Parents are too good, and sometimes it is a "disaster" for children |

author | Liu Na

broadcast | Wu Bingjie

visual design | Fan Wei

column host | Du Runnan

Last weekend, an old man came to me.

said he was a man, but he was actually four or five years older than me. He was an excellent and capable person.

In the 1990s, he was admitted to Fudan University with the third place in the school. Today, he is still the leader of the unit and his work is outstanding.

But his biggest worry is his son who is in middle school. In his own words,

has not inherited his advantages at all:

is not as smart as him, not as good as him in academic performance, not as good as him in enduring hardship, and not as good as him in self-discipline and hard work.

"At that time, I never made my parents worry about my studies. I started to endorse my books every day before dawn. Sometimes I went up the mountain to herd cattle after reading. I didn't forget to mow the pigs when the cattle were grazing.

Children, do not do housework, just learn a lesson, and still learn a mess.

At that time, there were no TV phones, and I read few extracurricular books. I studied well in junior high school and the teacher gave me a set. Teacher assistant, I can afford to turn over the rough edges of that set of books, so that which problem later, how to solve, there are several solutions, on which page and side, are all engraved in my mind.

, a child now, You buy the book, put it on his desk, and ask him to read it, but he may not take it seriously.

is practical, hardworking, hard-working, working hard, and becoming a useful person. These words are told to the child every day. As a result, he gives On the other hand, you are impetuous, lazy, sloppy, almost all you need to do, and it's the end of the deal..." Brother

said angrily, where is the problem? Why is the child so rebellious?

I watched. He, who is highly respected and high-spirited in public, suddenly showed a fragile and helpless side. Suddenly he felt particularly kind and couldn't help laughing:

"Hahaha...the problem is with you."

He was dissatisfied: "Why is the problem with me?"

I said: "Yes, you are wrong. You are wrong too right. Every time you recall your diligence and glory, your children will In the self-sufficiency, there will be more disgust and powerlessness .

is a perfect and correct nagging about you. The child is unable to empathize with him, so he will resist, and simply break the jar and smash . Is the

kid taking revenge on you? Yes. The

child is reminding you: You are his father, not his answer.

He needs your empathy and seeing, not your arrogance and arrogance. Open your heart and let the child see Parents are not superlative gods, but true and credible people .

children from us have seen and accepted, understanding and resonance, a sense of belonging and security, only then will they identify with us, trust us, and like us."

Too good parents are sometimes a "disaster" for their children. When

was in psychology class, I watched this video:

has a mother from a famous family, who has a master's degree from a prestigious university and an executive in a world-renowned company.

Her husband is a well-known scholar and has made great achievements in the professional field. The video of

was taken when their son was less than one year old:

lived in a big house with luxurious decoration and expensive furniture. The children’s room was filled with various toys.

When the child is asleep, his mother reads books, drinks tea and flips through magazines gracefully. After the child wakes up, his mother will hold him in her arms and gently comfort him.

However, this is a particularly crying child. Even if he is held in his arms by his mother, the little guy is still crying and making trouble. His mother has tried everything to coax him, but he just keeps crying. A shocking scene of

happened:

's mother bluntly threw the child onto the bed, looking very irritable and angry.

Later, the camera turned around. After more than 20 years, the child grew up as a young man. His condition was very bad. Not only was he frustrated with school and work, but he also suffered from serious mental illness and even committed suicide several times. The

psychologist found through follow-up investigations that the scene of being thrown on the bed by his mother was just a silhouette of the child's growth.

In this child’s 20 years of growth, his almost perfect mother, facing him soiled the sheets,Wetting pants, writing wrong homework, staggering friends, smashing grades in exams, and finding not-so-good jobs all showed uncontrollable anger.

even, when the child fails to meet the high standards required by her, her mother goes on a hunger strike without eating, slaps herself and cries, and keeps saying:

"I ask you so for your own good, and expect you to be a good person!" "What is the biggest harm

this mother does to her child? The answer to

is: is an excellent girl, and she is obsessed with perfection in her heart.

is this obsession, which makes her regard the child's "imperfection" as her own imperfection, which in turn creates a sense of frustration. It was this sense of frustration that caused her to accumulate too much anger, and then the anger returned to her closest child.

is this kind of backlash, which eventually turned her originally smart and lovely child into a person with a serious mental illness.

There are not one but many parents like her.

Those children who lose their childlike innocence and eagerness prematurely are not often unsupervised, but very unfortunately met a too perfect parent.

"I am excellent in a certain aspect, so I believe that my child must also be gifted in this respect;"

"I am successful and decent in self-discipline, so I feel that children must not be reduced to ordinary;"

"I have a respectable job, my child There must also be something to do..."

Just because all these expectations start with "I", they unknowingly become a kind of injury.

Excellent parents are not wrong. What is wrong is that they fall into self-righteous excellence and arbitrarily break the wings of their children.

The expectation of parents is also love. What

is afraid of is that this expectation has become an excessive expectation, and in the actual confrontation, it has become a child abuse.

is obviously very good, but he never falls into the narcissistic narcissism, and points out his children's life. Instead,

shoulders the responsibility of his own generation in a calm expression. In letting go and loving, he has quietly passed on the outstanding qualities to the child who feels the love and brave the future. Responsible Editor of

| Jia Wenyi