I saw an interesting case online. A mother in Jiangsu was unwilling to clean her desk after taking online classes at home because her child was taking online classes. She was furious and kept her child's books full of the room, so she asked her child to clean up immediately and "

An interesting case was seen on the Internet. A mother in Jiangsu was unwilling to clean her desk because her child was taking online classes at home. She was furious and kept her child's books in the room, so she asked her child to clean up immediately and "stop the loss in time."

But the child still sang the opposite: I am only in the second grade, and I don’t understand the idioms you said! But I know bamboo shoots are edible.

I don’t know if it really doesn’t understand, or if it’s intentional to be his mother, the child’s answer is quite cute.

On the road of parenting, there will always be parents complaining, and their children always sing the opposite tune with themselves.

Why do children always like to sing opposite tunes?

1. Sing the opposite tune, the internal driving force of children's growth

The "White Bear Experiment" in psychology can explain this problem well.

Psychologist asked those who participated in the experiment: Don't go like an white bear .

The results show that subjects who generally cannot remember the white bear at all will soon appear in their minds after being reminded by the psychologist, and in the next few minutes, they will constantly think of the white bear.

The subject found that the more he restrained himself and did not think about it, the more he could not get rid of the image of the white bear in his mind.

"White Bear Experiment" conveys the meaning of: excessive prohibition of behavior will instead generate a kind of attention reminder.

is applied to the daily life of parents and children, and you can understand why the more parents ask their children, play less with their mobile phones, and do their homework quickly, the more they procrastinate.

In the eyes of children, "being asked" is a kind of oppression. Only by "doing against each other" and "singing the opposite tune" can one reflect self-awareness and experience the happiness of independence.

html Before the age of 13, children's self-awareness was still in its infancy and needed to rely on parents. Parents and children reached a balanced relationship between dependence and control.

As children improve their cognition, speech and action, children have the internal driving force for self-development and will feel the "crisis" of their control over their parents.

Children use "singing the opposite tune" to resist their parents' control, which is trying to maintain their self-awareness and master the autonomy of their activities.

Parents and parents threaten their children to "not eat fruits if they don't accept toys", they might as well change to: "If you want to eat fruits, we need to put away the toys first and make room for the fruits."

Instead of saying "Don't go out to play if you don't finish your homework", it might as well change to "Waiting for you to complete today's homework, let's play together for a while."

Parents avoid saying demanding words themselves and reduce their children's desire to "sing the opposite tune".

2. Sing the opposite tune, the outlet of children's emotions

In addition to the children's self-growth needs, sometimes children's sing the opposite tune is a need for their own feelings.

A mother once complained to me: Since she had a second child, the boss who was well-behaved and sensible in the past seemed to be a different person.

She coaxed her dick to sleep, and the boss yelled deliberately. No matter how she scolds her, the boss always smiles.

This is actually the child’s feeling that his mother does not care enough about him. He expresses his desire to care by creating chaos and singing opposites.

There is also a kind of opposite to parents, because the more pressure you get from studying, the more you want to contradict your parents when you get home.

Frustration will lead to a sharp decline in self-esteem and self-worth. In order to hinder this painful feeling, children with weak hearts will choose strong emotional experiences such as "singing the opposite tune" to gain a sense of strength.

At this time, if we can keenly detect the child’s call for help, we can ignore the “offensive” and actively help the child regain his confidence.

3. Some are worried, just assuming

Why do parents dislike their children's sings inconsistencies?

Share a psychological counseling case of a father I saw.

Consultant: Why do children have to be obedient and not allow them to sing opposites?

Father: I am afraid that my children will suffer losses in the future!

Consultant: Will he suffer a loss in the future if he doesn’t follow the path you arranged? Even if you follow the path you arranged, will you not suffer any losses in the future?

The father hesitated: But where is the child who decides it himself.

In fact, this father took a path arranged by his parents, and he received this kind of education, so the father felt that it was natural to pave the way for his children.

Does taking other paths necessarily indicate danger?

The loss and danger are just the fear brought by my father's lack of control over his life outside the plan.

Psychology has a definition of this fear called "catastrophic thinking". It has a familiar sentence: What if...

For future things, imagine multiple results and then imagine the worst results.

In fact, children’s current “singing opposites” is not a qualitative change relationship with the future.

As a parent, don’t worry about why your children “sing the opposite tune”, but set an example of “effective communication”.

treats parent-child conflicts as children's social exercises, explore with children, talk to each other well, and learn emotional management.

4. In this way, parents will no longer be anxious

Psychologist Lawrence once said: If you believe that children are rebellious, children will definitely be rebellious.

If you want to solve the problem of "singing the opposite", we should not define it, but face it.

1 The fact that children "sing the opposite tune"

We must understand that as children grow up, they will become more and more eager to gain autonomy.

When I was a child, I was unconditionally obeyed my parents' children. It is impossible for them to suddenly become magnanimous when they grew up.

Only by accepting the child's "singing the opposite" and facing the child's opposite can parents be less angry and more positive solutions to problems.

2 only solves what happened and does not label people

When we ask the child to eat slowly, the child asks back, "Why do you listen to you?"

We don't have to be angry, and explain to the child calmly:

As a parent, I have the responsibility to tell you what I know, just like this bowl of soup is very hot, you may not know, I told you not to touch it, because I am worried that you will burn it, and I will feel distressed.

When parent-child conflicts show signs, we don’t judge the quality of the child, don’t make strong demands, and express our inner feelings.

This comfortable care makes it easier for children to accept our kindness.

3 Instead of blocking it, it is better to accompany

I once saw a story where my son wanted to help his classmates fight in a group fight. My father knew that he couldn't stop it, so he suggested: I'm too tiring to take the bus, so I'll drive you there.

Along the way, the father kept tempted and kind, allowing the child to gradually understand the harm of group fights, but the child was not so persistent.

Let children see their own immaturity clearly, not by stopping but by supporting.

accompany the child to do what he thinks is "right", which is itself a kind of clever protection.

Only in this way can we better guide children to see right and wrong, which not only protects their self-esteem, but also wins trust and respect for themselves.

4 Whenever, let the child know that "I love you"

It is not that there cannot be conflicts between parents and children, but even if they quarrel, it will not affect the love between the family.

We can calm down each other, but there is no need to be cold violence.

We can express opposition, but we don't have to attack the threat.

We can not express our opinions, but we don’t have to put a deception.

can do these things, and the child will not become bad even if he sings the opposite tune. No matter how angry your parents are, they will not hurt.

Parent-child love is not to ask who you are, just because you are you.

Because it is great, selfless and sincere, there is nothing to stop it. Why should we hurt our minds?