Every profession in our society requires certain study and practice before you can take up the job. But as a parent, you can start raising children directly without going through training and assessment. Because of this, many parents lack learning and thinking about education due to their own limitations, resulting in a large number of children who lack love and are injured. If parents’ personalities, concepts, ways of thinking, and interpersonal communication patterns are not mature enough and are reflected in their education methods, it will easily lead to children’s psychological deficiency, lack of self-confidence, and poor handling of interpersonal relationships. Even when the children grow up, the parenting methods they have experienced will be repeated to the parent-child relationship of the next generation, causing a new round of harm.
If a child has a problem, the root cause lies with the parents. Are you willing to be a mature parent for your children?
What is a mature parent?
Mature parents are first of all mentally mature people. Mature people should be tolerant and peaceful, have goals but not be eager for quick success. There is love in the heart and full of positive energy. Being a parent is not something you are born with, you have to accompany your children as they grow up. I think mature parents should be loving, patient, and responsible when treating their children. They should always pay attention to their children's growth in both physical and mental aspects, not just whether they are fed or clothed. They should help their children discover their own strengths and cultivate them so that they can Gain confidence and happiness. However, it cannot be done to encourage the child to develop, which will cause the child to feel greater pressure and lose interest. The most important thing is to grow up with the child, respect the child enough, and the parents continue to learn and make progress to solve the problems that arise in the child's growth. In this process, the child grows up healthily and the parents become more mature.
The most important thing is to grow up with your children and have enough respect for them
Three manifestations of immature parents
First, they lack empathy and do not consider their children's feelings.
In life, we often see a kind of parents who treat their children like objects, hitting them whenever they want, scolding them whenever they want, and saying whatever they want, regardless of time, place or occasion, and regardless of the child's psychological tolerance. .
When children are young, they long for their parents’ company and close interaction, but are rejected by their parents indifferently and push them away; when they share joy, their parents are indifferent and unresponsive; when their children are depressed, they hope to receive warm comfort, but what they can get There are only cold accusations from parents; when a child is scared, he longs for a firm hug from his parents, telling him "don't be afraid, there are parents", but what he hears is "what's the use of being so cowardly"...
One of the biggest characteristics of immature parents is their lack of empathy. They are often self-centered and only focus on their own emotions and feelings. They are unable to put themselves in their children's shoes and understand their children's feelings.
Therefore, they often do inappropriate behaviors without thinking, and do not consider the impact their words and deeds will have on their children.
For example, teaching a child in front of many people can easily damage the child's self-esteem; beating and scolding the child at will will destroy the child's self-confidence and cause the child to be rebellious and depressed...
Professor and psychologist at Harvard University in the United States Daniel Goldman wrote in the book "EQ":
"The long-term lack of the same frequency between parents and children has a huge impact on the children. As long as the parents do not treat their children within a certain range of emotions - joy, crying, The need for hugs - showing empathy, the child will no longer express or even feel the same emotions
In this way, the entire emotion will be removed from the scope of the child's love relationship, if these feelings have been suppressed in childhood. This is especially true for disguised or excessive suppression. "
A mature parent must be an empathetic parent, have the ability to empathize, and be willing to understand his child's feelings from his perspective, accept his emotions, and pay attention to his own. Words and deeds should not undermine children's sense of security and self-confidence.
Respond positively when your child is happy and be happy with him; express understanding when he is sad and give him warm encouragement; say "I can understand how you feel" when he is angry, so that the child's negative emotions can flow and be relieved. solution, rather than just suppressing and denying.
They often do inappropriate behavior without thinking, without considering the impact their words and deeds will have on their children.
I remember receiving a message from a parent before, which was deeply moved:
"My child only scored 85 points in the final Chinese test." , I didn’t beat or scold her after I got home. The child asked, Mom, why didn’t you hit me? I said: Mom, I don’t hit you because I can feel your efforts and frustration that you didn’t do well in the exam. Just try harder next time. The child cried after hearing this. "
Empathetic parents know how to respect their children and empathize with them. The parent-child relationship will be better, and the children will be able to grow up healthily both physically and mentally.
Second, poor emotional management ability.
In the process of raising children, we often encounter all kinds of unpleasant and maddening things: children are disobedient, insist on doing things they are not allowed to do, and let them go east rather than west; children are naughty and make trouble on their bodies. Make the house dirty and messy; don’t study hard, cry and play with mobile phones and watch TV every day; do not take homework seriously, have illegible handwriting, and are full of mistakes...
Psychologically mature parents can realize , this is a necessary process for children to grow up. Making mistakes and getting into trouble are very common things. Therefore, in most cases, you can control your emotions, clean up the mess calmly and patiently, and guide your children.
However, for immature parents, their psychological and emotional development is still at the level of needing to be taken care of. Once their children cause trouble for themselves, or things do not develop as they want, they will be very easy to get angry and lash out at their children. Temper, and even some out-of-control behaviors, are very detrimental to the growth and development of children.
read a news report: When parents had a quarrel, the father threw his daughter on the highway when he was angry. After being discovered by the police, the girl said that this was not the first time.
and Luoyang, Henan A 12-year-old boy, whose score in a certain subject did not reach the expected 95 points and only scored 81 points, was thrown into the highway intersection by his mother in anger.
After the police found out, they contacted the boy's mother, but the response they got was: "I don't want him anyway, even if I go to jail."
Immature parents, once their children get themselves into trouble, or things don't go as they want. With the development of children, it is very easy to get angry and lose their temper at their children.
In addition to the psychological fluctuations caused by their children, immature parents are also easily affected by other things in life, becoming moody and moody. If they grow up in such an environment for a long time, Children are always fearful and uneasy, and are forced to become a "container" for their parents' emotions.
For example, if a couple quarrels, the mother always complains about the child, and is often in a melancholy state, and the father is indifferent, alienated, and lacks communication with the child, the child's physical and mental development must be suppressed, lacking a sense of security and belonging, and being sensitive and inferior.
Therefore, to be a mature parent, you must know how to manage your emotions and learn to be aware of your own emotions.
When it comes to children, recognize the facts, understand the child's growth patterns, be more patient and understanding, and when encountering problems, find ways to solve them through practical actions instead of needlessly venting emotions.
Don’t always vent emotions generated in other aspects of life to your children. Try to let your children grow up in a harmonious, warm and stable environment.
Third, if you don’t work hard, you impose your wishes on your children.
A friend of mine once told me: “Since I was a child, my parents have always taught me how much responsibility I have. They said that they worked so hard to send me to school because they wanted me to It’s really a burden to be able to honor the ancestors, help my younger brother, and make the whole family better and better.”
There is also a type of immature parents who are like this, unable to take responsibility for their own lives and life, and give up on self-growth. , place all your hopes on your children, let them complete their unfinished goals and realize their unfulfilled wishes.
Parents themselves do not study well and improve themselves, and require their children to strive for first place and get into prestigious schools; they themselves live a messy life with nothing to be certain about, but they ask their children to work hard and gain face for themselves.
Parents who do not study well and improve themselves require their children to strive for first place and get into prestigious schools
Parents like this lack a sense of boundaries and tie their own lives to those of their children. The children are forced to bear the burden of two people's lives, psychologically The burden is heavy and is not conducive to the growth of children.
Moreover, this type of parents, because they have high expectations for their children and eagerly hope that their children will develop the way they want, will show a strong desire to control. When their children do not meet their own requirements, they will be anxious and anxious. The mentality is very unstable.
Children who grow up under this education model will feel that what their parents love is not themselves, but the external conditions of good performance, good grades, and excellence in all aspects. They lack love in their hearts; under strict management and Under control, children lack the right to make independent choices and decisions, and become very depressed, which affects their mental health.
The founder of the famous individual psychology Adler once proposed the concept of subject separation, telling us to distinguish what is our own business and what is other people's business. Everyone has his own life subject, which needs to be completed independently. .
To be a mature parent, you need to have a sense of boundaries and understand that your child is an equal and independent individual like yourself, and has a life of his own.
In the early stages of growth, children need the care of their parents, but as they grow, parents must learn to let go, interfere less, and let them do things, think, explore independently, and lead a life of their own choosing. Parents only need to provide help and support to their children when necessary.
Parents should work hard for their own goals and wishes and be responsible for their own lives, rather than imposing them on their children.
If you want your children to be successful, parents must first mature. If you want your children to become elites, you must first become elite parents.
