In life, are you a "good person" or a "good old person"? Although these two words are only one word different, their meanings are very different. "Good people" may also help others often, but they will distinguish right from wrong, have principles and bottom lines, and will not d

In life, are you a "good person" or a "good old person"?

Although these two words are only one word different, their meanings are very different. "Good people" may also help others often, but they will distinguish right from wrong, have principles and bottom lines, and will not do things that "harm" themselves to please others.

But "good guys" are different. They are usually forced to become sleek in order not to offend others, and only pursue superficial harmony, and will sacrifice their own interests to please others.

This behavior is actually a manifestation of neurosis and can be called "pleasing disorder".

1. What is pleasing?

Pleasant is a difficult psychological disorder and is not a formal diagnosis of psychiatry. Patients have some behavioral patterns that force themselves to please others, but unlike , OCD and , pleasurable disease does not belong to personality disorder, but is somewhat similar to addiction.

These people are not happy inside. Although I know that it is not good to just please and accommodate others, I still cannot control my distorted cognition and behavioral patterns - I worry that I offend others if I have conflicts, so I use pleasing and accommodating methods to exchange for others' favor. This is often formed gradually during childhood.

According to investigations, pleaser syndrome is common among women. Patients always give priority to other people's needs and are "good guys" all day long. However, they often ignore and aggrieved themselves, and bear a lot of unnecessary pressure for no reason. These stresses ultimately lead to many physical and mental symptoms, such as headache, insomnia, poor appetite and other physiological symptoms, as well as negative emotions and some psychological symptoms.

Pleasant is not a mental illness, and is somewhat similar to the addiction problem. American clinical psychologist Dr. Harriet Black believes that pleasant patients are not only "good people". When facing other people's requests, they refuse in their hearts, but cannot say it out loud, and they all agree. This is because they are afraid that others will get angry and worry about conflict, so they force themselves to show a friendly look and thus please others. However, behind these friendly surfaces, there is actually dissatisfaction and resentment.

2. Three forms of pleasurable disease

American psychologist Harriet Black divides pleasurable into three dimensions in his book "Pleasurable disease". Correspondingly, we can draw three portraits of "patients" who please the disease.

1. Cognitive "good people"

"pleasant people" are always trying to make everyone like themselves because they think that the basis for defining whether they are good or not is how much they have done for others. He kept telling himself that he should adapt to others and show his better side, for fear of getting negative feedback or evaluation from others.

practices will not actually have a positive impact on the interpersonal relationships of these people. Others usually do not agree with these people's pleasing behavior, nor become friendly because of these people's pleasing behavior. Therefore, while the "pleaser" feels particularly disappointed and resentful, others will be overwhelmed by these airtight pleasing behaviors.

Normal and good relationships should be easy, not imposed. Being pleased in situations that don’t want to be pleased can make people feel uncomfortable, but "pleaser" often doesn’t realize this.

2. Habitual "good person"

"pleasant" such as "pleasant" are drowsy and busy all day long. Because they will not refuse, they will be forced to sacrifice their own needs to take care of other people's needs. They are not necessarily willing in their hearts, but they always work hard and rarely give jobs to others. However, they often take other people's work on their shoulders and bear the workload beyond their own abilities. They often impose excess pressure on themselves.

3. Emotional escape type "good person"

This "pleasant" is always anxious when dealing with people, and is afraid of conflicts and confrontation. Once there is a difference, he will hand over control to achieve a peaceful state. They please others to eliminate their fear and anxiety. But escaping is not the solution to the problem. Handing over control will not only not reduce the sense of fear, but will increase the sense of fear.

This is the three dimensions of the pleader's cognition, behavior, and emotion. In fact, these three dimensions do not necessarily correspond to three different "pleasing disorders". Each pleader will have problems in more or less three dimensions.

3. How should the pleaser change?

Many "good old people" are not without their own opinions, but they are afraid to express their opinions easily, and are anxious and afraid of losses and potential losses. Therefore, "good old people" are not confident enough in themselves and do not believe that they can get what they want when they truly have a position.

But is it safest to always "mix"? Many times it is not that you are safe if you do not actively express your views and positions, and not expressing them is also an attitude. Therefore, only by identifying and accepting yourself from the bottom of your heart and seeing your own strength can you better express your attitude and principles and do not need to rely on others.

Therefore, we must learn to discover the truly "beautiful" parts of ourselves, actively cultivate self-confidence, and be a better self. Restore confidence by experiencing the feeling of success through easy-to-achiev goals.

At the same time, you must also find out the problems you have. Don’t think that you are a "decathlon". You can do everything best. Only by accepting your shortcomings calmly can you know how to love yourself.

Finally, you must have the courage to express your needs and the courage to say "no". Don’t worry too much about the consequences of rejecting others, but learn to defend your own interests. If you dare to say "no" to yourself, you dare to say "no" to others.

Author｜Xin Ran Xintian Wanmu Studio Head

Review｜Tang Qin Deputy Secretary-General of the Science Popularization Expert Committee of the Chinese Medical Association Researcher

Selection and Export Unit: Chinese Medical Association

(Popular Science China)