18 I was in my junior year. Junior students have a characteristic: they really start to face an important choice, namely, whether to continue studying or go to the workplace after graduation. This choice was not difficult for me, because I was very confident that I wanted to study for a postgraduate degree at that time. Moreover, I was not opposed to reading and studying, and soon I adapted to the preparation life of taking the exam in the library. Part of the difficulty of preparing for the exam is reflected in the difficulty of the exam itself, and a large part of it comes from uncertain factors during the exam preparation process. I have experienced all kinds of unexpected situations that every student in the postgraduate entrance examination has experienced, such as the modification of the examination syllabus, the change of the reference book of the school in late September and early October, the reduction of the unified recruitment quota after the school announces the list of recommendations after the registration is completed in November, etc. This kind of accident that occurs every once in a while greatly affects the mentality of preparing for the exam. But a newborn calf is not afraid of a tiger, because it is the first time to prepare for the exam, so there is not so much pressure. Every time I feel sad for a while, I can continue reading and studying. In this way, despite the stuttering, I ended the first exam for the postgraduate entrance examination at the end of 2018. After that, I went home for more than a month to rest. In mid-to-late February, the exam results were announced. I still remember the moment I found the results. Although I thought it was better, my score was already very high, far higher than the re-examination line of the previous year. But before half an hour of happiness, I found that everyone in the exam preparation group reported an outrageously high score, and my mood suddenly fell to the bottom. Even so, I still feel that I can at least enter the re-examination line. As long as I enter the re-examination, I will start over. However, as the statistics continue to be accurate, I found that I almost missed the re-examination. That winter, there was no sun in the south for two or three months. The sky was as gloomy as if it was pressing on my heart, and the surroundings were gray every day. I still didn't give up, and I still bit the bullet and prepared for the re-examination. Just for the slightest possibility of the re-examination, I even spent money to sign up for a re-examination class of the previous senior. The scores of the re-examination were announced one after another in early March. While continuing to wait for the difficult process of school and theaters, I nervously carried out my re-examination preparations. In this way, the re-examination plan was finally announced. In the end, the college determined the re-examination list at a ratio of 1:3. I saw my name at the end of the list. Because everyone's scores are very close, and the proportion of the first and second trials is also 1:1, and there are news that the recruitment may be expanded in the group, so I hinted that I must do my best. Finally, the re-examination was launched in late March. That morning was the written test session of the re-examination. As soon as I started, each of them sent a piece of draft paper. At that time, I realized something was wrong. As expected, the form of the test paper has changed. The questions are much more difficult than the professional courses in the first exam. When I handed in the paper, I even saw that some students had large blank spaces in the test paper. The interview format in the afternoon was very different from previous years. The questions asked in professional courses were very comprehensive, and I also staggered and left the classroom after answering the questions. I found a roadside chair on campus and sat down and gasped for a while, feeling that I might still have no fate with this school. A few days later, the teacher informed me that I was not admitted, so I said thank you and hung up the phone. The feeling at that time was, it was finally over, unexpectedly and as expected. Although I had experienced the entire process of the postgraduate entrance examination in full, the result seemed to be announcing that my processes were meaningless. In early April, I returned to school to prepare for my graduation thesis, defense, graduation photos, and regained my fitness habit. The first failure did not seem to have a significant impact on me. I never shed tears from beginning to end, so I graduated in early June and went home. After graduation, I rejected all other possibilities. Some friends advised me to find a job and change the environment, and some friends wanted to take me on a graduation trip, but I refused. I firmly prepared to take the postgraduate entrance examination again to make up for my previous shortcomings, just like I firmly refused to adjust after the re-examination failed. I gave up other solutions for no reason, like an instinct. Later I realized that when my self-consciousness was not awakened, we were all making decisions based on instinct.There is no big problem in making the decision to take the postgraduate exam again. The problem is that among these persuasions, I paid a huge price for one of them. That was when I was very blind and confident, thinking that I was just not lucky and had no big problems with my studies, so I decided to prepare for the exam at home. At that time, my family suggested whether I would sign up for a class or study in a school or a library, but I didn't accept it. They also believed in my consciousness. So since July, I started studying, reading books at my desk at home every day, and slowly regaining the rhythm of preparing for the exam. Unexpectedly, I was gradually swallowed by huge anxiety. On weekdays, I am the only one at home and rarely go out, so I gradually feel tired. In the beginning of September, I found that it was too late and I blamed myself at home and beat the table, but I still gritted my teeth and spent the efficient September. Just as I felt that the situation began to improve, I suddenly changed my school to apply for, and it was too late to change schools, and that anxiety came again. Finally, at lunch, I felt nauseous and vomited continuously. I vomited every time I took a bite, and finally collapsed to the ground and cried loudly. This scene scared my parents. I still regret why I didn’t control myself and responded so much. I struggled to calm my emotions, and my parents also went home at noon every day to cook for me, and slowly returned to normal. In terms of study, facing two or three new professional courses, I made a plan for myself. Fortunately, I learned the other three courses well, and I felt that it was still time to seize the time. But the environment does not allow me to implement my plan resolutely. It is difficult to quickly accept new knowledge. We all like to review old knowledge, and it is very difficult to break out of our comfort zone. So I became more and more giving up. Gradually, I couldn't get up on time and started to spend time aimlessly on the Internet. By the end of November, I had a complete outbreak, my condition was extremely poor, and I collapsed all day and night, lost my appetite, and was restless. My mother took a long vacation to go home to take care of me. Although she was taking care of me, I understood that she was afraid that I would go to a dead end. Time is still moving forward, and the exam days are getting closer and closer. My family made a decision for me, and I finally gave up on the exam and did not go to the exam room. So far, I can't say exactly whether this decision is right or wrong, but I had lost the ability to make decisions at that time. I remember that my father said at that time, "We won't take the exam anymore, I will make this decision for you, and I will be responsible for what happens." I looked at my father who said this, as if he had grabbed a life-saving straw. If he gave up, he would not have to struggle in this swamp, and I was relieved. So my second postgraduate entrance examination also ended in failure. In order to avoid anxiety, I reapplyed for a WeChat account and never clicked on Weibo to minimize my social density. I started to spend some time with myself. All things can only be seen clearly when standing on the opposite side of it, and the same is true for people. Only when they face losses can they know what they have. At this point, I lost my identity as a fresh graduate, lost my chance to get into a graduate student, lost my healthy body, and my weight dropped sharply. The most important thing is that I lost my self-confidence and gradually began to think about things, always thinking about metaphysical problems, and ultimately, I naturally lost my passion for life. Of course, for many people who are suffering, my experience is not worth mentioning at all, but for me, I encountered the first systematic setback in my life. But it was this experience that made me realize my existence for the first time. I found how small I was. With or without me, the world would run as usual. It would not stop to soothe my emotions; at the same time, I found how important I was. When I stood in the abyss, looking up desperately, I clearly saw that my family and friends were looking at me gently, reaching out and smiling to hug me.
I started to see something I never saw. It turns out that my understanding of myself is superficial. Sometimes the people around me know me better than me, and their kind reminder is evidence. And I always refuse to accept these possibilities and the opportunity to make myself better.It is precisely because of this instinctive rejection that I habitually live in the imaginary self-consciousness. This self-consciousness has never taken root, but has floated in the sky. Once an external crisis occurs, it will be completely eliminated. Then you will become restless and often have bad negative thoughts until the true self-awareness is established, and it is failure that gives this true self-awareness space to grow. Of course, this kind of self-awareness can not be achieved in one or two days, but at least it has begun. As the epidemic spread, I stayed at home for several months and began to think about what to do next. At first, I made up my mind to go out and find a job, but the community was closed until mid-March. In fact, my family knows very well that I still want to study in my heart. They know that I don’t say it on the surface, but I still can’t let go of this. So my father suggested that I try to take the postgraduate entrance examination again. I was very surprised at the time, and at the same time, I felt like I was rekindled my enthusiasm. I was very confused during the half month and didn't know which road was suitable for me, but in the end I burst into tears on the sofa anxiously. I don’t know why I have become more crying than before. I haven’t cried once in four years in college, but I have cried several times after graduation. Finally I decided to take the exam again. This time, the first thing I thought of was to apply for an boarding school, , because the university libraries are basically closed, so I still want to find a place with a learning atmosphere. While looking for a boarding school, I went out to the library near my home to read the books first. A month later, I gradually adapted to the library environment, so I told my family that I would prepare for the exam in the library. My family said it was very good, but they wanted to go and take a look. If it were a year ago, I would definitely refuse their idea of going to go and take a look, but this time I said nothing. Later I heard them say that they went to see me study quietly, and then I felt relieved. So the long preparation for the exam began again. My biggest enemy of this preparation for the exam was not the knowledge, but burnout and anxiety. I tried hard to get out of my comfort zone one by one to make up for my shortcomings. I met a few classmates in the library, and everyone prepared for the exam together, and there was basically no pressure. It was September, and unexpected surprises came one after another. First, there was a modification of the examination form and examination syllabus, and then the replacement of professional courses. But this time I was not so panicked, allocating time to solve the problem according to the plan, and there was not much emotional fluctuation. But that’s still the same problem. To get out of your comfort zone is a process that must be continuous. In the face of a brand new professional course, I made another mistake of delaying and missed the best time to prepare for the exam. Fortunately, I was well prepared for other subjects in the early stage. After November, I spent all my time on professional courses. Even so, the complex content still made my anxiety grow day by day. By the end of November, I couldn't bear it anymore and released my emotions in front of my parents, but I didn't cry. They seemed as expected and did not persuade me to give up after I vented, but said that I would hold on. This time I had to finish the exam no matter what, otherwise you would be ruined after giving up one after another. I calmed down and went to the library to study every day as if nothing had happened. In the last twenty days, I stayed up late until dawn every day, endorsing endlessly, and making up for the shortcomings of professional courses as much as possible. On the day I went to the exam room, I couldn't see anything in the booked hotel, so I thought I'd better give up. I was so scared because I hadn't finished reading my professional courses. I began to regret it again. If I could work harder, I might have finished reading it. My parents kept telling me on the phone that I must take the exam and that it was my biggest task to finish the exam smoothly. I gritted my teeth and went to the exam room. On the first day, I finished the question in a very relaxed state. That night, facing the professional course exam tomorrow afternoon, I began to be shrouded in anxiety again. Lying in bed and crying, I didn't fall asleep all night. The next day, even when I arrived at the entrance of the test site, I was still afraid to go in, as if I had stepped in and declared my failure. In the end, I went in. While waiting, I flipped through the books casually, but still couldn't read anything. This is how the professional course exam started.When I opened the test paper, I found that the questions were unexpectedly basic. I only took a few tests that I had not finished. I realized that I could do this paper. So I tried my best to answer the questions until the last second, and after finally sealing the test paper, I breathed a sigh of relief. I finished the exam smoothly, and it didn't seem that difficult. I walked out of the school gate and saw my father picking me up. I felt so sad that I didn't know what it felt, but I still squeezed out a smile to respond to the hand he waved at me. It was a torment to wait for the results, but I had predicted the failure long ago, but I was very calm. On the day I scored, I checked the scores very calmly. The professional courses were very low, but they were better than I expected. I originally thought I would definitely not even pass the national line, but the total score was OK. This time I was very cautious and waited until the news in the group stabilized before I was sure that I could enter the re-examination. The next day, I went to the library and started preparing for the re-examination, first of all, to make up for the professional courses. Since it was an online interview and the re-examination schedule was very hasty, there were only more than 20 days to prepare for the exam. Despite this, I still struggled to make up for the professional courses. The sky cleared the day after the re-examination. I went to a small park nearby and the flowers were in full bloom. I realized that spring was coming. Finally, in late March, I was admitted. What exactly does
failure mean to us? Is failure used to teach us to hate life? I think this is just a side effect of failure. I admit that people who have experienced failures, especially those who have experienced successive failures, have subtle changes in their attitudes towards life compared to those who have been smooth sailing. That feeling of anxiety and humiliation will be engraved into our genes and cannot be eliminated or completely dispelled by a short success. But we should realize that past experiences are part of our lives, especially the experiences after failures are our chance to re-recognize ourselves. People who fail are unwilling to speak, they are keen to talk to themselves, and then finally find themselves. Can failure definitely make us better? Not necessarily. We don’t need failure to become the mother of success, we just need to regard it as a part of our life, and it is an indispensable but ordinary part. Don’t ignore it or magnify it. It doesn't seem so easy to say, but it's not as difficult as imagined. I wish everyone can live a peaceful life.
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