Recently, my girlfriend Xiaoya broke up with her boyfriend. They have known each other for about half a year. The boyfriend is still very active and enthusiastic towards Xiaoya in the early stage, but recently I found out that her boyfriend no longer doesn't take the initiative to contact her, and she doesn’t want to meet and chat. come out. Xiaoya said that she knows that you can't force your relationship. If you don't like it, you can say it. You can communicate well, and you can get together and relax, but she can't understand why she has been silent. If she must ask, the other party will say that she has no feelings. , But ask boyfriend, what do you feel about understanding? The other party couldn't say it, and then she fell silent again. Xiaoya was hurt by this incommunicable state. She asked me if she ignored the other party's needs, or hurt the other party unintentionally?
First of all, I think Xiaoya's boyfriend is a more typical avoidant attachment mode.
So what is an avoidant attachment model?
From the theory of motivational psychology, avoidant people include three main characteristics: high recognition, high freedom, and low social interaction.
Here I will explain to everyone separately, what does this " avoid three-piece " mean.
High Recognition : Delicate, sensitive, a lot of inner drama and glass heart, high requirements for oneself, eager to be recognized and appreciated, have expectations in his heart, but he will not express it, he hopes that even if he does not say it, others will also Can understand oneself, recognize oneself. Because he felt that once he said something, the meaning changed.
High Freedom : Lone Ranger, pays great attention to personal space, pays attention to privacy, is accustomed to self-dependence, does not give others the space to rely on themselves, and does not like to rely on others. When he feels that you are serious about the relationship, he will feel scared and feel that he is not ready to be with you. Therefore, the more active and enthusiastic you are, the more he will shrink back.
Low social : I like to be quiet, I don't like to get along with people, and I don't like small talk. I am used to being alone, like a transparent person, I don't want to be seen or see others. For example, I don't like to greet people or greet people, and I rarely contact and party with friends. The common characteristics of
avoidance couples include the following four aspects:
First, the location of mate selection is not clear.
doesn't know what kind of partner I want, I always feel that I am not ready for the relationship. But I will still enter into a romantic relationship, and once the relationship is confirmed, I begin to alienate again, feeling that this is not what I want.
Second, get used to double standards.
is very demanding on partners, and pays close attention to the small shortcomings of the partner, such as the way the other party speaks, dresses up, and eats equal, and feels that the other party is not perfect, but rarely examines his own shortcomings and shortcomings inwardly.
Third, excessive self-protection. In order to maintain a sense of independence,
hardly shares his thoughts with his partner, and rarely expresses his feelings for his partner and commitment to intimacy.
fourth, easy to be inconsistent.
looks very polite and humble on the surface, but when you are unhappy, you will still feel that it is someone else’s problem in your heart to shirk responsibility. For example, if you encounter something that makes you unhappy in your relationship, you will not directly express it, but will silently deduct points in your heart, thinking that it is the other party’s problem.
is accustomed to looking at problems with his own needs and feelings. neither assumes the responsibility of communication, nor does it empathize with the other side's feelings. Because they did not express their true thoughts, the partner could not know how to adjust and change, and missed opportunities to deepen the relationship.
Because avoidant people have prejudice against their partners, they can't agree with what their partners say or do.
They are totally unaware of how destructive this prejudiced mode of thinking is to intimacy itself. The most important thing about
is that avoidance type mistakes "self-reliance" for independence. It is this kind of self and prejudice that makes them more lonely.
It is estimated that when you see this, you should have avoided the avoidant partner, right?
So the question is, can avoidant partners be saved? The answer to
is: yes. zThe most contradictory aspect of 1z
because of avoidant people:
ta do not want to get too close, do not like promises, and do not like to bear the consequences of feelings. The biggest sticking point of
ta is: distrust.
If you allow the relationship in a way that they feel comfortable with, they will only become increasingly distrustful.
So, if your partner is an attachment avoider, my advice to you is to start with this part of trust. You need to break the barriers and bravely break into the other person's heart until he can trust you and believe in love.
Here to share with you one more, the theory of the three elements of love.
The three elements of love include: passion, intimacy and commitment. Z1z
is indispensable for all three, so there is only passion and intimacy, but love without commitment, it is difficult to have a satisfactory result.
Therefore, if you always keep your distance, don't break barriers, love too carefully, and don't make any promises in order to meet his needs, then his avoidance is still the same.
How should we face avoidant partners? Here are a few practical tips for everyone.
First, pay more attention to his emotions.
When he closes himself up and ignores your feelings and expressions, it means he is now anxious and trying to suppress his emotions. So you need to understand and experience his emotions and feelings. This is a manifestation of his own personality state, not your problem. You must understand that his behavior and reactions are not directed at you.
Second, don't imagine solving the problem all at once.
Although they can deny it, people with avoidant attachment are also afraid of strong and painful negative emotions. If he closes his heart during the conversation, or you find that he is trying to convince you with strong logic and theory, and refuses to respond to you, don’t try to express to him again. The timing is wrong, you can try again at another time .
is third, if he wants to go, he must not chase.
Because this will make him run faster, you need to give him enough space and opportunities so that he can re-perceive what he misses you in his own safe space, and the anxiety that he has caused because he can’t see you . Of course, the prerequisite for this is that you must be able to regulate your painful emotions, and when necessary, you can turn to friends or professionals you trust in your life.
Fourth, clarify your needs.
You have to realize that if you need too much intimacy in the relationship, the other person may never be the perfect partner you want. Because it is like avoidance-type high freedom state, generally only people with low affection can accept it. (Low family affection refers to the desire to maintain the same relationship as your family partners. You don’t need to be in constant contact, and you don’t want to be overly cared or interfered by your parents.) Therefore, even if they have many advantages that attract you, you need to understand your own Under the premise of core needs, make trade-offs and give up when necessary.
Fifth, calm and gentle communication.
This is the most important point. You need to express your needs as little as possible, especially your negative emotions, such as anger and disappointment with the other party. You can express your feelings about him and explain why you think so, and then sincerely seek the other party’s response . If they deny, don't let their emotions explode, don't blame and grab. This way of communication helps him gain more personal awareness on the premise of safety, and fundamentally helps him learn to experience and express his emotions more.
Finally, what I want to say is: everyone has advantages, and avoidant people are the same, and avoidant people are mostly highly sensitive personalities. They can often perceive more information and have a more abundant inner world. I like to chat in depth and pursue the fun of life. And tirelessly explore the spiritual world, but also have a high degree of empathy and a strong sense of responsibility, and even want to save the world. Such people see the world through a filter. Under the effect of this filter, The world you see has higher contrast and higher saturation.
Therefore, avoidance-type people have always experienced the world in a more vivid and intense way.
so if you are this personOr in an intimate relationship with such a person, please be patient and wait to grow up with each other.
Here is a key reminder that uses this avoidance method to deal with emotions and it takes several years to learn, and it often takes a lot of time to change, and patience and hope are the best for us to change ourselves and improve intimacy Cornerstone.
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