​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ away away from their two sons, her mother, Zhu Zhu, was introduced by Lao Duo, took her daughter Zhu Zhu, escaped from the mountains of

Stills from the movie "Roadside Picnic"

I remember that it was a rainy day when I returned to Guizhou. Grandpa stood at the door to pick me up. Not long after

came back, my dad also rushed home from other places. My dad was very happy, he said, you are finally back.

I think that the days to come will be better and I will be able to return to a normal life.

Remember, your mother is your aunt.

After returning home, I started school again.

My mother is a taboo in the family. I will not mention my mother’s past, nor will I take the initiative to contact her. But I gave my school phone number to my grandma. If my mother contacted her, she would be able to contact me.

In the next three or four years, I never saw my mother, but we occasionally talked on the phone, and every time she would ask my brother if he had mentioned her. I felt that my mother wanted to come back. But every time my answer is no, no one at home will mention her.

In the third year of junior high school, I couldn’t study any more, so I decided to go to Zhejiang to work. Because we were so close to my mother, we began to communicate more frequently. My mother was not living a very good life. She was separated from her uncle in Jiangsu and now lives alone.

I missed my mother very much, so I decided to go see her.

When I arrived in Jiangsu, my cousin picked me up. Before this, I had no idea that my cousin would be with my mother.

When I was on the bus, my cousin told me, remember, your mother is your aunt, you can't call her "mom", you have to call her [aunt].

I said why? She said, your mother has a family now. She didn't tell others that she had children, so you are here to see your aunt.

I was very confused at the time. What I was confused about was not that she had entered another marriage, but why she concealed my existence.

When I was about to arrive, I saw my mother standing at the door to pick me up. I originally wanted to call her, but I thought I couldn't call her "Mom", so in the end I just didn't speak. She didn't say a word, but I saw her wiping tears.

Finding a home

I was surprised to find that my sister in Anhui was standing next to my mother, but she had completely forgotten me.

For a moment, there were many questions in my mind, why is my sister here?

My mother said that after I left, she missed me so much that I went back once and secretly took my sister out.

I was a little angry and asked my mother, why did you take it secretly?

My mother said that they would not give it to me openly and could only take it secretly.

I said, what about my brother?

She said that her younger brother is more attached to his father now and he is doing well. She should take the girls out first and then talk about the boys. After I entered, I saw a tall and strong middle-aged man. This was my mother's fourth "husband". I didn't know how long they had been together at the time, but I could tell that this uncle was very kind to my mother.

Many of the clothes in my mother’s wardrobe were given by him. My uncle usually works the night shift and would bring midnight snacks to my mother and sister every time he comes back.

My mother is also very affectionate towards my uncle. She will prepare meals and wash clothes for him when he is off work. When his hair grows long, he will say, "Your hair is long, why don't you cut it?" I have never seen my mother say this to my father or to my uncle in Anhui before.

Stills from the movie "Into the Dust"

I was helpless when I saw my mother secretly taking my sister out again and finding a new home, but I was also a little bit relieved. I think she must have found where she belongs.

I thought to myself, it would be great if I could live like this.

-5-

cancer

However, my mother’s peaceful life could not last. The secret she carefully kept for more than ten years was finally revealed. The irony is that it all stemmed from a happy event, a reunion.

At that time, my mother and uncle had been together for 4 years. That year, my uncle got cancer.

If he could quit smoking and actively cooperate with treatment, he could live for another year or two. Otherwise, danger may occur at any time.

I thought that my mother might feel uncomfortable because we hadn’t celebrated the New Year together for many years. That year, I said I would go over to accompany them.

Uncle may have cancer, so he said that he had never met my grandmother. He thought that after the Chinese New Year, we would take my sister back to Guizhou together.

My mother refused. What’s so good to see from so far away? Haven’t you seen the photos?

Uncle has never been married before. He committed a crime when he was young, went to jail, and was already quite old when he came out. He said, I finally got married for the second time in my life, and I have never even met my husband or mother-in-law. This is too unreasonable. My mother said nothing.

Not long after, my aunt's son suddenly got engaged, and the wedding banquet was scheduled for the first day of the new year. Uncle

volunteered and said, I just want to see my parents, let me go!

My mother’s expression at that time was very intriguing, a little happy and a little scared.

That night, I don’t know how she discussed it with her uncle, but she agreed the next day anyway.

Uncle left on the 28th day of the twelfth lunar month. After my uncle left, I slept with my mother. I could feel her staying up all night. I understand her anxiety, because I also have mixed emotions. My aunt and grandma's house is really close to my home, only separated by a small lake.

What will happen if this incident reaches the ears of my family?

Happiness and funerals

Not only was this incident exposed, but the uncle died locally.

On the wedding day, because there were too many people, no one paid attention to where my uncle was. In the afternoon, my aunt found my uncle lying motionless on the bed. She thought he had drunk too much, so she covered him with a quilt. When he slept until midnight, he still didn't respond. Thinking that he hadn't eaten dinner, the aunt went to shake him, only to find that his uncle's hands and feet were cold and he was already dead.

We have to hold weddings for three consecutive days, and this is only the second day, and there is still one more day, but this matter cannot be exposed, because my dad and the others will also go to my aunt's house for weddings. But if a hearse is called, the whole village will know.

Stills from the movie "Into the Dust"

That night, my uncle was carrying his uncle on his back, trying to carry him out of the village, and then ask the funeral parlor to pick him up. But because of the wedding ceremony and the Chinese New Year, the village was very lively and there were people everywhere. They could tell that this person was dead.

The whole village knows about it.

Not long after, I received a call from my dad.

My dad said, your mother was so promising that she invited a man to come back to eat the wedding wine at your aunt's house and then died at your aunt's house. Do you know this?

I was very panicked. I was afraid that my dad would be sad if I said I knew about it. I said I didn’t know and let it be over.

My dad said, but I’m so angry! What is this thing called? Your mother’s household registration is still here. She asked a man to attend the wedding as her uncle, so who am I? I stupidly went there that day...

The whole family also knew about it.

For a long time after my uncle's funeral arrangements were completed, my mother completely collapsed and needed someone to stay by her side, otherwise she would engage in self-harm.

She often said that she could see her uncle sitting by the bed and talking to her.

At that time, I went to work in Guangdong, and I wanted to bring her to live with me here for a change.

She doesn't want to go anywhere.

Later I heard from my mother that my uncle had called her a few hours before his death.

I don’t know if he knew he was going to die. He told my mother to take care of herself and my sister. My mother asked him if he had drunk too much. He said he was happy after drinking some. Uncle

is not usually very good at saying these caring words. He said that that day.

He also said that he would be back soon.

A Family Portrait Twenty Years Late

Huang Liang Yi Meng, my mother entered the factory again and lived alone in a dormitory again.

After this incident, my dad and everyone in my hometown knew about my mom.

For my father, his former wife made him unable to hold his head high in the village. For my mother, the person she loved died in the place she had spent half her life trying to escape.

How embarrassing.

This was probably the worst time to send my mother home.

But I think this should all be over.

I hated my mother, I hated her for bringing such a big change to my native family, and I hated her for bringing this kind of harm to my younger brothers and sisters in Anhui again. But as everyone grew up and each had their own families, the hatred faded away.

It's very pitiful that my mother is still wandering alone at this age. I hope she can return to her roots.

This is also my grandfather’s last wish.

Maybe my grandfather figured out a lot of things at the end of his life and felt that he had been sorry for my mother before, so he hoped that my mother could come back.

In 2013, when my grandfather was about to die, we all rushed back. He told my two brothers, stop complaining about your mother, there is a place for her in the family as long as her household registration is still there. If she has a good life outside, forget it. If she has a bad life, she must be brought back.

In the past, my two brothers would definitely refute it. But that day, they didn't speak. I think they accepted grandpa's last wish.

Grandpa passed away within a few days. In the years after

, the elders in the family discussed it over and over again, and my dad also relented.

I told my mother about this matter, and she was furious. She said that I would not go back, even if I was begging for food outside.

It’s 2019. This year, I asked my aunt, aunt, uncle, grandma, and grandpa to take turns to persuade my mother. She finally relaxed a little. She said I have one condition. After I go back, I won't live with your father. I will live with your brother. She let go. We are both very happy. At least we can take the first step.

But my mother has always been swayed, so I simply bought the ticket. After buying the ticket, she felt reassured. She said, since you bought the ticket, go back. No matter whether you are gathering or breaking up, just visit your grandparents, whom you haven’t seen in twenty years. After getting in the car, I could feel that she was very nervous and she was crying silently most of the time.

My second brother drove to pick us up. In my imagined reunion scene, my mother would cry and my second brother would look indifferent. But unexpectedly, my second brother took the initiative to call mom and helped her put her luggage in the trunk. My mother didn’t cry, she was very happy, and she hugged my niece and chatted all the way in the car. The scene is quite warm.

The day I got home, a lot of people came. My aunt and the others were preparing the meal, just like a banquet. Everyone is happy. After dinner, my eldest brother suggested taking a family photo because it was the first time we had so many people.

A family portrait that was twenty years late/Zhu Zhu

This family portrait that was twenty years late was finally completed today.

is very complete. I have had this scene in my dreams many times.

Not all questions have answers

However, the perfect beauty in the world is so rare.

My mother has not been back for 21 years. We all live under the same roof. We are related by blood but have no feelings.

The warmth on the day of the reunion was more like a kind of courtesy. After that, everything in my life, from the way I spoke to the amount of food I prepared when cooking, was wrong. My mother is also very sensitive. She feels that her brother and father are not good to her, and she feels aggrieved and complains endlessly all day long.

My eldest brother, second brother, and father all couldn't stand her. In the mutual evasion and complaints, the originally harmonious family became restless.

Besides Guizhou, my brother and sister in Anhui are also not doing well.

My sister often says that it was her mother who caused her to lose her own home. She became autistic, suspicious, and unable to trust anyone. But she will also feel that my mother is the only person in the world who treats her well.

After his uncle in Anhui unfortunately died of illness, his younger brother had no one to control him. He entered society early, hanging out in nightclubs and clubs, selling his body.

said that my mother doesn’t love us and she will try her best to take my sister and me away. But even though she loves us, she can leave her son behind again and again for so many years, no matter what.

The desire to escape from the sea of ​​suffering has not changed at all because it has entered the sea of ​​suffering again; it keeps running towards the vain place, and ultimately has no destination. I can’t figure out why my mother’s life turned out like this.

Not all questions have answers.

Stills from the movie "Spring Water"

During the years when I followed my mother, I met many people like my mother. Because the proportion of male domestic violence over there is quite large, and men in almost every family will experience domestic violence. But there is little domestic violence outside, and some of them are unwilling to go back when they come into contact with outsiders. In the past, some people didn't get a marriage certificate when they got married. If I said I didn't want to marry you, I would just stop dating you, so there were many problems like this.

Another part is that when they returned to Guizhou, they had families in Guizhou; when they returned to Anhui, they had families in Anhui. But both sides don't know each other. If I wanted to go back to my home in Anhui, I would go out to work; if I wanted to go back to my home in Guizhou, I would go back to my parents’ home. They won't let people on both sides meet.

There are many such people in a village, including my mother’s best friend, and the wife of my uncle’s brother in Anhui...

This was also a social phenomenon at that time, otherwise my mother would not have reached this point, and so did she Someone was taking her.

I think their fate is the same in the beginning.

It's just that their trajectories are not as rich as my mother's. Neither did they abandon any of the children.

So, I think my mother is a hateful, pitiful, and pathetic person.

I don’t know what she is pursuing in this life.

-Cover illustration Cedric