Native family is a topic worth talking about, although there is a saying now not to overemphasize the influence of the native family. However, the family of origin does have a profound and long-term impact on a person's growth, especially later personality development, attachment patterns, emotional cognition and other aspects.
If you think about it carefully, many of our problems can be traced back to the influence of our original family. seems to understand nothing when we are young, but in fact, it has been deeply embedded in the deepest part of our hearts.
Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler said: "Fortunate people are healed by childhood throughout their lives, and unfortunate people are healed by childhood throughout their lives."
It can be seen how much influence the original family has on people. It is reflected in all aspects, ranging from eating and clothing to outlook on life, world view, and values. Especially after adulthood, the impact on mate selection, love, and marriage is particularly obvious and prominent.
A good relationship requires mutual management, but it is also inseparable from the shadow of the original family.
Consciousness level performance
Children need to identify with their parents, because parents are the ones who have the longest contact with their children and are also the first people their children come into contact with. Children need the protection of their parents to survive.
Therefore, children tend to identify with what their parents do, even if their parents' actions cause harm to the children. In most cases, children will only look for reasons from themselves, thinking that they did not do well, so they suffered unfair treatment, or even rough treatment. But even if this is done, it does not mean that the child has no emotions after he is treated roughly.
He still has emotions, and his emotions are even full of hostility. Even from an emotional level, he will be more emotionally repulsive to the parent who acts violently on him, such as his father (usually the father is more violent), and it can even be said that he dislikes him. This is the emotional level and the conscious level. But this kind of disgust and rejection will make him feel deep self-blame and uneasiness: after all, this is the person who gave birth to me and raised me, but I hate him, and I can't explain it no matter what.
It is in this entangled situation that we derive another way to identify with our parents in disguise, even if their actions cause harm to us.
The most important thing to mention is divorced families and single-parent families (hereinafter referred to as special families). Usually, children born in this kind of family environment always have a desire to protect themselves because of the lack of partial care, which fills their hearts all the time. Most of this type of people are selfish. In fact, everyone is selfish. As the saying goes, if people don't do it for themselves, they will be punished by heaven and earth. But compared to special families, the selfishness of ordinary people varies from low to high depending on the person. The selfishness of children from special families ranges from medium to high. Therefore, when it comes to falling in love with a special family, the influencing factors are mainly the following aspects:
1. In terms of mentality, because special families are born with a lack of love, they are more inclined to ask for love and want the care of others. In the process, they may hurt many people intentionally or unintentionally.
2. In terms of behavior, most people will develop some extreme behaviors due to this special family environment when they grow up, and they are more inclined to violence. Therefore, in the process of love, special attention should be paid to minimizing stimulation or diverting attention. Whether this extreme behavior can be large or small varies from person to person.
3. In terms of thinking, because of this specific family environment, this type of person will be more inclined to feel that the whole world owes him a love, so his thinking will be very fragile and sensitive, and some normal little things that are not noticed can be irritating.
4. In terms of personality, these people tend to be more introverted. Because I am more afraid of getting hurt than ordinary people, I often act very positive and sunny to the outside world, but in reality it is always a sign of weakness and lack of cultivation on the inside. Use the sun to cover up your scars.
Many parents are accustomed to using violence to solve problems. "Just give the child a beating if he disobeys" is their mantra. On the surface, this kind of education seems to be effective. The children are indeed obedient, but this kind of obedience is only maintained on the surface and is maintained under the violent and high pressure of the parents. A family where domestic violence is rampant will only make the children feel painful, gradually develop a rebellious mentality, and have a poor relationship with their families; on the other hand, if parents often beat their children, it will also cause the children's self-esteem to be injured, making it difficult for them to become a confident person.
The initial stage of love will not have much impact. This is a two-way romantic journey, even like a scene in a TV series. The more disparate the family backgrounds, the greater the attraction between the two parties to each other. But in the next stage, if the family gap between the two parties is large, the impact will definitely show up. The specific impact must be viewed and analyzed based on the characteristics of each family of origin, and cannot be generalized. The impact of
is nothing more than the three views at the macro level and the details at the micro level. Therefore, we must be cautious when establishing a romantic relationship, and we must be even more cautious when it comes to starting a family and entering into marriage. Because it involves the families of both parties, their futures, and even the next generation.
Mothers are very emotionally sensitive and always focus on their children.
There are many such mothers who focus too much on their children. Their lives may be very unfortunate, so they often say to their children, "I wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you." The children's hearts are filled with a lot of powerlessness and guilt. Children like
may also be very sensitive when they grow up and often lose their temper. Because their inner sense of powerlessness makes them often feel angry, making it difficult to control their temper. When they grow up, they will be very insecure in relationships and particularly long for love, but they will also push away their partners because of their uncontrollable temper, and their partners will always be stung by her emotions. Uncertain emotions coupled with the sense of security that needs to be filled by your partner will push your partner further and further away, and eventually they will part ways.
Many of the characteristics we display in relationships are actually influenced by our family of origin, and these influences will interfere with our behavior, make behaviors that damage relationships, and affect our happiness as adults.
However, when we talk about the original family, we are trying to find the reasons and solve the problems. The focus is to "solve the problem" rather than blaming all emotional problems on the family of origin and parents.
Falling in love is not a child's play, and marriage is not a shackles. This requires us to use wisdom to continuously learn and constantly improve ourselves. While winning happiness in our own life, we also win happiness for the relatives and even friends we meet in our lives.
Happiness is always close at hand, yet seems to be far away. Everything requires us to calm down and appreciate it. Go and listen.
There are many factors that affect falling in love. The normal native family environment has little impact on falling in love, the most important thing is the people.
The problems of the original family can be changed.
Don’t think that the problems of the original family cannot be changed. Of course, I am talking about those who are determined to change and take action. , except those who know there are problems but still think they are other people’s problems.
If you want to change, just follow the steps mentioned above: first think about what impact the attachment model of your original family had on you when you were growing up? How do they affect you? Connect these problems with the problems that arise in your real relationship . Just like a puzzle, when you put them together, you can find your own problems. Then, think about the way your parents got along, whether they were loving, loving and killing each other, ignoring each other, quarreling, conflicting, or separated... also made a link and thought about what impact it had on your relationship? Only by understanding the source of the problem can we break through it head-on, instead of falling into a deep sense of powerlessness that cannot be changed.
So, if your family of origin has had an impact on your relationship, you must learn to trace back to the origin, discover the essence, and make precise breakthroughs.
