Keywords: Boyfriend gives his salary to his ex-wife, quarrel and break up
Question: Lengai Teacher, hello! I am a divorced girl. I fell in love at the end of last year and the other party was divorced. After getting to know each other, I liked to appreciate each other. After about a month, I decided on the relationship and the relationship became better and better.
is also generous to me when it comes to money. He asked to meet my children and parents, and I agreed and have been getting along well. However, I felt uncomfortable not feeling well when he did not take me to see his parents.
At the end of March this year, we went out for a trip together in other places. Because the epidemic in other places cannot come back, we have time to be together every day, and there will be occasional noise.
But there was a big quarrel in May because he concealed the money given to his ex-wife from me, so I felt cheated and had a big quarrel with him.
After he divorced, he always gave most of the money to his ex-wife according to the rules in the marriage. After we were together, he agreed to adjust and give child support according to the divorce agreement , but in fact he did not do so. He kept giving all his salary and income to his ex-wife, so I cannot accept quarrel with him.
His attitude changed completely during this quarrel, and he was unwilling to communicate and face this matter. Because he had been on a business trip for three months and had no attitude after he came back, so I proposed to break up. It turned out that he felt that he loved me very much, but he didn't expect that he broke up in a quarrel.
I think there is a problem with him giving his ex-wife, but he said he felt that he owed the child, so he gave him more. However, he didn't consider my part. He just liked me and never really loved me.
So, he didn’t want to develop with me in the long term? Does he still love his ex-wife?
Answer: In the above story, I understand the confusion of the heroine and the anger when she found out that the man went back on her word.
We [Mission Psychology] have always taught everyone "to understand the way and gain the best skills". Regarding this story, I will share it from the two aspects of taking advantage of the situation and improving the skills.
1, take the momentum.
From the perspective of the man who is generous in his money to the heroine and asks to meet the heroine, the man wants to develop a long-term relationship with the heroine.
But the heroine was too impatient. The heroine said, "After the divorce, he has been giving most of the money to his ex-wife according to the rules of marriage. After we were together, he agreed to adjust and give support according to the divorce agreement."
The so-called promise means that the heroine makes a request and then the man agrees.
When the heroine was with him for only two or three months, she asked the man to immediately change his investment in his ex-wife and children.
You should know that the flow of money represents the flow of relationships. The flow of money represents the flow of trust.
His child is his biological child, and his relationship with the heroine is not stable enough to get married, nor is it deep enough to trust it very much, not to mention that the heroine himself also has children.
The heroine asked about this money request so quickly, and she was a little arrogant and too anxious. You should know that if you are anxious, you can’t eat hot tofu, and hasteness will not be achieved.
So, the woman mainly sees the situation clearly: the man wants to develop a long-term relationship with her, but at this stage, in his mind the ex-wife and children are more important.
Moreover, making money is not easy, and everyone's money is not blown by the strong wind. Anyone wants to keep the money he earns and spend it himself. The man must have hoped so too.
But why did he still give his ex-wife so much money? It is possible that he was caught by his ex-wife. It is also possible that as he said, he felt that he owed the child, so he gave more. In fact, he hoped that his ex-wife could take good care of the child.
If the heroine really loves the man, she must also understand the man's guilt and helplessness.
The woman mainly wants to surpass the father-son relationship formed by the man and his child through blood relationship, so she must manage the relationship with the man more attentively and patiently to establish a sense of trust between the two.
women mainly recognize this status quo in order to change this status quo.
Recognizing the status quo is the first step to change the status quo and a key step.
We [Mission Psychology] have always advocated "the art of knowing the way and gaining strength". To recognize the status quo is to gain momentum.
In addition, the heroine did not take advantage of the quarrel when she broke up in the end.
The original words of the heroine in the description of the question were: So I proposed to break up. It turned out that he felt that he loved me very much, but he didn't expect that he broke up in a fight.
We can see that the heroine does not really want to break up, but wants to vent her emotions through quarrel and break up, so that the man can pay more attention to her.
The heroine's breakup was actually to be retained.
The heroine has no momentum in both aspects.
On the one hand, she overestimated the man's feelings for her and underestimated her needs for the man. She originally thought that she could quarrel and break up based on the man's feelings for her, but she didn't expect that she would really break up.
After breaking up, I was very sad again.
Another aspect is that the timing of her quarrel is wrong, and she is too anxious again. After the man came back from a business trip for three months because of work, she quarreled with the man and broke up.
We can imagine that when a person comes back from a business trip for three months, he is often very tired, and he hopes to relax and adjust well. The heroine quarrels with the man at this time and is prone to hit the gun.
does not mean that everyone cannot quarrel, but before quarrel, they must first take advantage of the situation: evaluate whether you have the capital to quarrel, is it appropriate to quarrel at this time, and how to quarrel to achieve your goals?
Arguing is like putting explosives. Explosives are about blowing up what you don’t want, rather than blowing up what you want.
2, the best skills.
We see the process of this relationship: the heroine and the man appreciate each other at the beginning, and then the relationship becomes better and better, and the man is very generous to the heroine.
But later the heroine found out that the man still paid most of his ex-wife's salary, and the two had a big fight.
This quarrel between the two is the watershed of this relationship. The heroine hopes to fight for love and money through quarrels, but the more quarrels, the more ignored the man.
This is a relationship that collapsed due to a quarrel. The quarrel makes both sides not get closer, but farther away.
But a person often does not give in because of quarrel, coercion, or pressure.
Moreover, such concessions are not real concessions. In fact, the more capable and opinionated a man is, the less he will give in.
In a relationship, being willing is important, and men should willingly contribute to this new relationship.
Actually, behind the quarrel is what I need.
The heroine needs skills and needs to adjust her communication mode in which she tries to solve the problem by using quarrels. So, how to adjust?
For example, when the heroine finds out that the man hides money investment in his ex-wife's children, what should the heroine do?
The heroine needs to adjust her emotions first, and then use the "non-violent communication" method.
Nonviolent communication has four elements: observation, feeling, need, and request.
The heroine can say:
"When I knew you had concealed money from me about giving my ex-wife's money, (observation)
I was shocked, disappointed, and sad. (feel)
0 Actually, what makes me sad is not that you give money to my ex-wife, she should give her children to take care of her. Her money, but you did not give support according to the divorce agreement as you promised me before. (Feel)
I hope you can be honest with me and do what you say. If you can't do it, you can tell me any difficulties and concerns. (Demand)
Can you tell me? (Request)
Communication is the bridge connecting each other's hearts. When the situation is correct, even if the two parties have different ideas, good communication skills can enhance each other's feelings.
or above is my response to this story from the perspective of taking momentum and improving skills. Because the Tao part is quite profound, today's Q&A will not be expanded for the time being.
technique is the use of momentum, and momentum is the manifestation of Tao.
Only after taking the momentum can the skill be better played just right. If you use the technique blindly without taking the momentum, you may be as fierce as a tiger, and the result will be like a 25-year-old.
Therefore, it is also very encouraged that everyone should learn to understand the truth and gain momentum while learning various skills.
also welcomes everyone to connect with us.
Creative Team | Leng Ai Fangshang Qianxi
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