I thought I was getting used to it now, and my hunger gradually faded away, and I no longer felt restless, as if a part of my body had been slit. I will never smoke again, forever.

◎Zong Xiaofei Lin Bianshui Translation

I have been quitting smoking for some time: 272 days. I thought I was getting used to it now, and my hunger gradually faded away, and I no longer felt restless, as if a part of my body had been slit. Actually, it is not the case. The fact is that I never feel empty for a moment, and I never feel like I am being stripped of that complete self. But I am used to this feeling now, that's all. To be more precise, I have accepted this painful reality.

I will never smoke again, forever.

Although that is the case, I did not completely give up my desire for smoke in my heart. It was like a kind of daydream. If I say they are the most private, the most terrifying, and even the daydreams we want to hide from ourselves… can you understand? No matter what, in daydreams, no matter what I wanted to do at that time, I would feel as excited as I could light a cigarette as I could watch the movie I dreamed of slowly approaching the climax.

This is exactly the importance of cigarettes in my life: it makes happiness and pain, hope and frustration, pleasure and sorrow, the present and the future come slowly, and in each opposing framework, help me find new shortcuts. When this possibility no longer exists, people will feel as if they are naked and helpless.

Once, I was taking a taxi and the driver kept smoking. The carriage was filled with heavy smoke. I couldn't help but take a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry!" said the man, then opened the car window. "No," I said, "Close it, I've quit smoking."

I can keep myself from dying to smoke for a long time, but once I think about it, it must be the deepest desire in my heart. This reminds me of the forgotten self, the me who is always imprisoned by medicines, artificial foods and health warnings. I want to be another person, to be the former Orhan, the former old smoke gun, and the former demon-subduing man.

Recalling the past and thinking about myself in the past, the question is not whether I want to light a cigarette immediately. In fact, the desire for chemical experience in the past is no longer there. I just miss the me in the past, just like I miss a brave friend or a handsome face. All I long for is to be the one I used to be. I always feel like I'm forced to wear clothes chosen by others and become the kind of person I hate. If I smoke again, I will feel strongly about the night again, and even feel the fear I once had.

I long to go back to the past me. I remember that in the past, I have had many vague experiences about eternity. In the past, time was still, as if it was still. When I was smoking, I sometimes reached a certain extreme state of happiness, and sometimes felt an unforgettable and intense despair, as if I felt that any state was eternal. I smoke a cigarette happily and the world will exist in an orderly manner.

Later, I began to become afraid of death. Smokers can die at any time, and all newspapers emphasize this view. Therefore, in order to live, I had to give up the smoking me and become another person. I have successfully done this. Now, that abandoned self is joining forces with the devil, trying to call me back to those days when time stagnates and death is not afraid of.

His summoning will no longer scare me.

Because, as you see, if you can enjoy it, writing can surpass all sadness.

excerpted from "Reader" 2022 Issue 1