In recent years, we have had many more opportunities to get along with our family. However, living together day and night did not make the relationship between the family closer.
- After working, we have never been well with our parents, and we have always wanted to accompany them to let them enjoy their old age. However, after we really have this opportunity, we always parted in a bad mood without saying three sentences.
- Between couples, two people who are usually busy with work have more opportunities to fight life, from supporting the elderly and young to housework, and when they are passionate, we wish we could attack each other with the most vicious words.
Those words blurted out in the name of love and hate are hidden under the precarious marriage and become thorns buried in all aspects of life.
- Not to mention getting along with children. Taking online classes has become a pain for parents and children...
We love our family so much, why can't we get along well with them?
In fact, it is the ultimate reason- We cannot speak well with our family.
"Why doesn't my mother just listen to my advice?"
Zitong found: My mother would rather believe the rumor outside, and would not listen to what she said, even if she was right.
Recently, my mother, who has always relied on offline shopping, learned to buy things in the live broadcast room during the epidemic. But the goods online are of varying quality, and you have to return one for almost every three items you buy.
It is not easy for the elderly to learn to shop for self-service, and it is difficult to understand the complex return process. The aftermath of buying and buying naturally fell on Zitong.
Zitong advised her mother not to take advantage of her, but her mother refused to listen, and Zitong got angry a lot.
Once, my mother brought a cashmere sweater and carefully told Zitong that the goods were wrong and that they would return them.
Zitong replied without raising her head: "Mom, if you don't have the genuine eye, you will not be able to buy authentic products, so you will not wander around the Internet. If you have some common sense, you will know what good products can be made of cashmere sweaters for 200 yuan? You have to buy them to make things difficult."
Mother went out without saying a word. Zitong thought that her mother had listened to her advice and needed her to return the goods less often.
burst was at the dinner table half a month later.
Mother was looking at the international news and sighed: "The war in Russia continues."
Zitong took a angrily: "I can't understand the affairs at home, and I still worry about international affairs. What does this have to do with us? Don't look at those messy news, either to attract attention or to write links, there are viruses inside."
Mother suddenly broke out: "Can you speak? Am I teaching you to speak like this? If you can speak, just shut up if you don't speak. You know everything, don't get old then!"
Zitong's resentment suddenly took off because of her mother's rebuttal: "Aren't I afraid that you will be cheated? How many times have you been cheated? I have said it carefully many times, never listened, and I will nag us when I come back."
This mother-daughter quarrel was left unresolved, but my mother said something that made Zitong stunned-"Every time you speak like a knife, I feel that I didn't teach you well."
Because of emotional closeness, we lack a sense of boundaries when we get along with our parents. This lack of manifestation makes us omit the step of "understanding the other person" and only focus on our own opinions and expressions, and thus become domineering and arrogant.
We will replace "I understand you are worried about me" with "I don't care" and "Don't worry, I will handle it well" with "Don't worry."
In fact, compared to getting along day and night, what parents need more is the "active way of speaking", which is what we empathize with and express positively.
When you notice anger and impatient in your emotions, We should first soothe our emotions, rather than treating our parents as "cathologies".
"Why is the most difficult child to teach me to be stuck with?"
Juanzi found that whenever the child needs homework, her husband will urinate. Over time, her bad temper was forced to go into battle.
Once, I saw that the child's calculation paper was painted in a row, Juanzi sank in Dantian : "It's your habit. Can you keep the paper on the test? The paper is your other face. Can you see this face?" The husband on the side of
hurriedly tried to smooth things over.
Juanzi is fully in power: "You run away when you say tutoring, you are so handsome? I see that you father and son are the same..."
The war is about to break out, Juanzi talks from a calculation paper to a normal exam, and then rises from studying habits to shaping personality. After the publication is over, the child is crying and her husband is silent.
Only by strictly disciplined at home can children ride the wind and waves outside. With such educational idea, Juanzi always talks to the most painful place every time she teaches her children about homework.
Honey thinks Juanzi is too overbearing, and Juanzi thinks her husband is tolerant and pedantic. After a few quarrels, every time Juanzi tutored homework, her husband would close the door and hide in vain.
The bitter thing is the children who accept language shells.
Under Juanzi's criticism, the child's grades have increased and he has spoken less.
At a parent-teacher meeting, the teacher named Juanzi and said earnestly that the child speaks unpleasantly and behaves strongly at school. He has had many quarrels with his friends, hoping that Juanzi will guide him from the side.
When Juanzi talked about this in front of her husband, what she got was - "I knew the child would be like this!"
"Why?"
"Because of you, my mother! Have you considered communicating with him? Every time You educate him in a way that hurts people's self-esteem. What do you think you get? I think it's good if he doesn't hurt himself or hurt people."
It turns out that my husband has always disagrees with Juanzi's chat style. The reason why he didn't quarrel was not because he loved deeply, but because he thought that he needed to go through a long debate and running-in, he was too lazy to work hard; Moreover, the growing child shared Juanzi's firepower, and he was willing to just live.
I just didn’t expect that children who grew up in language violence became a mixture of inferiority and arrogance.
- At home, the child lowered his eyebrows and did not dare to breathe, and obeyed his mother's instructions;
- In school, the child unconsciously imitated his mother's education method and used to "punish" those classmates who are as "disobedient" as him.
Juanzi is helpless. She really wants to be a good mother. She is actually very tired every time she mobilizes so many emotions to affect her child.
There are many mothers like Juanzi. They work hard, but they just can't control their temper and speak well.
In fact, when our communication object is a child, "talk well" becomes particularly important.
What a child needs is not how much truth is instilled at home, but when he has experiences and experiences in life, and then he gets support, affirmation and adjustments in the process of communicating with his parents.
Speaking well means not using sharp words to make the child feel like an isolated island; it means giving the child more emotional energy.
"Remarriage, is it wrong?"
Zhang Qian wants to divorce again, the second time, with the same man.
When they first divorced, the two had only been married for three years and were young and energetic.
That day, Zhang Qian flipped her husband Liu Feng’s phone and accidentally saw the dialog box between him and a girl. Although there was no ambiguity at all, the two shared a lot of daily life, which she could not bear.
At that time, Zhang Qian threw her phone in front of her husband and blurted out: "You are actually chatting with others. What can you say to your wife? You have to tell others that I am a dead person?"
When you are emotionally upset, the language is illogical. She used almost all the unpleasant words, even though her husband repeatedly emphasized that the relationship between the two was innocent and sincerely reflected on her mistakes.
But Zhang Qian couldn't swallow this and blurted out: "Divorce, I don't want to sleep in the same bed with a scumbag like you who will cheat sooner or later."
The first marriage ended like this.
Maybe he felt that he was unreasonable. After receiving the divorce certificate , Liu Feng began to pursue Zhang Qian again.
Marriage relationship does not exist, and reason has occupied the high ground again. Zhang Qian returned to her former gentle ladylike attitude, and Liu Feng really sorted out his life and work relationships in a clean manner.
When the trust was established again, the two exchanged their divorce certificates back to the red book, and they naturally welcomed the baby.
Unexpectedly, the child is a "big trouble", and Zhang Qian and Liu Feng have returned to the stage of quarrel and scolding.
Zhang Qian mocked Liu Feng: "Only one sperm came out, it was useless at other times."
Liu Feng was so angry that he could only keep saying: "You say whatever you want me to do. I can't think of you, remind me not to be so sarcastic."
When the child was two years old, Zhang Qian and her mother-in-law had a big quarrel. Liu Feng, as a sandwich cookie, did not look at my mother, nor did he look at her, but kept muddying. She was so angry that she shouted: "Divorce, mother's boy."
Zhang Qian couldn't understand. We could still get along with each other when we divorced, so why didn't we live together?
The reason is very simple, distance creates beauty.
This is also why friends and lovers have completely different opinions about us. In front of friends, we are more willing to show our listening and gentlemanly and understanding side;
. When facing our lover, we seem to have closed the correct communication channel at once and are more accustomed to saying the most hurtful words in the most direct way.
We always use disagreement of views and too deep generation gap to explain the bad relationship between us and our partners, parents and children.
But in fact they have the same key, is to speak well.
If you observe carefully, it is not difficult to find that people who always speak ill of their lovers will have a bad family, and the child's raising is full of pitfalls, which is simply "combining thousands of difficult things in one";
People who are used to talking well not only have a stable family, harmonious relationships with relatives, but also have a deep social relationship and a better physical condition.
It can be said that speaking well is the positive pole for us to attract happiness.
What exactly is "speak well"?
- First, allowing others to see differently from themselves and not letting them get angry and irritable.
No matter who we communicate with, we must always be aware of it, see our negative emotions in our hearts, and adjust in time, instead of treating language as a bullet and "killing" different remarks to death.
For different people, things are not flat, but Mitsubishi Mirror.
In other people's language, there is a view on events and his desires and needs. If you find this, you will find the communication password.
Many people listened to it, just waiting to say it, waiting to refute it.
The real listening is to control your mouth, concentrate on your energy, and listen to the other person with all your body. What are his feelings and needs?
You just need to summarize and retell the feelings and needs you see, and then determine with the other party whether your feelings and understanding are accurate.
- Fourth, sincere and peaceful feedback.
Ask the other party sincerely and honestly, what do you need to do? Also tell the other person sincerely and sincerely what you can do and what you can't do.
Dear, we spent two years learning to speak, and then spent our whole life working hard to "speak well".
Chinese family is easily destroyed, as long as negative words are constantly entered;
Chinese family is also easy to be happy, provided that cherish and defend the right to speak well with each other.
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