Some people love pets or one thing in particular. For example, I love playing basketball or table tennis, and I love it to the point of madness. So, do you think this is considered love? I love a puppy, very much. That puppy understands me completely, communicates with me, and even licks me. Is this true love? No, this kind of love is called cathexis. When we focus our attention on this thing, you think the dog understands you, but in fact it is you who is projecting onto it, and you are guessing its thoughts.
So why is it different from true love? The relationship between people is different from the relationship between people and pets. First of all, our communication with pets is quite limited. We don’t know what they are thinking every day, but we wishfully project our own thoughts and feelings on them. In fact, this is just our subjective wish. Secondly, we like pets because they behave well and let us be manipulated. If the pet is disobedient, destroys furniture, urinates and defecates at will, or even bites us a few times, we may drive it out of the house. This is the most fundamental difference between us and pets and people, that is, you must respect him, treat him as an independent individual, and develop his own personality and mature mind.
There is also a cathexis called infant love. What is infant love? Many mothers especially like their infant children. It is fun to hold that baby, because this baby obeys orders and will not be disobedient. He obediently sleeps when he is told to sleep, and then gets up to hold and play with him. At most, he just cries and coaxes him, which is very cute. But when the child reached three or four years old, the mother began to get annoyed. We have seen many cases where the mother was unwilling to take care of her child after the child was three or four years old, and quickly asked her grandparents to take it away because she felt it was difficult to take care of her child. On the other hand, she still has abundant maternal love. She goes to see other people's children and holds other people's babies. As long as there is a baby, she feels particularly fond of it and is particularly cute. This is not love, this is the pursuit of obedience.
So what we talked about above are typical things that we would mistake for love, but in fact they are not. What are the common characteristics of these things? That is, they all use love as a guise, just want to meet their own needs, but never take the other person's mental maturity seriously. This is the common characteristic of these things.
Some people even develop self-sacrificing love. She regards self-sacrifice as love. She thinks that as long as I can contribute and sacrifice, that will be fine. Where do these things come from? It also comes from childhood experience. In her childhood, if she had such a role model around her, she would always be flaunted by self-sacrifice. She always felt that I had sacrificed so much for others, so look at how good I am, then She will slowly and subconsciously accept the idea that "self-sacrifice is actually love." Then she slowly and continuously pampers her husband. No matter what wrong thing her husband does, no matter how serious it hurts her, as long as he is willing to beg for mercy, I will forgive him. This is a manifestation of masochism.
So what is true love. Love is a practical action and a real contribution. The feeling of love is inseparable from the concentration. The latter is pouring emotion and interest into the external object and treating it as a part of oneself. Although it is easy to confuse cathexis and true love, there is a significant difference.
First of all, the object of mental concentration is not necessarily a living thing, so it may not have spiritual feelings. For example, some people love money, some people love stocks, and some people love table tennis. These are all cathexis. Secondly, people who are absorbed in something may not necessarily pay attention to their mental maturity, such as those who do not care about the growth of their children and hold their children in the palm of their hands all day long and dote on them. Third, concentration may have nothing to do with wisdom and responsibility. Two people who met in a bar suddenly fell in love with each other, but without any planning. It has nothing to do with responsibility or follow-up.Fourth, the mental concentration may disappear at any time. Even if you are very happy tonight and break up tomorrow if you are not happy, this is not love.
What is true love? True love requires investment and dedication, all wisdom and strength. To make the object of love grow, you must put in enough effort, otherwise your desire for love will be in vain. Only true investment and dedication are the effective ways to realize love. True love is an independent choice. Regardless of whether the feeling of love exists or not, emotion and wisdom must be dedicated.
So when it comes to extramarital affairs, if I meet a girl, she is not my wife, but I like her, then I will say something like this to her: I really want to love you, but I won’t do this , because of my commitment to my wife and family. This is true love. When you have the strength and are willing to do something to bring continuous progress to the mental maturity of yourself and the other person, so that two people can continue to realize an intimate relationship, this process of hard work is called love. So it is right to say "love is a verb". Love is definitely not a feeling, it is just desire.
