01
received a letter from a reader, with the following content:
Fat Fish, Hello, I have been following you for a while. I have encountered something recently and I want to hear your analysis.
I am Sister Chen, 45 years old this year. My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years and have a daughter. In the early years, my husband resigned and did his own business. Our life was getting better and better. The whole family moved from a small county town to a provincial capital.
I haven't started working since my daughter went to the third grade of elementary school. At that time, my daughter's grades were a little unsatisfied, and her parents-in-law couldn't teach her, so there was no way, so I had to quit in the end. Fortunately, my husband had already gone out to do business at that time and his income was enough to support the family.
This year, my daughter was admitted to a key university with good grades. After she started school at the end of August, my life was completely idle.
Due to the epidemic/city/, my husband resold the company last year. We have some savings, and our lives are not as good as the top.
My husband also has a sister who is 5 years younger than him, who is my sister-in-law. My sister-in-law graduated from technical secondary school and then went to Shenzhen to work and met her ex-husband.
My sister-in-law's ex-husband is from Jiangxi, but their marriage lasted for 5 years, and eventually they divorced because of the disagreement of personality.
When divorced, the in-laws were angry and refused to let their sister-in-law take the child away. My sister-in-law had to leave the house and come back to join us.
02
At that time, my in-laws were still in my hometown in the countryside, and my sister-in-law lived in our house. My sister-in-law and I have a good relationship, and my daughter likes her very much.
has lived in my house for more than two years. My sister-in-law met her remarried husband at work.
That man is also divorced, and his son belongs to his ex-wife. After the sister-in-law remarried, the two gave birth to another son.
A few years ago, with our help, my sister-in-law and her husband also bought a house in the provincial capital. My husband and I supported their partial down payment.
My husband is very nice to my family. A few years ago, he helped my parents buy a suite in the town. He is kind to my family and gives for them. Of course, when he gives for his sister-in-law, I can't say anything. What's more than 100,000 to support my sister-in-law can be fully prepared by our conditions.
In-laws are also older, and my husband brings them to the provincial capital. The old couple lives in the small house before us. The family is not far away. On weekends, our sister-in-law and her family will go to their parents-in-law's house for a meal together. During holidays, we will also go to the suburbs to visit together.
My sister-in-law is also grateful for her kindness. She is very good at cooking and will give us some every time she cooks something delicious.
Until last month, my sister-in-law went to see the eldest daughter she and her ex-husband gave birth to. The girl is in the fifth grade of elementary school, and this time she called her sister-in-law while crying.
The sister-in-law's ex-husband gave birth to two sons after remarrying, and he threw the eldest daughter to his parents. In July, my sister-in-law's ex-mother-in-law passed away, leaving only her ex-father-in-law. She couldn't even take good care of herself, so how could she take care of her children?
Moreover, the ex-husband also doesn't give money to the ex-father-in-law, who is in his 70s, and he still picks up garbage everywhere to support himself and his granddaughter.
03
My sister-in-law went to see the child and collapsed when she came back. She wanted to take the child back, and her ex-husband agreed. But when my sister-in-law discussed with her current husband, her brother-in-law disagreed.
The current brother-in-law means that their house is not big and his parents live with them, which is inconvenient. The current parents-in-law also disagrees with the sister-in-law bringing the child back, after all, they only have grandchildren in their hearts.
My sister-in-law was in a dilemma, so she asked her husband and in-laws to discuss how to accommodate the child. Unexpectedly, my mother-in-law suggested taking the child back and leaving it with us.
First, I am very good at educating my children and taught my daughter very well;
Second, my daughter is already in college, and we have no children around us, there are many children, and there are many happiness.
My husband is a kind-hearted person. He thinks this niece is also pitiful. He is in the countryside for fear that he will be trashed. We really don’t have much burden at the moment and can take care of our children.
When I came back tonight, my husband discussed with me and showed me the photos of the child. My husband said that when he saw the little girl dressed in a torn manner, no one cared about it, he felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable when I saw it.
A child that parents don’t want, a left-behind child, shows how difficult it is. I think when my daughter was so old, she was enjoying our care and went to school happily every day without having to bear the pressure of life.
But I put my child in my home. I have such a great responsibility to raise children, and I am afraid I can't afford it. Besides, with the knowledge I have learned, I know very well that what children need most is the care of their parents. I told my husband, let me think about it for a few days.
Just the next day, my daughter called me and I told her about this.
My daughter hesitated and said: Mom, have you ever thought about it? You are not an aunt, I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask you to take care of your sister. In terms of family affection, my aunt and my sister must be closer, and my sister needs her more. In our house, you and your father will have great responsibility. My sister is not your biological daughter, you still have to touch her temper. It would be fine if you teach well. If there is something that doesn’t do well enough, I’m afraid my aunt will still hate you. I also feel sorry for my sister’s experience, but mom, please consider it again...
What my daughter said makes a lot of sense, and these issues are also something I worry about.
04
thought for a day, and my husband came back from fishing in the evening, and I discussed with him.
Children can indeed take it over, there are two options:
first, let the child go to boarding school, and we can support the tuition;
second, let the child live with his parents-in-law, and the sister-in-law goes there when she has time and spend more time with the child. This can also establish a mother-daughter connection, which will be better for the child. Moreover, we can also take care of our children when we have time.
My husband considered it and like me, he recognized the second solution. My parents-in-law are in good health at present, and the place they live is closer to my sister-in-law's house, which is indeed a good idea. My sister-in-law can also take a few days a week to see the child.
However, when the family meeting was held, the parents-in-law and sister-in-law were still unwilling to do it.
In-laws are afraid that they will not be able to teach the child well, and my sister-in-law also has this concern.
What they mean is that I will educate my children. After all, I have taught my daughter well in the past few years. My daughter has always been among the best in junior high school.
In addition, I have read a lot of parenting books, which can be regarded as understanding some parenting knowledge. But the more I understand, the more I understand the importance of maternal love to children.
But my sister-in-law didn't understand. She thought I was afraid of trouble, so she took the initiative to say that she would give me 1,000 living expenses every month in the future. But this is not a matter of money at all.
I told her that she was a little too paranoid and kept withdrawing money. My parents-in-law didn't understand, so they thought I was in good condition and understood the children, so there was no problem. The two of them were old men, just like they did to me, and they could only cook for their children, and they couldn't help with their studies.
Currently, we are in a stalemate. My sister-in-law and her in-laws tried to convince me through her husband.
My husband is a little embarrassed. Later, my daughter came forward and from her perspective, she told him the huge impact I had on her for the past few years I had with her. My husband changed his mind and stood on my side.
The husband can understand it, but the parents-in-law and sister-in-law don’t understand it, so it’s difficult for us to reach a unified state. This way, it is impossible to take the child over as soon as possible.
Yesterday my sister-in-law was still crying, saying that her ex-husband told her that the child’s grandfather was also sick and hoped that she would pick her up as soon as possible.
My sister-in-law plans to go there today and complete the transfer procedures for the child, so she will bring her back. But she still hopes that the child will be handed over to me.
How should I tell her? It's really too difficult...
05
Thank you for your trust!
My sister-in-law doesn't want to take care of her daughter. On the surface, her current husband and in-laws disagree. In fact, the most important thing is that she herself is unwilling to take on the responsibility of being a mother.
She felt that her sister-in-law would educate her children and educate her niece very well, and she was admitted to key universities. If you believe in your daughter, it will definitely not be bad if you put it with your sister-in-law.
But she forgot one thing, she is the child's biological mother, and what her daughter needs most is her love. Instead of pushing her to someone else.
Even if she is inconvenient for family harmony, it is not convenient for her daughter to live in her own home and let her daughter live in her parents' home, she takes time to visit and accompany her children, there is no problem.
But she still doesn't want to. I really don't know what she thought?
Her daughter has experienced the warmth and coldness of the world at such a young age. What she desires most now is her mother’s hug and care.
Aunts will certainly be nice to the child, but that kind of goodness is not what the child wants, and it is different from the love the mother gives to the child.
Since the sister-in-law picks up the child, in addition to allowing her to live a better life, the focus should be on the child's mental health. After all, the child is still a child. She is not an adult. Even if she pretends to be strong, she is still a little girl after all.
Two plans proposed by Sister Chen, Plan 2, let the parents-in-law help take care of the children, and the sister-in-law often goes over to see the children. I think it is more reasonable.
The most difficult thing at the moment is to let my sister-in-law understand the importance of her mother to her children. Instead of pushing the child to his sister-in-law, it will cause secondary harm to the child.
is just that my sister-in-law is not aware of these things because of her limited cognition.
Sister Chen can share some good parenting knowledge with her sister-in-law, or take her to some courses so that she can understand it after she has personally experienced it.
However, the work of sister-in-law and her in-laws still has to be done by Sister Chen’s husband. After all, for the affairs of the in-laws, the daughter-in-law should not be in front of the front, otherwise she would be unfamiliar with her inside and outside.
Do you have any good suggestions in the face of Sister Chen’s confusion?
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