All kinds of educational books and articles have always emphasized the importance of emotional stability, and warned parents not to lose their temper at their children, as it will affect their physical and mental health.
So, parents worked hard to learn emotional management in their lives and tried their best not to lose their temper. As a result, they found: It's really too difficult!
Many parents have been frustrated and distressed by this:
"I often lose my temper at him when I teach homework and my child gets into trouble. Afterwards, I regret it very much. I feel that I am not a good father/mother, and my usual educational knowledge is in vain."
In the real world, life is fast pace and stressful. People are not machines. There are always times when they are fragile and helpless and irrational.
It is almost impossible to strictly avoid losing your temper.
It is not scary to lose your temper occasionally. As long as you pay attention to using reasonable methods, grasp the right degree, and sincerely express your feelings and expectations, parents' emotions will be smooth, and they will also give children correct and timely guidance.
The problem for most parents is that they will not express their emotions in the appropriate way, but just vent their emotions blindly. It is naturally undesirable to yell and scold children frequently and casually.
How do parents with high emotional intelligence "lost their temper"?
Face your child honestly
Tell him the real reason
In life, we are all familiar with such scenes:
A father was criticized by his leader when he was working during the day and was deducted for his bonus. He thought of his family's financial situation and was under great pressure.
Go home from get off work and tutors the child homework. There is a question that the child doesn't understand, and his emotions suddenly burst out, so he scolded the child: "It's so stupid! Pig brain!"
A mother takes care of the child alone during the day and has to do housework, both physically and mentally exhausted.
In the evening, the child still pulled his mother out to play and kept crying. The mother couldn't help but get angry and began to accuse the child: "What are you going out to play? Why are you so disobedient!"
Pay attention to it and find that: in many cases, children are not the source of negative emotions of parents, but are just the "fuse" that triggers emotions, but because they are in a weak position, they are forced to become the "punching bag" and become the most innocent victim.
As a parent, in addition to the education problems of his children, he also has to face the mess of life. It is inevitable that there will be moments when he can't control his emotions and has no energy to meet his children's needs. This is normal.
If parents can be honest with their children and admit their limitations, such as not controlling their emotions and having limited energy to meet their needs, it will have little impact on their children.
Children will realize: this is the parents' own problem, not my fault.
For example:
"Dad's work today is not going well and he is in a bad mood."
"Mom is a little tired now and has no energy to go out for you to play."
Honestly tell the children the real reason, and the children will gradually understand: parents also have things that they have not done well and cannot do, so they learn to accept the frustration caused by "needs not being satisfied" and touch the real world.
From another perspective, parents show their true selves to their children, revealing their fragility will also deepen the relationship between parents and children. Children learn to understand their parents’ feelings, know how to care about and be considerate of their parents.
In the book "Being a strong but not strong parent", there is also an example:
A mother was very upset because of work problems, and her daughter came to play with her crying. Ordinary parents are likely to expose their anger on their children, but this mother did not do so.
She said to the child seriously:
"Sari, my mother is very impatient now and is in a bad mood, but this is not your fault. I am angry with the people in the office. This is too annoying. I have to think about it carefully."
Hearing this, the child immediately put away his emotions, grimaced at his mother, and then he took the initiative to go back to the house and did not continue to annoy her.
However, most parents, like the examples mentioned above, choose the most inappropriate and hurtful approach, refuse to admit their shortcomings, and put all the responsibility on their children.
The subtext is: "The reason I lose my temper is because you are stupid, ignorant, and make unreasonable requests."
Weak children will accept these accusations in full and think that their parents' emotions are caused by themselves, so they feel guilty, ashamed, and even self-denial.
was criticized by the leader and deducted the bonus. Thinking of the family's financial situation, it was under great pressure.
Go home from get off work and tutors the child homework. There is a question that the child doesn't understand, and his emotions suddenly burst out, so he scolded the child: "It's so stupid! Pig brain!"
A mother takes care of the child alone during the day and has to do housework, both physically and mentally exhausted.
In the evening, the child still pulled his mother out to play and kept crying. The mother couldn't help but get angry and began to accuse the child: "What are you going out to play? Why are you so disobedient!"
Pay attention to it and find that: in many cases, children are not the source of negative emotions of parents, but are just the "fuse" that triggers emotions, but because they are in a weak position, they are forced to become the "punching bag" and become the most innocent victim.
As a parent, in addition to the education problems of his children, he also has to face the mess of life. It is inevitable that there will be moments when he can't control his emotions and has no energy to meet his children's needs. This is normal.
If parents can be honest with their children and admit their limitations, such as not controlling their emotions and having limited energy to meet their needs, it will have little impact on their children.
Children will realize: this is the parents' own problem, not my fault.
For example:
"Dad's work today is not going well and he is in a bad mood."
"Mom is a little tired now and has no energy to go out for you to play."
Honestly tell the children the real reason, and the children will gradually understand: parents also have things that they have not done well and cannot do, so they learn to accept the frustration caused by "needs not being satisfied" and touch the real world.
From another perspective, parents show their true selves to their children, revealing their fragility will also deepen the relationship between parents and children. Children learn to understand their parents’ feelings, know how to care about and be considerate of their parents.
In the book "Being a strong but not strong parent", there is also an example:
A mother was very upset because of work problems, and her daughter came to play with her crying. Ordinary parents are likely to expose their anger on their children, but this mother did not do so.
She said to the child seriously:
"Sari, my mother is very impatient now and is in a bad mood, but this is not your fault. I am angry with the people in the office. This is too annoying. I have to think about it carefully."
Hearing this, the child immediately put away his emotions, grimaced at his mother, and then he took the initiative to go back to the house and did not continue to annoy her.
However, most parents, like the examples mentioned above, choose the most inappropriate and hurtful approach, refuse to admit their shortcomings, and put all the responsibility on their children.
The subtext is: "The reason I lose my temper is because you are stupid, ignorant, and make unreasonable requests."
Weak children will accept these accusations in full and think that their parents' emotions are caused by themselves, so they feel guilty, ashamed, and even self-denial.
Therefore, parents can be imperfect when it comes to losing their temper, but they must learn to be honest and understand the source of emotions, and do not blame the children.
Four steps
Learn to lose your temper correctly
In daily life, when you feel that your emotions are about to get out of control, you can follow these 4 steps:
Step 1: Press the pause key and give yourself a buffer time.
There is a noun in psychology called "Six Seconds Rule", which means that when you encounter something angry or angry, you will delay making a decision by 6 seconds.
This 6 seconds of golden time can make people perceive their emotions and effectively avoid making wrong decisions due to anger.
This method is also very effective when educating children.
When parents are emotionally "up", don't rush to say and do what they do. Press the pause button, take a deep breath, and calm yourself down.
You can leave your original place, go to a quiet room for a while, or drink a glass of water.
Then, ask yourself three questions:
Where does my emotions come from?
is really because of the child in front of you?
How to express it next, which is more conducive to children's acceptance?
Generally speaking, after this period of time, the anger will be much weakened, which can effectively avoid aggressive language and violent behaviors against children.
Step 2, avoid judgment and blame starting with "you", and objectively describe the reality you see in front of you.
Error:
"Why are you so unhappy with cleanliness"
"You are so lazy"
"You always put things randomly"
Correct:
Correct:
Correct:
5
"I saw you kneeling on the ground again and dirty your clothes"
"Your room has not been sorted out yet"
"You put the pillow in the room in the living room"
When parents are angry, they are most likely to blame their children, draw conclusions at will, and put negative labels. This is not only not conducive to solving the problem, but also arouses the children's rebelliousness and cannot listen to the parents' words.
Parents only need to objectively state the reality and let their children know what their problems are, which is more conducive to their children's acceptance.
Step 3, clearly express your true feelings.
Instead of blaming your children, it is better to express your feelings frankly. Children will gradually understand how to be considerate of their parents and change their behavior.
For example:
"This makes me a little angry"
"Always keep cleaning up the living room, I feel very tired"
In this way, children can clearly understand the feelings of their parents,
Step 4, say what you hope your child will do, the more specific the better.
This step is to point the direction for the child and let the child understand what the right way is.
For example:
"I hope you can get rid of the bad habit of kneeling on the ground"
"Remember to clean your room today"
"I hope you will put things back in the future"
In general, losing your temper correctly should be the parents expressing their feelings and expectations through appropriate language, so that their children can understand the problem and be willing to make changes.
In this process, you can be serious and firm, but try to avoid verbal belittlement and personality attacks, which is easier for children to accept and will also let children learn to be considerate of their parents.
Keep emotional stability
The key lies in cultivating one's inner
The fundamental reason why a person is difficult to maintain emotional stability lies in his inner fear: dissatisfaction with reality, uncertainty about the future, and anxiety.
The same is true for parents. Children are naughty, poor performance, and poor grades... These are just appearances.
Parents with fear will unconsciously project their anxiety and anxiety onto the weakest and most controllable children: they hope to eliminate their insecurity and uncertainty.
Only when you see your child as excellent and working hard as you expect, will you feel at ease and happy, otherwise you will be nervous, irritable and irritable.
So, we see parents constantly " Chicken and Baby " and sign up for their children various training classes, for fear that their children will fall behind.
In essence, it is parents who put all their emotions on their children. Under such pressure, children study hard not out of love for knowledge, but to meet parents' expectations and make parents feel at ease, but their true feelings and needs have been suppressed. Over time, the body and mind will be overwhelmed.
There is a saying in the book "Be a strong but not strong parent":
"Children are independent people and have a self-awareness. They may not necessarily develop in the direction we expect, nor are they guarantees of our happiness."
Children are also an individual with an independent personality and have their own life topics to be completed.
Parents should be responsible for their emotions, rather than expecting to gain a sense of security and value in their children. Such unreasonable "wishes" will only be disappointed.
If you want to be an emotionally stable parent, the most important thing is to look at yourself, find the problem that makes you fear and uneasy, work hard on yourself, and improve your sense of security and value through practical actions.
A parent-child writer once said:
"Stable emotions should be slowly learned and cultivated in a deep self-expectation and sincere self-reflection.
If we have such expectations and reflection, we can slowly communicate and interact with our children with a peaceful mood."
There is no parent who can perfectly control emotions. He bravely admits his imperfection and is willing to learn humbly. He does better every time and do better. It is enough for his children.
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