Raising children is like playing games, fighting monsters and upgrading...
One day you suddenly find that a child's skill has skyrocketed: Fight against parents!
That's right. From that day on, no matter what parents ask for, they will refuse - let them eat, not eat; let them take a bath, not wash...
As they grow older, they like to act independently, have their own ideas for everything they do, and they also have to follow their own ideas; they especially like to sing opposites to their parents and not obey the command.
PART.01 bath or game? I have to listen to her
. In the matter of taking a bath, the current scene in our house is like this: I gave a reminder to my daughter who was watching TV at the bathroom door: "The time for bathing is up!" My daughter reacted very quickly, basically pause the TV - flip through the toy cabinet - wear slippers , one click and three consecutively, and it was done in one go. Just when she was rummaging through the toy cabinet, she always had to delay for a while: picking up an hourglass: "Can Mom take this in and take a shower?" I: "No!" I changed to a Rubik's Cube: "Where is this?" I: "No!" I changed to a doll in a doctor's toy: "Where is this?" I: "Yes!" Only after I got my permission, she would run over. She would also ask me for help in the bathtub: "Mom, help me take that syringe down!" The magical thing was that she could remember exactly what was there, although the toys she brought in and out every day might be different. In this bathing game, all I can do is cooperate with the performance, and I am an actor who cannot have any personal ideas. If she asks me to be a patient, I have to be a patient. She said that if I get hurt, I have to pretend that finger is injured. Once I don’t follow her request, this game will seriously affect the sleeping stage. Once, I forced her game to interrupt, but the result was that she was in a low mood and she was rummaging and flipping around in bed at night, which made me feel upset and unable to sleep. Since then, we basically reached an agreement: she is the director, I am an actor, each performing his duties and being at peace.
Many children may have their own fixed procedures for doing things like my daughter. For example, if you have to stand on a stool when brushing your teeth, wear a certain pajama when sleeping, and use a certain bowl when eating...
Once her process is destroyed, she will feel very uncomfortable. The mild one is depressed, and the severe one may make a big fuss.
This is simply unreasonable in the eyes of many adults, especially the elderly.
Isn’t it just a different bowl to eat? What a big deal, your child is so pretentious. It’s all because of the good life now. These problems are all spoiled by parents. If you have to put them in the past, you can’t eat enough or wear warmth. Do you think you have any choice?
Barabala said a lot and put a pretentious label on the child.
When I met a serious elderly person, I was competing with my children, and felt that I had to get rid of this "problem".
PART.02She is my mother! Not yours!
4-year-old Ruirui is in a bad mood recently. His mother is a kindergarten teacher and he goes to school with his mother every day. But kindergartens have regulations that teachers' children cannot be placed in their own class, so Ruirui is absent-minded in her class every day and always wants to go to her mother's class. Finally, one day, he lay on the window and saw his mother taking other children in the playground to play. The children were happy and called "Mom Chen" affectionately at their mother. This made Ruirui anxious. He rushed from the second floor to the playground crying, hugging his mother's thigh with one hand and waving his other hand desperately to beat the children who "snatched" his mother with him. Ruirui's mother was helpless and had to ask the principal for help.The principal chatted with Ruirui for an hour, but Ruirui still insisted on his opinion: that is my mother, and other children cannot call her mother! Finally, after obtaining the consent of Ruirui's mother, the principal decided to implement the so-called "rules and punishment" measures against Ruirui - locking him in the office alone. However, even so, Ruirui still refused to give in. He cried and made a big fuss in the office, insisting that his mother could only be his mother and would never allow others to share it!
There will definitely be people who think: this child is too axial and selfish, it’s all because of one-child policy . If you have multiple children at home, can he still think so?
First of all, the one-child policy does not take the blame.
Secondly, this child may be a bit axial, but you can't say he is too selfish.
In his eyes, mother is his mother and cannot be shared with others. This is natural.
Is there any wrong way for children? Not!
However, some people will definitely agree with the principal's approach and think that "it must be cured today."
PART.03 I'm going to eat Banana Cake , now you want it!
6-year-old Tongtong went home when she was playing crazy in the community. When she saw the food on the table, she said she didn't want to eat it, and insisted that her mother make banana cakes for him immediately. Mom said, "I said, if you want to eat, you must tell your mother in advance. Mom will try to make it for you. But now that the meal is ready, I can only eat these. Mom will make banana cakes for you in the next meal." Tongtong didn't listen. She collapsed on the floor and cried without changing clothes, washing hands, and eating. Mom just repeats calmly: "Mom knows you are unhappy, but now you really can't make banana cakes. If you don't want to eat, then let's eat it first." So, Mom and the rest of the family started eating. Tongtong cried for a while, and saw that no one paid attention to him, and said angrily: "You don't love me, you are a bad mother." Then he ran back to his room and closed the door. Mom still ignored him. Five minutes later, he came out of the room to look for his mother calmly. Mom pretended that nothing had happened and said, "Come on, baby, mom hug!" The two of them had a deep hug. Then, Tongtong said to her mother calmly, "Mom, can you make banana cakes for me tomorrow morning?" Mom answered persistently, "No problem! Mom makes many banana cakes for your baby!" Seeing Tongtong nodding happily, Mom once again emphasized, "Tongtong, you must tell your mother in advance what you want to eat in the future, so that your mother can have time to prepare, and it is too wasteful if you don't eat it, right?" Tongtong: "Well, I understand, Mom, can I eat now?" Mom: "Of course! Mom has also left you a lot of eggs you like."
Many people will think: I am not as patient as Tongtong's mother. If it were me, you would have to eat whatever you do. If it were me, you would have to eat whatever you do. If you are such a big child, you can't be abusive.
Children are children, and they express everything they want to eat and do directly, but their communication method of crying and making trouble can easily arouse others' dissatisfaction.
However, compared with children, we as adults should consciously manage our emotions, rather than be led by the rhythm of our children's emotions.
Just like Tongtong's mother, communicate with your child calmly. If you feel that you can't control your emotions at the moment, you might as well let yourself leave for a while, or like Tongtong running back to the room to stay for a few minutes by herself.
PART.04 Who gave them the courage to do it?
When many people say that their children are difficult to teach, they are prone to fall into two misunderstandings: One is to compare with other people’s children, and the other is to compare with themselves when they were young.
Comparing with other children's achievements, they always say that Xiao Ming is as old as you, and he will jump rope long ago, and you don't know how to do it now.
is more sensible than when I was a child. I always remember the bitterness and sweetness and said to my children, "When I was as old as you, I could already make meals for the whole family and wash clothes for the whole family."
No matter how you compare, it is just to let your child review himself after listening, and then be proactive and become a good child in the eyes of adults.
However, children are not products on the assembly line. They can produce excellent products according to one standard.
Raising children is like playing online games. Those levels that should be passed are set in advance, and those that should be come will definitely come.
When children grow up, the sensitive period that should appear will definitely appear. For example, after the age of 1, start to stumble and touch everywhere, start to paint at the age of 2, start to pretend to read at the age of 3, etc.
And those stubborn and saying no to parents are just manifestations of their stubborn and sensitive period.
3-4 years old is the peak of the outbreak of children's stubborn and sensitive period. Children at this period are often difficult to adapt, and even reach a point that adults cannot understand.
It is like there is a powerful force in their bodies, requiring them to strictly enforce a certain order, and there is no tolerance for any confusion.
The stubborn and sensitive period is a necessary stage for every child to grow up. Some people say that a child in the stubborn and sensitive period is like a "stubborn donkey". The more you pull, the harder the other party will try. Then, it is better to follow his temper and let him move forward steadily in a certain direction.
PART.05How to guide children's stubborn behavior?
First, don’t try to reason with a 3/4-year-old child
reasoning seems to be the fairest way of communication between people, but when facing a child with uncontrolled behavior, you are very wrong to choose to reason with him.
First of all, you must know that the reason why children are children is because in their brains, the left brain responsible for thinking about the logical relationships of things has not yet been developed. At present, their behavior is more driven by the right brain, and the right brain controls a person's intuitive abilities such as intuition, emotion, perception, etc., so they are prone to impulsive and emotional.
Educator Rousseau said that the three most useless educational methods in the world are: reasoning, losing their temper and deliberately moving.
Think about it, when you feel that your child is "fighting against you", does your performance just confirm these three educational methods?
First move and understand it with emotion and reason. If the child doesn't listen, he will get up. After getting angry with the child, he will get angry with himself. He thinks in his heart that when I was so old, I understand everything. What else can you do besides angering me?
is definitely "reasoning - losing your temper - deliberately touching yourself", but I'm really sorry, these tricks don't work for the child.
Second, look at the problem from another perspective, stubbornness is not a bad thing
American Psychological Association once conducted a study. They conducted observation and research on more than 700 children aged 9-12 as experimental subjects. First, they recorded and observed the performance of these children in attention, inferiority , impatience, violations, etc.
40 years later, the same group of experimental participants were observed again to analyze their personality traits and achievements.
This 40-year study found that people with more stubborn and naughty personality in childhood have a higher probability of achieving great success after adulthood.
From another perspective, their behavior of daring to express and insisting on expressing their opinions is a manifestation of having an opinion.
Biologist Mark Rosenzwig did an experiment:
He divided a group of mice with the same genetic qualities into three groups.
The first group was locked in an iron cage of the "standard environment" and fed together.
The second group was locked in an iron cage of a "poor environment", and each was kept alone in captivity, with opaque cages, dim light, and no external stimulation.
The third group was locked in a "rich environment", in which more than a dozen mice were locked in a spacious, well-lit iron cage with toys such as swings and slides.
Research found that those mice in "rich environments" are the most naughty and playful, while mice in "poor environments" are the quietest.
researchers also analyzed the mouse brain and found that the three groups of mice had obvious differences in the thickness of the cerebral cortex, brain cell size, and intelligence-related brain mechanics substances, and the group of mice in the "rich environment" had the most significant advantages.
Similarly, the richer the experience and feelings of human beings in their early childhood, the more they try to participate in, and the more they can stick to what they think, the more perfect their brain development will be.
In other words, as parents, we should try not to prevent or interrupt children's activities at will in the early stages of our children. On the basis of ensuring safety, we should give them the greatest range of freedom and autonomy.
Third, establish rules with your child to teach your child to solve problems more flexibly
Still remember when Tongtong didn't want to have supper and asked her mother to make banana cakes immediately, how did she deal with it?
Calmly accept the child's emotions. When the child is willing to communicate, emphasize the rules about eating: you must say what you want to eat in advance so that your mother can prepare in advance.
Then, my mother gave Tongtong another choice: eat the eggs you like to eat!
This is a typical good way to "build rules to solve problems flexibly".
If the child’s requirements are reasonable, he can try to satisfy him. Since he can make his own insistence, he will definitely have his own reasons. While letting him say the reasons, he is helping him learn to establish rules.
For example, you must play with toys when taking a bath, then the rule is to play with toys that can be soaked in water, etc.
While respecting children's independent exploration, use more words of positive encouragement and less words of negative restriction.
For example, you can try whether the toy will become bad in water, and then decide whether it can be played while taking a shower.
In short, even if children in the stubborn and sensitive period are prone to being furious, what they need most is our understanding and support, rather than suppression or denial.
Obedient and obedient should not be the only criterion for good children.
Those seemingly stubborn children have many highlights waiting for us to discover:
Persistence, opinionated, independent, willing to solve problems, etc.
Stubbornness is just a child's personality trait, not a shortcoming, and it does not need to be infinitely magnified, and do not label him as "disobedient".
Sometimes, letting the child listen to his own may make him more "obedient"!
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