Author: Cheng Bi
Published by: Northern Literature and Art Publishing House
The journey without you is incomplete
People wander in memories and are also lost in it. ——Sanmao
The first day after Jose’s death, Sanmao returned to Labama Island from Taiwan to sweep Jose’s grave.
Before coming to Labama Island, Sanmao first went to Anduduer to visit Jose's parents. She slept in Jose's room when she was a child. Jose's parents had urged her to deal with the big house they shared as soon as possible. Every day, her parents-in-law would pull her to talk about this matter, and even summoned her son and daughter who were working in other provinces to go home for a family meeting, which made Sanmao feel extremely tired. She was reluctant to sell the house. Only at night, when she closed the door in Jose's room, would she feel a little more relaxed, and that was their time to be alone.
One night, in the middle of the night, she saw 7-year-old Jose in a daze holding a used exercise book in her hand and asking her parents for money to buy new ones. Her mother thought he used it too quickly and didn't give him money. He ran to her father's company to ask for money, but her father didn't give her money either. He had no choice but to find an old book and wanted to wipe off the handwriting on it and then use it again, but the red letters that the teacher corrected could not be erased, so he wiped them while crying in a low voice. This is a childhood story that Jose told her. When he grew up, he was always worried about it. When Jose was alive, he liked to talk to Sanmao about his childhood and military service. These two topics can’t be stopped every time they start. After Jose passed away, it happened to her, and the night before she went to see him, the scene appeared in her dream.
That night, Sanmao wet his pillowcase in his dream tears. She comforted him gently: "Jose, these things have passed. Don't think about them anymore. I will buy you various exercise books and put them on your grave to burn for you."
After a year, when she stepped on Rabama Island again, everything about Jose was pouring out. The corpse in a diving suit, the gloomy salmon, the dazzling white sunshine, the cicadas chirping, the quiet cemetery, the heavy hammer falling, the screaming, the blood and tears in my heart... These shots flashed through Sanmao's heart, and he didn't dare to think about it. Every step she takes on this island is as painful as walking on the tip of a knife. Everyone in the town knew that she was back to see Jose. When she was going to buy flowers, a car passing by her stopped. A person who didn't know in the car said to her, "Come on, I'll send you to see Jose."
She finished sweeping the grave on Rabama Island, stepped onto Gran Canaria again, and returned to her and Jose's home. The good times of the past surged out with pain. In that home like an art gallery, every piece of furniture and decorations was selected by her and Jose and placed them into the house bit by bit. There are too many traces of Jose in this house. Before she came, neighbors and friends had helped her clean up the weeds in the yard, and the vegetables she planted before leaving were growing well, shining with the green light of life in the sun. Seeing all this, she felt more or less comforted.
Here, she belongs to her own, and she can miss Jose unrestrainedly again. She said: "Many nights, many times when I dreamed of midnight, I hid in the darkness. Missing Jose almost became crazy, missing me, slowly gnawing on my body like a worm, until I became an empty hole. The night is so long, so dark, the rain outside the window is the tears in my heart, and there will never be a day of dripping."
But Sanmao is glad that she is the one who is living to endure pain, because the process is too long, the pain is slow and real, and every moment passes through the heart like a blade. She said, "Thank God, I am living today, and I am hurting. If Jose is asked to endure this minute and a minute of long nights, I will never accept it. Fortunately, it is not his turn. If he lives like me, then I will fight back with God and exchange him for it.”
Before coming to Spain, she told her parents that after scanning Jose’s grave, she lived there for three or five months before returning to Taiwan. However, when the atmosphere of Jose that she felt on Gran Canaria became stronger and stronger, she couldn’t bear to leave so soon. She said: “There is the ocean I love deeply, the wilderness, the strong wind, the Sahara is on the other side, Jose’s grave is on the neighboring island, the town is already familiar, the city is colorful, and the home is full of books and bonsai. Although it is a person, it is still my home. "
She was reluctant to sell this house after all. In those years, Gran Canaria was still her home. Whether she was traveling or working in Taiwan, she eventually returned to her home in Gran Canaria. She said: "In fact, before 1985, she would not leave the archipelago forever. It is easy to give up friends, but it is impossible to leave relatives. I asked to pick up bones five years later. At that time, my wish was done. I could get married anywhere, so I didn’t have to stay here. "
After Jose left, sleep has become a difficult problem in Sanmao's life. She wrote in an article:
often wakes up at night, not knowing where he is. When she thinks clearly that he is hiding in the dark, completely lonely, and Jose is dead. It is obvious that he buried him himself, but I am really dead. My heart jumps wildly, and it seems like I will die. I turn on the light and sit up to read a book, but I hear the sound of the sea tide and the night. In this way, I have insomnia until dawn cannot sleep anymore.
Sanmao told herself that this kind of life must be able to survive, but it is a little slower. In some cases, I can't sleep On nights, she would get up, sit up and read books, or clean every corner of the house. Sometimes, she would dump the car she bought with Jose out of the garage, drive the highway all night at night, and go home to sleep when it is dawn. Every time she wipes and caresses the furniture and decorations at home, she feels that Jose is still there, and she is still surrounded by Jose's love. But she also knows that Jose is dead, dead in the sea of his favorite. She said, "Whenever night falls, I pull up the curtains and lock myself in the house. It is safe to go out and see the stars in the sky all over the night, because I know that I can't find the name I call in my heart in any sign. ”
She also knew: “It is impossible to pay it back in one go, it is forced to pay in installments. Even if people have the capital, there is no way to quickly check out the bill in this matter. "
If a person is stupid, his perception of pain will not be so clear, and he may not even be able to feel the long-term pain. But for the sensitive Sanmao, she knew that she could not escape, and she could clearly predict that the pain in the future would be long. She said: "Happiness is so strange and far away, happiness is a forbidden place, after life and death, the key to go in can't be found. "
1981, the Central and South America trip funded by the United Nations should be Sanmao's longest and loneliest trip after Jose's death, and it was also an escape trip. This trip started in November 1981, and went from Mexico, Honduras, Costa Rica to Panama, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, and went from north to south, until the spring of the following year. After that trip to South America, Sanmao wrote a book called "Walking Through Thousands of Water and Mountains". I think during the trip that lasted for several months, her heart was anxious, and she could hardly feel her heart's happiness in the words, and there were too many sighs in it. A person's mood always affects the mood of the trip, When you are in high spirits, you will feel that the scenery is beautiful and the residents are cute. When you are in low spirits, you will be picky about everything and everywhere in this place. But even so, it is better than facing endless sadness alone every day. When you have something to do, life will always pass faster.
Read the books she wrote before, the stories that happened on the Sahara and Gran Canaria, you can feel a sense of happiness and freedom from the bottom of your heart between the lines. Because she was accompanied by Jose at that time, she was accompanied by Jose, and she was full of emotions and her heart was full of strength. Even though they were not accompanied by him every day, the safety net woven by Jose has always covered her. She knew that he was surrounded by her with her.When reading "Walking Through Thousands of Water and Mountains", I always feel a "absent-minded" emotion mixed in the book, as well as the heat, heavy rain, lack of oxygen, the chaos woven by mysteries in South America, and the oppression of being robbed at any time in some backward countries. Whether she is inside or in the environment, she is in a state of anxiety.
This time, she brought an assistant to Misha. Mixia is a city youth from the United States. She doesn’t have enough experience in traveling alone and living alone. She said she was her assistant, but she received a lot of care along the way.
Along the way, she was not easy. Altitude sickness and long-term bumpy mountain roads often left her body in a state of overdrawing and painful condition. During the last journey, she was in motion sickness for 60 hours and was extremely weak. She could not even take a short-distance small plane and could only lie on the bed in the small hotel. This journey was completed by Mixia for her. These physical pains are second. Sanmao pays attention to his spiritual feelings the most, but he has been disappointed with the favors there along the way. During this trip, she met some not-so-kind people - in a youth hostel in Peru, American gangsters full of swearing; in the ancient city of Machu Picchu, she met a tour guide who refused to continue to explain because she stood beside her; in Colombia, she met a local vendor who refused to admit her death after receiving the money. Another time, her life was almost delivered to this land.
It was in Peru, Sanmao and Misha took a train from Gus to the famous ancient city of Machu Picchu. On the way back to the city, heavy rain suddenly fell and floods broke out. The railway was almost washed away by water. It was impossible to move forward or retreat, and it could only stop in the rising flood. The whole train was trapped, and life was at stake. People came out of the carriage and stood in the water waiting for rescue. The local government was too slow to react. Only a few minibuses from the travel agency staggered to pick up the trapped people a few times. After each car stopped, only a few people got on and hurriedly closed the door and drove away. The people picked up were less than one-tenth of the entire car.
At the beginning, when the train was forced to stop by the flood, people who had not yet felt the danger got off the train to take pictures, or bought food at the snack hall along the way. Only Sanmao ran to ask the train conductor if something was wrong. In those years, Sanmao has been walking more and more, and has had a lot of travel experience. She has lived in a harsh desert, is sensitive to abnormal climate, and has a mysterious premonition that she herself cannot explain. Sure enough, the conductor told her that they were going to face a disaster. When Sanmao asked what to do, the train conductor also replied blankly, "I don't know" because he had never encountered such a situation before. In this case, only cars can pick up trapped people. The first time, when a truck came to pick up people, people were not in a hurry. Only a few people got on the bus. When Sanmao asked Mixia and her to give up the train and get on the truck and leave, Mixia rejected her on the grounds that "I have never taken a truck in my life." After Sanmao persuaded him, the door closed and drove away.
Later, when people saw the water level rise rapidly, they began to feel the danger and became scared. When a car came to pick up people, the scene became difficult to control. Sanmao and Mixia squeezed several times but failed. Once, she succeeded. Not only did she squeeze into the car by herself, she also invited Misha to get on the car with the local girl she met on the train, but in the end they got off the car again and gave the last few seats to a family with children. When the last minibus arrived, Sanmao finally squeezed into the car and pulled Misha, who was stuck on the door. However, there were just over a dozen people in the car, and the driver and the tour guide wanted to close the door and leave. Sanmao pressed against the door tightly and called on the people and the elderly who were standing in the flood to continue getting on the car. This annoyed the driver and the tour guide who accompanied the car, because Sanmao just now held the tour guide's collar and coerced him to prevent him from closing the door, which bought more time for everyone. In the end, there were people sitting in each seat, but there were still many people standing in the water without getting on the bus. Sanmao felt that there were still a few more people standing in the car, but he still stood at the door to prevent the door from closing. The tour guide pushed Sanmao down the car angrily. Thanks to the person under the car pressing her tightly against her, she did not fall down. A bearded man in the car pulled Sanmao up, which was hanging outside the car door.After some trouble, Sanmao also gave up struggling and closed the car door. The panic that lasted for several hours finally calmed down.
In the dark, the man who saved her into the car asked her, "How can Spanish be spoken so well?"
She replied, "My husband is Spanish." Then she stopped talking. The minibus drove them back to the city in silence until midnight.
At that time, Sanmao must have wanted Jose to accompany her. If he was with Jose, the power of the two people was always stronger. For some temporary decisions, there was no need to bother explaining them, and the other party could understand them. Even in danger, both of them know that the other party will support themselves desperately, and even if they take risks, they will be full of fun. At that time, although she had an assistant Mixia around her, she always had to take care of him in reverse. That night, the weather was hot and I was irritable, but she couldn't cry. She was not allowed to cry in such an occasion.
"My husband is Spanish." When she said this, she used the present tense instead of the past tense, as if her husband had not passed away, but had not traveled with her because of something else. After working hard, she wanted to tell herself in her heart that I was still loved and loved by her husband. In that difficult environment, she told herself these things, like telling herself that there was someone supporting her, she was not alone. Love supports her beliefs. She doesn't want to be sympathized with. Her weak heart depends on a lie to support herself, so that she will not shed tears in front of strangers.
So, in the darkness, she stopped the fragility that was about to surge in her heart, and after arriving in Gusgo safely, she dragged her tired body to the police station to call the police, asking them to send more cars to pick up the trapped people. Eventually, the stranded tourists were carried back to Gusgo by the police. A few days later, I found out after reading the news that 600 people were missing in the country due to the heavy rain, and the officials found only 35 bodies.
There was only one trip to South America. I felt Sanmao's anxious and impatient heart calmed down. It was in the Indian village of Ecuador, although it was only a few short days. It was a place that was not marked on the map. Without plans, she insisted on letting the driver follow her command and turned into a small path, and she felt that there would be a lake there. Her friend who lives in Ecuador told her that she never knew there was a lake there. But when the driver followed her command and drove into the road, he found a lake at the end of the road and found the Indians living around the lake. She asked her assistant and her friends to stop following her and asked them to continue to follow the previous route. She wanted to live alone on the lakeside with her memories of her previous life for a few days. She said such words, which was the same as the result of saying that Sahara was the homesickness of her previous life a few years ago; the attitude of her assistant and her accompanying friends leaving was similar to the suspicion of her friends when she said she wanted to live in Sahara eight years ago. However, she had Jose all the way around at that time, and now she was alone because she knew that she would never meet someone like Jose, "You wave to me, I'll go with you."
Even so, those days were still the happiest days on her trip to South America, because there was a rare sense of home that she had developed after many years without Jose. The first time she saw the Indians living there, she felt familiar with them, and felt that they were like her tribe members. They trusted her, let her live with them, eat together, do odd jobs together, show her the ancient jewelry they wore, and braided Indians for her, treating her like a tribe. A few days later, she had to leave and return to her secular life. The nostalgia when I left was like saying goodbye to myself who was staying in a certain time and space, and like an alien who had feelings for humans. Although he was hard to give up, he had to leave his territory that did not belong to him.
In this quiet mood, I smelled that quiet suicide aura for the first time. She did this and was like saying goodbye to herself. At that time, she was no longer able to leave everything in the world behind as many years ago. After Jose died, she was no longer as willful as before.We often feel that Sanmao is already living a paradise life, but after she experienced some hardships and saw the prosperity of the Indians living by the lake, she truly envied.
Sanmao loves freedom and optimism because she is surrounded by Jose's love. In fact, her fragility always exists, just like a reef flooded by a tide. After Jose died, the tide dried up and the reef was exposed.
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