No one would say that praise is wrong, but when it comes to criticism, everyone will subconsciously frown, as if only praise can make people feel comfortable. It seems that criticism means that the parents are evil, and they will be bad parents.
In fact, empty praise is useless, but valuable criticism can make people improve. First, let’s take a look at what criticism is.
Is criticism an expression of emotion? Is criticism an accusation? Is the purpose of criticism simply to release emotions, or to make the other party make progress?
In fact, the difference between criticism and praise is: it is best not to make demands after praise and end with pure praise. But after criticism, we will definitely have requirements for the child's behavior. Therefore, the purpose of criticism is to help children improve and progress, not just as an expression of adults' simple accusation, reprimand, and anger.
We hope to criticize this method of communication. Being able to help children change their current state is the purpose of criticism.
Many times, parents may encounter such a situation and criticize him in a mild manner. It was okay when I said it, but I still didn’t change it after I said it. Some parents may feel that they have to criticize him severely and make him realize the seriousness of the problem. Only in this way will he change.
Such a method may have some effects at the beginning, but it cannot last for a long time. Parental severity escalates. In the end, the child may not listen at all, or there may be a strong confrontation, or there may be a communication conflict.
This situation is called the over-limit effect in psychology.
The over-limit effect refers to a psychological phenomenon in which stimulation is too much, too strong, or lasts too long, causing extreme psychological impatience or rebelliousness.
Once, the great writer Mark Twain listened to a pastor's speech. At first, he thought the speech was very good and planned to donate money. However, after ten minutes, the pastor had not finished speaking, and he became impatient. He decided to donate only some change; after another ten minutes, the pastor had not finished speaking, so he decided not to donate; when the pastor finished his speech, the angry Mark Twain not only did not donate any money, but also stole two pieces from the plate. money.
This kind of thing is the phenomenon of reverse psychology caused by too much stimulation or the effect for too long, which is the over-limit effect.
If the over-limit effect often occurs in family education, what would it be like? When a child fails to do well in a test without paying attention, parents will repeat the same criticism for the same thing once, twice, three times, four times, five times more times. At the beginning, the children felt guilty and uneasy, but in the end they became impatient and even pushed into a hurry. They would have the same rebellious mentality and behavior that I wanted.
Because once a child is criticized. It always takes some time to regain mental balance. When he is criticized repeatedly, he will mutter in his heart: "Humph, why do you always treat me like this!" The child cannot regain his composure after being criticized, and his resistance will grow.
So how can we avoid this over-limit effect and turn criticism into a way to help children grow? We must first analyze the types of mistakes children make.
Regarding children making mistakes, I divide them into two types:
One type is that the child has a problem with his attitude, or that he does not realize that this matter is wrong. He may not pay enough attention to it, so he makes the mistake. Mistakes, and this kind of mistake is usually considered a mistake by adults, but children do not think so.
The second one is ability, that is, the mistake he made was not within his ability, but because he failed to meet our requirements.
Let’s first take a look at this issue of attitude.
will tell you a little story. In 2016, my children and I were doing social practice activities in Guangzhou and stayed in a youth hostel. The environment of this youth hostel is very good and has different entertainment facilities.So there are a lot of people staying there. The only problem is that there is only one very small elevator in the entire youth hostel, which can only accommodate four people. If you bring one suitcase, basically two people, two suitcases will be full. Many people take the elevator every day, so we have to wait for a long time every time.
Once, everyone was gathering in a hurry. A child came to me and said, "Xiao Lan, look, Xiao Ming pressed the button for the elevator on each floor again." At this time, Xiao Ming made a mistake. In such a busy elevator, he pressed the button from the first floor to the tenth floor. Pressed on every floor. Not only will this cause danger, but it will also prevent everyone from using the elevator normally.
When the child walked slowly from the door, I saw a smile on his face. That is to say: He thinks this is naughty and happy, but he does not think it is a mistake. This means that he does not think it is wrong.
So how should I deal with such a thing?
Because many children were there, I asked everyone at that time, "What could cause danger in the elevator?" Many children spoke up.
"It may collapse, there may be a power outage, or the space may be closed." So I asked the second question, "What kind of situation will it cause to the people in the elevator?" They said, "Claustrophobia will occur. , it will suffocate, some people may not be able to catch the flight, and some may suffer from various life-threatening dangers..." Everyone listed it.
Then I asked the child directly: "Tell me, if you press the button from the first floor to the tenth floor, how many people will be delayed from getting on the elevator? How much time will be affected? What kind of accidents might it cause?" "The kid was stunned at that time, because I didn't come up to criticize him, I was discussing with him the consequences of this issue.
In the end, I took him with him and with the consent of the youth hostel staff, we walked from the first floor to the tenth floor. After recording a time, he saw that his behavior led to a decrease in the use of the elevator, which would lead to a decrease in the use of the elevator on each floor. The building is paused for a certain period of time, and then it may consume electricity.
Later, the child went home and said to his mother: "Mom, I learned from Xiaolan for the first time that my behavior is really harmful to others." The child's words let us reflect. ! ! !
Maybe at home, parents often criticize him without letting him see the consequences. This is typical. The child does not think that he is wrong. We need to help the child see the consequences.
Then let's think about it. Children may make such mistakes many times at home. The obvious state of adults is:
"How could you do this?"
We put a lot of energy into criticizing him and blaming him, but He was not made aware of the consequences of his actions. So we often say to our children, "Apologize!" We focus on the children, who must say sorry, and focus on the children, who must write a check. If he doesn't realize how much his actions will affect those around him. What is the use of that examination? It is a placebo for adults. We think that our children know it, so they will definitely not do it next time.
This is what adults are doing to themselves!
Faced with such a situation, we need to help children see the consequences of this behavior. So to summarize: when a child makes a mistake, we need to remember the following four points:
First, we must express the parents’ feelings, and never say that it is okay if they make a mistake. No, it is wrong for you to express your feelings. I am not happy! But enough is enough, because human energy is limited. If parents spend more time expressing their emotions, they may not have the opportunity or energy. Let’s think about and express the following content;
Second, we have to look at whether the child is not capable enough or because he did not realize that this was a mistake. Parents should not criticize children who are not capable enough, but should conduct self-examination. What kind of support and help should we provide our children?
So for these children who do not realize that they are wrong, we need to help them see the consequences of their actions. For this kind of children, parents must stay calm.
Because in the end we need to analyze rationally with him and let him see what consequences his behavior will bring to the people around him, so that he can truly realize it.
Third, we need to find solutions to these problems. When a child realizes this mistake, he can make up for his wrong behavior in his own way or by discussing it with his parents. But it is very important that our goal is not to make the child apologize, our goal is to make him realize that his behavior was wrong and he should correct it next time.
Fourth, parents must understand their roles clearly. We can share the mistakes with our child, but the child needs to know that he is an independent person. He needs to know how to deal with such things in the future. Parents are just assistants.
Finally, we need to give support and encouragement to our children.
So what should I do if my child makes a mistake? I used this example to let everyone know, First of all, we need to know that criticism is a way of communication. Its purpose is to make the other party aware of the problem and do better next time.
Secondly, we must distinguish clearly whether the child is in attitude, whether it is a mistake or his ability.
does not know that it is wrong. We need to help him understand the consequences of his actions and then change them together.
After reading my sharing, I hope everyone will think about a question: when a child makes a mistake, can you distinguish: which ones he did not realize his behavior was wrong, and which ones he really cannot do due to his own abilities? arrive. In the future, when you face such a situation, what will you do?
If you are willing, tell me your thoughts and thoughts in the message area. When your time is OK, we can further discuss
