text/Deng Guliang
The end of intimate relationship is not scary. What is scary is that we cannot do a good job in psychological reconstruction
01 What is the most scary thing after the intimate relationship is over?
Yesterday, I met my best friend whom I haven't seen for a long time. At first, I didn't recognize her because compared to when I was in college, she is really too haggard now.
At first I thought she was too tired from work, so she was in a bad state. Unexpectedly, after a deep conversation, I realized that she was getting haggard because of her ex-husband.
She divorced, and it was her ex-husband who proposed it. She made a fuss and cried, but in the end she couldn't resist him and had to compromise. Although she signed a divorce agreement and divided the property, she was unwilling to accept it.
After the divorce, she locked herself up, her circle of friends shrinks again and again, and she is extremely decadent.
Liang Jingru cried because of divorce at the new album sharing meeting
This reminds me of a while ago, when Liang Jingru cried because of divorce at the new album sharing meeting. Musician Xu Changde said:
At this time, sadness is not because of divorce, but because the habit still has a lingering smell and will soon be dissipated. Don’t worry, what is really sad is not letting go of yourself. After all, no one will do anything if anyone leaves, and it is impossible to get sick after a long time.
agrees deeply. The end of an intimate relationship is not terrible. What is terrible is that after happiness is broken, we are deeply immersed in our obsessions, indulge in the past, struggle back and forth, and struggle, and cannot do a good job of psychological reconstruction.
02 How important is psychological reconstruction after experiencing divorce trauma?
First of all, let’s talk about what psychological reconstruction is?
The famous psychological counseling expert Mr. Winnie said this in his book "Reconstruction of the Heart": reconstruction means that after crying in the middle of the night, he looked up and greeted the dawn.
For people who have experienced divorce trauma, psychological reconstruction is to abandon the negative emotions and cognitions caused by divorce, re-establish positive values, adjust the way they get along with themselves, and no longer get stuck in the quagmire. After the broadcast of
variety show "Handle Man Doing Housework ", Zhang Xinyi and Yuan Hong became models of love, and many netizens said they were matched. But some people don’t know that before marrying Yuan Hong, Zhang Xinyi, who was labeled as “divorce”, once felt that she was not worthy of Yuan Hong.
She expressed her inferiority complex on the show more than once: married Yuan Hong, and he was wronged.
Divorceived Zhang Xinyi feels that she is no longer precious
Why did Zhang Xinyi have such an idea?
The experience of divorced twice made her feel inferior and thought she was no longer precious, so when she first faced this relationship, she chose to escape.
"My first reaction to Yuan Hong's pursuit and confession was to escape and retreat. Because he was such a sunny and handsome big boy, and I was divorced, it was no longer precious."
Fortunately, Zhang Xinyi finally opened the shackles in her heart and accepted the new love calmly, which led to the enviable happiness that is now.
In "My First Half of Life", after Ma Yili and , played by Luo Zijun, , divorced, he also experienced a painful psychological reconstruction journey.
Faced with her husband's cruel abandonment, Luo Zijun had nowhere to go to her best friend Tang Jing. She was heartbroken and she was crying all day long, and she even committed suicide by drinking sleeping pills. She could not get out of the shadow of marriage failure for a long time.
After the divorce, Luo Zijun, who fought a comeback, with the help of He Han and Tang Jing, she gradually realized the reality, embarked on the road of a strong woman, and fought a beautiful comeback.
Just imagine, if Luo Zijun had always been addicted to the grief of divorce, did not believe in love, no longer had hope for life, and lived a daze, would she still have the bright life and successful career that she would have been like in the future?
obviously won't, this is the charm of psychological reconstruction.
is like a beam of light that hits the heart through the darkness, gradually heals the torn wounds, allowing the injured people to regain their belief in believing in good faith, and thus become stronger.
03 Coping methods for 5 stages of psychological reconstruction
Divorcery is like a surgery. When we are trapped in it, we will feel despair, disappointment, hopelessness and helplessness. For future life, we need to spend time awakening the paralyzed, suppressed or unknown parts of our hearts, which is the journey of psychological reconstruction.
In the book "Becoming a Better Self after Breakup", Robert Alberty shows 19 psychological reconstruction modules that get out of divorce trauma in the form of a pyramid.
These 19 psychological modules can be divided into five stages. The first stage is composed of denial, fear, adaptation, loneliness, friendship, guilt and abandonment; the second stage is composed of sadness, anger, letting go, sense of self-worth, and transition; the third stage is straightforwardness, love, trust, and communication; the fourth stage is sexual desire, singleness and goals; the top level is freedom.
This process is like a mountain. Only by climbing these 5 mountain tops can one heal oneself and reach the highest level - freedom.
19 modules that need to be experienced in psychological reconstruction
It should be noted that the 19 modules of may exist at the same time or may appear single. As we climb along the way, we may encounter setbacks, move forward in a roundabout way, and occasionally deviate from the road.
Some people have already surrendered before the trauma has been completely healed, and they can only live the rest of their life with the divorce pain; some people have walked into remote paths, willing to sink, jumped down, and been decadent for a lifetime.
So, in this climbing process, how should we rebuild our psychology well and get out of the shadow of divorce?
1. The first stage: accept the status quo, face the fear, adapt to the present, enjoy loneliness, contact friends, and regulate emotions
After divorce, many people are very taboo to talk about marriage issues, and refuse to admit the facts of divorce in public places. Once others post some photos of happiness on their circle of friends, they feel that someone is mocking themselves.
They refused to admit their "divorced" status from the beginning, and even lived in the illusion of "happy marriage" for a long time after the divorce.
Stage of first stage coping
This is the first stage of psychological reconstruction. At this stage, we need to understand the principle of "Everything we can feel is that we can heal ourselves" , accept the facts of divorce, muster up the courage to face the fear brought by divorce, adapt to the identity and life of divorce, enjoy temporary loneliness, maintain active circle of friends, maintain good interpersonal relationships, and regulate the emotions of guilt (the person who dumped)/abandoned (the person who dumped).
When we realize that the corresponding module appears, we must deal with it in a targeted manner and fill in each pit to avoid detours and continue the path of psychological reconstruction.
2.Stage 2: Release sadness, drive away anger, learn to let go, enhance self-worth, and get rid of the influence of original family
After divorce, many people will choose to hide their sorrow, thinking that once they show pain, they will appear weak. But only if o completely releases sadness can you give yourself a sense of security.
After the intimate relationship ends, we often feel angry because of the other person. For example, seeing the other person is not as painful as imagined, and seeing the other person have a new life in a short period of time. When faced with these situations, some people will hide their anger, while others will express it violently. These two methods will only cause both sides to lose money.
Stage 2 Coping methods
How should we express our anger constructively? You can try to talk to your friends and do some exercises, such as jogging, swimming, or housework, such as cleaning the room, etc. You can also use screaming, writing letters to your ex to eliminate anger and forgive yourself.
When love ends, it is not easy to give up because we need to let go of too much. When we put down this module, the only thing we can do is invest emotionally to promote self-growth, and not invest in ending intimate relationships.
Some people will develop inferiority complex after divorce, think that they are useless and easily expand negative emotions in marriage to all aspects of life. At this time, we need to change the way we look at ourselves, show our own strengths to others, or seek psychological treatment to enhance our own concepts, thereby enhancing our sense of self-worth and gaining a high level of self-esteem.
Some people will have inferiority complex after divorce
Psychology believes that husband-wife relationship is a replica of parent-child relationship. In failed intimate relationships, there are more or less cases of childhood parent-child relationships. When women fight against their husbands, they may subconsciously hope to fight against their fathers. Men’s demands for their wives are more of a free spoiling like mothers.
If you want to do a good job of psychological reconstruction, you must carefully examine your own behavior, get rid of the influence of your original family, become a better self, and welcome a new relationship.
3. The third stage: take off the mask, love others, love yourself, rebuild trust, and grow relationships
In order to avoid being hurt, we always like to show the good side to others, hide the truth, and use the mask to protect ourselves. But everyone has a small self in their hearts. If you want to start a new relationship, you must put yourself in the sun.
Everyone has a small self in their heart
In marriage, the most critical word is love. The end of an intimate relationship is ultimately the wrong love, the lack of love for others, the lack of love for yourself.
Because most people only know how to express love and ignore the way their partners express love, so the balance of love sways back and forth, either loving yourself more or loving the other person too much, so there are many barriers between them and their feelings become increasingly weak.
Psychological reconstruction stage 3
In the third stage, rebuilding trust is a very critical module. Severe emotional damage can lead to our fear of trust. At this time, all we need to do is to keep taking risks and maintain the ability to trust even if we are hurt again. This is the only way to regain intimate relationships.
In this process, some climbers will walk with others. Robert Alberty calls this relationship a growth relationship. That is to say, the person we interact with has a promotion and positive effect on our growth, which can better enable us to rebuild our psychologically.
4. Stage 4: Reasonable handling of nature, enjoy singleness, and having clear goals
It is not difficult to climb to the fourth stage. At this time, we may encounter three modules: sex, singleness and goal. After the intimate relationship is over, some people will use new love to heal the pain. In this process, some people may escape sex, while some friends will use sex. At this stage, we must eliminate sympathy, utilization, and deception in sex and let ourselves return to normal state.
The fourth stage of psychological reconstruction
A person's life, we can do things that we are interested in, grow flowers, draw, drive, and do everything that can make us feel happy and enjoy. Singleness is one of the most effective modules for psychological reconstruction. In this module, we make our hearts stronger by dealing with external prejudice.
When all negative emotions are handled, we must start to customize some long-term plans, whether it is life or emotional, we must be clear and clear, so as to move towards a further future.
5. Stage 5: Free
Psychological reconstruction Five stages of psychological reconstruction Among the pyramid structure composed of 19 modules, the one at the top is Free.
The freedom here consists of two parts. One is inner freedom. Deep in my heart, I have accepted the divorce calmly and are not bound by the various emotions arising from this matter. The second is freedom in action, that is, you can accept new lovers, be willing to develop new feelings, and start a new life.
The last step in psychological reconstruction is freedom
Only when the heart and action are free means that we have reached the top, truly breaking out of the cocoon and becoming a butterfly, saying goodbye to past marriages, and welcoming a brand new self and a brand new future.
Conclusion
This path of psychological reconstruction is not easy to go, but after finishing it and experiencing transformation, I believe that we will know better how to manage the next intimate relationship and cherish the hard-won happiness.
I am @Deng Guliang, an old aunt born in the 1990s. Welcome everyone to follow me and I would like to share with you the ups and downs of growth, the joys and sorrows in my emotions.
