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Source | Network
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Mr. Chen is a typical traditional Chinese parent, who doesn't say nice things to his children, and his relationship with children is not like father and son. More like subordinates.
The child's grades are not very good. Every time a report card is issued, Mr. Chen will criticize him: "Why didn't take the exam well again, stupid like a pig", "Next time you take the exam so bad, don't come back!" He was always scolded and scolded by his father, and his son gradually lost interest in studying, and he didn't know where to start his performance improvement.
When a parent meeting was held, the teacher specifically said to Mr. Chen: "Dad Chen, your child is actually very smart. Don't always criticize your child. You should encourage him to stimulate self-confidence. Improving grades is not a problem. "For the teacher's suggestion, Mr. Chen is a bit embarrassed: "I don't want to criticize the child, it is better for the child to be strict, and I can't say good things."
Actually, many Chinese parents have the same idea as Mr. Chen , That is, I think it’s better to be strict with the child; or just criticize the child, won’t praise the child or say nice things.
Children who have been criticized and scolded by their parents for a long time, such as parents who always abandon their children for being stupid and having poor grades, over time will really make the children "stupid". Because children have a kind of "stupidity" called "learned helplessness", they can't do anything because of their mental state, and become "stupid" in the eyes of their parents.
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What is "learned helplessness"?
"Learned helplessness" refers to a kind of hopeless psychological state of reality formed through learning, showing a behavioral state of not seeking progress and self-defeating.
It originated from a classic experiment done with dogs by the famous American psychologist Sayley German: keep the dog in a cage and give an electric shock as soon as the buzzer sounds. At first, the dog would run around the cage because of the electric shock, yelling in panic. After several repetitions, the dog who was shocked no longer struggled. Repeat a few more times, as long as you turn on the buzzer, the dog will fall to the ground and tremble before being shocked. Later, even if the cage is opened, the dog will not run away but desperately waits for an electric shock. Because of many useless attempts, the dog has formed an inertial thinking due to learning, and feels that he cannot escape. Even if he opens the cage, it just waits in despair.
And the performance of "learned helplessness" in education is mainly because the child has experienced many failures and has been reprimanded by his parents, forming a state of reluctance to make progress and feel that he can do nothing. There are many reasons for children's "learned helplessness". For example, the long-term accumulation of poor academic performance, inappropriate evaluation methods (attack by others), and incorrect attribution (children's evaluation of themselves).
Among them, the influence of parents is the most important. In the process of building self-confidence, children experience failure but cannot get encouragement from their parents, and even scold them. The resulting frustration will slowly destroy the foundation of the child's self-confidence, and eventually become timid. Often children feel that they "cannot do it by themselves" or "will definitely fail" before doing something.
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still scolding children for stupid? Parents need to understand the harm of "learned helplessness":
① Loss of self-confidence: The child is not confident, dare not try, and then deepens self-denial, becoming less and less self-confident, falling into an endless loop; ②Life is negative: the child has no self-confidence, Don't dare to try not to make progress, and have a negative attitude towards everything; ③The mental health development is blocked, and long-term self-denial will affect the children's mental health and even lead to depression.
And children's "learned helplessness" mostly stems from parents' education methods!
①Excessive strictness
Perhaps some parents only hit their children unintentionally. After all, many traditional parents believe that strict education methods can make children obedient. But the verbal violence of the parents will turn into a "knife" and pierce the children's heart.
"Why are you so stupid?", "I feel that I am very good after only a small score on the test?" Such words have a great impact on children's self-confidence. Excessive harshness by parents can cause great harm to the child's already fragile heart. Over time, "learned helplessness" will appear.
When encountering a problem, I think of my parents’ blame for myself, andWith past failure experiences, the child feels that he will definitely not be able to solve it, so he abandons himself.
②Excessive spoiling
In addition, excessive spoiling can also make the child appear "learned helplessness" mental state. Because some children are "stupid", but their parents are used to it.
For example, parents always help their children to do everything well, and the children’s meals are messed up and they will no longer let the children eat by themselves. After going to kindergarten, the children's "stupidness" is reflected. People of the same age can eat by themselves, but their own children cannot.
"Don't do it, I'll do it", "You can't do it, I'll do it", "You can't do that yet, I'll do it". What the parents say is not just to spoil the child, but to tell the child: "You have no ability to accomplish one thing." Slowly, the child will feel that he really can't do anything.
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What if the child has "learned helplessness"? Parents take three steps to adjust:
① Encourage children (find self-confidence)
psychologists Adler and Drex believe that even the youngest children need to be respected and encouraged to gain a sense of belonging and value. The sense of belonging and value are closely related to children's self-confidence. Only when children recognize the value of their existence can they have confidence.
If the child has a mental state of "learned helplessness", parents should encourage the child more, even if they only accomplished a small thing. This will help children regain self-confidence and deepen their sense of self-worth.
②Find the child's nearest development zone (increase self-confidence)
Some scholars call the recent development zone "challenge zone", that is, the "area" where children can challenge themselves through hard work. For example, if a child's score is 70, 75-80 is the child's "nearest development zone". If you study hard, you may arrive next time.
But because of different mental states, each child's recent development zone is also different. For example, if the same test scores 70 points, some children find it difficult to test 75 points next time, but some children feel that they can challenge 90 points next time. Then, the task of parents is to help children find their "nearest development zone", make progress through hard work, and enhance self-confidence.
③Break through self
When the child regains self-confidence, parents should urge the child to continue to break through. Because it has been stagnant and living in the comfort zone, it is difficult for children to make great progress, which is very detrimental to future development. Once you encounter successive setbacks, there may be "learned helplessness". Constantly breaking through the self can help children build stronger self-confidence and effectively avoid the appearance of "learned helplessness".
Disclaimer: The article is reproduced from the Internet. The copyright belongs to the original author.
