Text: Gu'an Yunsha
Picture: Dasu Photography
When I was a child, I couldn't understand many problems, and my parents would say: When you grow up, you will naturally understand. Growing up is not just an increase in age, but also an increase in experience and cognition.
The so-called thirty years in Hedong, thirty years in Hexi. About thirty years is a limit. Thirty years will change many things and the fate of many people. It will also make a child slowly become a middle-aged person, make a middle-aged person become an old person without knowing it, and make an old person unknowingly. When a person is in his final years, he is caught off guard and leaves this world that is difficult for him to let go of.
Last year, a friend said that a person will reap what he sows, and a person's character also determines his destiny.
I thought about it for a moment. In my hometown village, in the past thirty years, I was familiar with those people who have passed away. I felt very sad.
The old man with a scarred head has been trying to be strong all his life, but when he doesn't get what he wants, he beats or scolds his children. His daughter-in-law was once frightened by him and drank medicine and hanged herself. In the village, he wanted to teach anyone he didn't like, and he wanted to teach him a lesson if he caught him; He had been the "prime minister" of the village. He was required to arrange weddings and weddings, and even when a couple was fighting and causing trouble, he was required to mediate.
When he was old, he was ill and used a cane. When he went to his sons' homes to take turns eating, I still feel incredible when I think about it now. No matter how strong a person is, he will eventually be unable to resist aging.
ended up having a good death. His bad temper is only directed at his own family. Including his old aesthetic concepts, he couldn't stand the way young people dressed. Even though his eyes were filled with dissatisfaction and even contempt, it didn't affect their lives.
people said: Your consciousness determines your destiny. When you are born in the world, different family environments and different growth experiences create different cognitive levels.
The most tragic thing for a family is when someone is killed. Grandma Jing and her daughter were killed by her daughterâs ex-husband. This was a hugely influential event at the time. Her daughter and I grew up together, we lived in the front and backyard.
She has always had a bad temper. When she was young, she beat her mother-in-law and scolded her father-in-law. She lived in poverty, had many children, and no one to take care of her. Everyone lived in misery. She had no family to rely on, only one who had a bad temper and couldn't live well. Single old father.
Later, when the children grew up and each reached the age where they needed to get married, she disliked both her daughter-in-law and her son-in-law.
Her daughter-in-law was frightened when she saw her. She gave birth to a child and did not take care of her after the confinement period. She always thought that her daughter-in-law was not worthy of her son. She made all kinds of difficulties and accusations all day long. Her daughter-in-law made her look down on her. She thinks her daughter-in-law is lazy and cares about her daughter, and scolds her at the top of her lungs whenever she sees her.
She was such a strong person, so her daughter naturally listened to her and went back to her parents' home to hide from her husband, which made her husband look for her everywhere. They continued to fight like this for almost ten years. After giving birth to two children, , in the end we still divorced.
None of the crops that year were brought to the family, and none of the children were snatched away. The husband had nothing, no education, and no legal awareness. He was driven to a state of rage and killed the two of them in a rage. Later, the whole village signed a petition to save his life, but the nature of the torture was so bad that he was executed a month later. After the family was destroyed, there were still two poor children left. This was the greatest pain.
I often wonder why things have reached such a point? Naturally, the husband couldn't bear it anymore and was ignorant. It was not easy to marry a wife and start a family. It was not wrong for him to want to defend his family, but his method was too extreme.
The biggest reason lies in the way Grandma Jing handles the problem. She should not scold him without any bottom line, make him angry, and forcefully interfere in her daughter's marriage.Why she would use such a method instead of taking a gentle method must be determined by her character.
We often say that character is destiny. It is true that what kind of character a person has will have what kind of destiny. However, what determines the formation of a character? That must be her family of origin.
Looking back, her father raised her alone, and of course he pampered her. Because her father had a bad temper and there might be some conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which the husband did not deal with, her mother couldn't bear it and ran away from home. From then on, she lost her mother's protection.
She was once a child who lacked love. This was probably one of the deepest reasons why she overprotected her children. She just loves her children so much that she feels that no one is worthy of her children.
This is caused by a flaw in her character. She doesn't have the ability to wake up on her own. If she had, she might have had a different ending.
and my "old and new wife" aunt. She is my second grandmother's daughter-in-law. When she married the uncle, he already had four children. The aunt fell ill and died. The eldest sister was six years old, the eldest brother was four years old, the second brother was a little over two years old, and the second sister was a little over one year old. The "old and new daughter-in-law" aunt was a widow. With a daughter less than ten years old, she formed a new family.
Because the aunt is married for the second time, the people in the tribe call her "old and new daughter-in-law". In fact, it means disrespectful, but after decades of calling her, everyone has become accustomed to this title. The eldest sister and brother were raised by the second grandmother and second grandfather, while the second brother and second sister belonged to the uncle and the "new" aunt.
There are many children, life is poor, and everything depends on the weather for food. With such a reorganized family, one can imagine how they can "connect hearts"? The aunt must love her biological daughter more, so since she was a child, the second sister has become the "little cabbage" in the drama: a little cabbage, the ground is yellow, and she lost her mother when she was three and four years old. He helped the family with the work day and night. If he couldn't dig out pigs or collect firewood, he wouldn't give him food, and he wouldn't let him go home to sleep.
When the second brother and the second sister grew up and got married, the aunt started fighting with the second sister-in-law every day and scolded the second brother. The uncle never had a good day and was scolded every day. Those days were simply unbearable. There was a small quarrel every two days and a big quarrel every three days. Every day, the chickens and dogs were restless and war broke out.
Finally one day, I was too old to scold anymore. The uncle suffered from hemiplegia . For about eight years, the uncle spent time in a wheelchair. These eight years were completely changed. The uncle raised his voice every day. I scolded my aunt, but she also endured it. It's really hard to wait until the uncle leaves and the aunt is left alone. No more company.
Her son doesnât kiss her, and her daughter doesnât like her. Even her biological daughter doesnât want to talk to her. She lived alone and suffered from femoral head necrosis . The pain was excruciating. She called her daughter, but before her daughter came to see her, she drank pesticide and left.
On the day of her funeral, the second sister cried the most because she thought of the anger she suffered when she was a child.
Everyone in the family said that this is the fate of the aunt. What kind of fate each person has in his life is determined by himself. But I feel differently.
Think about it, when the aunt first got married, she was still young and beautiful. Even with a child, she could still find a better man, but she chose to follow the uncle. It is said that he was "deceived" by the uncle after listening to his sweet words.
In that era, it was not easy to remarry. The atmosphere in rural areas was still too closed. It would be even more difficult to take this step forward and then go back. Who would have thought that this family is so responsible, like skewers of candied haws on a stick, one next to another, waiting to be fed. What a huge disappointment and contrast.
was living in such poverty, and she had nowhere to vent her grievances except on those "relatives" who were not her relatives.From this point of view, I can understand her, and I also feel that she will have a difficult life.
How can I live a good life if I feel uncomfortable? She lived in the village for decades and was finally buried with her uncle. However, she was not recognized by her tribe. After so many years, she was still regarded as the "old and new daughter-in-law"; she also did not gain the respect of her children, because no one I got love and warmth from her, even just hurt and meanness.
Although she later often stayed at her eldest sister's and second sister's house, and every time she returned to her parents' home, her eldest and second sister would give her money, but in the end she was reluctant to do so. There is always a lack of family affection in this family.
She gave neither. Her life was also miserable. I have been fighting against my "unwilling" fate all my life, and in the end I have never been able to survive the arrangement of fate.
Er Yangmaâs second grandma has also been strong all her life. I donât know why she had such a strong fighting spirit when she was young. She always fought with others, and ordinary men couldnât beat her. She had both skill and strength in fighting. Can win with one move.
When she was young, she often had fights with her "old wife". Both of them were big men and evenly matched. In a fight, neither of them would get the benefit of the doubt. They wouldn't even try to break off an arm or a leg, but at least they would scrape a few. The blood is on the other side. Then there would be constant scoldings. The two families lived close to each other, so the scoldings would last for three or four nights.
She also had many fights with Grandma Jing. Grandma Jing was not good at fighting, but she was good at crying and scolding, so the two of them were allies more often. When they couldn't find an opponent, the two of them would die. in the end. The difference between her and Grandma Jing is that she doesn't argue with her daughter-in-law, although her daughter-in-law doesn't say much good things about her.
The second grandmother has four children. The eldest daughter died of pesticides when she was 20 years old. She found a partner, but she did not agree. The eldest daughter couldn't bear to think about it. At such a beautiful age, she gave up the fight. As she grew older, the second grandma's temperament became more and more gentle, and she did not interact with others much. I remember that when the second aunt was not gone, she had a good relationship with the second aunt and often went to the second eldest mother's house to play.
My younger son died of cancer when he was in his thirties. He left behind a little grandson who was only a few years old. The younger daughter-in-law raised the child before marrying another man. When the child just graduated from technical school, he rode a motorcycle to find her. My friend was playing, but I didnât know what happened, so he hit a tree and died. Itâs really heartbreaking.
The series of changes in the family made the second grandmother several years older and even more silent. Now the Second Grandma is still alive, over eighty years old, and she doesnât even have anyone to talk to. But who can understand her life.
The strong-willedness of the second grandma is due to the environment in which she grew up. Both her parents died when she was a teenager. She is the eldest and has to take care of her younger siblings. When being bullied, she can only stand up and fight back. So slowly, Developed a combative character. I don't offend anyone unless they offend me. Fighting is just her protective shell.
When I was away from home, I often thought about their experiences. They were all people led by a tragic fate. They had no ability or need to reflect on themselves. They just lived numbly according to their own nature.
No matter how evil people are, they still have a soft side that you canât imagine. Itâs just that most of what we see is the side where they fight tooth and nail, and few people see their fragile and sensitive side, all the bodies wrapped in strength. Inside, there is a soft and overwhelmed side.
They have already suffered undue punishment that is far beyond their ability to bear. Maybe it's not their fault. In her unbearability, there is weakness and helplessness that we cannot see, and there are deficiencies and ignorance that we can't imagine.
There are no accidents in the things in this world, but only the inevitability under the path of heaven, the cycle of cause and effect, and endless life.
Maybe we should always have compassion for everyone we meet, cherish every encounter, every acquaintance, and then love them well.
Only love is the source of all happiness and peace.
