After dinner, my son picked up his cell phone and went to the bathroom very naturally. Hadn't come out in half an hour. Isn’t this playing games in the toilet? Is it thinking about life in the toilet?

After supper, my son picked up his phone and went to the bathroom very naturally. Hadn't come out in half an hour. Isn’t this playing games in the toilet? Is it thinking about life in the toilet?

My heart suddenly became angry: "Why don't you come out soon! Have you finished your homework?"

"This is coming out!" my son replied. Five minutes passed, and the door in the toilet was still closed. My anger became stronger and stronger, and my tone became more stiff: "If you don't come out again, I'll throw my phone!" A parent-child war broke out.

This scene is often performed at home. The mother regards the mobile phone as a beast, and the son regards the mobile phone as his beloved baby.

Mom is full of anger, why doesn’t the child know that at least put down his phone and focus on learning? My son was full of grievances. He was too tired after studying for a day. He finally had a rest for a while and could play with his cell phone and relax. Often the two sides quarreled and parted.

Until I read "Who Says I Can't" published by Sichuan People's Publishing House , I realized that I did not deal with this matter in a way to solve the problem, but instead found my anger at will.

My son’s behavior of looking at his mobile phone stimulated me, and my instant reaction was to get angry. In fact, there was a buffer zone between seeing the child’s behavior and my reaction.

Victor Frankel believes: "There is a space between stimulation and response, where we can exercise our choice and decide how we react. Our reaction contains our development and freedom."

Anger is an involuntary and unconscious reaction. Jacqueline Cooppen, author of "Who Says I Can't", believes that if we consciously respond to the stimulus, instead of letting the brain react, we can gain inner freedom, and be liberated from the automatic cyclic mechanism of stimulation response , and then choose a better way of coping.

Many times we do not realize our self-consuming, and are consuming a lot of our energy, involuntarily dominating our thinking, cognition and beliefs.

German psychological coach, self-efficacy expert and coach Jacqueline Cooppen, calls this kind of self-interference destructive behavior called self-destruction. For example, if you want to lose weight, but you eat wildly in the next meal; if you want to study, you start playing with your phone; if you want to exercise in the morning, you frequently make excuses for yourself, such as getting up late and not finding sports shoes. When we make a plan before it has begun to be realized, the villain in our hearts begins to destroy ourselves, blocking our pace towards our goals and plans.

So how to stop this self-destruction and move towards the life you want. Jacqueline Cooppen wrote his research and clinical experience into the book "Who Says I Can't". He said that it was the cause and solution of my destruction. In plain language, we can learn and use methods to solve the problem of self-destruction. Everyone can have a firm, confident, free, happy and happy life.

First of all, you must learn to be conscious and self-aware. When you encounter problems, first accept your emotions and then ask "What do I feel now?" This exercise can confirm that you can improve your attention. "What am I thinking now?" I sort out my thinking from the perspective of self-observation. "How do I feel now?" This is a way to deal with emotions and cultivate emotional control. "What am I going to say now?" Express in interesting language to enhance expression skills. "What am I going to do now?" reminds us to act decisively, develop the habit of acting immediately, and refuse to procrastinate.

How to develop the habit of self-awareness? It is a model of self-awareness and ending self-destruction through five elements: cognition, thinking, feeling, language and action.

Then cultivate positive thinking ability so that our thinking can clearly realize what we are doing.

So how to determine the consciousness of thinking? Or a very useful method is given, which is to determine the position of your thinking.

determines the position of thinking from the time level, reality connection level, perspective level and framework level respectively. After determining the position of our thinking, we can guide our thinking more effectively and improve our feelings.

For example, I was very angry when I saw my child playing with his mobile phone. At this time, the focus of time is on the present. Why am I angry? It was because I was afraid of delaying his studies. At this time, I was standing in the future and had an uncertain fear of the future. What I saw was his behavior of playing with his mobile phone, and he paid attention to the details. That is, on the visual level, without looking at his life on a higher level. I made an impossible framework for playing with mobile phones, which means that just playing with mobile phones will definitely affect learning. The original thinking pattern framed me in a negative way.

With these four thinking positions, you can effectively guide your own thinking and avoid being controlled by unconscious spontaneous struggle behaviors, thereby effectively and rationally solving problems.

"Who Says I Can't" is an effective manual that can solve self-destruction and self-internal friction. By disassembling some of our unconscious behaviors in daily life, we provide some ways and methods that can be applied. Everyone uses their own positive thinking consciousness to dominate their lives and live the independent and autonomous life we ​​want.

(the above picture is from the Internet)