As soon as you establish a romantic relationship, your lover will give you a mobile phone as a gift. Will you accept it? In fact, gifts are an important part of the formation and maintenance of social relations and are also a classic topic in the field of sociology and anthropolo

China Youth Daily·China Youth Network Intern Reporter Du Jiabing

Just as he established a romantic relationship, his lover will give you a mobile phone as a gift. Will you accept it?

Do you and your lover exchange gifts for every holiday and anniversary?

Will you feel lost when your lover prepares handmade gifts carefully but the lover responds mediocrely when he receives them?

Here every step of your choice may become sociological research evidence. In fact, gifts are an important part of the formation and maintenance of social relations, and are also a classic topic in the field of sociology and anthropology research. What kind of chemical reaction will occur when the noble theme of love collides with the economic logic of gifts?

In the past year, Liu Dawei's research team from Northwestern University interviewed dozens of college students who have been studying and graduating for less than a year to study gift exchange behaviors and their symbolic significance during different periods of love.

Liu Dawei believes that it is through uninterrupted gifts and acceptance that a romantic relationship can be produced. He proposed the concept of "managing love" - ​​although management is a rational calculation and love is an emotional impulse, putting together such a pair of tension just explains the production method of couple relationships in the era of consumerism.

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Gifts are "expressive" and "instrumental"

Xiao He just established a romantic relationship, and her boyfriend gave her a mobile phone. The two started dating and everything was still uncertain. She felt that the gift was too expensive, so she was unwilling to accept it. But my boyfriend's attitude was firm and he would throw away his phone if he said he would not accept it. Xiao He accepted it anxiously, turned around and went to borrow money from his family, and transferred the money from his boyfriend to his phone.

This is one of the cases investigated by Liu Dawei’s team. Their research found that in the early stages of a relationship, although the passion for passion still dominated, the incomprehension in a brief period of time still brought uncertainty to the relationship. Because they are uncertain whether they can maintain their relationship for a long time, the recipient will have the orientation of avoiding "debt" - that is, giving a roughly equivalent gift, or directly rejecting the gift.

Anthropologist Yan Yunxiang divided gifts into two types: "instrumental" and "expressive". Instrumental gifts focus on the value of gifts as objects, while expressive gifts follow emotional norms and emphasize the symbolic meaning behind the gifts. Perhaps in Xiao He's boyfriend's opinion, the expensive gift is not only a sincere show of love for starting a relationship seriously, but also creates an idealized impression and even reveals the financial ability of the giftee.

"If I buy gifts for my boyfriend I just got together, I will pay attention to the weight of the gifts. It cannot be too cheap and I hope it is more decent. If I have been talking for a long time and have a higher level of trust, it doesn't matter. Just like when I give gifts to my good friends, I don't care about the price. I think the trust between friends will be higher and more casual. Even if it is a small thing, they know my intention." The girl Rourou said.

Behind the dispute over gifts is the problem with the relationship

When the couple in the early stages of the relationship are still being cautious about the gift, the couple in the long-term relationship is already having a headache about not knowing what to give. In addition to the fixed time nodes for gift exchange - birthday, anniversary, and Valentine's Day, there are many more festivals that need to be given gifts, such as "5.20", Girls' Day, Boys' Day, Christmas , White Valentine's Day , etc. "There are dozens of festivals throughout the year, probably except for the Qingming Festival and Zhongyuan Festival, couples are here as Valentine's Day," said Liu Dawei.

Compared with the previous generations, Liu Dawei found that the intimate relationships of this generation of young people have stronger displayability - such as the show off and performative expressions of love presented by the "first cup of milk tea in autumn". "College students are unconsciously involved, and merchants are happy to see it. From the appearance of this meme in 2020, it continues to fall of 2021, indicating that consumerism and intimacy have completed another self-production."

At a specific gift exchange node, if one party forgets to give a gift, it is likely to suffer some emotional "sanctions" from the other party, such as expressing dissatisfaction through nagging, Cold War or quarrel. Even more serious, it will also lead to breakups.

In the "Douban Persuasion Group", a considerable number of emotional issues are about gifts. "Do you have to consider breaking up if you don't have gifts on Christmas?" "Why are you suggesting that you break up if you can't receive gifts during the holidays?" "If you don't have gifts on the Chinese Valentine's Day, you want to break up." Posts such as "No gifts on the Chinese Valentine's Day" often attract attention and discussion, and many couples have conflicts about this: one party believes that the gift represents the other party's feelings and the importance of feelings. If not, it means "no love"; the other party is tired of dealing with it, believing that gifts are not a necessary route to express love.

In Liu Dawei's view, behind the dispute over the gift is the problem with the relationship itself. When Ajing recalled his last relationship, he admitted that in the late stage of his relationship, "our relationship was quite unhealthy." At that time, she and her boyfriend were in a long-distance relationship, and she did not give her boyfriend a gift on the Chinese Valentine's Day. "I always feel that he doesn't love me, so I use this method to make him feel that he should love me - you should give me a gift, and I can't give it to you." Some girls also think that when they want gifts, "it's not that thing, but that kind of concern."

Most girls are delicate and sensitive. When the needs of emotions and companionship are not seen or satisfied, the more obvious emotional transmission medium of gifts becomes their "request", or more like a "prayer". Liu Dawei believes that whether from the perspective of dominance or emotionality, the gift itself is just a medium and a symbol of heart. "When a relationship needs to be confirmed by constantly asking for gifts, it must be fragile. The party who seeks it is obviously insecure and worried about gains and losses. From a sociological perspective, this relationship pattern is unhealthy and unstable."

Boys always bear more gift-giving expenses

Many studies have found that the probability and frequency of boys giving gifts are higher than that of girls.

Although Rourou actively pursues her boyfriend, the first gift exchange was still the boy who gave her a gift. In Akin's last relationship, she admitted that the gifts she gave to the other party were not of high value, such as socks, gummy to treat insomnia, couple sweatshirts, snacks, etc., and what she received was silver necklaces, lipsticks and brand-name shoes.

, Sichuan Academy of Social Sciences, Zhou Zhihao, who has investigated 182 students in love from five universities in Chengdu. In his master's thesis, he once again confirmed this asymmetric gift exchange relationship, that is, "men always bear more love gift-giving expenses than women."

He attributed this result to the gender performance in the exchange of love gifts: "Because the traditional gender role norms give men the role and obligation of 'supporting family', it makes it easier for men in romantic relationships to adhere to gender role norms by increasing the expenditure on love gifts; while under the gender division of labor model of 'men, outside and inside women', women try their best to avoid becoming a party with more economic contributions in romantic relationships, and show their 'passive and implicit' gender identity by controlling and reducing the expenditure on love gifts."

In Liu Dawei's view, the non-balanced gift flow is actually the presentation of the relationship between the two genders in romantic relationships. "Whether it is pursuing 'machoness' or the idea that girls should be favored is fundamentally an identity of unequal power relations between the two genders. The dominance of gifts always exists. Blindly accepting them will only put yourself in a dominant position and be at a disadvantage in a romantic relationship."

Of course, some love is not as hard and unfair as it sounds. Xiaofeng had a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend for a year and a half, and he gave more than twenty gifts unilaterally, and he still enjoyed it. He will give carefully selected gifts on time on New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, "May 20", Chinese Valentine's Day, Anniversary, Christmas, and birthdays. In addition to these, "I usually buy something good when I see it." When it's cold, I buy hats and gloves, and when it's hot, I buy short-sleeved shirts that I like. These are the ways he expresses his love to his girlfriend who is far away. Of course, my girlfriend will give it back. The emotions of the two people are maintained and heated up through gifts.

"No gift-free love" scene: Use the money together during date

Xiao Fang and her long-distance boyfriend are having a "No gift-free love".Because both of them are students and have no income, they agreed: don’t rack their brains to choose gifts for each other, but save the money and use it together when they meet and date.

"For us, whether there is a gift or not has much impact on our relationship. How to express good or bad relationships, how to express love, giving gifts is indeed one way, but it is definitely not the only way." Xiao Fang said that such a emotional state made her feel relaxed and not burdened.

Liu Dawei's team found through research that in long-term relationships, as the couple's relationship continues to be closer, in order to reduce the burden of giving gifts and returning gifts, couples will reduce their attention to specific gift exchanges and replace them with more practical behaviors.

Rourou is a girl who does not pay attention to gift exchange. She "will not place feelings on things." During her love experience, she has never received a birthday gift from her boyfriend. "This is a troublesome thing, and I don't care much. If you prepare for me, I will definitely be very happy. If I don't prepare, I won't feel very uncomfortable. Although I feel lost sometimes, my emotions will soon pass." She said.

Liu Dawei also mentioned a boy's case: he never gives gifts to his girlfriend, and the other party has no objection. This boy believes that the reason is that girls worship as the basis of love. Liu Dawei mentioned that there is a view in anthropology that "love is a biological bribery", that is, people themselves can be used as gifts, and marriage is the ultimate exchange of people as gifts. In this sense, this classmate’s girlfriend is interested in the unique charm that makes her admire.

There are as many ways to fall in love as there are couples. Whether it is giving gifts or not, the most important thing is the mutual communication between the two. When the consensus on getting along with each other is born, "he/her and I" becomes "us".

(As requested by the interviewee, Ajing, Rourou, Xiaofeng and Xiaofang are all pseudonyms)

Source: China Youth Daily Client