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Before his business trip, Chen Yan told me that the work this time was very important and that he was very busy and had no time to contact me.
I nodded obediently and would only send him a good night before going to bed every day.
He never replied to me. I just thought he was busy and didn't see it. But when I turned around, I saw that he had posted a message on Moments, with a picture of him and his first love.
I have never seen such a gentle statement, and all I can think about is the girl in front of him.
Even as a girlfriend, I have never been treated like this.
1
Chen Yan did not tell me in advance about the business trip. So when I came home from get off work and saw him walking out with his suitcase, my heart skipped a beat.
When he saw me, he didn’t have any unnecessary expressions. “I’m going on a business trip for a month. It’s a very important job. Please don’t contact me during this time.” After saying that, he pulled the suitcase and walked sideways from me. Walked by.
I watched blankly as his back disappeared around the corner of the corridor. It took a few minutes for me to react.
I lowered my head, blinked my eyes quickly several times, and forced back the tears.
I don’t know if he is really going on a business trip or if he is just trying to avoid me. After all, I had an argument with him just last night.
To be precise, it was my unilateral collapse.
Last night, I was looking for something on the coffee table, but my leg hit the corner of the table. The bone-piercing pain made me cry out all of a sudden. But Chen Yan, who was sitting on the sofa, turned a blind eye. He even frowned, as if it was because I had disturbed him.
At that moment, I didn’t know whether it was because of the pain or something else, but I suddenly felt extremely wronged. I told him, "Chen Yan, it hurts so much."
He finally raised his head and glanced at me, but the words he spat out made me As if falling into an ice cave, "Zhou Chuchu, why are you so pretentious?" Then he stood up from the sofa, walked to the study without looking back, and closed the door.
I lowered my head and looked at the bruises that were quickly forming on my knees, and suddenly I couldn't help crying. From beginning to end, the study door was never opened.
The second night after Chen Yan left, I clicked on his dialog box, then closed it, opened it again, and closed it again, over and over again. I typed a large paragraph in the dialog box and deleted them one by one. After thinking about it for a long time, I finally just said "I'm sorry."
I don't know why I apologize. It seems that apologizing has become a habit of mine. When there is a conflict, I am always the first to say sorry.
I held my phone and waited from eight o'clock to nine o'clock, and from nine o'clock to twelve o'clock, but I still couldn't wait for his reply. I thought he must have been too busy and tired to see my message.
I had no choice but to send him "Good night."
Without exception, for more than half a month, every message I sent came to nothing. From the initial expectations, to now, I don't feel much at all.
I am puzzled, what is going on? Obviously, in the past, if I didn't see him for a day, I would be anxious and flustered, and I couldn't sleep. Now, it has been half a month, and I can actually resist not looking for him.
This kind of doubt continued until I went to bed at night, and I sent him a good night as usual.
Then I saw that he posted a message on Moments, and the picture was a photo of him and a girl.
I have never seen such a gentle statement. The gentleness between the eyebrows and eyes can turn into water. The girl in the photo is petite and cute, with a smile on her face.
I know her, Chen Yan’s first love - Jiang Lai.
In the past, just hearing her name made me feel like I was facing an enemy.
I put down my phone, sat in front of the mirror, and looked at the person in the mirror carefully. I smiled like a girl, but no matter what, I was not as beautiful and smart as her.
I thought about it for a long time and finally understood that only those who are loved can laugh so brazenly and flamboyantly.
And me, no one loves me.
2
I met Chen Yan in my sophomore year. Even though I had never met him, I had heard of his name. In addition to giving him a handsome face, God also gave him a smart brain.
I can often hear news about him in the classroom, canteen and even on the road. He has won an award again, and he is on TV again. It would be so happy to be his girlfriend.
Later, I became his girlfriend, and I started to think about it, am I happy? Probably happy, even if he is always indifferent to me, as long as he can be with the person he likes, he is happy.
The first time I faced Chen Yan was before the final exam. He sat directly opposite me in the library.
From time to time, a girl passed by him, whispering something, and when she walked out of the library, her voice suddenly became louder, "It's Chen Yan! He is so handsome, and he works so hard, if he can be His girlfriend is a blessing that has been cultivated in several lifetimes! "
I always pretend to be thinking and look at him secretly. He is really good-looking. I think I must be interested in him.
For several days, he sat in the same seat, probably because there were so many girls who liked him. When I got to my usual seat, I found that there was already someone there, a girl with long curly hair. The girl, with a red face, raised her head to peek at him from time to time, her eyes full of emotion.
I can’t tell what it felt like, but the next day, I got up earlier, and this time, it was me sitting opposite him.
When I was taking the last exam, I caught a bad cold. I felt groggy and couldn't muster any energy. I lay on the table and fell asleep. I vaguely felt someone staying in front of my table. When I woke up, I saw a pack of cold spirit granules placed on the table.
I looked at Chen Yan, and he smiled casually at me. My heart beat violently. I seemed to like him suddenly.
After the exam, I went to pack my books. Before leaving, I hesitated at the door of the library for a long time with my mobile phone. Finally, when he was about to get up and leave, I bravely walked over.
"Hello, senior, I am Zhou Chuchu, can you add me on WeChat?"
I buried my head low, and it was only after a long time that I felt his movements.
"Okay."
After he said that, I left the library as if I was running away.
My heartbeat slowed down only when I returned to the dormitory.
During the winter vacation, I started chatting with Chen Yan online. Usually I would say a long paragraph and he would reply to me. Just before school started, he asked me, "Zhou Chuchu, are you chasing me?"
I held the phone, my face was burning, and I pretended to be calm and replied "Hmm, do you agree?"
He didn’t reply to me, and my heart sank, but I wasn’t sad, I just thought it was expected.
On the 7th month after I chased him, he asked me to go out for a drink. I was not used to such a feasting environment, so I sat tight in my seat.
He leaned lazily on the sofa, with a smile on his face, "Zhou Chuchu, why are you so nervous?"
I grabbed the hem of my clothes tightly with both hands, pretending to be calm, "I'm not nervous."
He lowered his voice He laughed softly and leaned on my shoulder.
I was stunned in place, and I didn’t even know where to put my hands. He grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear: "Zhou Chuchu, I agree."
said a meaningless sentence, but I instantly understood what he meant, and he agreed to be with me. .
I was overwhelmed by this sudden and huge surprise. Later, I found out that on the day he agreed to be with me, his first love was engaged to someone else.
In the second month I was with him, he took me out to meet friends. I still clearly remember the shock and sympathy in the eyes of his friends when they saw me.
When I was about to finish, I went to the toilet. At the corner of the corridor coming back from the toilet, two boys were standing there, lighting a cigarette in their hands and talking about something.
I originally didn’t want to be an eavesdropper, but when I heard Chen Yan’s name, I stopped in shame.
They said, "Chen Yan really has a new girlfriend. Has he really let go of Jiang Lai?"
"What else can we do? Jiang Lai is already engaged. It's such a pity. They have been together for so many years, and finally Still not together, this fucking love! "
That was the first time I knew Jiang Lai, the first time I heard her name.
On the way back at night, I mentioned Jiang Lai's name unintentionally, and I asked Chen Yan, "Who is Jiang Lai?"
He let go of my hand and looked at me with a frown, "Who told you?"
I was a little flustered, and gently grabbed the corner of his clothes, and said obediently: "If you don't like it, I won't mention it anymore."
He didn't speak, just stared at me, then smiled brightly and touched my hand. I thought, "This is how you behave."
Later, when I thought about it, maybe it was from this moment on that the balance between me and him became unbalanced. I like that he is timid, but he is just perfunctory and dismissive.
Later, I pieced together a complete story from the few words of others. They were nothing more than childhood sweethearts, but in the end they had no choice but to part ways.
I overestimated my ability and thought that there were only ten years between him and Jiang Lai, while he and I would have ten, twenty, thirty, or fifty years.
3
I lay quietly on the bed, staring at the dark ceiling with my eyes open. My cell phone rang suddenly. It was my college roommate Nanfang. I thought she must have seen Chen Yan’s circle of friends.
I hesitated for a long time, not knowing whether I should answer the call or what to say. Finally, I pressed the answer button.
Her voice came from the receiver, with a bit of worry and caution, "Chuchu, are you okay?"
I hummed.
She seemed to be sure that I was pretending to be strong, and comforted me: "Don't be too sad, maybe there is some misunderstanding."
I was actually not sad at all, so I asked her, "Should I be sad?" "
She said like she was pouring beans, "You like Chen Yan so much, and he treats you like this. It's right for you to be sad, but at this time, you should be calmer. There is nothing that you can't overcome, right? "
I nodded heavily, "You're right."
"It's best if you think about it this way. Do you want to go out to play together tomorrow?"
"Forget it, I have other things to do tomorrow. I'll contact you later. "After that, I hung up the phone.
I turned over and lay on my side, remembering what she just said, "There is no obstacle that cannot be overcome." Yes, there is no obstacle that cannot be overcome.
Three months ago, I was pregnant with my aunt. My stomach hurt so badly that even taking painkillers had no effect. I lay in bed all day. At night, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I called Chen Yan.
I called again and again, but no one answered. At that time, I was lying on the bed and looking into the dark room. I thought that I might die here and wait until my body rots before being discovered by my neighbors.
I feel extremely lonely, but it’s so strange, how can I be lonely? I have a person who I like very much. He lives with me, eats with me, sleeps with me, and talks with me. How could I be so lonely?
Finally, the phone was connected. I was like a drowning person who finally grabbed the rope, but before I could speak, his impatient voice came from the receiver, "Didn't you tell me that I have something? Are you here?" What to do?"
I opened my mouth, but at that moment, I seemed to have lost my voice. I couldn't say anything, and my heart was filled with coldness.
Later, I endured the pain and went downstairs to take a taxi to the hospital.
When I was lying on the hospital bed with a sling bottle, I didn’t dare to fall asleep even though I was very sleepy because I was alone. Probably because I was so pitiful, the nurse came up and said, "Go to sleep, I'll keep an eye on it for you."
I dared to fall asleep in a drowsy way.
What was Chen Yan doing that day? It seems that Jiang Lai is back and he is taking care of her.
I’ve even overcome that hurdle, so what else can’t I overcome?
When I woke up the next day, it was already nine o'clock in the morning. I slept soundly.
I fried myself an egg, had breakfast with milk, and then started to pack my luggage. When we first got together, Chen Yan said that he would never take the initiative to break up with me.
Now that I think about it, men are always like this. He won't take the initiative to break up, but he will force you to break up in thousands of ways.
When I packed it up, it was not that simple. I found that the things I bought were everywhere in this room. There are couple's water cups, couple's slippers, couple's ornaments, couple's towels, but most of them are old things. I haven't bought anything from this house for a long time.
There is no need to take these things away. I packed them up, divided them three times, and threw them all into the trash.
I pulled several large suitcases and put the keys on the cabinet at the door.
The hydrangeas on the balcony were in full bloom, and a thin layer of dust fell on the lounge chair in the corner. That was what Chen Yan bought for me when we first moved in. Every night, the two of us would sit on that little lounge chair and share the day's experiences.
There is a faint fragrance on his body, and I can't help but kiss him on the face. At that time, I am really happy.
But I can’t remember the last time the two of us sat on the recliner together, and it seems that I haven’t smelled his fragrance for a long time.
4
I moved into the hotel and started looking for a house non-stop. I added the agency's WeChat account not long ago. I rubbed my temples and smiled to myself. Could it be that I had anticipated that Chen Yan and I would be together not long ago. The end of the breakup?
The agent was very efficient. He invited me to view several houses that afternoon. Finally, I chose a small suite very close to the company and moved in with my bags.
The house I rented with Chen Yan before was about an hour's subway ride away from where I work in order to accommodate him. I get up early every day, make breakfast, and go out to catch the subway. I complained more than once, "Ayan, I want to sleep in~"
He always touched my head and said with a smile: "The early bird catches the worm."
After a long time, I no longer When I complained, it was not about compromising, but knowing that he would never change anything just because of my complaint.
After the house matter was settled, I made an appointment with Nanfang to go out for dinner. She has sent me dozens of messages since last night, mostly about trivial matters. She didn't say a word about Chen Yan, but I knew that she was trying to comfort me, and I should see her both emotionally and rationally.
I put on light makeup and looked pretty.
We made an appointment at a Japanese food shop. When she saw me, she seemed to be shocked by my changes. She sat opposite me with a complicated expression, "Chu Chu, you seem to have changed."
I put down my chopsticks and sat upright, "Where "Changed?"
She shook her head, "I can't tell. It's obviously still the same person, but he doesn't look like this person."
I said, "Chen Yan and I are separated."
She looked at me with surprise. "Really, really?"
I nodded and said to myself: "It's strange, isn't it? Once, I had a dream in which Chen Yan and I were separated. After I woke up, I held him in my arms I cried for a long time, my heart felt like it was being pressed by a big stone, and I couldn't breathe. Just a dream made me sad for a long time.
I thought at that time, I would never be separated from him in this life. In the morning, when I packed up my things and moved out of that familiar house, I was not sad. On the contrary, I was relieved.
Nanfang, why is this?
She murmured for a long time. It seemed that I had made up my mind, "Chu Chu, do you not love him anymore?"
Hearing this, I raised my head and looked at her, "Do I not love Chen Yan anymore?" The fog that enveloped me seemed to dissipate in an instant, and all the abnormalities had appropriate reasons.
I don’t love him anymore. This answer I had never thought of was placed in front of me at this moment. I was stunned for a long time, and then I shed tears while laughing. I really have no love for Chen Yan anymore.
I once stubbornly believed that my love for him was like drinking water and eating. It was deeply engraved in my bones. But I don’t know from which day my love started to become less and less. In the end, there was no trace of it. No one is left.
Nanfang was frightened by me. She hurriedly took out a tissue from the box to wipe my tears. I held her hand and said, "Actually, I am very happy."
She blushed because of my words. Eye sockets.
I think it was because she was happy that the girl who was so lonely and courageous that her head was bruised and bloody, finally looked back.
I sorted out my thoughts and started living my life as usual. But one day half a month later, he suddenly received a message from Chen Yan. He said that he would be home at 12 noon tomorrow.
This has never happened before. I have always asked him, when will you come back? I miss you so much. He never takes the initiative to report his itinerary.
In the past, I would have been overjoyed when I saw this message from him, but now, my heart is not touched at all.
After thinking about it, I still didn’t reply to his message.
When he got off work, he called me. I was waiting for the light to turn green, so I answered the call.
"Why don't you reply to my message?"
There was a slight anger in his tone, but I no longer had the intention to distinguish it. I said, "Chen Yan, we have broken up."
My boyfriend was away on a business trip for a month, and I saw I went to the circle of friends where he met his first love and decisively broke up and ended the relationship
He probably didn’t react and didn’t speak for a long time. Just then the green light came on, I hung up the phone and walked towards the other side of the road.
5
I recently took on a new project. Since it is just starting up, I am always very busy. When I finished my work, I realized that it was already nine o'clock in the evening.
I turned on my phone and saw the message Chen Yan sent four hours ago, "I'm waiting for you downstairs." This was the first time, but I didn't understand. We had broken up, so what else could he want from me? thing? I didn't believe that he would wait for me for four hours.
When we first got together, I asked him to go to the amusement park. When we first walked downstairs, I found that I forgot to take the key, so I turned back.
Then I waited downstairs for an hour, but he didn't come. I called him and asked him, and he said, I have been waiting for you downstairs for four minutes, but when you didn't arrive, I left.
How could someone who was not willing to wait for me for four minutes wait for me for four hours after we broke up?
I packed up my things and carried my bag downstairs. Then I caught a glimpse of him, who was tall and tall, leaning against the car, playing with his mobile phone in his hand.
I walked towards him and when he saw me, he put his phone in his pocket.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to pick you up." He stretched out his hand to grab my hand.
I stepped back and avoided his touch. He seemed a little dissatisfied and frowned, "What are you making a fuss about?"
I don't know where he saw that I was making trouble unreasonably. I said a little tiredly: "I'm not making trouble, I have already moved out, I thought you understood."
"Understand what? Understand that I only went on a business trip for a month, and you moved out of the house after I came back, and then Do you want to break up with me?"
An unknown fire rose in my heart, "What about you? I send messages to my boyfriend every day with great expectations, but he not only doesn't reply to me, but also goes out to eat with his first girlfriend in the middle of the night. "Should I break up?"
He paused for a while and said softly: "If it's because of this, I can explain."
He is not a good-tempered person, nor is he a person who likes to explain. Saying such words is already a big concession, but I don't need it now.
I shook my head, "I don't love you anymore."
He looked at me a little anxiously, "I already told her that I have nothing to do with her. She came back to me three months ago and wanted to get back together with me. I admit it. , I was very entangled at the time. Half a month ago, she found me again, but I had already let go of her. I was convinced that the person I liked was you, and she wanted to take the photo, and she posted it on Moments. I want a formal farewell, that's it."
If this explanation had been spoken half a month ago, maybe the ending between me and him would have been different, but it was too late.
I sighed and said softly: "Chen Yan, you still don't understand."
The person who defeated me and him was never Jiang Lai, but himself. His silence, his paranoia, his hindsight, his taking it for granted, his selfishness.
After I finished speaking, I left. He stood there with his head lowered, thinking about something.
6
I thought that he and I had made it clear and he would never come to me again.
But a week later, I saw him again downstairs. He lit a cigarette and frowned amid the smoke. He had never smoked before. When
saw me, he put out the cigarette butt in a panic, and then called me, "Chu Chu" with a hoarse voice. Probably because he was afraid that I would ignore him, he hurriedly added, "Can we talk?"
I thought about it for a while and nodded. I don't like sloppy relationships. If we talk, it can make him happy. I'd be more than happy to stop bothering me.
We went to a cafe near the company. The owner of the cafe had a ragdoll cat . His blue eyes were like deep lakes, which was very beautiful.
When there are few people in the store, this kitten walks around the store with elegant steps, as if patrolling its territory.
I looked at the little kitten with a smile. Maybe he knew that I liked it. Chen Yan said softly: "Do you like it? Let's get one too."
I turned to look at him, probably because of the surprise in my eyes. obvious.
He explained to me, "As long as you like it."
Chen Yan doesn't like cats, he even hates them, but now he is willing to change his preferences for me. If it were before, I would really be crazy with joy.
I once had a kitten. It was a stray cat that I picked up from outside on a rainy day.
I called it Mimi, and it stumbled towards me without any warning at all. The wet little body rubbed hard against my feet. When I screamed, it rubbed against me.
So, I took it home and named it Mimi.
Mimi was so skinny and small that I couldn’t even open her eyes. I carried her to the hospital, but even the doctor said she was too small and would have a hard time surviving.
I didn’t believe it. During those nights, I set an alarm clock every half hour. When I fell asleep, I got up again and touched its little body to make sure it was still alive.
I poured all my efforts into this little dumpling, and it finally lived up to my expectations, safe and healthy. I decided at that time that I wanted to raise Mimi. This was my fate with her.
But Chen Yan was unwilling. He bluntly said that he didn't like cats and wanted me to choose between him and cats.
How could I choose, so I begged him, and I tried different ways to please him every day. He seemed to be very satisfied with my humbleness, and finally relented and allowed me to raise my breasts.
But he still doesn’t like Mimi. Whenever he sees me holding Mimi, his face becomes extremely gloomy. So, I only dared to play with Mimi when he was not around.
When Mimi was three months old, I went on a business trip. Before I left, I asked Chen Yan to take good care of Mimi, and he agreed.
I finished work early and rushed back from other places overnight. When I opened the door, Mimi was not at the door to greet me. Obviously, as soon as I came home, Mimi would sit at the door and wait for me with her little head raised. After seeing me, they would pounce on me and meow non-stop.
I hurried to the balcony. Mimi was lying in the nest. The cat food and water on the balcony were still the same as they were when I left.
I called out softly.
It struggled to open its eyes and glanced at me, then closed its eyes again. I didn't have time to ask Chen Yan what happened, so I rushed to the hospital with Mimi in my arms.
The doctor said that Mimi suffered from acute renal failure, and it was a miracle that she could survive for so long.
It was lying on the cold table. It had only been a few days since it was seen, and it had already lost a lot of weight.
I called it Mimi. It looked at me with wet eyes, raised its soft little paws and put them on my hands, and then closed its eyes.
Obviously, miracles only happen once. It said goodbye to me and then returned to Meow Star.
My breasts came to me on a rainy morning and left me on a rainy night.
I want to blame Chen Yan, but I can't blame him. I blame myself even more. I clearly know that he doesn't like Mimi, and Mimi doesn't get close to him, so why should I let him take care of Mimi?
After Mimi left, I fell seriously ill. In those days, Chen Yan was the only one who took care of me.
After I woke up, I looked at him. When he saw me waking up, his face was full of surprise, and then guilt. These two emotions made his expression very complicated.
I remembered that it was at that time that I first had the idea of leaving him, and I had even thought of an excuse.
But one early morning when the light broke, I saw him busy in the kitchen, muttering, "Cook on low heat for 30 minutes, stirring constantly."
He was cooking porridge attentively, and I was leaning against him. Looking at him from the door, I saw concentration and worry on his face, an expression I had never seen before.
So, I forced myself to forget everything before, and I gave myself and him a chance.
There was quiet light music flowing in the coffee shop. I stirred the coffee on the table and said to him: "I don't like cats anymore."
He seemed a little anxious, "What about dogs? Hamsters? Rabbits? What do you like? , we all raise it.”
I shook my head, “I don’t want to raise anything anymore, so don’t come to me again."
He looked at me hurt, and I got up and left, never looking back.
7
After the project ended, I got a large bonus and ten days of vacation.
I went to Xinjiang and rented a car there. car.
I drove the old pickup truck all the way to the west. I went to Kanas Lake, passed through Nalati Grassland, and climbed to Pamir Plateau. On a good night, I lay on the endless grass with a freshly opened can of beer in hand. Looking at the stars in the sky, memories of the past flashed through my mind, good and bad.
Finally. Everything disappeared, and all I could see was the sky full of stars.
I received a call from Nanfang, and she said that Chen Yan was looking for me everywhere. I smiled and said nothing, and she continued, "You can play in peace, I won't let him." I'm going to disturb you.
After the trip, I went back to school, and the library in my memory remained unchanged. I sat in that familiar position, and through time, I seemed to see my twenty-year-old self. Timid, cowardly, and reserved, but growing wantonly, she raised her head and smiled brightly at me, and I suddenly burst into tears.
It turned out that after seeing that circle of friends, those who had brought her to me in countless days and nights. The hurt and embarrassment caused to me, the despair of not being able to love and not getting what I wanted, and the self-abandonment and humiliation suddenly came like a tide, destroying the love I had built with my own hands.
After the tide passed, the love disappeared. The hatred disappeared, and I finally regained my twenty-year-old self-esteem. When I came out of the library, I saw Chen Yan. Pao, told him my itinerary.
He was much thinner than before, and the shirt that originally fit him became looser. When he saw me, he stepped forward cautiously and said with a flattering smile: "I'm tired. Bar. "
I nodded and took steps.
He followed me step by step, "Chu Chu, come back, okay? "
I turned my head to look at him, shook my head, and thought about it for a long time before speaking, "Chen Yan, it's easy to get together and part ways. "
He held my hand stubbornly and refused to let go, "Chu Chu, I was wrong. Can we start over? I'll make up for you what I missed before. If you don't feel relieved, just beat me and scold me, as long as you don't leave. "
The man who was about 1.8 meters tall stood there with red eyes, but my heart was no longer touched.
I don't understand how he realized his overwhelming love for me in an instant. .
So I asked him, "You said you liked me, but why did you do that to me before? "
His face turned pale instantly, and he loosened his grip on my hand. He opened his mouth, but couldn't say a word.
I looked at his appearance and suddenly understood.
He was here Jiang Lai couldn't get any love, so he turned around and met me, a fool. Those passionate likes satisfied the self-esteem he once lacked. He looked at me with cold eyes and walked around him. The lower I was, the prouder he became.
He was using my inferiority complex to repair his self-esteem.
I turned around and walked quickly towards the front. The twenty-year-old me was standing not far away, waving at me, and then I walked faster and faster. Start running.
Behind, Chen Yan remains in the shadow.
I know that he will be left there forever, and my new life has just begun. (Original title: "My Heartbeat Is Over")
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