In order to allow children to grow up healthily, parents will definitely give them enough love, but love must also pay attention to methods and methods. If the correct method of love is not adopted, it will become spoiling. Many parents cannot distinguish the difference between spoiling and loving. , Doting is not too much love, but the parents do the things that should belong to the children instead of the children.
What is the difference between love and doting? Let's find out!
Let’s take a look at 10 common ways of spoiling first:
1. Special treatment
Children have a superior status in the family and are given special care everywhere. Such a child feels special and is accustomed to being superior, and will inevitably become selfish, lack compassion, and will not care about others.
2. Pay too much attention to the
family always take care of him, accompany him, and treat the child as the center of the family. Such a child considers himself a "little sun". The family members have to circle around him, and are restless all day long, their attention is extremely distracted, and "people are crazy" may be particularly serious.
3. Easily satisfy
children what they want. This kind of child will inevitably develop a bad personality that does not cherish items, pay attention to material comfort, waste money, and is not considerate of others, and has no patience and hardship spirit.
4. Lazy life
allows children to eat, live, play and learn irregularly, whatever they want. When such children grow up, they lack self-motivatedness, are easy to live, and do things in a hurry, with beginning but no end.
5. Pray and ask
to coax and beg. The child's psychology is that the more you beg him, the more he can't behave. Not only can he fail to distinguish right from wrong, he can't cultivate a sense of responsibility and a generous personality, but the prestige of education is also lost.
6. Instead of
, take care of the labor and housework that the child should learn. Three or four-year-old children still have to feed and don’t know how to dress. Five- or six-year-old children don’t do any housework, let alone the joy of labor and the responsibility of helping their parents reduce their burdens. Such an arrangement will inevitably lose a hardworking, kind, compassionate, capable and motivated child.
7. The fuss
was originally "newborn calves are not afraid of tigers". Children are not afraid of water, dark, wrestling, or sickness... However, some children get up and continue to play silently after falling. And some children are timid and cry, which is often caused by parents being too nervous. The end result of pampering is that the children will not let their parents take a step. These children were branded as cowardly.
8. Deprivation of independence
For absolute safety, parents will not let their children go out of the house, nor allow him to play with other children. What's more, children cannot leave their parents or the elderly one step at all times. Such a child will become timid and incompetent, lose self-confidence, develop a mentality of dependence, and often become a "stalker", domineering at home, and timid outside, causing serious personality defects.
9. Fear of crying
to accommodate children from an early age, and coerce their parents with crying, sleeping, and skipping meals when the child is unhappy. Doting parents have no choice but to coax, surrender, obey, and accommodate. Parents who are afraid of their children crying are incompetent parents; children who beat and scold their parents will become ruthless rebellious children, sowing the seeds of selfishness, ruthlessness, willfulness and lack of self-control in their character.
10. To protect
face-to-face sometimes parents control their children: "Don't be too strict, he is still young." "Don't ask too quickly, he will be fine when he grows up." Of course, such children are "unable to teach"! Because he has no ideas about right and wrong, and he has "protective umbrellas" and "refuges" from time to time. The consequences are not only distorted children's personality, but also sometimes cause family discord. The 10 forms of spoiling above
are more typical examples, not all of them exist in every family, but the general family will have several kinds of spoiling.
Parents who refuse to let go,
can’t raise excellent children.
The saying "cannot spoil a child" has a long history. We often only understand it literally. We think "to spoil too much", so we deduced that "not spoiling is Love less".
Many parents believe in this, but in fact, this is exactly how we are confused-love and doting are not one thing, but two completely different things.
The essence of doting is to control, and the essence of love is to give freedom.
"Doting" is not "too much love" but "too much control and arrangement under the name of love".
How does spoiling come about?
We have a proverb called "the deepest love, the utmost responsibility". Many parents tend to be intoxicated by the happiness of "giving", but they don't realize that this has entered the other extreme, becoming "alternative parents."
deprives a child of his independence and makes decisions for him in life, such as making friends, studying, and playing. This is "spoiling", possession and control under the cloak of love.
Adults manage their children according to their own will, and the psychological basis behind it is fear and distrust.
is as small as dressing and eating, as large as choosing a career and choosing a spouse. Many parents have endless talk of "I am for your good" and "You have to listen to me"-on the surface, it is a lot for the children, but in essence It deprived the child of his freedom in every detail.
In education, "spoiling" is exactly anti-"love", so it is also anti-educational laws, which will hinder the development of children's normal potential, deprive children of the right to experience life in person, and make children lose a lot of life ability. This is why Children who are "doted" will have many problems. How does
distinguish between love and doting?
Maternal love has two most important tasks. The first is to be intimate with the child and care for the growth of the child; the second is to separate from the child to promote the growth of the child.
If “spoiling” is to control, arrange, and criticize, it deprives children of the right to experience life and forcing them to lose the ability to live; “love” means to give children freedom, tolerance and appreciation, and to accompany children to gain experience in life slowly.
Freedom = the right to choose, experiment, and make mistakes
Freedom to children is not laissez-faire, let alone "do what you want", but to give children the right to choose, try and make mistakes, so that children can get the life experience necessary for growth. When a child gets full love from his parents and builds up a full sense of trust, he can always get the understanding and help of his parents when he encounters problems, and he will naturally express attachment and trust to his parents.
loves a child, cannot do without being considerate to him, treat the child with a cheerful and open-minded attitude, the child will adjust himself-redundant reminders and comfort only satisfy the parents, but give the child distrust and humiliation.
To love children is to respect children, to be clear about the boundaries between us and children, to understand what we should do, and what we should allow children to do on their own. Getting along with children will become simpler and parent-child relationship will be more harmonious.
Please believe that the less you control and the more you let go, the better your child will be.
How to handle the measure of letting go?
The growth of children is not entirely dependent on the fine control of their parents, because they believe that each life is independent, so you can let go. The principle of
"let go" is that in front of every specific matter, don't control, but guide; don't have too much trace, try to be as traceless as possible; don't doubt, believe; don't interfere, but accept. Above the bottom line of morality and safety, parents should let their children do whatever they like to do. Only in this way can children become individuals with independent thinking and the ability to find their own way of life.
You let your child do it and try it on her own, trusting her ability to make choices and self-correction. Even if the child is not doing well in some things, even if the child is really wrong, you have to allow her to make mistakes and accept her bad things peacefully. Don't be afraid of failure, because failure is often valuable. Don't make mistakes, where does the child know what is right and what is not.
You and your child are two completely independent people. You are equal. Don't treat your child as your accessory or subordinate. You must respect his independent choice.
Don’t hold on to the unilateral thinking mode of "My thoughts are right, and those who disagree with me are wrong; I am for your own good, and if you don’t follow me, you’re wrong." Your own ideas are imposed on the child, please be patient with him and slowly get the experience of life, please allow the child to grow up "slowly".
Psychologically, we must give children the most firm support. Trust and appreciation are the greatest support and the most sincere love. Don't rush to ask your child to be obedient, but learn to be an "obedient" parent, listen to your child's needs, and try to meet him in time. ParentsPeaceful, the more obedient the child; the weaker the parent, the stronger the child becomes; only when the parent converges, the child's pattern will become bigger.
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