I am Weicheng Chaoyu, express my attitude towards life in words .
Three typical wrong ways of parenting
Chapter 1 Section 4: The impact of childhood on life
Since we were born, we are pursuing the "meaning of life".
Even a baby will find ways to estimate his own strength and how much effect this power can play in his entire life. A five-year-old child has developed a unique and fixed behavior pattern, which is how he treats problems and work.
At this time, children already have the concept of "expectations for the world and themselves" in their consciousness. Afterwards, he will use a fixed sensation table to observe the world: his experience has been explained in advance by himself before being accepted by others, and this explanation is based on the meaning of life he personally gives to life.
Even if the meaning he gives to life is wrong, the way he deals with problems and things will bring him misfortune and pain, but he will not give up this meaning easily. Only by re-examining what situations in the past caused his mistakes, finding out the root of the mistakes, and thus correcting his table, can he correct the meaning of this mistakes in life.
In a few cases, a person may actively correct the meaning he gives to life because of his wrong behavior, and ultimately complete the change with his own strength; however, if society does not put pressure on him, he does not realize that the meaning of life is wrong and still does his own way, then he will inevitably fall into a desperate situation, and he does not think of changing.
In most cases, the correction of wrong behavior requires the help of some trained experts who can help a person discover his initial mistake and point him out a more appropriate meaning in life.
people’s childhood situations can be explained in different ways. Unpleasant childhood experiences may also be given completely opposite meanings. People who do not attach much importance to unpleasant experiences can only tell them to take certain precautions, and other than that, they will hardly affect their attitude towards life.
He will feel: "I must work hard to change this bad environment so that my children will no longer experience these unpleasant things." Another type of person will feel: "Life is unfair, and others always take advantage of it. Since the world treats me like this, why should I treat this world well?"
Some parents will tell their children this way: "I suffered a lot of hardships when I was a child, but I have survived them. Why can't you endure hardships?" Another type of person may think: "I encountered misfortune in my childhood, so everything I do now is understandable."
these three types of people's explanations of childhood experiences will be reflected in their behavior. As long as their interpretations do not change, their behavior will not change.
From these, it can be seen that individual psychology abandons determinism. Experience is not the reason that determines a person's success or failure. People are generally not troubled by past blows, and we usually just draw experience from past blows to determine our goals.
ourselves are determined by the meaning we give to experience: when we use some special experience as the basis of our future life, we may have made some mistake.
Physiological defects affect children. Some environments in childhood can easily lead us to serious wrong meanings. Most of the failed adults grew up in an unpleasant childhood environment.
First of all, we need to consider children who have had high-quality diseases in infancy or have defects in body organs due to congenital factors. This kind of children has a very heavy mental burden, and it is difficult for them to realize that the meaning of life lies in dedication.
Unless the relatives around them can shift their attention from themselves to others, in general, they will only care about their own feelings.
Also, they can easily feel slow in comparison with others. They even feel deeply inferior because of their companions' pity, ridicule or escape.
These situations may make them care more about themselves, have the illusion that they have been insulted and lose the confidence to contribute to society. Adler is the first to study the troubles faced by children with physiological deficiencies or endocrine abnormalities. Although research on
has made considerable progress, its development direction is not what Adler wants to see. What Adler has always wanted to find is ways to overcome difficulties, rather than trying to prove that a person's failure is genetic or physical defects.
He believes that physiological defects do not necessarily lead to a wrong lifestyle, nor can it prove that two children with endocrine problems will experience the same adverse reactions.
It is not difficult for us to see children who overcome the difficulties of physiological defects and become pillars of the world, so in this regard, individual psychology does not like the choice of eugenics . We can see that many outstanding talents who have made significant contributions to our culture have physiological defects. Some of them have poor health and some even die young.
However, it is these people who have worked hard to overcome difficulties that have promoted the progress of our society. Struggle makes them stronger and makes them keep moving forward bravely.
If we only focus on their bodies, we cannot tell whether their minds are developing in a good direction or a bad direction. Facts have also proved that the reason why children with physiological or endocrine defects fail is because most of them are not led to the right path and their difficulties are not known, which leads to them becoming only concerned about themselves and eventually becoming losers.
The impact of pampering on children Pampering will also lead to children's wrong life meanings. A spoiled child always expects others to regard his wishes as commands, and he is God's favorite without hard work.
Moreover, he will also think that he is born to be unique. As a result, when everyone does not take him as the center of attention and does not care about his feelings, he often feels like he loses something and feels that the world has treated him unfairly.
He has developed a mentality of not giving but only asking for it, and has never learned to get along with others in other ways. Others always serve him, which makes him lose his independence and he doesn't know that he can do things.
When he faces difficulties, his only way to deal with it is to beg for help from others. He seemed to think that if his status was more prominent, or if others were forced to admit that he was a unique person, his situation would be greatly improved. These spoiled children are likely to become the most dangerous group in our society when they grow up.
Some of them will seriously undermine the will of kindness, such as pretending to be "stylist" to gain the opportunity to take power, but it will undermine the cooperation of the team. Some people will make more open rebellions: when no one shows flattery and obedience to them, they will feel betrayed; they feel that society is hostile to them, so they will have the idea of revenge on others.
And if society shows hostility towards their lifestyle, they will use this as evidence to conclude that they are being treated unfairly by society. This is why punishment is always unproductive: for them, punishment has no effect except strengthening the belief that "everyone else is against me."
spoiled children, whether they are secretly sabotaging or publicly rebelling, whether they are scolding others with Jiu-jitsu or committing revenge by violence, they essentially make the same mistake. In fact, we also found that many of them used two different methods, namely Jiu-jitsu and violence, but never changed their goals.
They feel: "The meaning of life is to be the leader, to make others feel that they are the most important, and to try every means to get everything they want." As long as they always hold this concept, what they do will be wrong.
Ignorance of the impact on children The third way to cause children to form a wrong "meaning of life" is to ignore them. Such children never understand what love and cooperation are, they ignore the power of friendship and give life an unreasonable explanation.
When facing problems in life, he always overestimates the difficulties and underestimates his ability to deal with problems and the kindness of others. He had encountered social indifference, and from then on, he mistakenly thought that society was always indifferent.
He doesn't know that he can also win the emotions and respect of others through behaviors that are beneficial to others, so he neither believes in himself nor others. In fact, the status of emotions is irreplaceable by any experience.
As a mother, the first thing she has to do is to let her children feel that she is a trustworthy mother, and she will expand this sense of trust to every detail in the child's living environment. If she fails this step and does not gain the interest, emotions and cooperation of the child, it will be difficult for the child to be interested in society and feel friendly to other partners.
In fact, everyone has the ability to become interested in others, but this ability must be inspired and tempered, otherwise his development will be hindered. If we have a child who is ignored, hated or excluded around us, we can easily find that he is lonely, does not like to interact with others, does not know how to cooperate, and he will completely ignore those things that can help him live with others. However, we mentioned that individuals in this environment will inevitably perish.
Generally speaking, as long as you pass the infancy, the child is enough to realize how much care and care he has received from the outside world.
Therefore, what we are talking about here is not those children who are completely ignored. What we consider is those children who are less cared for than the general situation, or children who are normally cared for in many aspects but are just neglected in one aspect.
In short, we believe that neglected children must have never found someone worthy of their trust. Our civilization has a sad irony, that is, there are many losers in life, all of them orphans or illegitimate children.
Generally, we will consider them to be among those neglected children. These three situations, physiological defects, being spoiled and ignored, are likely to give people wrong meanings to life. Children trapped in these situations need help in order to correct their approach to viewing problems, thus giving life the right meaning.
If we care about these children, are really interested in helping them, and have worked hard in this regard, we will feel the meaning of their lives in what they do.
This article author: Chaoyu, a writer who keeps walking, has been on the road.
