is necessary. The reason why
is necessary is not because of how rare your relationship is, nor does it mean that you can't live without the other person.
is to cut off the regrets that will pop up in your mind from time to time in the future, as well as all the possibilities of being blamed for this relationship in the future.
Most unresolved relationships will eventually turn into the "white moonlight" imagined in your heart. The relationship itself is no longer important. What is important is regret. Your consciousness will add too much to the relationship. filter.
These filters will allow you to over-beautify your ex and live in memories of the past that no longer exist. They will be inaccessible to future generations and may even be divorced from reality.
Once you reach this level, you will be doomed to live in pickiness, comparison and dissatisfaction with the status quo, and blame the current unhappiness on the fact that you did not make it back in time, causing the two of you to miss out.
I feel restless and unstable, thinking that I am very affectionate, and then I use this "regret" as a matter of course to affect every intimate relationship in the future.
1. Why do you always regret not trying to save a relationship?
Not all breakups will eventually be forgotten over time.
In psychology, there is an effect called the "Zeigarnik effect", which means that people remember unfinished things more deeply than things that have been processed.
This also explains that many people may never forget their first love, and compare the partners they find later with their exes. They are also prone to being immersed in the pain of broken love for a long time, and cannot get over it for months or even years.
These are not because of how unforgettable the relationship itself is, nor how deeply you love it, but because your subconscious will attribute a relationship that has not exhausted its efforts to an "unfinished state", and then automatically classify it as a regret.
There was only one step left, but he didn't take it out. His feelings were stuck just one step away, and it became a knot in his heart. The longer time goes by, the deeper the regret becomes.
In the end, he had nothing to do with the other party, but was competing with himself.
But if you try your best to save it, no matter what the result is, at least one thing is guaranteed:
succeeds and everyone is happy.
didn't succeed. If you are worthy of yourself, it will be easier to get over the breakup.
But all this requires a prerequisite: use the right method.
The wrong way to recover will not only push the other party further and further away, but more importantly, it will consume your own self-confidence and self-esteem. That's typical thankless work.
2. What are the most common pitfalls in the recovery process?
1. Frequently appear when the other party doesn't want to see you, and stalk you
Although the main purpose of redeeming yourself is to avoid regrets, if you can succeed, no one should want to fail.
But too many people try their best but choose the wrong time. Recovery requires wisdom, and waiting for opportunities is also part of the methodology.
Most people who fail to redeem themselves do so by stalking the other person before they calm down, in order to strengthen their own bad image in the other person's mind.
2. During the recovery process, the mood is unstable and negative emotions are exposed too much.
The process of recovery is no less than the second pursuit process, or even more difficult than the pursuit process.
You need to show your best side to the other person and give them a reason to be attracted again. Once you become emotional and uncertain during this process, the other party will only stay further away from you.
In other words, don’t use recovery as an outlet to vent your emotions. Before you recover, make peace with yourself first, make all preparations, and then talk about recovery when you are strong enough to take the initiative in the direction of the relationship.
3. Refuse to listen to the needs and feelings of the other party, and blindly pursue their own goals.
Boys often make mistakes in the recovery process, and that is: being too goal-oriented.
This leads to the fact that in all your recovery processes, you are extremely concerned about whether you succeed, when you succeed, and how likely you are to succeed.As a result, you often reveal that all your "changes" have other purposes before the girl can calm down and feel it, rather than sincere regret.
Girls are just the opposite. What they want to see is not your eagerness for success. What they want to see is your patience, your changes, your only concern about hard work, not about harvest.
Yes, the more Buddhist you talk, the more meticulous your behavior, and the less eager you are for quick results, the easier it will be for girls to feel at ease, and the greater the chance of success in recovery.
4. Use cheap behavior to impress yourself and use morality to kidnap the other party.
Recovery requires methods, and success will not come without hard work.
If you choose the wrong method, it can only be said that you are performing a one-man show, which has nothing to do with girls at all, but is just about impressing yourself.
Especially, when the method you choose is thankless, cheap and ineffective, and you also morally kidnap girls why they are not satisfied, the final result is that you torture yourself half to death, and the girls also annoy you to death.
Instead of doing this, it is better not to save it from the beginning, at least it can leave a good impression.
You will regret it if you don't redeem it, but recovery requires wisdom. You have to make rational choices in terms of the balance.
5. Excessive exposure of the sense of need
When you take the initiative to save a relationship, the psychological status of both parties has widened the gap. Although you don't say anything on the surface, you both know that in this relationship, you are the one who is more afraid of losing and wants to continue.
People are proud of being favored. Once they are flattered, they will lose their most basic judgment and sobriety, which will only add more obstacles to your recovery.
The efficient and correct way of recovery will subvert your three views - that is, in the process of recovery, you not only do not need to be humble and seek perfection, but you must have high confidence, high self-esteem, and high value to recover.
A restorer is also an initiative and leader to a certain extent. The other party will only change their mind because you are good enough and worthy enough, but will not repeat the same mistakes because you are weak or pitiful enough.
6. Use negative ways to promote progress
The prerequisite for the establishment of an intimate relationship is mutual appreciation and attraction.
You have the ability, which makes me admire you, and I have the advantages, which make you like it. Only when both parties use positive energy to promote the growth of each other's feelings can the relationship be on the right track.
To put it more simply, the process of recovery is equivalent to the high-end version of the "repursuit" process. When you are pursuing someone, you must hope that the other person will see your strengths, feel your sincerity, and pursue them in a way that can really touch them. The same is true in the process of recovery.
But many people just do the opposite, making the recovery very bitter and resentful. They allow their own negative emotions to affect the recovery process. They are eager to make peace, cry and make trouble, and occasionally intimidate and threaten, and the other party cannot feel anything from it. Positive energy, not to mention you who are worthy of admiration.
7. Apologize blindly, or promise blindly. The factor that determines the success of
composite lies in the continuity between the past and the future. Whether the other party is willing to give you a chance depends on how much you reflect on the past and how much you commit to the future.
In other words, when the other party makes the decision to "break up", it is usually not just punishment for the past, but also worries about the future. If these two points are missing, the other party will not easily choose to look back.
Therefore, it is useless to apologize blindly. The other party can at most forgive the past, but will not continue with you because you cannot give her future protection.
And blind promises are ineffective. Promises that are too vague will not easily impress anyone.
What you need to master is the balance between "past" and "future". Not only should you let the other party know that you have deeply reflected on past problems, but you should also let her really see the changes you have made for this, so as to Generate confidence in the future.
8, low value, high action recovery is usually not efficient.
What is "low value, high action"?
means that your own value is extremely low, but you act too hard. Although you have tried your best, the probability of recovery is usually not high.
The recovery process is often more realistic than the original pursuit. What the other party values is no longer just how much emotional value you can provide or how much cheap services you can provide, but your own conditions and spiritual level, and whether you are worth the risk for him to look back again.
Maybe, back then, you were poor and unattractive, and you could move the other person just by "being nice to her" - but when the other party breaks up with you, it has proven that your past relationships are not satisfactory. Those who were once moved by Her things will gradually become numb.
In other words, she is fully prepared to be "moved by you" because she knows that this is your special skill. No matter how attentive you are, the impact on the other party will not be great.
And when will the other party feel the impact? That's when she realized she had lost a rare person.
Only when she can't find anyone better than you in her own conditions will she realize that losing you is unacceptable.
In other words, what she needs is your high value. This value does not necessarily come entirely from actions, because cheap actions have no cost and are not guaranteed. Anyone can obey them temporarily - the value she needs is your true and former self. widening reality gap.
For example, the mentality is more mature, the spirit is nobler, the appearance is more handsome, the ability is more outstanding... These things are the protagonists and determine whether your efforts to recover are effective.
I am Shen Shen, a national second-level psychological counselor, translator of the book "Nonviolent Communication: Gender", member of Dalian Psychological Association, 34 years old, married and with children, and I am willing to share my attitude.
