Interpersonal relationship master Dell Carnegie , talked about his bad things in "The Weakness of Human Nature".
He asked an interior designer to do fabric decoration for his home. The last checkout was far beyond the budget, which could be said to be ridiculously high.
He gritted his teeth and paid the money and was depressed for several days.
Not long after, a friend came to visit his house. After hearing the price of decoration, he exclaimed: "This is too expensive, you must have been cheated!" When
Carnegie heard it, he was furious and argued: "What do you know? There are expensive benefits."
That day, he and his friend were red-faced, and finally had to say goodbye angrily.
Another day, another friend came to visit. As soon as she entered the door, she exclaimed: "The house is so beautiful, and the money is not spent in vain."
Although he was affirmed this time, Carnegie was not very happy either.
He said frankly: "During the whole process, I was careless and almost couldn't afford the decoration fee in the end."
He admitted that he was cheated, but with the comfort of this friend, he accepted the matter and had a wonderful afternoon with his friend.
In the book, he borrowed the words of Franklin and sighed: "You can't directly refute others, nor can you make arbitrary assertions."
Being able to speak is instinct, being able to speak is a skill.
Especially in interpersonal communication, how to say things well is a compulsory course for everyone.
If you also want to learn the course of "speaking", you might as well take a look at Carnegie's "The Weakness of Human Nature".
has become a "social expert" based on understanding human nature.
Source: Panoramic Vision
Not to argue: There is no winner in the debate
Many years ago, Carnegie was invited by Sir Rose in the UK to attend a banquet.
During the meal, an elegant man quoted a famous quote from a famous book in order to show his talent.
When Carnegie heard this, she knew that this sentence did not come from that classic book, so she bluntly corrected him.
Unexpectedly, the man was so angry that he argued with Carnegie in public. The young and energetic Carnegie was not to be outdone and said firmly: "I swear, this sentence comes from " Hamlet ".
Finally, thanks to Sir Rose's mediation, the two ended the argument.
On the way home, Carnegie still said to his friend indignantly, "He can't fight me at all, he's just making a quibble."
's friend said, "It's your fault, why do you have to decide the winner? If you don't give others some face, it's not that you're embarrassed."
One sentence made Carnegie suddenly open, and he blamed himself: "Yes, I not only made the man lose face, but I haven't taken Sir Ross's feelings into consideration."
Since then, Carnegie has asked himself not to argue with others.
Because we can never change a person by arguing, everyone has their own deep-rooted views and principles.
People of different levels cannot be said together; people who are irrelevant have no need to distinguish between the superiority and inferiority.
What's more, when talking to people, you must also pay attention to the occasion.
is not suitable for showing your own opinions eloquently.
The famous opera singer Jane Pierce said at Golden Wedding :
"A long time ago, my wife and I set a rule - when one person gets angry, the other person must listen. If both of us are screaming, it is not called communication, it is noise. No matter how dissatisfied with each other, we have never violated this agreement."
In life, sometimes it is better to remain silent than argue endlessly.
Not to argue: Don't rush to say "You are wrong"
Carnegie said that when talking, we have a misunderstanding, we are always eager to make the other party say "yes" and not allow others to say "no".
It is precisely this kind of defense of "you are wrong and I am right" that makes your path narrower and narrower.
The wisest way is to recognize the other party first and then look for opportunities to express yourself.
Joseph is a sales representative of Westinghouse Electric Company and has won the largest customer in the jurisdiction for the company.
How did he do it?
The answer is very simple. When communicating with customers, no matter what the situation is, say "yes".
As an example.
Once, he received a complaint from a customer, and the other party said angrily: "Joseph, we will never purchase goods from your company again! Your motor is too hot, it is too hot!"
When Joseph heard this, he thought it could not be a problem with the motor, but he did not rush to defend himself. Instead, he said: "Yes, sir, I am on your side 100%. If the motor is really overheating, you don't have to buy any of them."
Hearing this sentence, the other party's attitude eased a lot. Joseph continued: "So sir, can I ask, in your opinion, does our motor meet industry standards?" The other party agreed.
Joseph asked again: "Then is the room temperature of your factory higher than 75 degrees Fahrenheit?"
The other party hurriedly said: "Yes, I ignore the room temperature of the factory. It's not the problem with your motor, but our room temperature is too high."
In the end, the customer not only did not cancel the cooperation, but also thanked Joseph for discovering the problems in his factory in time.
When most people hear customers’ doubts, they will say that they are fine at the first time, and that it must be someone else’s mistake.
, this way, will only make dissatisfied customers even more angry, and will not help solve the problem.
Psychologist Overstrey said: "No" is the most difficult obstacle to overcome. Once the other party is denied, self-esteem will force him to stick to his own opinions more.
So when we deny others, the other party will defend his views and fight against you under the guidance of dignity.
Based on this human weakness, Carnegie told everyone: the most important thing in a conversation with is to first throw out the other party's agreed views.
This is not a concession, but a conversation strategy that takes retreat to advance.
Source: Panoramic Vision
Don’t rush: If you are anxious, say
As the saying goes, a gentleman is careful in his words, and a noble man speaks slowly.
speaks quickly and can leave time for yourself, clarify the context of things, and organize good communication language.
In the book, Carnegie talks about a past event at Rockefeller Steel Factory.
That year, workers asked for a steel plant to raise their salary. A manager in charge of the salary was very anxious after hearing this, fearing that the workers would cause trouble. When
was in a meeting, he said unscrupulously: "It is impossible to raise your salary. If you make trouble again, just wait and eat your fists."
did not expect that this sentence aroused the anger of the group. The workers not only stopped production on strike, but also smashed factory equipment, causing trouble to the point where the government needed to intervene.
Seeing that both sides were at odds, Rockefeller said to the workers in a calm tone: "Give me two weeks, I will talk to you one by one to solve the problem together."
, this "slow-down plan", quickly calmed down the salary increase storm and also won Rockefeller a lot of followers. When you encounter problems with
, don’t rush to make a conclusion, let language become the fuse for causing trouble.
The more impatient you are in your heart, the more you have to say it slowly, otherwise, you will intensify conflicts and expand conflicts like the executives in the story.
Socrates has a famous "speaking three sieve" theory. Before opening
, use the following three sieves to filter your words:
The first sieve: Is this true?
The second sieve: Is this thing you are talking about in good faith?
The third sieve: Is this really important?
Socrates said: "If it doesn't matter, then don't say it casually."
In life, we often speak too quickly. After we finish speaking, we even regret it.
Therefore, it is not difficult to speak with your mouth, but it is not easy to be cautious in your words and actions.
Don't complain: Don't say anything about complaining
In the book, Carnegie also told an interview story.
Roy is an securities broker who wants to switch to a larger company to realize his ambitions.
He went to a company for an interview. When he heard that the company's supplementary benefits were not perfect, he changed his humble attitude and complained.
"A company as big as yours, it shows that there is no future if you don't pay full hospitalization insurance for employees.
"Our industry is too inhumane. When I went to a company, I used people as machines.
"I've really had enough, I really shouldn't have worked in this industry. "
The result can be imagined. After the interview failed, Roy returned to the original company and continued to live a life.
Carnegie said: "Complaints will cause us to fall into a negative life, making us habitually find shortcomings in others and ignore doing what is happening in front of us. "
Take Roy's example as an example. If you feel that the industry has no prospects, you can learn a new skill to change the industry; if you feel that the company is not good enough, you can improve your abilities and find a better company, instead of getting into complaining like you are now and keeping your feet on the move.
In life, we often complain. But complaining is the most useless thing in the world.
complaining too much, which damages people's ambitions, consumes people's energy, and lowers people's spirits.
There is a famous psychology "Fistinger " theory.
means: 10% of life consists of things that happen to you, while the other 90% is determined by how you react to what happens.
means that only 10% of things in life are something we cannot control, while the other 90% is in our own hands.
If we don't talk about complaining, our road will go further and further.
Source: Panoramic Vision
Don't speak easily when you are angry
Carnegie has a habit of going to the park to walk the dog every morning.
Once, the puppy broke free from the rope and ran away. He hurriedly chased behind, but accidentally met the patrolman Rex.
Rex is famous for being angry. When he saw Carnegie walking the dog without a leash, he scolded him and tied him to the police station.
Carnegie explained that this was just an accident, but it was still useless. So he got angry and wanted to scold him back.
But he immediately reminded himself that it would be better not to speak when he was angry.
So he stopped explaining, but listened to Rex's scolding with a smile.
Unexpectedly, Rex left after losing his temper and did not make things difficult for him.
Just imagine, if Carnegie and Rex fight head-on, the result will definitely be a loss, although he did not intentionally.
If you want to protect yourself, in addition to not being concerned about the angry person, you should also remind yourself not to speak when you are angry.
In this way, the anger that pounces on you is like a fist hitting the air, with no power.
Lin Yutang said: "When you are angry, it is better to say less than say more than if you say more. If someone doesn't say it, that's better. "
In life, we can always encounter annoying people and indignant things.
Once the emotions are out of control, it will only make ourselves lose our minds, and may also anger the other party, causing greater trouble.
does not speak angry words, it is not to surrender, nor does it mean to avoid problems, but to resist the temper with silence and overcome emotions with rationality.
does not speak when angry, it is the wisdom of interacting with others, and it is also the practice of restraining emotions.
Source: Panoramic Vision
Carnegie conducted a survey and the results showed that only 15% of the salary paid to employees was due to technical factors, while the other 85% were interpersonal communication skills.
He further explained: The essence of interpersonal communication lies in how to speak.
Someone asked on Zhihu: "What behaviors in life are manifestations of high emotional intelligence? "
The most liked message is: " There is a ruler in speaking and a moderate word. ”
All the experts in dealing with the world are actually wise men who can speak.
do not argue, do not be impatient or impatient, be well versed in the weaknesses of human nature, master communication skills, and live situations, and then they will be opened.
May we constrain our words and deeds, let words become bridges, and build a stable and good interpersonal relationship.
Author: Jin Shanyue.
