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I have two children. My son is 26 years old and my daughter is 14 years old and is in puberty.
So, I have some experience in educating children, plus some psychological knowledge learned from working in the psychological industry in the past 24 years, to share with you the psychological topics about the education of adolescent children.
I hope it can be helpful for everyone to educate their children.
What is the key to a child’s education?
I was a child born in the countryside. When I was a child, there were many big trees around my house. Every winter, the trees would shed their leaves, and some of the dead branches would fall. Some trees did not even have a leaf, like It's the same as dead.
If you plant a tree and see the tree become like this in winter, would you worry? Will you give up this tree? Even cut it off?
I don’t think you will, because this is a very normal phenomenon, the tree is so big, there will always be some fallen leaves and dead branches, there will be some bugs, this is a normal phenomenon of the tree, so you don’t Will be worried.
What you care about is whether this tree grows up every year,Is it rooted deep enough?
As long as the tree grows every year and the roots are deep enough, it will return you rich fruits.
The education of children is the same.
I hope that you are more concerned about some of the core issues of your children, just like caring about a tree, don’t care too much about fallen leaves and dead branches, but focus more on the trunk and roots of the tree. Only then can you get to the core of the problem.
At the same time, please remember anyway: Never cut down a tree in winter!
So, what is the key to a child’s education?
Let me share two real stories with you.
The first story is a bit heavy.
a school teacher,He told me about such a case:
He said that there was a student in his class who was a bit mischievous and did some extraordinary things in the class. He didn't care too much at the time.
But the teacher is accustomed to talking to parents when students have problems. When there is no way, he called the parents of the students, and the parents came to the school angrily with a big stick in his hand.
His classroom was on the second floor, and he was in class at the time. When the parents came, he immediately pulled the child out of the classroom where he was attending. He started beating and scolding in the hallway, and beating and questioning. : "Why do you want to do such a thing?"
The child was very scared when he faced his father's beating and scolding.
This is a second-year boy. He retreated to the end of the corridor. With no retreat, he said to his father: "If you hit me again, I will jump down!"
span Father was angry, and rushed back: "If you have the ability, you can jump down for me!"
Unexpectedly, this child really jumped over the railing... _p5span
Everyone at was frightened, and all the teachers and students rushed downstairs and surrounded the student.
This father was also scared at first,But when he saw that his child was not dead, but only broke a leg, his anger rose again, and he picked up the stick to beat the child again.
Fortunately, several teachers stopped him. Otherwise, if the child did not fall to death, he would be beaten to death.
When the teacher described this scene to me, my scalp was numb. Even if I retell the story now, I still feel sad.
Of course, this is an extreme story. Similar stories are easy to happen to adolescent children. Even if suicide is not as serious as suicide, radical behaviors happen to almost every child.
30 strong strong 30strong "Do not go home if you have the ability to eat"
"Don't go home if you have the ability to eat"; ;
"you do not have the ability to read";
then the child really run away from home, do not eat, do not go to school ......
I once wrote a book,The title of the book is "You teach you how others treat you", which means: our language will trigger the other person's reaction.
For example, when two couples are quarreling, one of them says: "You have the ability to hit me?" Just lift it up.
The psychology of adolescent children is a very complicated stage. At this stage, due to the unstable hormone secretion, the temperament will appear changeable.
It's like a March day, with rain or shine, If you can't cultivate your emotions at home, your emotions will be affected by your children.
At the same time, your emotions will in turn stimulate your children, which creates a vicious circle and conflicts are inevitable.
My child is no exception. Before the first year of middle school, my daughter had a lively and cheerful personality, self-discipline and initiative, and she was an angel.
But after the second grade, the whole person has changed, as if from an angel to a devil, of course, most of the time, he is still an angel.But sometimes it becomes the devil in an instant.
This is a common feature of adolescent children.
What should we do when facing the children during this period?
Let me share another story first.
My daughter has a classmate. Because the father of this classmate is rich, his house is quite big. There is a big garden and a private swimming pool. Children often come to his house to play.
I once visited his house as a guest. When I visited the house, I was surprised to find that his house did not have a book!
Such a big villa, of course, there will be a study room, but it is a big study room, but there is no book!
I asked him why? He told me his story.
He is from Huanggang, Hubei, which is a famous place in the country with very good scores on the college entrance examination.
He said that high school life is like hell. Under the pressure of parents and teachers,He can only study hard.
Not only he is like this, almost all his classmates are like this, because the local culture is like this, every parent pushes the child to death, under such extreme pressure, he was admitted to a school famous university.
After the college entrance examination, he burned all the books.
During college, he basically never read books seriously, because he hates reading, and reading has left him too much pain!
"Fortunately, the university is relatively easy to be mixed", he said, after graduating from university, as before, he burned all the books again.
From then on, he stopped reading, and he was even uncomfortable seeing books.
Of course his daughter has a book, but he will ask her to put the book back in his room. The one thing he said the most to his daughter was: "Just be happy" and never put any pressure on her daughter.
This is the most tolerant parent I have ever seen in children's education. His philosophy is very simple: I don't want my child to work as hard as I did, so it’s good for her to be happy.
Let me tell you the background, the wealth he has can not be spent for generations.
I do not comment on whether this is good or not, I just want to say that he is qualified to do so. Of course, his child lives really happily and happily.
These two stories, one is the extreme violent way of educating children, this is the case of filial piety under the traditional Chinese stick.
The other is a very tolerant case, total freedom.
Which kind of education method do you think is better?
To teach adolescent children, we must "start with the end"
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If we still focus on the results, we will miss another part that is more important than the results.
It is of course very important to improve academic performance, but schools already have various methods in terms of performance.
school is an expert,I am not an expert. As a psychologist, I choose to trust the school and our teachers.
At the same time, from a psychological point of view, I think that is more important than grades in family education.
To answer this question, we have to learn to start with the end .
What does "start with the end" mean? Just stand at the end and look at the starting point.
In the education of children, it is to stand in the future of the child. Looking back at how we can educate him today.
What kind of person do you want your child to be in the future?
A healthy and happy person?
A rich person inside and outside?
A happy marriage?
People with bad relationships?
Rely on the weak?
lazy procrastinator?
Passive complainer?
If you can see from the perspective of a child’s life,After you have a wish for your child's future, then you will know how we can interact with children today, especially those who are a little rebellious during adolescence.
What is the future happiness of children related to? Is it related to grades?
Have you ever seen some of your classmates who did not study well? He is now very rich and has a very happy life.
At the same time, have you seen some students with very good grades who do not mix well in society after graduation, and live more difficult, more difficult, and unhappy marriages?
If results are not decisive, what is decisive?
There is an old saying in China called "three years old and eighty", is there any truth to this sentence?
From a psychological point of view, this is a bit extreme, but a person’s character determines his future destiny, which is based on science.
And the development of a person’s character is just before puberty.
2 keys to let children have a rich life
span1 span1Combining my own life experience, I discovered whether a person will succeed in the future, whether he has money, whether he is lucky or not, and whether his marriage is affectionate or not, it has to do with two things.The first one is called self-worth.
I classify it as a core trunk of the tree.
The trunk is very important, and the body is not afraid of shadow evil. There is a proper term in psychology called self-worth. A person's self-worth is related to the happiness of the future life.
What is self-worth? It is a kind of perception of a person of oneself, a kind of perception of identity.
There are three core questions at the philosophical level: who you are, where you come from, and where you go. One of the key questions is who are you?
This is your judgment of yourself, which is called self-worth in psychology. Self-worth is the script of life.
The development of the film and television drama is based on the script. We are like an actor to complete the script of our life, and this self-worth is the script of life.
Another example is a friend who has a pet, you bought a kitten or a puppy and come back. For example, I am a Cantonese.The puppy is usually named Wangcai, which is auspicious.
When you name a puppy Wangcai, the puppy doesn't know that it is called Wangcai.
But as you keep calling it Wangcai, after about a week, and especially during feeding, it starts to realize that Wangcai is me.
This process is called self-identification.
Our life step by step is to constantly build self-identity.
expand to something beyond the name.
Suppose there is a child who is growing up and his parents keep telling him that you are great, you are a talented person, and you must achieve great things in the future.
If this is said too much, this child will internalize: I am great, I may achieve great things in the future, I am not an ordinary person, I am a person who does great things.
This process is exactly the same as the puppy identifying that he is called Wangcai. This is called self-identification, and the level of self-identification is called self-worth.
A negative example to help everyone understand, there are other parents who will say their children:
, are you stupid?
Why can't this be done well?
What can you do in the future?
Useless!
After listening to this child, he gradually agrees that he is a fool, a person with a brain drain.
Because parents are a trusted person in the children's mind, when the parents continue to recognize the children, he begins to build his own life script, and use this script to interpret his life in the second half of his life.
A child who was constantly written down by his parents back then: You are great, you are a person who does great things, and he will be able to laugh away when he encounters some setbacks in the future.
Because he has a script in his heart: I am a great person, I am a person who does great things, and I have the ability to fulfill my mission in life.
But from childhood to most of the children who have been denied, criticized, and accused, he has a relatively bad script, and his life cannot be smooth sailing.
So he will have some real contact with society in the future. When he encounters some problems at work and life, the voice of the script written by his parents will appear in his mind:
It turns out that I am really a waste. How can I fail to do this little thing?
I'm such an idiot, so my mind is flooded.
He gives up easily and gets frustrated,There are many problems with depression.
is like the trunk of a tree. It has luxuriant branches and will surely grow a lot of fruits.
But if the trunk is sick since childhood, the tree will break and even die when the wind blows.
From a psychological point of view, whether a person is happy in the future, whether he has money, whether he has a happy marriage, whether he can achieve some career, the core first point is self-worth.
Just like the larger the trunk, the stronger the tree’s ability to resist wind and rain. If the trunk is weak, the tree cannot withstand wind and rain.
The second point is that what concerns a child's future life is his way of thinking, which is the dimension of thought.
There is a Chinese character-prisoner. People are called prisoners in their mouths. Our thoughts are like a mouth. Once a person is solidified, he will become a prisoner.
Of course we are not prisoners who want to go to jail, but will become prisoners of your own thoughts.
Because when we are studying, we can only hear one answer. Whatever the teacher and parents say, we believe in what. When a child like
grows up, his understanding of life has only one answer, which is very narrow.
The times are constantly changing. These people who have only one answer in the process of growing up have a single way of thinking, and it is difficult for him to adapt to social changes.
For example, today is the age of the Internet. If it turns out that this kid will only do business in the storefront, he will not know how to react when the Internet age comes, because in his world, he does not have the concept of the Internet. Can't get out of his original world, this is a person's way of thinking, there is only one way to live in his life.
How are children like this raised?
is because parents and teachers always use infusion methods to give children a standard answer.
If a child has only one standard answer, his brain will develop a habit: he will think what is right and what is wrong.
Once the standard answer is determined, it is difficult to accept others.
First of all, his marriage will encounter great difficulties,Because he always thinks that he is right and others are wrong, his world cannot accept: I am right, and you are right.
It is very difficult for him to get along with the other half, even in the work area.
A person’s life knowledge is very limited. It is impossible for us to understand all the knowledge in the whole world. The world we understand is very narrow.
is like a blind person touching an elephant. People who touch the elephant’s legs say that the elephant is like a pillar, those who touch the elephant’s body say it’s like a wall, and those who touch the tail say it’s like a rope.
If a person sticks to his own knowledge, it is difficult for him to cooperate with his colleagues in the workplace, especially his boss.
Generally, people who are leaders are knowledgeable and generally have a wider field of vision.
But if this child sticks to his own point of view at work, he thinks that the elephant is a rope, but his leader said that the elephant is not only a rope, but also a wall, or a pillar, he Will argue with the leader, stick to one's own position, and it is difficult to get along with each other in harmony.
How successful is a person who cannot get along with his partner, leader, or colleague?
is not only unsuccessful,Not only can he make no money, at least his interpersonal relationship is messed up and very bad.
This is the dimension of thought. We have to broaden the dimension of our children’s thoughts. If we cannot open our children’s thoughts in education, our children’s thoughts will be solidified.
If our self-worth is relatively low and we continue to destroy our children's self-worth, it will be useless for our children no matter how good their test scores are.
Because his test scores are good, it does not mean that his ideological dimension is high. The test usually has standard answers.
In short, there are two points for children to live a prosperous life inside and outside: The first is self-awareness , self-worth, this is also the script of life.
The second is the width of our thoughts , we are right, whether we can accommodate others is also right, there is more than one answer to everything.
Psychology says that one choice is not a choice. Two choices will make you dilemma. There are more than three choices in everything. If children can have more choices, the dimensionality of thinking will be higher.
If you grab these two cores,The other problem of educating children is the problem of branches and leaves.
Self-worth is like the trunk of a tree, it is the foundation for establishing a relatively stable tree, and the dimensionality of thought is like the root of a tree. If the root can extend farther and absorb more nutrients, the tree can thrive. , Luxuriant branches and leaves, and can return your fruitful fruits.
Psychological characteristics of adolescent kids
Each stage of the child has different characteristics, just like sharing my daughter, she was like an angel before junior high school, but after the second grade, the "devil" came out, she has some behaviors and The way of speaking is not as cute as before.
Many parents may worry about this.
Why is this happening?
- 0~7 years old This stage is called the parasitic period
means that someone just came to the worldUnable to live on their own, they have to be parasitic to their parents, so at this stage the child has no self at all.
What parents say, he will obediently think that his parents are right, because his parents are everything to him.
- 7~12 years old, dependent period
will be relatively early, but now 7~14 years old children will be relatively early.
At this stage, the child begins to develop himself and starts to be a little assertive, but he still cannot live independently, so he will still depend on his parents.
On the one hand, he will rely on his parents and obey them, but on the other hand he will start to have his own independent personality and opinions.
- 14 to 21 years old, the rebellious period
"There should be a characteristic of rebellious children from 12 to 21 years old. ".
This is from the perspective of our parents,From a child’s point of view, he does not think he is rebelling, he is just showing that he has grown up:
I am already an independent person, I have my personality, I have me s Choice.
Therefore parents should adapt to the characteristics of this stage.
I often hear parents ask me this way: My child is more rebellious, I let him go east, he goes west, and I am really annoying.
I said to such a parent: That's not easy. When you want him to go east, you let him go west, won't he go east?
This is of course a joke, but this joke contains very important wisdom.
I have shared the story of a master:
There is a psychologist named Milton in the United States who is a hypnotist who grew up on the farm and one day his father was dragging him. A cow, this cow has a strong temper, and he can't pull it away no matter what, his father asked Milton to come and help.
But Milton did not do what his father said. Instead of pulling the rope, he ran to the back of the cow and pulled the tail. The cow was pulled by Milton.Just confronted Milton, so it moved forward naturally.
For adolescent children, we must master this feature: Take advantage of the trend and don't go against him.
If you go against an adolescent child, you will definitely break your heart, because he didn’t mean to have trouble with you, he just said: I’m a personality and standpoint, if I do something. Listen to you, I have no face.
Therefore, we must take advantage of the trend, achieve him, let him show himself, highlight his personality, and respect his choice.
Of course, we must not violate laws and regulations.
When a child can be respected, there is no need for him to deliberately and deliberately rebel with you.
If a child is against you everywhere, it can only show that you did not respect his choice in the past when you get along with your child, especially after puberty, so he must demonstrate his own importance. That's it.
frozen three feet, not a day's cold. Today, if your child has a lot of rebellious behavior or a lot of deviant behaviors, don’t ask if there is any way to solve it.I can only tell you one rule.
To grow up, a person needs to be supplemented with various nutrients, such as vitamins, protein, sugar, starch and so on.
In order to grow up, in addition to the material nutrition, people also need to grow up their personality and spirit, and for psychological growth, this requires a kind of nutrition, called psychological nutrition.
Mental nutrition is also a spiritual food, which means that this child needs to be recognized, affirmed, praised, appreciated and encouraged.
If a child can get the constant recognition, encouragement, care, and acceptance of his parents, his mental nutrition is sufficient, and his mental health will develop.
But if a child is growing up, the parents do not give the child psychological nutrition, always criticize and denounce him, the child is mentally hungry.
Just like the body is hungry, all his attention is looking for food.
"mentally hungry" children will also find "eat", he will focus on how I get the attention of others. In fact, looking for scolding is also a way to get attention.
If parents can pay attention to him, they will supplement his mental nutrition.
Looking back, first is called homeopathy; second , if your child has various directions, it must be that your child has various directions. Insufficient mental nutrition, to make up for mental nutrition.
give him back some of the affirmation, recognition, appreciation, encouragement, praise, praise, acceptance, love, companionship, etc. that you owe him.
Your affirmation, your praise, your praise are related to the formation of a child's self-worth, that is to say, the formation of his life script, how does he identify with himself, and what kind of person he thinks he is , It all depends on your psychological nutrition.
If this is done, your child won't have to worry about anything in the future. He will definitely become an accomplished person and a happy person.
third It's the child's way of thinking.
How can we cultivate a child with an open mind?
is to try not to give children an answer.
When your child interacts with you, because an adolescent child must be very individual, when he asks you any questions, try not to answer him as much as possible, but ask him what he thinks, he must have him s answer.
After the child has an answer, even if the answer is wrong, do not deny him, but give him a positive, and then ask: what else? If he has two answers, you can ask the third question: In addition to these two answers, what else?
asked him to say no, don’t let him go, and ask the fourth question: if there is something else, what is it?
When you keep asking him with these 4 sentences, your child's brain will keep opening up , which is called potential development question in psychology.
These four sentences are enough to open up children’s thinking, so don’t give them an answer as much as possible, because your answer is even more correct.There is only one answer in his life, and this answer will limit his life.
If you want a child to have a bigger and broader world in the future, blue is better than blue, you must not force him to accept what you think is right, but respect his ideas and broaden his thinking. He will definitely become a person of constant innovation.
If you have a good script, an open mind dimension, what else are you worried about?
Temporary grades are not good enough and will not affect your child's future.
If his grades are good enough, but his thinking is narrow and his self-worth is low, such a child must be miserable in the future.
happy childhood, it is qualified to add this point again 5 _p33span1 _strongp33sp _p33sp _span1.
Many parents are concerned about: whether we want to force our children,Or give children a relatively free space?
Just like the two stories I told earlier, we are going to beat him with a stick, force him to learn, or make him happy.
Some time ago, there was a hot event.
Zhang Guimei is a school principal in a poverty-stricken area. She won the medal for poverty alleviation. It was personally awarded by President Xi. She was not willing to spend the money for her own medical treatment, but gave back to the children and forced the students Study hard and tell them that they must be admitted to a good university before they can leave Dashan and change their destiny.
This is an example of forcing children to keep taking exams and studying hard.
was used to compare her with a professor named Liu Yu.
She gave a speech stating that she would not force her child, would respect her and give her freedom, as long as she is happy and proud, just like I mentioned earlier about the father of my daughter’s classmate.
I took out these two cases to express my personal opinions, and they have nothing to do with psychology. What a person says, we don't just listen to what he says, we need to see where he stands to say it.
Professor Liu Yu has the highest quality educational resources in the society,She is from Tsinghua University. I think her child must receive a very good education. Even if the child does not have high-quality educational resources, their husband and wife are both professors at Tsinghua University, and the material level is enough for the child to live a happy life.
and her connections, the environment in which she lives, the impact on her children's knowledge, and so on.
But those students at Zhang Guimei School, if they do not study hard, they cannot do without the mountains and cannot change their destiny.
For this group of children, I very much agree with President Zhang Guimei’s philosophy: we must fight hard, and we must work hard so that we can rewrite our own destiny.
So, if you have the conditions of Professor Liu Yu, and the material conditions of my daughter’s classmate’s father, you are qualified to allow your child to develop in an all-round way. Not only do you care about his grades, but also let him Comprehensive development in all aspects of moral, intellectual and physical.
Whether a person has a happy childhood, I think it must be qualified.
But for the descendants of farmers from poor mountainous areas like me, I still hope that you will focus on your children’s performance, because if your child’s academic performance is not satisfactory, he may not be able to cross. His poverty line, he will never be able to rewrite the fate of the family.
Of course, while capturing the children’s grades,To master the psychological characteristics of adolescence, such as rebelliousness, don't be like the father I told the first story.
Once the child jumps downstairs, there will be nothing left. All your hard work in the first half of your life will be wasted, and you will feel guilty for a lifetime.
We all need to study as electricians and accountants. Therefore, while I encourage you to care about your children's academic performance, I also encourage parents to study more.
If you can't control your emotions and you are also a person who doesn't like to learn, how can you expect your children to study hard to change their destiny?
Many parents often ask their children to complete things they cannot do. I think this is unfair and unrealistic.
If you really want to improve your child's performance and change his destiny, The best way is for parents to start learning.
Why do you say that?
Imagine a scene, if you play mahjong every day at home, and then you use a stick to force your child to read, and you never read. Is it possible for your child to read?
I think this is impossible.
My parents never controlled me, never forced me, but I study hard, why?
Because my parents are the hardest people I have ever seen in the world. They get up early and greedy black farming and busy farming. I see that they are very hardworking, and my heart will automatically initiate a wish: I want to change us The face of poverty and backwardness, I want to get out of the poor family, and I want to work hard to change the destiny of the family.
Therefore, if the parents are hardworking people, the children will be influenced by their parents, and it is better to teach by example.
But if parents are quite lazy, you will only use your bull's temper to force the child, maybe one day he will jump downstairs, this is my advice.
The best way is to start with yourself. Parents start learning first, especially to learn some common sense of psychology. There is hope for changing your child's destiny.
The last thing I want to tell you is that all methods need to be used calmly. If your emotions have not been cultivated well, once you have emotions, adolescent children will definitely have a great relationship with you. The rebellious behavior of confrontation.
Cultivate one's emotions well, and then it is possible to have a chance to communicate peacefully with adolescent children.
*Source: Huang Qi Tuan (ID: nlpteam), boy pie
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