Text | Smiling slightly
Falling in love is always beautiful, but everything seems to have changed after getting married.
The trivial life and family conflicts have slowly worn away your relationship. He you love has turned into a submissive "mama's boy", and you have become a fussy "bitter wife" in his eyes.
Marriage is not only a matter between two people, but sometimes a game and struggle between two or three families. It also intersects the interests of all parties, emotional games and complex human nature. If a conflict occurs, it is not easy to deal with it.
Many marriage conflicts mainly come from the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Of course, if your other half's parents can restrain their behavior and treat you well, then you will be lucky.
However, many people are not so lucky. Their partners' parents will always find fault, instigate and dislike them, and even actively create conflicts, causing the couple's marriage to break up.
I think of Hu Lijuan in " Double Sided Tape ". Before her parents-in-law came, she was a Shanghai girl who lived a bright and happy life. She had a stable job and a husband Li Yaping who was obedient and loving to her. But when the parents-in-law arrived, everything changed, and all the sunshine was blocked by dark clouds.
There was a conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. "Phoenix Man" Li Yaping did not stand on her side. She was bullied, forced to have children, picky and disliked by her parents-in-law, and took most of her family's property. In the end, she was beaten so hard by her husband Yaping that her heart stopped beating. And breathing...
Of course, this kind of dramatic tragedy may not happen to us, but encountering conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a problem that many women have to face. What should you do if your partner's parents are really unbearable and have hurt your marriage?
was fortunate enough to encounter Susan Forward's "Original Family: Marriage and Love Edition", which made people suddenly enlightened after reading it and benefited a lot.
The author sharply analyzes the conflicts and conflicts between new members and their original families, and points out the types of "toxic" parents and their coping methods, giving you great confidence in handling conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Even if you don't have close relatives, A family's luck must at least have the confidence not to be wronged.
1. Five types of “toxic” partner parents
“Original Family·Marriage and Love Edition” proposes the definition and evaluation criteria of “toxic” partner parents.
Mainly look at: whether they interfere and control your marriage, whether they attack you and your marriage in various ways, and create a lot of trouble. The book
mentions five types of "toxic" partner parents, namely: critical, possessive, controlling, troublemaking, and rejecting.
1. Criticism type: always seizes every opportunity to get along with you and is critical of your opinions, feelings and behaviors. uses the method of blaming, opposing or even belittling you to let you know that you can never live up to them. standards and expectations.
2. Possessive type: Warm and friendly on the surface, slowly invading every aspect of your marriage. . In the name of love, I hope you will meet their expectations: Put your family of origin first, your home is their home, and you are required to cater to them. and meet their needs.
3. Controlling type: have absolute rights at home and never want to let go. Even if their children grow up, they still think that their children will always be dependent on them. wants to gain a sense of order, satisfaction, and superiority by dominating your partner.
4. Trouble-making type: Their lives are so bad and chaotic, such as incompatible couples, drinking, spending money like water, etc., that they want to involve you in the whirlpool of escalating crises and disasters.
5. Rejection type: They completely close their hearts to you, do not allow you to enter their lives, clearly tell you and your partner that they do not welcome you, , and tempt you to give up the marriage that they have ruined.
Happy families are always similar, and unhappy marriages always have “toxic” partners and parents acting as monsters.
Why do your partner's parents treat you like this? Why don’t they like you? Why do they turn a blind eye when you have given so much? Why do they want to mess up your marriage and make your life difficult...
The reasons for these problems are very complicated, which may be related to their family, outlook on life, personality and behavioral patterns.
The most serious conflicts always seem to be between mother and son and father and daughter. The most intense conflicts and contradictions occur between in-laws of the same gender - mother-in-law and son-in-law. " is pregnant with in-laws of the same gender but who are younger." Jealousy and competitiveness make them particularly vulnerable. ”
They do not understand that parental love is the only goal of separation rather than closerness. If they do not understand clearly, conflicts will easily arise.
At this time, you need to have certain wisdom, means and mentality to welcome and resolve these conflicts, as the subtitle of Susan Forward's book says: "How to deal with the pickiness, intrusion or rejection of your lover's parents", Let's take the initiative and learn how to take back control of your marriage from your partner's parents, whether your partner cooperates or not.
2. Respect differences, maintain a sense of boundaries and personality independence
In the book, the author proposes six common traps in dealing with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or son-in-law:
1. Victim mentality (Seize on the places where others treat you badly, and always feel that you Is a victim)
2. Overreaction (99% of excessive behavior is caused by the shadow of the past )
3. Underreaction (the root is fear, fear of being denied and losing control, blindly suppressing oneself)
4. Being unrealistic about oneself (Excessive expectations for your ability to handle conflicts)
5. Have unrealistic expectations for your partner (Wrongly believe that your partner’s focus in life will be biased toward you)
6. Have unrealistic expectations for your partner’s parents (Hope to learn from Get love, acceptance and kindness from your partner's parents)
When faced with the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law/son-in-law and your partner does not understand it, the first thing you have to do is: accept the reality and "give in" directly.
Accept that you and your parents-in-law are just strangers in the beginning. The only opportunity for you to establish a relationship is that they gave birth to your partner. They have different beliefs, hobbies, attitudes, tastes and values from you.
It is only natural to have conflicts when getting along. Of course, you also have the right to be respected, to protect your physical and mental health, to raise your children without interference from others, to feel angry, and to say "no" to your partner's parents.
Of course, you can make your marriage and life more harmonious and happy by "setting boundaries", "clearing your position" and "non-defensive communication", instead of just adopting a victim mentality or treating yourself, your partner and your partner Parents have unrealistic expectations.
Remember, Tu Lei once said that the way to get along between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is to treat each other with respect and respect as guests.
When getting along with mother-in-law, daughter-in-law or son-in-law, it is particularly important to respect each other's differences and maintain a sense of boundaries.
As a parent, try not to interfere in the lives of your juniors, and don’t be too much to show off your presence and majesty. The juniors will naturally respect you. As a junior, let your partner unite with you and create conditions for the young couple to be financially and spiritually independent. They can build their own small family, establish good principles and clear boundaries, and get along naturally and harmoniously with your partner's parents.
Of course, life is not a fairy tale. Maybe you have tried everything, but your partner still stands on a united front with your parents and treats you as an outsider or a nanny who has children. You cannot get true love in the family. With respect and understanding, , then stopping the loss in time is also a last resort.
Sometimes, the fault is not yours.
When you become more confident, understand relationships more clearly, and deal with conflicts more wisely, even if this intimate relationship fails, you still find yourself and have the ability to live your life openly. This is not worth being happy about. ?
Best wishes!
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