Bad children are not born. The formation of each bad child is a collision between the personality under the influence of the original family and the rules of the adult world.
-Tiger Mom
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Author | Source of Ingenuity of
|The original boy sent
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has won more than 70 awards such as CCTV-MTV Best Male Singer in Hong Kong and Taiwan. The hall of the palace is brilliant.
Behind his dazzling beauty, little is known that his music journey started in the juvenile management office.
When Xiao Jingteng was 15 years old, because he suspected that he had been beaten by him in the class, he told the teacher about him, so he asked a few buddies and laid ambush in the toilet.
was beaten to cerebral hemorrhage due to the heavy hand, and even faced his life at one time.
Xiao Jingteng was sent to the juvenile control office as the principal offender.
In fact, Xiao Jingteng has not been a worry-free child since he was a child:
fights and smokes when he was 9 years old, steals money earned from grandma’s hard work at the street stall, and even steals school stuff and sells it...
The counselor's words encouraged him: "You have such a strong fight, it is better to go drumming." The
counselor showed him his own light, and his life changed.
But that dark life is still deeply engraved in Xiao Jingteng's life. In an interview with
not long ago, Xiao Jingteng confessed that he did not want to have children. He said:
's own children will inherit the genes of their own bad guys. If they don’t repent and find the right direction in time, it will become a social problem. .
In his eyes, he is a hot-tempered person, he is worried that he will put expectations on the child, and his emotions will affect the growth of the child. Behind this seemingly puzzling choice,
has an inseparable relationship with his native family.
Xiao Jingteng's parents love their son deeply, but they use the wrong way of raising them to paint a strong color in their son's life, which can't be wiped off.
As the family therapy master Satya said:
"A person is inextricably linked with his native family, and this connection may affect his life."
The formation of a child’s personality is inseparable from the native family. The influence of
Xiao Jingteng was angry when he was a teenager. There is no reason for that anger. As long as he can't understand anyone, he will go up and beat him up.
And all this is closely related to his father.
Father Xiao is also a hot-tempered person, often quarreling with others, and when he is dissatisfied, he will spread grievances on his children.
"I will be beaten for five out of seven days. It's not an exaggeration." For Xiao Jingteng,
was beaten as commonplace. He could be beaten for anything, but he didn't understand what he had done wrong.
Xiao Jingteng liked to sneak to the temple fair to play lion drums when he was a child. As long as his father knew, he would involuntarily beat him because he thought the temple fair was bad.
Every parent loves their children, but some parents allow themselves to use emotions instead of education, and empathize with their children whether or not they are.
Xiao Jingteng's father is like this. As long as he thinks it is the child's fault, it is the child's fault. He never looks at the problem from the perspective of the child.
seems to be a discipline, but it brings wrongs and grievances to the children.
The child neither feels love nor education, but is drawn into the center of the storm, the sense of security is torn apart, the close connection with the parents is torn off, and the parents are moving away from the back of their parents' expectations.
So, under the influence of ears and eyes, Xiao Jingteng inherited his father's temper and way of life.
at home, he tried his best to suppress, and then doubly release everything outside. Z2z
educator Montessori said:
"Everything we do to children will bear fruit, not only affect his life, but also determine his life." The words and deeds of the parents of
are drawn in the heart of the child and become the child's life. The background color. In the
movie "Pushing Heart", Julie's parents almost never get angry and always patiently observe their daughter's emotions.
Even if it seems unreasonable to make trouble, even if children make mistakes for no reason, they will notBeat or scold or punish.
tells the child what to do again and again calmly, gently and firmly.
Bathed in the warm and warm emotions of her parents, Julie has also grown into a warm, generous, independent, confident, and honest girl.
In this world, no school, no one, has more influence on us than our parents.
Under the powerful force of moisturizing things, the children quietly live like their parents.
How do you define children
Children define themselves
Xiao Jingteng is often scolded by his father as "trash", but Xiao Jingteng is a stubborn person and he wants to prove himself.
advocates violence and makes him feel a touch of value. When
was 9 years old, he formed his own small group; a few buddies learn to play truant from school and mix in Internet cafes; if they are not pleasing to the eye, they will be beaten.
Children always grow up in the direction evaluated by their parents. Under the "guide" of their father, Xiao Jingteng was once really a waste.
And many years later, Xiao Jingteng did not get rid of his father's bad reviews.
is obviously kind, but believes that he is a bad person in his bones.
We often think that giving a child a bad review can make the child feel shame and brave. However,
didn't know that bad reviews made them like being nailed to a pillar of shame, either breaking free by unscrupulous means or accepting "fate".
knows that a netizen shared a friend’s story:
, although friends are not top-notch, they have been working hard.
Once accidentally, she heard her mother tell her neighbor that she was stupid.
At a young age, she remembered her mother's evaluation of herself.
Since then, whenever she encounters difficulties or fails to meet her expectations, she will fall into the icy ocean of "I'm so stupid".
slowly, "stupid" has become her cognition of herself, and also an excuse for her to avoid many problems. When
encounters a problem, she will immediately say: "I can't, I'm too stupid." After
grew up, she knew that she was not really "stupid", but the label of "stupid" was deeply rooted. Hard to tear off.
American psychologist Schwartz once said: If a kind of
thought enters the heart, it will grow entrenched. If
is a negative seed, it will give birth to negative fruit; if
is a positive seed, it will give birth to positive fruit.
Children who have been hit by their parents with wrong educational methods for a long time will only become more and more inferior.
Parents are obviously full of expectations for their children, but they personally push the children down the abyss.
The injury of the native family
is the pain of parent-child education
Xiao Jingteng actually likes children very much, but he would rather adopt children than refuse to have children.
He worries that the blood is thicker than water will bring emotional bondage; he is worried that his personality defects will bring regrets to his children.
, who grew up in parental violence, knew that gentleness is lacking; he was criticized by his parents, outside the music world, he was negative towards himself. The love that
was missing in childhood eventually became a black hole in Xiao Jingteng's heart. He worried that he would not be a qualified father.
psychologist Frank Kadler said:
"The most unfortunate fact in life is that most of the first major tribulations we encounter come from families, and this tribulation can be inherited."
movie "Spring In "The Tide", Ji Minglan has never received a sympathy from her mother. Thinking of that experience, she burst into tears.
When she had her own daughter Guo Jianbo, she began to blame all misfortunes and hardships on raising her daughter, and regarded her as a vent for resentment.
cares about Guo Jianbo more than anyone, but never makes her feel love.
Guo Wanting is Guo Jianbo's daughter, Guo Jianbo's favorite person, and her deepest emotional sustenance.
But how do people who have never felt love from their parents know how to love their children?
One day, Guo Jianbo brought his daughter to the unit's dormitory. In the dormitory, she tells stories, tells jokes to her daughter, and enjoys the time between mother and daughter.
At night, because she received a call from her lover, she turned off the lights and locked the door, leaving her sleeping daughter in the dormitory alone and left.
Thedaughter was terrified when she woke up, crying and clamoring to go back to her grandma's house. The mistakes of the original family of
are often passed on from generation to generation.
is like the analogy of the image in the book "Native Family":
"toxic" family is like a series of car accidents on the highway. The "poison" of
, like a "heirloom", has been passed down from generation to generation.
But the original family is never the predicament that restricts our lives. It is our knowledge of ourselves and the world.
Fu Lei's mother was very strict with Fu Lei. Fu Lei, who became the father of
, also unwittingly followed the mother's model.
He set strict rules for his son, and if he surpassed him, he would impose physical punishment.
It was not until later that Fu Lei realized that he was having problems getting along with his son after his son studied in Poland.
He wrote in a letter to his son: "Poor child, why is your childhood so similar to mine?"
Fu Lei began to reflect on his own way of education, determined to reconcile with his son, and then the letters from their father and son were assembled. It became the "Fu Lei Family Letter" that embodies strong feelings. In this life,
people are destined to be unable to choose their own parents, let alone change their original family.
The best way to get rid of the influence of the original family is to choose reconciliation and introspection. To reconcile
with the native family is to open a door for yourself; to reflect on the problems in your education is to open a window for your children.
You are the original family of your child, and your words and deeds deeply affect your child's future.
The original family owes us, let us end it ourselves, don't let our children repeat the same mistakes.
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