What is the most sad thing about raising children?
The answer is: Rebellious adolescence .
Psychological research data show that Among teenagers aged 12-16, 20% of girls and 10% of boys have considered suicide.
80% of parents said that it is really fatal to be rebellious when adolescent children are!
is like a grenade. If you are not careful, you will explode at the touch.
can be adolescent, but it is also a critical period of growth.
In the words of the author Maijia , for puberty children, can go to heaven or into the ground, it can be a knife or a flower.
Whether a child becomes a knife or blooms a flower depends on whether the parents can understand the child's rebellion.
rebellious and dangerous adolescence
adolescence is often also called rebellious period and dangerous period.
The child begins to mature physiologically and enters the second developmental stage of the body.
The visible change of the naked eye is that boys have changed their voices, girls have become slim in figure, and their height has grown up rapidly.
Suddenly, the once cute little baby turned into a young man or a girl.
At the same time, the expansion of their body allows their height and vision to look at adults, and they will think " I am an adult ".
But how many people can treat a twelve or thirteen-year-old child as an adult and give respect to adults?
physiological maturity, psychological maturity, and social recognition maturity have appeared. This gap has led to the outbreak of contradictions and is about to break out.
Let’s give the simplest example.
Many boys will start to try smoking when they are in junior high school. In most cases, they just want to prove to the society that : I am an adult.
Because Adolescent children will have an impulse to try to deviate from the rules .
uses this to prove his existence and prove that I was right to do so. This is his self-confirmation process.
But from an adult perspective: you can't control yourself, smoking is harmful to the body.
Therefore, when it comes to finding that children smoke, teachers and parents will be particularly excited, which is very likely to lead to extreme events.
So, parents must understand why their children are rebellious.
Rebellion is to complete the exploration of self-identity
Why do children "rebellious"?
Because the child has grown up, has a "self" and has to complete the exploration of "self-identity".
Psychologist Eriksen believes that the most important task of psychological development in adolescence is to obtain "self-identity".
means that children need to form a stable understanding of themselves: Who am I? What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of social role do I want to play?
Therefore, children continue to expand their behavioral boundaries, explore their own positioning, challenge their parents' right to speak, and even make dangerous and impulsive attempts.
In this way, the child will appear particularly rebellious and there will be constant parent-child conflicts.
But this is a critical period for the formation of children's self-cognition and affects their whole life.
I read a post, a particularly outstanding boy, who has been well-behaved and sensible since childhood.
In the words of a boy:
From childhood to adulthood, I have never had a rebellious period and have been following the path chosen by my mother.
From dressing to studying, I listen to my mother's words well. Once
deviates, my mother will scold me like crazy and tie me back to the road she chose.
When I was in the second year of junior high school, I liked astronomy and always went to the planetarium. My mother didn't allow it, so I smashed all my models with my dad.
I know that nothing I say is useless, and I can’t fight no matter how hard I fight, so I can only continue to study hard.
Wait until the third year of junior high school, the boy finished his junior high school entrance examination and did a very good job.
However, in the end, this child jumped off the building the day before the first year of high school.
His parents felt incredible and couldn't stand it, and they cried so hard.
Why?
Because, he got used to it, listened to his parents' words and his mother's arrangements, and finally he was overwhelmed by himself.
This child never has the opportunity to explore his true self and do what he really wants to do.
In psychology, if a child is always well-behaved, not rebellious, and does not cause trouble, it is called "identity premature closure". Children like
will lack independent opinions when they grow up, cannot cope with setbacks, and are prone to losing their goals and confidence.
All children who are obedient during adolescence, forced to obey their parents, and not rebellious will eventually explode in another way. When children like
become adults, they often have to rebel for a longer time and more ruthless way to find their "self-identity".
skipping adolescence will lead to a rebellious period every day after adulthood.
Rebellion means that the authority of parents disappears
The so-called "rebellion", in other words, is "disobedient".
Who do you don’t listen to? ? Don’t listen to “authoritative” words , such as parents, teachers, etc.
rebellion is to fight against these authorities .
Psychologists have found that children have a psychological characteristic before the age of 12: they will idealize or even deify their parents.
In the eyes of children, parents are authoritative, everything is right and everything is OK, parents are great, glorious and correct.
Because, for children at this stage of , imitation and copying are the most important way of learning in their brains.
Treat parents as flawless, and children can take their parents as role models wholeheartedly. Replicate the way parents do things, think and deal with problems.
When the child was 12 years old, his brain further matured and began to have the ability to think logically. The simple and naive nature of childhood gradually disappeared.
Children begin to have their own opinions and the ability to judge value, and their perspectives from parents are completely different.
The authority of parents disappears, and children no longer believe in their parents, and may even begin to question their parents.
At this time, he saw that you do things: Dad is right to do this, that is wrong; Mom is right to say this, but that is wrong to do this.
So, He agreed with the part that his mother and father were right, continued to learn and continue to copy. He also wants to take out the parts that he does not agree with
to discuss with his parents.
At this time, if parents are a person with very good growth, they can sit down and discuss some of their shortcomings with their children.
If you observe carefully, you will find that these shortcomings are often no one will tell us, except for children.
Because children are the ones who love their parents the most selflessly from the bottom of their hearts.
When a child raises his shortcomings, you listen patiently, then reflect on yourself, be aware, and make changes.
Then you will not only make great breakthroughs in parent-child relationships, but also gain great results in marriage and workplaces.
This process is not only a process of rebellious and self-growth for adolescent children, but also a process of parents' growth.
This is what we often say, parenting means self-cultivation.
The real education is to grow up with your children.
Parents must learn
When facing a rebellious child, you must learn to master the child's psychological characteristics, such as rebelliousness, self-confirmation, and exploration of growth.
Never just suppress your child’s rebellion.
strong suppression will only invisibly encourage children to further rebellion and out of control.
If you use your bullish temper to force your child, maybe one day, the child will jump down from the upper floor like the story above.
Once the child jumps down, there is nothing left.
All your efforts in the first half of your life are wasted, and you will feel guilty for the rest of your life.
If you really hope your child is good, have good grades and change his destiny, the best way to is for parents to start learning. Why do you say that?
If you play mahjong every day, browse your phone, never read books, and then use a stick to force your child to study, can your child read good books?
This is impossible!
This is a piece of advice for all parents.
Teaching by words is not as good as teaching by example. If parents are hard-working people, their children will be affected.
The best way to face a child, a rebellious child, is to start with yourself.
Parents start learning first, especially to learn some common sense in psychology and cultivate their emotions well.
Only in this way can you have the opportunity to communicate peacefully with adolescent children.
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