In September 2020, Su Min felt that her depression was getting worse and worse. She was afraid that she would spend the rest of her life in the hospital, so she drove a car she bought with a loan and started a self-driving trip. That year, she was 56 years old.
In the past two years, Su Min has driven more than 80,000 kilometers by himself and traveled to more than 10 provinces in China. She was doing self-driving tours while doing self-media, and now she is an internet celebrity aunt with 2 million fans. Recently, news of Su Min's decision to divorce has frequently been on the hot search, and everyone applauded her decision.
Chinese people have always adhered to the principle of "persuading peace but not extorting divorce". Why did Su Min's divorce win the support of the entire network?
This is because Su Min’s marriage is too suffocating. She was suppressed by her husband for a long time, violent, violent, and violent, and even cut her into five pieces due to depression. After Su Min was 30 years old, the couple never lived together.
Such a loveless and sexually-free marriage has lasted for more than 30 years. Why is Su Min divorced now? What is even more puzzling is that even though Su Min later turned backwards and became one of millions of internet celebrities, she still refused to divorce. Why is this? Everything has to start from the beginning.
1. Her husband is indifferent to suppressing her, but she endures for 30 years: intimate relationship is a copy of the original family
Su Min is the eldest sister in the family, and there are three younger brothers below. Her mother prefers boys over girls, and she leaves everything delicious and fun to her brothers. When she was a child, her younger brothers were playing slides on the hillside. Although Su Min wanted to play, she could only resist indulging because her mission was to help her younger brothers clean their dirty pants.
When she became an adult, she entered the chemical factory to work, and her mother also had strict requirements on her. At that time, girls of the same age lived in the dormitory of the unit. After get off work, everyone could play together, but Su Min had to go home and even hand over the salary to her.
Su Min, when she was young,
Su Min worked in her younger brother's factory for two years. Because she was "helping", and the factory's operating conditions were not good, Su Min did not get a penny's salary.
Su Min also felt wronged, but as the only daughter in the family who was not valued, she had long been accustomed to tolerance, dedication and sacrifice.
23 years old, Su Min was eager to get married because in her opinion, marriage is equivalent to "independent living", and she can control her time and money. Not long after, Su Min met her current husband and got married after meeting him twice.
After marriage, Su Min moved into the dormitory of the unit as she wished and finally lived a free life. But this freedom lasted less than a year before she became pregnant. Afterwards, Su Min lived with her husband, but what awaited her was not a sweet married life, but a cold and depression that lasted for more than 30 years.
Su Min once suspected that he was not good enough, which led to the unfortunate marriage. She once asked her husband with tears in her eyes: "You don't like me, is it because I'm not good-looking?" Her husband did not answer positively, but said sarcastically: "How beautiful do you think you are?"
Later, Su Min thought again, is it because she hated her so much that she gave birth to a girl? But she still didn't get the answer.
Su Min's daughter recalled: "My father always accuses and picky about his mother. When he is in a bad mood, my mother is under pressure. In order to make my father feel better, my mother must do more work. Now think about it, this is simply PUA."
Su Min and her daughter
At the beginning, Su Min also tried to communicate, but her husband only knew how to pick and suppress.
Today, we should not put peppers in the dish. Tomorrow, the ground is not clean. Even Su Min kissed her grandson on the face and her husband would say, "Salm is poisonous."
If Su Min refutes a sentence or expresses her own opinion, her husband will ask back: "What do you think?" If Su Min continues to refute, what is waiting for her is ridicule, or even punches and kicks.
Over time, Su Min had a psychological shadow on the word "thought". Su Min's son-in-law once said: "This sentence is a weapon of my father-in-law and a whip."
In 2019, Su Min's daughter gave birth to twins. Although her daughter was taken care of by her parents-in-law, Su Min was still worried and ran to her daughter's house every few days.On that day, Su Min was about to go to her daughter's house again. Her husband asked impatiently, "What are you doing? Do you have any ideas?"
Hearing the word "idea" again, Su Min completely collapsed. She suddenly picked up the knife and dissolved two on her wrist. Seeing that her husband was indifferent, she dissolved three on her chest. Fortunately, the wound was not deep and she was not seriously injured after being sent to the hospital. After that, Su Min was diagnosed with moderate depression , and had to take medicine to fight depression every day.
In addition to picking and suppressing, my husband is also very stingy. A few years after getting married, the chemical factory where Su Min worked went bankrupt. She had been a full-time mother for several years, and the life of being upright was really hard to bear.
Every time I give my living expenses, my husband asks Su Min to provide the basis for every expense, otherwise he will " economic sanctions " by reducing living expenses.
Su Min felt very aggrieved, but she felt that her husband was like this because she didn't make money. She began to work hard to make money. In those years, Su Min swept across the streets, worked as a tailor, and worked as a waiter, just to prove that she has the ability to make money.
But even so, the situation did not improve at all. A few years later, the couple's life became "AA system". After her husband bought vegetables, Su Min cooked, and even the couple gave each of their daughter’s red envelopes for marriage. Once, Su Min's mother fell ill and used her husband's medical insurance card. The next day, her husband quickly changed his password.
Countless times, Su Min wants to get a divorce. But she was afraid! When her daughter was a child, she was afraid that divorce would make her daughter unable to raise her head; when her daughter grew up, she was afraid that single parents would make it difficult for her daughter to find a partner; after her daughter got married, she felt that her husband was sick all over and that her daughter could not take care of her alone.
On the surface, the reason why Su Min did not divorce was entirely because of her daughter. But looking back at her growth experience, you will find that the deepest reason why Su Min does not divorce is the influence of her original family.
Writer Wu Zhihong once said: "Intimate relationships will copy or inherit the relationship pattern in the original family."
Su Min lives in a family that favors boys over girls. She longs for care, but she is not valued since childhood and will not express her needs. Her growth is a process of being hurt by constant disappointment. People with this personality often have two completely different reactions after establishing intimate relationships.
First, it is very sensitive to attention and requires a lot of attention, and wins attention in various "work" ways; second, it is to repeat the relationship pattern in the original family. Although it desires care, it continues to not express its needs, and eventually gets hurt and even collapses due to repeated disappointments.
Su Min is obviously the latter. Her intimate relationship perfectly replicates the relationship pattern in the original family.
In the face of her husband's indifference and suppression, Su Min will only endure and sacrifice. She even looked for reasons in herself and tried to gain the love of her husband by changing herself.
Su Min longs for her husband's care and love, and envys others' harmonious marriage, but she never expressed her needs.
A happy childhood heals a lifetime, and an unfortunate childhood heals a lifetime. If Su Min had not left, perhaps she would have been trapped in this unfortunate marriage and could not extricate herself until she was completely overwhelmed.
2. After the age of 30, he no longer lives with his husband and has been abused many times, but he does not divorce: financial independence is the greatest confidence of a woman
Seeing this, I believe many people are already disappointed with Su Min's marriage, but this is not the whole picture.
Su Min's daughter once recalled in an interview: "When I was a child, I was most afraid of nights because my father would always beat my mother at night, sometimes once a few months, sometimes several times a month. Unless I heard my dad's snoring, I didn't dare to fall asleep at all."
Su Min was beaten in all kinds of strange reasons. Sometimes it is because I say something my husband doesn’t like, and sometimes it is because I make my husband lose face at the poker table. In short, it's all small things that are big, but my husband will fight against it. Facing her tall and weak husband, the thin Su Min had no chance to fight back.
The most serious time, my husband smashed Su Min’s back with a stool, and it hurt for many days. Over time, Su Min became frightened when she saw her husband's eyes wide because it meant that he was going to get angry again. As she grows older, her husband stops acting, and is replaced by endless quarrels.
Su Min When she was young
30 years old, after her daughter, who was in the third grade, went to live in school, Su Min almost never lived with her husband. Later, my daughter got married, and because the new house was still being renovated, her daughter and son-in-law moved into the house. Su Min had to live in the same room with her husband, but she bought a bunk bed and slept on top and under herself.
At night, the two of them played with their own phones. In order not to disturb each other, they both put on headphones. For a while, Su Min even wanted to buy a bed curtain to separate it, but she gave up because she was afraid that her son-in-law would find it strange.
Sexless and unloving, and violent marriages are unimaginable, how Su Min survived more than 30 years.
In October 2020, after Su Min became popular on the Internet, her marriage problems were also well known to the public. When the reporter asked her if she had considered a divorce, Su Min's answer was no.
In addition to the influence of the original family, the reason why Su Min does not divorce has a more realistic side - no economic foundation. Su Min had almost no savings or property in her life. The house belonged to her husband and the car she drove was her daughter's name.
The only deposit of 20,000 yuan was spent on 10,000 yuan to purchase self-driving equipment, and the other 10,000 yuan was the travel expenses for self-driving tours. But this money is obviously a drop in the bucket for self-driving tours. Sometimes because of the excessive oil costs, Su Min had to stay somewhere for more than ten days and waited until the pension was received next month before continuing to go on the road.
Su Min once talked about divorce frankly: "If you divorce, you have to rent a house by yourself. The monthly pension is only a little over 2,000 yuan. Where can I have money to rent a house besides eating?"
suhei once said, "A truly happy woman must have the following conditions: emotional stability, independent thinking ability, a fulfilling spiritual world, economic independence does not rely on others, and be aware of and appropriately manage her desires."
Among them, economic independence is the primary basis.
Thinking of Wen Zhang's cheating back then, Ma Yili is not cowardly: "Even if you no longer cherish me, I can still wear high heels, put on exquisite makeup, and go out and be noticed by thousands of people."
Ma Yili's confidence comes from her strong financial ability. But Su Min does not have such financial ability, so she can only waste her time in the grievances day after day.
Therefore, women must maintain financial independence at all times, otherwise they will lose the confidence to make choices.
3. One year, it counterattacked millions of internet celebrities, but still refused to divorce: in marriage, women's biggest need is emotional value
self-driving tour 1 year, Su Min had become an internet celebrity with millions of fans. The previous article mentioned that Su Min does not want to divorce is based on realistic considerations and feels that she cannot support herself after the divorce. At this time, she is already an internet celebrity and has the ability to support herself. Will her choice change?
In fact, when the reporter asked Su Min again if she had ever thought about divorce, she still said firmly: "No, I hope he can recognize his mistakes. I hope we can talk calmly. I hope the big family will live in harmony."
Want to know why Su Min chose this, we still have to return to her life.
Su Min has not asked a word about her husband in the past two years of her self-driving trip, and there is no need for the two not to contact each other directly. Even if there is something wrong, we will communicate in the family group.
Once, my husband sent a high-speed rail ticket back to my hometown in the group. Su Min pretended not to care on the surface, but still secretly sent a message to her daughter: "What are your dad going back to my hometown?"
When she felt lonely on the road, Su Min still remembered the only warm moment her husband gave her. At that time, Su Min had just given birth to a daughter, and because she couldn't eat much meat, Su Min suggested that she wanted to eat chicken. My husband made a slingshot, beat the chickens raised at home from the tree, and stewed the soup for Su Min.
I often say that maintaining a marriage depends on the exchange of value between husband and wife. For women, the most important thing in marriage is "emotional value", that is, they hope that their husbands can care and understand themselves.
Unfortunately, things went against my wishes. Su Min had never obtained "emotional value" from her husband.
Before the self-driving tour, Su Min placed all her emotional needs on the time travel novel. She fantasized about becoming the protagonist in the novel and finding a husband she liked and was good to herself.
self-driving tour in the past two years, Su Min has received the attention and support of many netizens, which has also satisfied her emotional gap to a certain extent. Su Min temporarily forgot her husband's lack of emotional value and hoped that her husband could change because of her departure.
In other words, later Su Min had an economic foundation, but was still unwilling to divorce because she was still looking forward to gaining emotional value from her husband.
This year Mid-Autumn is the first time Su Min has been driving home in two years. After deciding to go home, Su Min was very nervous. On the one hand, she was looking forward to seeing her husband's changes, but on the other hand, she was afraid that her husband would let her down.
Sure enough, after arriving at home, the husband not only did not say a word, but even sarcastically said: "Do you still know how to come back? (outside) can't make it?" In addition, the husband also asked Su Min for money because Su Min used her husband's ETC when driving. Su Min's heart completely broke down and she decided to divorce.
Su Min's decision to divorce has almost won the support of the entire network. The only objection is her mother. The mother said: "You are so old, why should you pay attention to him? Your husband has no other big problems except being stingy. "
The husband has not cheated, and he is no longer domestic violence now. Just because of a sarcastic word, Su Min is going to divorce. As for?
success and failure of Xiao He. Su Min always hoped to get emotional value from her husband, so she barely maintained her marriage; when she was extremely disappointed and understood that her husband could not provide emotional value to her, she decided to leave completely.
In fact, the contradictions in Su Min's marriage exist in most marriages. The "Statistical Bulletin of Social Service Development" shows that 77.51% of couples divorced due to emotional discord.
Because women are born with higher needs for emotions, they desire to be cared for and taken care of, and they also desire that their emotions can be responded to and comforted. This leads to women's high emotional expectations for men.
In real marriage, most men are emotionally "powerless in supply" because men always tend to be more realistic. In their eyes, most of these emotions of women are "moaning without any illness".
When facing women's emotions, men are either confused or jump directly to the rational level and give advice to women. Of course, there is also the worst one, which is to suppress, ridicule, and even use violence to solve women's "emotions" like Su Min's husband.
In summary, in most marriages, there are no absolute bad people, there are no absolute right or wrong in marriages. It’s just because of the different thinking patterns and needs for marriage between men and women.
And what we can do is to constantly understand the needs of our partner and provide these needs as much as we can. For men, you may not be able to do too many romantic things, but you can listen, understand, empathize with women as much as possible; for women, you should increase self-care, see the other person's limitations, and find the balance point of the relationship.
Finally, I will return to Su Min's marriage. A few days ago, she said on social media that her divorce would not go too smoothly, but she would still stick to the end and would have to divorce even if she appealed.
In fact, whether Su Min divorced or not, the ending of the story has long changed. Three years ago, she was still a depressed patient who had nothing and cut her 5-bit with a knife due to depression. Three years later, she was already a person with a career, RV , and had enough choices.
Through one storm after another, Su Min is no longer the grass that is delighted and bullied by others, but has grown into an independent and tough towering tree.
Perhaps this is the deepest meaning of Su Min escapes from her family and goes to drive by herself.
