This is a shared article by Youth Business School WeChat (ID: youthMBA). The article is excerpted from Taiwan's "Parent-Child World" magazine, and the author is Zhang Yongwen, and we have contacted him for authorization.
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One-year-old Nini likes to sweep all the things on the table to the ground. My father's kind words were ineffective. Once she got angry and beat her up, she burst into tears and was still happy about it the next day.
Two-year-old Xiaomi wants to drink a drink. When his mother takes orange juice, he cried and made a fuss. The drink he mentioned was lotus, not orange juice. My mother finally figured it out and gave him Duoduo, but he was so angry that he knocked over because the cup was wrong! Mom is exhausted in these wars every day.
Several times, my grandmother took her three-year-old Ruru to the supermarket to buy things happily. When she arrived at the door, she suddenly got angry. She neither entered the store nor went home, and wanted nothing. She let her grandma say all the good things, and the ending was always full of tears.
The "terrifying two-year-old" and three-year-old children in the West, both cats and dogs, are disliked by "famous quotes" that are circulated in families with children. Just a few words really comforted the parents, because that means that perhaps the parents of two or three-year-old children in the world are deeply confused and distressed by the incarnation of the "angel and demon" in their home!
This little man often makes you angry the previous second and it is almost exploded. In a blink of an eye, but because of his smile, he ran towards the hug you gave him, completely melted and surrendered. I don’t understand why this crying, laughing, and making a big fuss, is so troublesome and difficult to understand, but so cute.
Developmental psychology calls children aged one to three "toddlers". In just two years, children have learned to walk, speak, and distinguish between people's likes and dislikes, and have tried many first experiences in life: jealousy, anger... Some people call the toddler period the "first rebellious period in life" and is often compared with teenagers; the toddler period is the transition period when infants turn into children, just as children must go through teenagers when they turn into adults.
There is no more time in life. In such a short time, the body and mind are facing sudden changes. The "growth pressure" faced by children is actually no less than the pressure of adult life. This is indeed an amazing stage.
The reason why toddlers are "difficult" is because their body and mind are facing important developments that their parents may not know.
Important development 1: Feel and learn to deal with more emotions
Research has found that toddlers aged one and a half to two will start trying to control the people or things that bother them. They will also use strategies such as talking to their companions or playing with toys to meet the setbacks of waiting for snacks or gifts.
In the heart of a little man, there are several emotions that are causing trouble every day: fear, shyness, jealousy, etc. Many emotions are the first time a child has experienced. He must face and deal with these emotions, which is a major issue in his life.
According to John Rosemond in the book "Two-Year-Old Boss", two-year-old children always develop faster intelligence than physical fitness, so children may already know how to solve things, but they cannot put them into action. Feng Qiaolan, CEO of the Human Being Foundation, also explained that a two-year-old child already has many ideas, but his language skills are not mature enough to express his ideas smoothly. These will make them frustrated and angry.
What can parents do?
Parents may be troubled by their children's "hard to deal with", but in fact, it is not easy for children to live. He was by no means "deliberately" against him, but was in a state of unstable state of sudden physical and mental change; at his worst, it was the moment when he needed his parents' help the most. Parents can help him in the following ways.
1. Express his emotions: Lin Peirong, associate professor of the Department of Preschool Education at Taipei Municipal University of Education, believes that children are difficult to express their thoughts clearly because they are young. It may be just because he saw the balloon in his oncoming brother's hand that was beautiful on the way, and he wanted it, but if he didn't know what to say, his parents couldn't figure it out, and the child got angry.When encountering these unknown emotions, don’t ask the reason first, because it’s difficult for the child to explain clearly, but accept him: “You are in a bad mood!”
2. Teach him a better way of expressing emotions: When a child has emotions, don’t suppress him and encourage him to express frustration and anger in words. If his language skills are not yet proficient, try to help him speak, help him reorganize the sentences, or reiterate his mood in a complete sentence: "There is no way to complete the puzzle, which makes you angry, right?" Faced with a toddler who is losing his temper, talking to him calmly but firmly can help him relieve his anger. The way you treat him is that he learns how to deal with the object of his emotions.
3. Suggest him another solution: toddler actually has the initial ability to detect emotions. When there is a frustrating stimulation, he will try to divert his attention or try to control it. Guide him to express his feelings and divert his attention to a more comfortable mood, such as: "Mom is not here now, but when she comes back, we can read story books together."
Important development 2: An explorer who pursues independence
psychologist Ericson believes that one to three years old is the key to the development of personality into "lively automatic" or "shamed and suspicious". At this stage, children must learn to "self-reliance" - eating, dressing, urinating and defecating. If you cannot be independent, your child may turn into shame and doubt his or her own abilities.
suddenly learns to walk and speak, making children's exploration boundaries wider. In order to pursue independence, he may have some dangerous actions: insisting on crossing the street by himself, drinking hot soup by himself, cutting paper with scissors, etc.
Children want to know what this thing is? What can be used for? Can it be broken? I figured things out through contact and was a little explorer who couldn't stop. These adventures helped him establish his own ability, distinguish himself, and understand his own status.
What can parents do?
Persist in doing everything by yourself is a declaration of the child's personality development. Through this process, he becomes a person with his own thoughts.
During this period, as long as the child has the desire to explore spontaneously, it means that his psychological maturity is a certain degree of mental maturity. If the attempt will not cause harm to himself or others, allow the child to explore as much as possible.
1. To explore the environment without barriers: will clearly take stock of dangerous items at home, such as detergents, medicines, knives, etc., or precious items, such as crystals, precious ceramics, etc., and be placed in a high place that the child cannot get or put in a cabinet with safety tie. At the same time, take down the things that the child can explore, touch and experiment and put them where he can get them. Leave a "baby's cabinet" at a height of access to him, and hold his toys and items so that he can rummage through the cabinets as much as possible.
Losmen reminds in the book "Two-Year-Old Boss" that children will have the ability to distinguish right from wrong at the age of about two and a half. At this time, parents can slowly return some items to their children and introduce them to them, let them touch and smell them, fully satisfy their curiosity, and then put them back in place. And teach children to distinguish which toys can be played with and which ones cannot be taken randomly.
2. Teach children how to explore safely: Children at this time are willing to learn, especially everything related to life.
When a child wants to eat by himself, prepare bowls and spoons that are easy to hold and not easily broken for him to practice, and endure the situation where the child practices food, mouth and hands full of greasy food when he eats. When a child wants to play in the water, instead of forbidding it, it is better to open a small space to let him know where to play and how to play. When the child wants to help with housework, he will use a knife of suitable size and safe size to ask him to cut the bananas and distribute his own bowl for him to wash.
3. Guide him to achieve his goal: good guidance of requires clear steps. If parents want their children to wash their hands when they enter the house, they must take them with them and explain them step by step. "Pull up the sleeves, turn on the faucet, wet your hands, press the bubbles once, rub the palms and backs of your hands, clean the bubbles, and dry your hands. "More importantly, treat any guidance and life education as a game, take your children and enjoy it.
Important development 3: Becoming more dependent
This period will also develop another extreme: more dependent. Children who are bold in infancy may suddenly become clingy, timid, afraid of strangers, afraid of separation, afraid of darkness or thunder.
Because exploration lets him know that the world is more complicated than he imagined, he does not understand the limits of his ability, and may even feel unsafe and rely more on his caregivers. This is the process of learning independence.
Another possibility is that his imagination (abstract thinking) begins to develop. So the rustling sound of the newspaper will make him feel that the newspaper has become a living thing or may do something terrible.
What can parents do?
For children's dependence, Losmen suggests:
1. Allow children to stick to you: In order to learn independence, children must first accept and deal with their insecurity. It is best for parents to be comforted. Enough sense of security gives him confidence to explore the world. If you let him stick to you, he will not be so sticky in the future; if he needs him, he will not need someone to hold him so much in the end.
Lin Peirong reminds that sometimes the child’s “stickness” shows his insecurity, and he is worried that his parents will not come back as soon as they leave. The best way to soothe insecurity is to "build trust"; every time you want to leave, let the child know, tell him the time you will be back, and do what you say. After a few times, the child will know that everything you say is true and reduces insecurity.
2. Let the child believe that you have the ability to protect him: When a child is afraid, don’t ask him why, because he can’t explain clearly; but don’t underestimate his fear. First accept his mood: "I know you think black is scary." Or agree with his feeling: "I was afraid of black when I was a child!"
Then use your imagination to drive away the fear. Please imagine a superman named "Lulu". When he is afraid, he will call Lulu's name, and Lu will enter the room to drive away the monster.
3. Stable lifestyle: The book "Listen, Baby Speaks" points out that one of the first signs of a child's strong desire for independence is to abide by the rules. A two-year-old child will strictly abide by certain rules learned from observation: When should he do what? What should be placed where? The expected pace of life can bring a sense of security to children.
Important development 4: openly challenge parents and like to say "No!"
Toddlers like to say "No", because the child suddenly finds that this simple word can actually reject the instructions of adults. Li Shuru, a lecturer at Hongguang University of Science and Technology, explained that in the hearts of children, the adult world is actually absolutely authoritative. When he dares to challenge and try to collide with the formerly authoritative adult world, it is the declaration of "growth".
The child's resistance behavior (for example: keep throwing items on the table down, doing everything you tell him "no", shook his head and said "I don't want" when dressing or feeding him, etc.), are all testing limits (your patience limit, your rules limit, and his ability to influence or change the environment). Children are actively dealing with things according to their own limits to see what things will not be the same.
What can parents do?
Parents will be confused: How did that happy and lovely child become so difficult, stubborn and do whatever he wants? Faced with a toddler who openly challenged his parents' power, you can do this:
1. Appreciate his courage: Your child has "grown up" again, and he is very brave! If you find it really hard to "appreciate", you might as well adopt the advice from the book "The Magic of Education for Preschool Teachers": Before the end of every day, write down ten things that children do great today. This helps you look at your child’s actions more positively.
2. Deliberate surrender: The book "Listen, Baby is Talking" recommends that the best way to deal with toddler's annoying inappropriate requirements is to deliberately surrender so that he can find that the requirements are inappropriate. For example, he insists on wearing his favorite fur vest in summer, so he can wear it, so that he can experience the uncomfortable feeling and automatically take off the vest.
3. Distracting attention: is in an immediate dangerous situation, so it is not suitable for the child to make a decision. He should be picked up and restricted from his movements.The best way is to divert his attention from the things in front of him to new and interesting things.
4. Stick to the routine he should have: No matter how domineering and difficult you think he is, you must maintain the routine he should abide by. Any concessions would make him feel that it was easy to cross the line. If the rules have been made clear and the child is still unmoved, you might as well use Annette Kast-Zahn's suggestion in "Every child can learn the rules" and use the trick "Broken Record": repeat what the child should do several times and ignore his objections. Let him know that you understand and accept him, but only you are the one who controls the situation.
5. Good example: is gratifying that what appears together with "declare independence" is the increased use of "social reference"; when children decide how they will face new stimuli, they will first look at their parents' reactions. For example, when you encounter a big dog on the road, the child will first observe his father's face before deciding whether he should be afraid of the dog or go forward to touch the dog.
The child is against you everywhere on the surface, but in fact he imitates you every word and action. Facing the toddler who cry, laugh and has a big emotional ups and downs, "personal teaching" is better than more educational concepts.
Important development 5: Thinking that you are the center of the universe
Toddler thinks that what others think, see, and feel "should" be the same as him, and he cannot understand that everyone has different ideas. The example I often encounter is: when playing hide-and-seek, he buried his head in the quilt and exposed his entire butt, but he was happy to think that he was hiding well. Or give you your favorite SpongeBob, thinking that the whole world likes what he likes.
Because of this, when he can't do his own thing, he will scream, get angry, kick, bite, and hit people.
What can parents do?
At this time, parents had a "hard" task: to accept his feelings that he thought he was the center of the universe, and to let him know gently and firmly that he was not the center of the universe.
1. Establish a good relationship with your child: pay more attention when he is not making trouble. When he has dangerous moves, try to replace "No..." with "You can...". In addition, you also need to practice the skill of diverting attention. When a child starts to "Lu", he finds something that attracts him more. Try to keep the situation in your hands, which will also make your child feel safe.
2. Let your child join your work: Lin Peirong believes that there must be a period of time every day when "get together with your child wholeheartedly". During that time, let go of family affairs, turn off the phone, and accompany him seriously. If you have anything else to do outside of this time, let him know: "Mom is hungry and needs time to have a good meal." Or invite the child to join your work: "Mom needs to wash dishes now, can you help clean the table?"
3. Couples should pay more attention to each other: Children will think that they are the center of the world because in life, they are always the center of the family and the focus of everyone. Parents must pay less attention to their children, care more about each other, and be a good husband and wife first, and be a good parent. Try to assign a child a exclusive family matter and let him make some contribution to the family.
Replace "patience" with "consideration"
Does it require patience to be a parent? This is for sure. If you can understand your child’s development and traits, you will not expect two-year-olds to share and three-year-olds to control their temper. Reducing unrealistic expectations can lead to life with fewer setbacks.
A higher level is that parents can really understand the differences between their children and replace patience with consideration.
PhD in Developmental Psychology Zhou Yuru reminded that human development is not a "continuous development" like a pig that turns into a big pig and a calf that turns into a big cow; it is more like a "stage development" like a caterpillar that turns into a butterfly, and tadpoles turn into a frog. The caterpillar's appearance, food, lifestyle, and even the understanding of the world (if the caterpillar can express it), is so different from the butterflies. A child is not a "concrete and micro" adult, and growth is not a "quantity" but a "quality" change. This is an essential difference, not just a degree.
Lin Peirong gave an example. The pace of life of three-year-old children is completely different from that of adults. They are slow and pay attention to the process, but adults often ask their children in a hurry. Therefore, the most common thing parents say is to "faster", and the most common thing they do is to do the self-care ability that their children should learn. These "personal teachings" make children today generally feel bad, impatient, and unwilling to wait. To raise good children who are calm, have good emotions and know how to live, parents must let go first.
has no need to make you a sure parent. People around you always provide the rules of education with kindness - especially when the child is in the toddler's period of emotional change. Some people think that children should not let their children do whatever they want and should be disciplined; some people think that "the children know what they know, and teach them later" is the right way; some people say "just be the right one"; some people say that beating can cause serious psychological trauma.
Li Shuru believes that in the face of so many good-intentioned suggestions, the key is "what do you think is the most important thing."
The book "The Magic of Education for Preschool Teachers" recommends parents to spend a few minutes establishing a "education white paper" for themselves, thinking about "the expectations you have for your children" and "how will you describe yourself as a parent." The white paper does not require recognition from others, but it only allows you to have "own opinions" when raising children. The book emphasizes that the methods used by parents should not be too different from nature and values.
Even if you implement all parenting suggestions correctly, the child may still have problems. All toddler parents (or all parents) should be very flexible and humorous, and laugh it off.
Parents might as well clap their hands for the curious, willing to explore, persist in themselves, and bravely challenged toddler at home. He is experiencing the fastest and most chaotic growth in his life, but he is enjoying it. Also applaud yourself as a toddler's parents, because you are doing the most difficult work in the world, but you have not retreated at all, and think carefully about how to give your toddler more understanding and love.
(as of February 11, 2014)
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