"Why don't you eat yet? You can't go out to play today?" Seeing that Xiaodou has not come to eat, my mother said angrily. "I'm so busy every day. I'm cooking for you and asking you to stop coming to eat several times. Do you have some self-consciousness?"

"Why don't you eat yet? You can't go out to play today?" Seeing that Xiaodou has not come to eat, my mother said angrily.

"I am so busy every day, I prepare food for you and ask you to stop coming to eat several times. Do you have some self-consciousness?" As if I feel unhappy, my mother said again.

"You can't let me save snacks. I'm not active in eating, and I don't like to clean myself. Look at your hands, don't know how to wash before eating?" Mom became more and more excited.

"Look at you, put the things randomly, and the table and sofa are all full of them. Clean up! After packing up, eat!" My mother was more and more excited.

Suddenly, I didn’t know what my mother thought of, so she slapped Xiaodou in the face, "Are you a fool? Can’t you hurry up?" After saying that, she showed an extremely angry expression on her face.

At this time, Xiaodou was completely confused. He didn't even know what big mistake he had made, which caused his mother to be so angry.

However, because my mother was in a very bad state at this time, Xiaodou was tactful and didn't say anything. Xiaodou did whatever her mother asked her to do, that's all. Xiaodou didn't know what she had made mistakes, didn't know why her mother did this, and didn't know what was right or what was wrong. Anyway, as long as my mother asked her to do it, she would do it herself.

For everyone, is Xiaodou’s mother very hysterical? Very unreasonable? Is he an irresponsible parent?

In fact, this situation is not uncommon in life for Xiaodou mother. Even in family education , this situation is common, and almost every parent has this behavior or continues to exist.

Some parents may feel that they are not such a person and will not use this method to educate their children. However, if you think about it carefully, you will find that they have also had such problems and punished their children in this way. So, is this punishment correct?

In terms of punishing children, parents generally use two punishment methods, one is direct punishment and the other is indirect punishment.

01 Direct punishment

Comenius once said: "People who make mistakes should be punished, but the reason they should be punished is not because they make mistakes, but in order not to make them again in the future."

and direct punishment is the act of punishing children's mistakes, and its goal is very clear.

What is a direct punishment

Direct punishment is that parents impose relevant punishments on the mistakes they make for their children. For example, when it comes to dinner, the parents ask their children to eat, but the children are watching TV on their own and never come to eat, and they don’t even come until they finish the meal.

At this time, parents punished their children for not coming to eat: "It's time for dining now, and there is no food anymore, so if you want to eat, you can only wait until the next meal."

Parents' punishment for their children is the matter of not eating, and there is no meal as a punishment. The themes surrounding them are all about eating, and there is no other issue involved, such as children watching TV, going out to play, etc. This targeted punishment behavior of "to things but not people" is a direct punishment.

Direct punishment effect

The positive effect of direct punishment is obvious. Children can learn about the nature of their mistakes at the first time, and can understand the consequences of their wrong behaviors, feel the impact of wrong behaviors on themselves, and thus deeply realize their mistakes.

Since this punishment method allows children to clarify their own problems in the fastest time and can learn from educators the specific ways to correct mistakes, the direct punishment is very effective and can allow children to effectively correct their mistakes.

Features of direct punishment

There are three main features of direct punishment:

• can enable children to quickly understand their own mistakes through punishment, and understand that there is a causal relationship between errors and punishment.
• can help children recognize the key points of their own mistakes, understand the impact of mistakes on themselves, and establish corresponding awareness of right and wrong.
• Targeted punishment will make it easier for children to accept, and truly recognize their mistakes, be willing to correct them, and accumulate experience for their children's healthy growth.

02 Indirect punishment

Fang Xiaoru once said: "Is there any wise man under the whip tube?" When facing children's mistakes, parents have to punish them, if punishments that are not related to the error correction are made, the educational effect will usually not be very good.

What is indirect punishment

Indirect punishment is actually like Xiaodou parents' punishment. The content of this punishment has no direct connection with the mistakes made by the children.

is like eating and going out to play. There is no direct connection between the two. This punishment method is indirect punishment, and the content of the punishment is not helpful for correcting children's mistakes.

The effect of indirect punishment

When children are indirectly punished, they are prone to a typical "confusion" problem, because indirect punishment is not targeted, the content of the punishment is not related to the error, and the child cannot understand his own error factors from the punishment. Therefore, even if the parents impose punishment, the child still does not know what mistakes he made, which leads to the invalidity of the punishment.

At the same time, children will also suffer from "unreasonable" punishment, or even a series of unreasonable punishments, resulting in some emotions such as panic, fear, helplessness, etc., which are not conducive to the healthy growth of children and the maintenance of parent-child relationships.

Indirect punishment characteristics

Indirect punishment characteristics are also very obvious. It has a lot of impact on children's negativeness:

① Because there is no direct connection between punishment and error, this will cause children to be unable to clearly recognize their own mistakes, and even misunderstand their own mistakes, which will cause children to "add mistakes to mistakes".

②Indirect punishment is poor because of poor targeting. When a child has a strong self-awareness and has established a certain view of right and wrong, it may lead to weakening of the parent-child relationship or induce the child's growth problem due to inappropriate punishment.

③Indirect punishment contains strong emotional factors and is easy to intensify conflicts, which is not conducive to the development of children's habits and personality.

Overall, the impact of indirect punishment on children is negative, while direct punishment has positive effects.

Therefore, when it is necessary to punish children, parents should pay attention to implementing direct punishment and do not use indirect punishment.

Of course, many times, children do things wrong, and do not have to be punished, because the reasons for children's mistakes are different, and parents also need to analyze the specific situation in detail.

03 Children do wrong things, and do not have to be punished. If this way, the child will benefit more

Wei Yuan said: "Teaching people is to become a person's strengths and eliminate others' weaknesses."

So when children do wrong things, parents need to know how to make their children achieve the greatest growth effect, rather than having to punish their children.

For ability errors, we should focus on improving children's

Because children lack their own knowledge reserves, life experience, etc., they are likely to encounter some things beyond their own abilities when doing things, which leads to errors in things.

When dealing with such mistakes, parents first need to know one thing, that is, the child’s mistakes are not caused by the child’s subjective consciousness, but by the child’s lack of ability. Perhaps it is the child’s lack of strength, perhaps it is the child’s lack of experience, or perhaps it is the child’s unequal thinking. These factors that lead to mistakes are objective. At most, children’s mistakes are considered to be “doing bad things with good intentions”, and in essence, the child is still positive.

Therefore, it is not recommended that parents punish their children for this purpose, as this will discourage their children's enthusiasm and even cause wrong understanding.

The best way for parents to treat this kind of mistake is to help their children improve their abilities, strengthen their knowledge reserves, accumulate experiences, and allow their children to grow themselves, thereby avoiding similar mistakes.

For cognitive errors, you should pay attention to improving your child's self-awareness

Children's understanding of themselves is very important. If the child cannot form a correct understanding of himself, then making mistakes will be inevitable.

is like what some older parents often say, "I don't know how much you weigh." Although this sentence is not very nice, it reveals a basic problem for children to make mistakes. Children neglect to understand themselves, which leads to the occurrence of mistakes.

In addition, children sometimes have too much confidence, which is also a kind of wrong self-awareness, which may lead to children forming a arrogant personality. Arrogant children are more likely to make mistakes and are more likely to "show off" and do things that they know they can't do, which leads to mistakes.

Therefore, parents should pay attention to improving their children's self-awareness. Only by knowing themselves and others can they win every battle.

For principled errors, we should pay attention to reasonable punishment and correction

If the child makes a principled error, such as Xiaodou's mistake of "not eating at meal time", it requires parents to correct it with reasonable punishment.

Because in this type of mistake, the child is obviously capable of avoiding mistakes. At the same time, the child also clearly understands that his behavior is incorrect, but the child chooses to make mistakes. This is a principled mistake. Parents need to use punishment to deepen their impressions and understand the negative consequences of principled mistakes, so as to avoid making them again in the future.

04 Conclusion

As a way to educate children, punishment is actually not suitable for frequent use. The best way is to first guide flexiblely, strengthen affirmation and encouragement of children, and keep children in a positive state, so that children will correct their mistakes more effectively.

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