If your child sees children playing in the park and wants to join but doesn’t know what to do, how will you guide your child? I guess you might teach your child to say this: "Can I play with you?" This is the universal social sentence that 99% of parents will teach their children

If your child sees children playing in the park and wants to join but doesn’t know what to do, how will you guide your child?

I guess you might teach your child to say this: "Can I play with you?"

is this 99% of parents will teach their children the social universal golden sentences of , which makes the child miserable!

A mother on Zhihu initiated a request for help:

My daughter prefers to play with children older than her. She always asks the children politely: "Can I play with you?" But she is always rejected. Children either hide when they see her coming, or say directly, "Don't want, don't..."

I also think that adults should not interfere too much in children's affairs, but when they see no one playing with their daughter, sometimes when they see my baby being rejected, they have tears in their eyes. They are also very sad as mothers. I don't understand why children should do this?

At first I thought this might be an example. It was not until last weekend when I took my child to play in the community park that I found that It turned out that this phenomenon turned out to be reversed and also appeared on my child...

My child is a social girl, and I have not spent any effort to worry about her social skills. Until last week in the park, four five or six-year-old girls gathered together to play with dolls. My baby is a "doll maniac". When I saw other children playing together, I was naturally jealous and wanted to join~

So the baby sent an "applicant to join the group" to the children: "Can I join you?"

What's awkward is that no one pays attention to her at all, so she asked again...

Next, I observed the reactions of these little girls and found an interesting phenomenon:

● There was one child pulling the child holding the doll to dodge a few steps;

● There was one child who said it directly, but when he watched his companions walk away, he followed him.

Fortunately, my child is a small social cow who loves to show off. He was not scared by the "small social death scene". She began to launch a "violent offensive" - taking out the small toys in her hand to display them (showing them off), attracting the attention of the children, and successfully entering the "social circle".

It was only after I had this personal experience that I realized that things like may have been staged in most children with , and the first sentence we told children to enter the "social circle" would definitely be "Can I play with you?"

Unfortunately: the responses the children get are not as friendly and enthusiastic as they are written in the book, but more of them make the children refuse at a loss!

If the child is more socially afraid of being timid, then he is likely to be hurt by self-esteem and self-confidence and become no longer daring to make friends actively.

Let’s take a look at why.

Why is social sentences not easy to use?

When we are teaching the child: Can I play with you? In fact, looks at children's social problems from an adult's perspective. When the angle is biased, the direction of problem solving will naturally go off the line.

What children want to enter is a social circle composed of another group of children, The brain circuit of children is completely different from that of adults, and the core skills of childhood are also different from those of us.

Psychologist Michael Thompson once wrote a passage in the book "Mom and Bullying Me":

"Parents tell their children to go directly to other children with good wishes and asked: 'Can I play together?'

But I always teach children not to say that, because this is equivalent to giving the other party a clear opportunity to refuse. However, this rejection is not out of malicious intention, but those children also lack social skills."

When your child says this "social sentence", he is rejected, you really can't blame the other party's children, especially -6-year-old children, whose language expression ability and thinking ability are not mature.

Children themselves are used to answering negative sentences , such as "I don't know, don't, bad..." When many children are playing, a child who doesn't know suddenly asks, they will also subconsciously reject the party for instinctive protection.

Secondly, you can pay attention to the children around you. Even if they don’t know a few children, the premise for them to play together is not to report their names or apply for play. Maybe there is no social greeting, and they just play together.

Just like my child, I often play with children I don’t know at home, and even played for several days, but I didn’t know what the other person’s name was.

So, if you want to play with children, this sentence "apply for joining the group" is really unnecessary.

Children integrate into social education and teach this way!

Instead of teaching children this word-of-mouth "social golden sentence" to wait for the "consent to join the group" in their social circle, it is better to teach children some practical social skills that are simpler to use and turn passive into initiative. You can work hard with the children without waiting for a response. What is the key to integrating into social interaction?

Preschool children's emotions research expert Li Yan mentioned a theory in his analysis of children's social abilities:

If you want your children to join a group, then we need to guide the children to meet 2 conditions (the same applies to adults)

❶ I can obey the existing rules and order of the group;

❶ I can contribute to the group.

specific how to do it?

◆ observe the other party

There are only these two motivations for children to gather together to play:

There are fun things

The atmosphere of the game

As the saying goes, "know yourself and your enemy, you will win every battle", so don't rush to let your children blindly break into their camp, can guide your children and you to see what they are doing? What to play? say what? This is very important for the following steps.

◆ praises rainbow fart

Sweet-mouthed children not only like it, but also are deeply welcomed by their peers. After all, no one doesn't like to listen to " rainbow fart "~

Dr. Michael Thompson has told me in his book. Case:

The little boy David wanted to play with two children next to him who were building blocks. He first observed for a while and was not in a hurry to issue an application for joining. Then he said, "It's so cool, what is this?"

Then a child introduced to David "This is a parking lot." So everyone started to discuss it all over and David joined in very naturally.

I believe you have an answer when you take your child to observe what the other party is playing, the second step to enter their circle is to express your agreement and affirm what the other party is doing. This approach shows higher emotional intelligence.

If the child is shy, then parents can first give their children a demonstration , and take their children to praise the things or games they are playing with. When they see a successful demonstration, the child will have the courage to act.

◆ Make some contribution

No matter what kind of circle social networking it is, there will be an unchanging kernel -After accepting new members to join, the original small circle will need to break the existing balance and resource allocation.

Even if it is as small as a game, if three people originally played, one more person will be added, there will be corresponding role adjustments.

If a new member cannot make contributions or benefits, then what reason does the social circle need to accept this new member?

does sound a bit cruel, but Whether it is social interaction between children or adults, they follow this rule, and it is a commonality of human nature.

Therefore, we can teach children more ideas from this perspective - does not destroy the existing games and actions of the other party's social circle, and uses the principle of reciprocity to make contributions and help.

For example:

When children play with sand together in the community, you can find some ready-made gadgets from home for children to provide them to the children to share;

If a child falls during a race and runs, he can guide the child to provide help and help the children get up; If a child falls down during a race, he can guide the child to provide help and help the children get up; 3

There are many children playing with building blocks in the mall building block area. If the child also wants to join, it is better to guide the child to help the other party find the building blocks they need...

For slow-heating and timid children, it is impossible to master these skills in one go . We don’t have to push the child too hard, guide step by step, and slowly lead the child to demonstrate every step, and don’t be afraid of trouble.

After all, children need playmates, need to integrate into social interaction, and even more importantly, they need to learn how to make friends correctly!