Re-reading for twelve years, can't get out of the third year of high school

Every time the college entrance examination is over, he will go to the dormitory to pack his luggage. The luggage is simple, and the clothes and quilt can be used to say goodbye to the new year. In many cases, he already knows the result after the exam, "it is estimated that he will have to study for another year." At this time, there will be a terrible feeling. It's like being on a small boat in the vast ocean. The dusk has arrived and I want to get to the shore, but there is no oar. Or walk a long way out on foot, to a place where you don’t get to the village or the shop—turning back, the road is far away; going forward, the road ahead is long.

text | thirty-three

editor | sink when

Figure | three-three (except for special labels)

looks like the 32-year-old span 8span.The face is dark, white T-shirt, black sweatpants, Xtep running shoes, the only thing with a sense of society is the black nylon messenger bag. Seeing a stranger, he shrugged his shoulders from left to right, then lowered his head and smiled timidly, revealing two pointed tiger teeth.

It is He Hanli who works in the provincial station who greeted this meal. He made a documentary called "High Ten", the protagonist is Tang Shangjun. At that time, he had just moved from the Minsheng News Group to the documentary group. When the new director was looking for a topic, he thought of his old classmates who were still in the "high eight". Under his soft and hard soaking, the old classmate who originally resisted the mentality accepted the filming.

I only learned later that they are still each other's best friends in the three years of junior high school. After graduating from junior high school, the two went to different high schools, and then gradually disconnected; because of the shooting of the documentary, their friendship was restored.

But their lives never had a real intersection.

He Hanli's life was booming. He went to the provincial capital to study, and he stayed in the provincial Taiwan after graduation. Then he married a wife and had children, bought a house and a car; Tang Shangjun stayed in place and read year after year. Senior three. In June 2021, he has just completed the thirteenth college entrance examination in his life. Calculated by grade, he is already "15 high."

"How about this year?" With the wine, He Hanli put the question to the table. This day is the day when the scores of Guangxi's college entrance examination were announced.

"Not even 600 points."

Knowing that Tang Shangjun's score in the college entrance examination was 591 points, He Hanli showed the old-fashioned posture of the world: "So I said that after 30 years of memory, the human body function plummets." span11 _span11

The other two also joined the topic to discuss Tang Shangjun's future. He Hanli's cousin, a high school biology teacher, suggested that he study finance, "come out to be a fund manager in the future," or enter the training industry, "I open an organization, and you be the principal." Tang Shangjun mostly just smiled and didn't speak.

The topic of the college entrance examination no longer belongs to the public. They quickly turned to funds, stocks and housing prices, and they built a group on the spot-the "Heli Group". Tang Shangjun still only listens most of the time. Although he also trades in stocks, he only occasionally inserts a few words. The high school life repeated for so many years seems to have built a castle for him to escape reality.

During a week in Guangxi, I tried to walk into his castle. I climbed into the park from the wall with him in Nanning. I accompany him back to Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School where he studied for seven years and Qinzhou No. 1 Middle School where he studied for two years. We went back to his place in Gong'an Village, Shangsi County, Fangchenggang City. Hometown, and visited his junior high school teacher in the town. I have seen the restrictions imposed by poverty and class, and I have also seen Don Quixote's life in general-although stubborn to make people feel crazy, there is also something pure and moving.

2016,In He Hanli's documentary, the story originally had a "successful" ending. Tang Shangjun scored 621 in the "Gao Ten" exam this year and was admitted to the China University of Political Science and Law. In order to be more "consumer", He Hanli specially applied for transportation expenses from Taili, so that Tang Shangjun took his mother and father who had been diagnosed with cancer to visit Beijing. In the documentary, Tang Shangjun finally "enrolled at the China University of Political Science and Law, and worked part-time in a restaurant while studying." But in reality, Tang Shangjun chose to repeat again.

After that, He Hanli no longer cared about Tang Shangjun's test scores and whether he could "go ashore". His current understanding is-"Everyone has everyone's life."

Tang Shangjun (left) and He Hanli (right) 8 8

Once, they decided to start from the school in the town and walk in one direction to the end to see what was outside the mountain. They set off at seven in the morning and walked all the way, the lively small town became the junction of urban and rural areas, and then into a desolate wilderness.

This exploration of the "end" ends in He Hanli. At twelve o'clock at noon, he thought that he could not go down anymore. At this time, there were still five hours to go back, just in time to return to school before dark.But Tang Shangjun still wanted to keep going. He could see that if he hadn't made a choice, Tang Shangjun could go on forever.

"He is very happy, immersed in it, and he doesn't calculate too many other things. But you know, we don’t have flashlights, we don’t have food, and we will lose ourselves if we don’t look back. , Lost in the night.”

Looking back many years later, it looks like a fable. In their lives, they did not turn back together, and it was the time when they parted ways at noon. After that, He Hanli walked back and lived a "good" life in the secular sense, while Tang Shangjun walked on with his head.

documentary

After graduating from junior high school, they almost lost contact. The only way to contact each other was QQ. After going to college, he often thought of this former "best friend", but every time he left a message, he rarely received a reply. Occasionally, the replies received after many days have been very brief. They really regained contact on one night two months ago.

Tang Shangjun took the initiative to speak to him on QQ for the first time, and then told him that he was still in high school.Eighth tall. "I hope I told you, don’t tell anyone, before next September, can you? Now I’m still so stupid and crazy." He vaguely revealed some information. He asked him what he was doing recently on QQ. He did not answer positively. He just said that he had thought through many things in life-many things that people pursue are out of space, and then told him, "I am doing one thing, I also I can't tell you, but I am insisting on doing one thing." What he thought at the time was, "You won't be a monk, right?"

After learning the truth, He Hanli's first reaction was that he might be really crazy. But he pretended to be calm, and asked a series of realistic questions: Where is the cost of living? Are you still in the original Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School? What is the school's attitude?

"I lied to my family to say that I was in college and used the university tuition." "The school has nothing to say." "I'm not afraid of people laughing, because the villagers laugh at my parents."

The words sent by the other party were like those of a normal-minded person, which made He Hanli a little relieved. But he still responded carefully to every sentence, for fear that a certain sentence might hit his old friend. "But I support you." "This feeling is understandable." "I really admire your perseverance and determination. It is rare in this era."

He Hanli also tried to enlighten He on the QQ side,"The way out of this society is not necessarily a prestigious school." Just like himself, he is also a very ordinary second. He always thought that his way out after graduation was to return to his home county to find a job. Provincial and Taiwanese reporters."

Tang Shangjun told me that every time he drank, He Hanli often used this experience to "bragger" in front of him.

In 2012, He Hanli graduated from Guangxi Normal University. After graduation, he worked as an intern at the Minsheng News Group of the provincial station. When he had already done his job at the TV station in Shangsi County, he had returned to his hometown, "Once in a decade." The opportunity arises. He was one of a dozen interns in the provincial Taiwan, which had not been admitted for seven or eight years. Almost all the rest are from prestigious schools in Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou or a local college in Guangxi. He is a rare second-year student. In the words of his leader, his resume was picked up from the trash can. The leader felt that he was "very able to work."

Not long after the two old friends restored contact, a new documentary department was established in Taili. He Hanli, who "has a higher pursuit", was not satisfied with the trivial news every day, so he seized the opportunity to turn over, and his identity changed from a reporter to a "documentary."

The new director needed a "creative theme", so he naturally thought of this old classmate who had just returned to contact. When he and his colleagues mentioned this "topic", the reactions of their colleagues were not surprisingly similar-"Does your classmate have a brain problem?" Yes, he was puzzled: Why did you do this? On the topic selection declaration form printed on A4 paper, he asked on behalf of the audience: "Why did he choose to go to the dark on a road? What torment did he endure in his heart? Has his spiritual world been distorted? 2014 Chinese New Year How will he continue to lie? Will his dream come true for the college entrance examination this year?"

Tang Shangjun refused at first. In the first year, I knew it at home. The first time the college entrance examination was 372 points, a score that was definitely only enough for a junior college. He didn't even fill in his volunteers. The sister who worked as a clothing salesman in Qinzhou paid him 3,000 yuan in tuition. But since the fifth grade of high school, his life has been divided into two: A side everything is "normal"-he went to Nanning Electromechanical to study a junior college, and his family collected 17,000 yuan for him every year, 5,000 yuan for tuition, and 1,000 yuan for living expenses per month; Side B is his real life hidden by lying-Nanning Mechatronics, he just went to school "feeling for a long time", but "not feeling it in class", he dropped out and returned to his alma mater Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School, where he continued to study year after year. He is unwilling to expose side B to others.

took the initiative to confess to He Hanli, because he was in a moment when he was out of touch. He wanted to borrow money from an old friend even though he didn't. The change of A side directly affects the B side. Following the trajectory of side A, in July 2013, he graduated from Nanning Electromechanical. In the following years, he lost his fixed "income" and no longer had enough money on hand.

He Hanli obtained Tang Shangjun's acquiescence by using "just broadcast it casually on the terrestrial channel" and "I can't see it anyway." Before the Spring Festival in 2014, He Hanli took a camera to Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School and saw Tang Shangjun for the first time in many years. Tang Shangjun was still so shy and shy wearing a red assault suit. The atmosphere at first was somewhat embarrassing, and the friends who had been close to each other were rusty.

This rusty atmosphere was gradually broken at night. He Hanli asked him little by little about his experience over the years. As he talked, Tang Shangjun choked up. He Hanli felt, "He also held back for a long time"-no one around him could listen to his heart.

But this is far from a heart-and-heart chat between old friends.He Hanli felt "not too much to talk about", and Tang Shangjun hated the "cold shot" between them. "I feel like there is a layer of yarn, and I can't see through him." He wrote this in his diary that day.

Anyway, for He Hanli, this trip has at least two gains. The two "slowly regained some familiarity, and began to build relationships again." Moreover, he confirmed that he was still a "normal person," and his doubts about the spirit of the old friend ceased.

has a lot of details to prove: for example, his fingertips turn the ball, he was not skilled in junior high school, but now basketball can stay at the fingertips for a few minutes-doing something can improve, but also do Handy, "At least he has the control ability of a normal person"; the guitar he learned together in junior high school is now playing more slippery. He can feel his inner emotions more directly from his music; there are handwritings—he He thought that when he opened the test paper, the words he saw would exude paranoia that he could never find a way to study for seven or eight years and would never fail the test, but what he saw was neat and orderly words, with a sense of order permeated between the strokes.

The question that people are most curious about: Why does he repeat it year after year? He Hanli also asked immediately.

and I asked it many times later. I asked repeatedly in the school dormitory, at my hometown, and on the way home. But he never got a clear answer. Tang Shangjun's later answer was similar to the explanation when he first chatted with QQ-"I thought I would be able to pass the exam after one year." "When you find out that you spent a year with just one result, you won't be reconciled." "My goal is the University of Science and Technology of China."

But He Hanli also heard another explanation from him,He "wants to go to Beijing", "as long as it is a slightly better university in Beijing." As a friend, He Hanli didn't care too much about the contradiction between words. On the one hand, he felt that he had not "100% explained clearly"; on the other hand, he also felt that he did not think clearly about his goals. But as a director, he needs his protagonist to give him an explanation. In front of the camera, he asked Tang Shangjun to name a goal. Tang Shangjun walked to the blackboard and wrote a few big characters-"University of Science and Technology of China." This is his "official statement": For the University of Science and Technology of China, he embarked on the road of repeating studies year after year.

He Hanli's current understanding is: "This is a bit like a gambling psychology. The bigger the stake, the less reconciled to lose. Just one year after losing, I lost a dollar and I lost. It's over. But you put all your wealth, all your youth, all your sustenance and emotions in it, you just want to have the most perfect ending."

8 class classroom map source "was ten"

Tsinghua

is perhaps easier to bare their hearts in front of strangers, we When we met alone at Starbucks, Tang Shangjun told me his true goal-the most perfect ending in the true sense.

When he talked about dropping out of college,Thinking of a sentence his father wrote to him when he was young, "cross the Yangtze River, cross the Yellow River"-I don't remember the latter, "Anyway, I still have to take the exam to study in a place like Beijing."

"Where is Beijing?"

"The goal is very big." He was playing with the milk cap floating in the coffee cup with a spoon. At this time, he raised his head and the corners of his mouth moved back. The voice was as thin as a silk, "Tsinghua University." He has never told anyone about the word "Tsinghua", including He Hanli. He was afraid that everyone would laugh at him and he was overwhelmed. Perhaps there is also a deep-seated psychological motivation-the more affectionate you are, the more difficult it is to talk about your dreams. Talking about your dreams seems to be a blasphemy against it. The University of Science and Technology of China was just the university where his best grader in junior high was admitted to, not his real dream.

Where does this "Tsinghua" come from?

originally came from a Tsinghua student who was born in the village in the 1990s. The student who was admitted to Tsinghua University later became an official and became an object of admiration by the villagers. Tang Shangjun didn't know exactly what Tsinghua meant at the time. But in the world he grew up in, Tsinghua University was almost synonymous with universities, because in the cognition of the elders, there seemed to be only two universities in the world, one Tsinghua University and one Peking University.

It was different from what I expected. As soon as I saw Tang Shangjun, I realized that his eyes didn't have the power to stand out. "Tsinghua" has become a spiritual existence in his world,"Tsinghua" represents beauty and "worth"-so when he was telling He Hanli that he saw the world, he repeated it year after year (a utilitarian act that seemed to be drawn from fame and fortune), There is no logical inconsistency.

Later I told He Hanli on the phone that Tang Shangjun had always wanted to enter Tsinghua University. He laughed twice, "I think this goal is too far away." He felt that the difference between himself and Tang Shangjun was that he was easily "brainwashed" and compromised with life, and Tang Shangjun had a clumsy vigor. He also had dreams of Tsinghua University and Peking University, but he never took it seriously when he knew it was out of reach.

"It's like saying I want to go to the moon." He added.

But when they were the best friends in junior high school, the "moon" was not far away from them. When others are discussing how to do a certain problem, they will discuss a lot of weird things: Where do people come from? Why don't people grow two big ears? These things that others disagree with bother them. "The average classmate doesn’t think much, and he goes well. He goes on to go to school, get a job, get married and have children. There are no signs like us. We think too much, thinking about being extraordinary, and wanting to take risks in life."

They also wanted to escape from their parents countless times while helping their family with farm work. The local source of income is sugarcane and eucalyptus. Speaking of sugarcane, He Hanli split his right palm into his left hand. He repeated this action of cutting sugarcane countless times; Tang Shangjun repeatedly said that he had to carry sugarcane from the foot of the mountain to the top of the mountain every time. Disassemble and load the car. Every time I work, "I want to study hard in the future,Stop doing such hard farm work."

They did all that. Whether it is He Hanli, who graduated from two books, or Tang Shangjun, who has been repeating his studies for many years, they are already rare "readers" in the eyes of the villagers.

He Hanli’s five children, sister and brother both dropped out of school early. My sister took the English book from junior high school and entered the factory with a quilt on her back. After a elder brother dropped out of school at the age of 16, he was in a trance because he could not accept going home to farm. He Hanli said that of the fifty to sixty peers in the same village, only two or three can enter the high school in the county. The rest are "digested" in the town, forming gangs, fighting, gambling, or going to factories in Guangdong, Fujian and other places. work to earn a living.

He Hanli and Tang Shangjun both told me about their strange illness in junior high school. Tang Shangjun's disease occurred one month before the entrance examination for high school. I got sick for no reason. "When I went to bed together, I was in a trance looking at things. It was a bit drunk. I couldn’t wake up all the time. Sometimes I didn’t know whether it felt true or false. I woke up in a dream. It's still like a dream." His family took him to the hospital, but nothing could be found.

He Hanli said that "this matter" happened earlier. As soon as he arrived at Shangsi No. 2 Middle School, he thought about committing suicide-with two dollars, he wanted to buy a bottle of rat poison, but he was too shy to talk and went back home. He understood this as a class-related discomfort. "From the bottom of the countryside to a new environment, I don't know that the big world still has various complexities to face. The only instinct is to escape. It is a deep fear of the unknown and the future."

Tang Shangjun also went to Guangdong to work in the summer to earn living expenses.He once went to a factory that made mobile phone screens. The workshop was completely enclosed, with a pungent chemical smell. He had to be fully armed before going to work, and it would take ten minutes to put on clothes. His job is to check whether there is any light leakage on the mobile phone screen. He sees piles of thousands of mobile phone screens constantly appearing in front of him on the assembly line, and desperately asks himself: "Do you make this thing every day? Then he resigned after only two days.

“Tsinghua” is a spiritual existence in his world. Another proof is that he does not combine the work in the factory with the work in the office like a person from the bottom usually does. Separate the work area. He didn't like "work" since he was a child, and he had an impression of all kinds of work-to go to work is to work hard, sitting all day.

I asked him what he thought people should be like, and he replied, "More free." I asked him to name his ideal job. He cited photography, bands, and reporters as well; Have a shop of your own-even if it will close down or go wandering. I believe he must agree with the words of the protagonist in Chekhov’s novels: "Work has left me dead. People only need to catch a bass once in their lives, or see a bird flying south once in the fall. See if they are sunny. And how can he fly through the village in groups in the cool days, then he can no longer be a cityman, he will be looking forward to a free life until death."

Tsinghua Will it solve the problem of "relative freedom"? He didn't think about this question because Tsinghua was too far away for him. "After all, he scored just over 580 when he got the seventh test." Tsinghua's world is like the invisible Godot in Beckett's play "Waiting for Godot", representing some unspeakable hope that tomorrow may come. Door

Tang Jun is still home

unwittingly

and hindsight

August 2013,Tang Shangjun, a high eight, did one thing. He wants to experience it in Tsinghua. He set off from Qinzhou and took a 28-hour train ride to Beijing. Without a seat, he sat on the sink for a day and a night. Outside the window, the trees in the south gradually turned into bungalows in the north. He thought, how good it would be to take the train like this when going to school and going home.

arrived in Beijing at two or three in the morning. He slept on a park chair for two hours. He got up and went to Tsinghua University at dawn. He rented a bicycle, went around the campus, went to the lotus pond, Tsinghua Academy, looked at the student dormitories and "quite many buildings," and also went to see the yellow-green ginkgo trees. As he was catching up with the freshman military training, he was very envious and thought: "Whenever I can do military training here." When he first entered the campus, he was very calm, and after a while he "feeled so small."

The next day, he felt that he hadn’t seen enough, so he went in and walked again. The lotus pond, Tsinghua school, white school gate... Moreover, the Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School he was admitted to the town’s middle school is one of the best local middle schools. Every year, students are admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University. When he first went to Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School, he once called his mother and said that there was someone who had gone to Tsinghua University. He wore glasses that were as thick as the bottom of a beer bottle. "If I read about wearing glasses, I might have gone to Tsinghua University."

When summarizing his strengths, Tang Shangjun felt that one of them was that he had a little "little cleverness." He only needs to work hard and learn things quickly. This is the case with homework, and the same goes for skating and basketball.

But he is playful.

Adventure and fun are the keywords that impress him. For example, if you want to invite him to dinner, the first thing he wants to ask is, where to eat and, is there any alcohol to drink? The interview he opened his heart for the first time was conducted under a big tree after he and I climbed over the wall of the park. It was 11 o'clock in the evening.

high school is also spent in play, and it remains the same after repeated reading. In Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School, he often climbed the railing with his classmates in the middle of the night, went to the city square for supper, and wandered around. One semester, he bought a pair of roller skates for 200 yuan, climbed out of the wall at night, and skated on the road opposite the school for one night-he was very proud, just learning to skate, he could stand up the next day.

A person who only likes to play, how can I test Tsinghua University? Tang Shangjun recalled that after returning from Tsinghua University, there was a period of urgency, but when he encountered specific choices, "play, laziness, and procrastination" continued to dominate him. He felt that he was divided and playful, unable to calm down. Once during the Mid-Autumn Festival, there was a light show at night and he wanted to see it. He walked to the school gate and thought of studying, so he asked himself, do you want to go out? But after thinking about it, the lanterns are only once a year. In the end, I went out in the tangled guilt.

"I can't work hard, no pressure; I have expectations, but I am not reconciled. In this state." I bought some supplementary books and put them there after I bought them. If the exam is not good, the teacher doesn't talk to the teacher, and the parents don't know.

He was a wild kid who loved to play since he was a child.I wasted endless time into things like digging out bird nests, playing in the mud, and catching fish. Tang Shangjun attributed his experience to the family environment in his diary: "I grew up in a farm and worked as a farmer for three generations. The qualifications are not very bad, but there is no reading atmosphere at home, and no one will give you advice. I have nothing. In hindsight, when many things are understood, it is too late.”

Tang Shangjun felt that no one would pull him back at the critical moment-just like when He Hanlizuo and He Hanli explored the "end" together. Do that, otherwise he will probably work hard. He unknowingly entered the repetition cycle, and every time he thought, it would be fine to retake another year, and then he would have to come again for another year until the college entrance examination was over, and so on.

hindsight is also reflected in some details but perhaps important issues: he only learned from the teacher’s conversation in the "high ninth" that he can choose himself again through the postgraduate entrance examination. Favorite school.

A rare reminder about the flow of time occurs when one day goes up the stairs. He met the class teacher who was in his third year of high school. The class teacher said, "Didn't you go to university, why are you still here?" For two years, from September 2009 to July 2016, playgrounds, classrooms, canteens and dormitories constitute an unbreakable cover, shielding the outside world, time seems to have stagnated, and there is no sense of urgency. "I don’t feel like I’m looking for a job, I’m looking for a girlfriend, I don’t feel tired of realizing my ideals. If I think very well, I don’t feel a lot of pressure."

in " In the high ten documentary,Tang Shangjun talked about the college entrance examination results of the first 6 years: 2009, junior college; 2010, tens of tenths over the third line, applied for the junior college, and dropped out; in 2011, went to the second line, but couldn't choose a good university; in 2012, I could have chosen a better second book, but I didn't fill in the volunteers. In 2013, I passed the first book for the first time and reported that the university in Beijing was not accepted. In 2014, he checked his score under the camera: 563 points. His grades did not start to improve until 2015 when he transferred to Qinzhou No. 1 Middle School. Before that, he seemed to have spent 6 years doing an experiment, how long can a person read through high school content without worrying about it.

He rejected the repetitive and monotonous life of the factory and his parents, but he accepted the repetition of the senior year because of "hope." The boring senior year has even become his secret castle and paradise for escaping from reality. There is no control here, and there is no need to enter the "system" of society. There is even a certain kind of freedom and comfort he wants in this castle. For a while, he was able to score 650 on the mock test, and a little girl ran over after class to bring him some snacks and ask for math problems.

In reality, his freedom is linked to "autism". His favorite WeChat emoticon is "Autistic", with the cat's face leaning against the wall. He told me that sometimes he wants to be autistic, although he doesn't know what autism is, his own understanding is, "I just don't want to listen to (other people's words), just do what you want."

The repetition in the "autistic" world does not make him painful, and there will be a sense of accomplishment brought by progress. Some things you don’t understand, you don’t understand this year, you may understand next year. After 2015, repetition has allowed him to enter a more comfortable state. For example, English is not too difficult to understand. He can get a high score if he understands a little grammar and does not understand the wrong meaning. He can generally get a score of 140 in the test; and only in mathematics. A small number of problems cannot be solved,The same usually scores 140 points.

The original title of He Hanli's documentary was "High Eight", which was later made into "High Ten". During the three years of making documentaries, Tang Shangjun continued to live a repeating life year after year, while He Hanli's life boomed forward.

After filming Tang Shangjun in early 2014, He Hanli’s life was set on an accelerator. He took the camera alone and started filming "Walking South and North Guangxi People". He also took this opportunity to go to Beishangguang and the whole country. Ran it all over.

When he went to the big city, he saw a lot of splendid and charming lives, and it also allowed him to see more of the world. He interviewed a Guangxi singer who became popular on the Internet, which inspired him, "Catch the trend, and people will get up." The thinking of buying a house has also become advanced. In 2015, he learned that the unit has welfare housing at a market price of more than 8,000. You can buy a house for four thousand, but it is 12 kilometers away from the unit. Many colleagues don't like it. What use is it to buy it so far? He didn't care, what he thought was that according to Beijing this is still the second ring road, the subway was repaired in front of the house behind, and the work time is only 30 minutes.

junior high school when Tang Shang Jun (left) and Hehan Li (in)

admission

in the evening of July 2016,Hometown Public Security Village. After dinner, the boiled chicken and leftovers were still on the table. The cousin next door came to visit. Tang Shangjun's mother, wearing a white vest, probably drank some wine, her face turned red, and there were dense cicadas singing outside the house. He Hanli held the camera while Tang Shangjun held the notice. Tang Shangjun scored 621 points, the best score ever in the exam this year, and was admitted to China University of Political Science and Law.

A documentary that was put on hold in the middle, when He Hanli mentioned it to Taili again, he felt that the story had a visible "successful" ending.

Tang Shangjun decided to confess with his family.

It is not easy to speak. Tang Shangjun felt guilty when he remembered the lie he had compiled before. After graduation, he also compiled a company name, SF Express. He didn't know that there was a SF Express, and his parents had never heard of it. He had never asked what SF Express was doing.

In the documentary, Tang Shangjun handed over the notice. His mother took it and heard him explain that he had been repeating studies over the years and had "entered a prestigious university." The mother did not mean to blame at all. , A smile appeared on his face. She didn’t know the word, she just said, “I don’t know what you mean when you see your photo. I don’t blame you without telling me. One sentence.

There was a heavy incident in the family that year. My father found out that he had advanced lung cancer.Thinking of her husband’s illness, the old man reminded his son: “Concentrate on studying, don’t think about your dad. Having this kind of illness can lead to life and death.” The father saw his son’s notice on the hospital bed and did not blame him at all, just Said: "The spirit is worthy of admiration and pride. In the future, blue is better than blue."

Tang Shangjun described to me that after telling the truth, it was like staying in a room for many days and finally walking outside. , The world opened up instantly, "Finally someone came to connect with you."

During those years, he did many things to hide from his family. He changed the phone number to Nanning’s number; even if his parents didn’t check the ticket, he had to go back to Nanning before taking a taxi back to the village when he returned home. It cannot be requested because it says "Qinzhou"-according to his A side setting, he is in Nanning.

He was tight-lipped at home. There was no book on high school at home. Everyone thought he went to university and found a job. But there are inevitably some gaps in lies. In the documentary, the cousin said at the wine table that he went to Nanning to call him three times and never answered, "You will become the county magistrate in the future. You can't forget your roots. When the county magistrate I come to you for a drink, you have to The door is open.”

was even more "thrilling" once, as soon as he got out of the van, his sister's phone came, saying that he saw him, and Tang Shangjun was scared to hide behind the van for a while . His sister asked him to come out quickly, and Tang Shangjun, who was dismantled, "suddenly burst into tears." He scolded a statement, saying that a classmate was sick, and he came to Qinzhou to hand out flyers and call on the students to donate money.

He Hanli's documentary stopped in October 2016, and the final subtitles were written: "On September 4, Tang Shangjun finished his student loan and enrolled in the China University of Political Science and Law while studying in the restaurant. Part-time..." But there is another story in reality: He lied to He Hanli. He did go to China University of Political Science and Law, but he did not report.

On September 3, 2016, Tang Shangjun went to Beijing alone and went to the campus of China University of Political Science and Law for a few laps. He went to the freshman registration office and watched his "classmates" buy quilts and daily necessities. He also went to the school to look for his name on the wall where the freshman list was posted, "Find out if I am really here, and then see how it feels to write the name on it." After he met Tsinghua, he had no feeling for the University of Political Science and Law. What you like and what you don’t like is not a feeling. If you want to eat chicken thighs, then I will give you a piece of bread, do you want to eat it?" It's been decided long ago. There are three reasons: one is that his father’s cancer is in the advanced stage and he needs money urgently; the other is that he saw the admissions advertisement of Nanning Pingguo No. 3 High School-a reward of 100,000 yuan for repetition of 600 points or more, and it is said that he was admitted to Tsinghua University in the second year. Another 600,000 will be awarded; the third one is of course Tsinghua University.

"For three things. My dad, test a good school and get some bonus. The money is linked with my dad. If the money is not enough, my brothers and sisters I can help, I don’t have anything. I think it’s special.” Tang Shangjun said, “I’ll give you 600,000 yuan if you are admitted to Tsinghua University next year. Basically solved.

"Heartbeat, especially heartbeat." But money is a direct stimulus factor, Tang Shangjun repeated twice when talking about bonuses. In the past few years after "graduating", he has been struggling to live. Although he has passed a line since 2013, tuition is free, there are more than 400 food expenses per month, and he earns 2,000 yuan from working in summer vacation, but this is not enough for a student who plays a social role. of.

He wrote in his diary: "What is it like when you have no money? Sleeping in Nanning Railway Station Square, I go to Beijing alone and sleep on the bench on the street until dawn. I will carry a stand for Hanli, He gave me more than 1,000 labor fees. I was so excited that my brother asked me to transfer 8,000 yuan to the fourth sister. After putting the money for a few days, looking at the income of 80 cents a day, I was very happy." Even if it is not everything, but you lack money, you can’t do it. When you have it, you can do many things you want to do, and you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do.”

After returned from Beijing, Tang Shangjun's A-side and B-side merged into one state once again separated. His current side A is a student of China University of Political Science and Law, side B is still a repeater in the third year classroom. This year, he was "high eleven".

He took a one-month leave to take care of his father. Later, the day his father left, he had already returned to Pingguo No. 3 Middle School. The cousin said on the phone that your father is about to die, you It's too far in Beijing, don't need to come back. After a while, I received a second call: "Your father is gone." Tang Shangjun said on the phone, he will fly from Beijing to Nanning, and then go home.

Tang Shang Jun's mother map source "was ten"

teacher Tang, Tang boss

After 2016,Tang Shangjun's repetition life has entered a new stage. He began to move to several repetition classes in Guangxi that are famous for bonuses: in 2016 and 2017 in Pingguo No. 3 Middle School, in 2018 in Liutie No. 1 Middle School, and in Baise from 2019 to 2021. Hongshun Middle School. Repetition began to become more like a job-scores are KPIs, and each score corresponds to a corresponding return.

In 2016, when he was 27 years old, he began to have a new title on the campus of Pingguo No. 3 Middle School-"Teacher Tang". Sometimes when walking on the road, a group of junior high school students would nod to him: "Good teacher." Tang Shangjun didn't even reply with an "um". When I met again next time, I didn't answer. After a while, the junior high school students all know that this is the repetition class upstairs.

Pingguo No. 3 High School 100 thousand yuan, after the Ching Ming Festival hit the card, in addition, there is 2,000 yuan per month for living expenses, and a two-bedroom apartment-the apartment is The same treatment as the teacher. Tang Shangjun felt that he finally lived like a home, not warm, but with a refrigerator, washing machine, and microwave. He sometimes cooks his own dishes, including buying a live chicken at the vegetable market and slaughtering it himself.

This year was originally going to sprint to "Tsinghua", but for a whole year he fell into trouble with his girlfriend he met in the cram school. She quarreled on the road several times, as long as he let go, her life would be in danger. During the two days of the college entrance examination in 2017, his girlfriend had a sudden tonsillitis and had to get some drips outside of school. He stayed with him and didn’t close his eyes for two days-fate seemed to be a trick on them. After the exam, his tonsillitis immediately recovered. . This year, he scored 550 points in the exam, which was 18 points above the first line, and he did not fill in the volunteers.

2017,The reward for Pingguo No. 3 Middle School was lacking, so he turned to Liutie No. 1 Middle School. Here the head teacher also calls him "Teacher Tang." "Oh, Teacher Tang, why did you come here?" The classmates also called so.

After leaving Liuzhou, Tang Shangjun continued to open the "radar" on Weibo and Douyin, and found a private school, Baise Hongshun Middle School in 2019. This is a school founded by a real estate owner who recruits high-score students from the entire autonomous region. Tang Shangjun knew that they wanted to create a cram school that could pass Tsinghua University and Peking University. Tang Shangjun entered a "special training class" with only four or five people-they were all considered by the school to be able to impact Tsinghua University and Peking University. They are the first class. The threshold for recruitment is very high, and the rewards are also attractive. When they enter the college entrance examination, they will be rewarded with a score of 600 points and 50,000 yuan.

There is no money for eating, and it is very rich, squid, beef...everything. The monthly living expenses are 1500 yuan, and in addition, the return home ticket is reimbursed. The rewards of repetition classes are at their peak here, and exams become a kind of business assessment. The most exaggerated thing is that every month, as long as it reaches the top ten in the city's unified examination, there is a prize. Tang Shangjun won the seventh place in the city once and immediately paid 1,500 yuan. At this time, he never wanted to go back to a public school, and only received 500 yuan for living expenses.

Tang Shangjun has been repeating for so many years, except for the occasional "different look". Arranged that person with you? This does not affect him well), I rarely hear criticisms against him. Generally speaking, "I am still very comfortable in the repetition class."

This kind of freedom may be the result of Tang Shangjun's own subconscious shielding of external information.It is also directly related to the atmosphere of the school. In the repetition class, few people care about your past and only talk about your grades. When he was in Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School, the environment was like this. In Qinzhou No. 2 Middle School, the "senior grade" is like a permanent grade, and the boundary between it and the third grade is blurred. "High school seniors" are often talked about. They are present in the commendation meeting and swearing ceremony of the senior year. Everyone will not say who is in the cram school, but directly who is in the third year. There are a total of 37 classes in the third year of the school. The first 26 classes are freshmen and the latter are repeaters. With a childish face on the bulletin board, you can see that among the top three in the whole year, two of them are from the repetition class, and the introduction says that it is the third grade (37) and the third grade (28).

When he was in the third year of high school, Tang Shangjun could feel the atmosphere of the school. There were 1,000 freshmen and 1,000 cram students. When he resumed his first year, there were 10 students in the class. Former classmates. Seniors with more than 600 points will also come back and repeat. The papers are always handed in earlier than the fresh students. The papers are sent out for 40 minutes, stretched out, and everyone knows that he has finished writing. "At that time, I looked up as a great god."

The most famous of these "great gods" is Wu Shanliu, who has been studying for eight years. Wu Shanliu, who was born in 1982, gave up the chance of admission to famous schools such as Fudan University, and was finally accepted by Tang Shangjun's dream of Tsinghua University at the age of 32 in 2014. Tang Shangjun met Wu Shanliu several times, and he only appeared during registration and monthly exams, "The dragon sees the end but misses the head." He heard that he was taking exams while working, and he could get 150 points on the math test papers. Everyone called him an "alien."

Tang Shangjun has developed the habit of writing diaries since his junior high school. The diary has always been with him. Now the diary has a white cover and is printed with a cartoon bread. He believes that "somethings with insights" will enter the diary, which is mainly divided into three categories: examination summary, stock trading experience and newly bought car.

20 days before the college entrance examination in 2021, his diary published a "perception" of his classmate Yu Dongxia's 696-point weekly test score. "I was still surprised when I heard it. I opened the tablet and saw the test papers I did. Except for difficult problems, I didn't review the questions carefully, and the details weren't good enough. Every time I had a lot of shortcomings, I really envied their scores. Maybe their strengths are not the same. It’s big, but the details are not perfect enough. It’s not 30 to 40 points easily. For the remaining 20 days, you should pay more attention. Otherwise, what's the point of rushing for the earth?”

Tang Shangjun stays on In the past few years worrying about grades in the third grade classroom, He Hanli's life continued to move forward.

Among them is 2018-Tang Shangjun's "High Twelfth" year. On New Year's Day, He Hanli got married. Two days before the wedding, he also got two good news. One was that his wife was pregnant, and the other was that the China Documentary Film Research Center awarded him a "Best Newcomer Award" for "High Ten".

At the wedding, He Hanli used his expertise to produce a documentary of the couple and wrote a poem: "The world is full of friends, the gifted and beautiful people are in love. Walking the red carpet holding hands, and each other.

Tang Shangjun went to the scene with his schoolbag on his back, and gave He Hanli a big red envelope of 800 yuan. There was a junior high school student at the wedding, because everyone was tacitly aware of the documentary, and just asked, "Have you gone to read it?" Tang Shangjun smirked and passed by.The younger brother used to be as thin as him. He hasn't seen him for more than ten years. He thought that society would really recreate a person.

He Hanli felt that he could see that although the old friend did not say "envious", his eyes were bright. "Talking about everything else is imaginary, as long as you have a sense of ritual, at that stage, your good friend gets married, gets married, has children, and he starts to reflect on himself." Tang Shangjun admitted to me that he was indeed envious. He Hanli, he was lucky enough to meet his current wife, buying a house, buying a car, having a wife, children, and career.

"I thought I was still in this situation, nothing changed. When would I be like this?" Mother was on the phone and started to urge him to marry. She said she wanted to have a grandson. At this time, he would feel, "I love my mother, and I am very sorry for her."

After He Hanli's wedding, there are more and more weddings that need to be attended. Tang Shangjun attended the weddings of elementary school classmates the most. "If the elementary school classmates get married, no matter who calls me, I will go back. I think it should be affectionate and righteous." In his diary, he recorded the most recent experience of attending the wedding of elementary school classmates, and everyone treated them like this. People in the society call him Boss Tang. But they all say that he hasn't changed, like a high school student. This is a rare and comfortable social occasion for him. Elementary school classmates know him well and talk about the past.

In 2018, Tang Shangjun and his girlfriend were admitted to Guangxi University at the same time. His girlfriend went to study, but he again chose to give up. "West University, I look down on West University. I just thought, you can take the 985 exam, how can you go to West University?" He had a little disdain in his tone.The voice is still thin. He also said that in the past few years, the mentality of repetition has begun to change. In the past, I only wanted to take the ideal university, but later I wanted to "best of both worlds", which can realize my ideals and have additional rewards.

respondents courtesy

repeat

repetitive and "wandering" The life of Tang Shangjun made Tang Shangjun a habit, he only needs as few things as possible to accompany his life. There are only two pens, five or six clothes are too many, one is black and one is white, without any patterns. Colorful, he thinks it's not suitable for this age. There are only two pairs of shoes, too, which is troublesome.

Every time the college entrance examination is over, he has to go to the dormitory to pack his luggage. The luggage is simple, and the clothes and quilt can be used to say goodbye to the new year. The classmates who had known each other for a year also left in a hurry and went their own way. In many cases, he already knows the result after the exam, "it is estimated that he will have to study for another year." At this time, there will be a terrible feeling. A "very scary, strong sense of repetition." ,I want to dock, but I don't have an oar. Or walk a long way out on foot, to a place where you don’t get to the village or the shop—turning back, the road is far away; going forward, the road ahead is long.

This feeling sometimes comes into my dream: I forgot to take the pen during the college entrance examination; I couldn’t find the exam room after ringing the bell; when the time was approaching, he wrote very slowly and always wrote. Endless...every dream is like the real thing. After waking up, he feels tired and "the whole body is too weak to have any strength."

When school starts, I sit back in the third grade classroom with a new batch of new faces, a stack of familiar review materials, "It's another new year, and those things again." He sometimes bitterly I found that the trees on the campus had grown a bit taller, and I still stayed in place.

Play in the playground is not tiresome, and the cafeteria is not annoying. Only in the dormitory, the beds are all the same, the irons are cold, and when you wake up from a nap, it is easy to dream and not dream. It made people dazed, "Still in the high school dormitory." It seemed like being trapped and lost. Fortunately, I quickly got up, rinsed my mouth, washed my face, and found peace of mind again in the classroom.

occasionally thinks, "This thing is not worth it, so why should I be like this?" I was a little panicked, but there was another "Tsinghua University" waiting in the front, which made him not As for fear.

15 years of preparation for the exam, do you have any questions you don’t understand? He said that there is only the subject of Chinese, and it is impossible to get a score of 148 in the test for a lifetime of studying.Reading comprehension is difficult, because the emotion is very mysterious, the text is obscure, and it is not clear in a few words.

I saw an essay published in the Youjiang Daily at his residence, titled "Books as Four Seasons": "When a "Dream of Red Mansions" is in my hand, I I will savor Baoyu’s pure love for Daiyu, and I will slowly savor the sadness in Daiyu’s heart when the flowers are buried. I will cry and laugh with the protagonist in the book, and feel the joys, anger, sorrow and joy of the world together!"

I asked him, "Do you have a taste of the pure love between Baoyu and Daiyu?" The answer was not surprising: "I didn't read it very deeply, it was very specific." He didn't read very much. I haven't read all the masterpieces seriously-I didn't get to know them when I was in elementary school or junior high school.

high school knowledge can help him to take the test more and more skillfully, but he feels unable to get close to the truth and answers, and does not quench his thirst. "For example, how do eyes evolve, how people evolve, look at the Internet and say that fishes have changed. They originally have tails. As if people were designed, you say I put a bunch of things here. After millions of years, It slowly becomes a living thing. It’s amazing. I can’t understand.”

He sometimes feels pessimistically that there is no answer anywhere. Whenever this happens, he persuades himself to live in the present and live in trivial matters. "If you really think of those and think too much, then I don't do anything, and it doesn't make sense to do it."

In recent years,Although materially ample, the results have not improved. He will also think, is it bad to be a painter? He has liked painting since he was a child. Or as a musician, he likes to play the guitar, the band does not read diplomas at all, and plays well and is at ease. He felt that going to a prestigious university was purely influenced by ideas. In the end, "I don’t know why I did it." It is almost impossible for a musician to happen in the countryside. In the diary, he wrote: "I can't reach it, and my family definitely opposes it. There is no rural village around him who comes out to learn painting, and the family will feel it is not serious." He is also not sure that painting and music are that transcendence. "Tsinghua", do you want to do things regardless of madness? It doesn't seem to be either-otherwise I will do it early.

Tang Shang Jun map source in cram school dormitory "was ten"

"This is your life

The lies of more than ten years are woven like the Milky Way. After 2016, Tang Shangjun set a range for himself on what he can tell the truth. In addition to the status quo, where he is, and what he is doing, he can tell the truth-but other than that, there is probably only money left. Tell the truth.

After 2016, with the broadcast of documentaries, it has become more difficult to hide side B. Tang Shangjun felt that his elder brothers and sisters "care" more for him, and there are a lot more things to make up.

"Brother, how is your test score this time, send it to brother to see." Tang Shangjun had to ask his friend to post a report card from the China University of Political Science and Law on the Internet, "The P is very similar." .

There was another time when his nephew called him, and he knew that his brother was teaching him. "Uncle, have you eaten now? Where are you now?" Tang Shangjun replied, "Where I study, I will be there." He comforted himself, not saying that he was in Beijing. This was not a lie to him.

He also has a logic of self-comfort-if his family does not know that he is lying, they will not be hurt. He lied in order not to hurt them, not only for the villagers to talk, but also for the family to worry about him. The concealed time limit is also like repetition. In his heart, he renews the contract year after year like signing a contract. "I always thought that I was going to go back to school this year, and I would tell them next year after the exam."

In 2020, one day when he was walking on the street, the text message came, and the screen was four words: "Where are you?" The sender was his brother. He had to confess to his elder brother that he actually did not go to Beijing to study at university four years ago, and he is still repeating his studies these years.

But lying has formed inertia in a sense.Once my brother asked him how many points he had scored, he said 659, but actually only 597. Later, the school’s official website announced the real results. The brother who rarely updated the circle of friends posted a circle of friends, "597 is sad. 659 is terrible."

It is the most uncomfortable not to be trusted by others, especially family members. He felt that "the weight is very heavy and the sense of self-worth is very low." My brother told him that he didn't know which sentence you said was true. As long as the repetition continues, he will ignore you. Once he told his family that he had found a girlfriend. Everyone thought it was a fake and was deliberately comforting them.

In recent years, after the college entrance examination moved out of the dormitory every year, Tang Shangjun will spend a summer vacation in Nanning, set up a street stall near Guangxi University, and do some tutoring. The lives of him and He Hanli always overlap every summer. He Hanli would take the initiative to invite old friends to drink and guess the code, but since he was admitted to Guangxi University in 2018 and gave up, he has completely ignored his college entrance examination. "How is he applying for the exam? It doesn't make sense to me. I think this is your life." A good test can still be passed; a bad test makes it difficult to read and difficult to read. He also knows very well that at such an age, it is difficult to find a job after graduation.

"Do you want to read it or not?" He asked on the third day after seeing me, he felt that this question tortured him for a long time. He knows the truth. The bonus of the repetition class is nothing more than "quenching thirst." If you don't read it, you will always hold the current money. This is a short-term investment. But his understanding fell into a dead end, "Speaking of which, is it still a long-term investment?"Or do something else. This year’s college entrance examination, "High Ten" was turned out by netizens again. Many media found He Hanli and wanted to interview Tang Shangjun. He Hanli persuaded Tang Shangjun, "Now that multimedia is so popular with you, you should seize the opportunity and take advantage of this trend to change careers. Yes.”

Before returning from the public security village to Nanning, I accompanied Tang Shangjun and He Hanli to visit their junior high school politics teacher Li Guang. At first, Teacher Li just "slid" at Tang Shangjun with his eyes, instead of looking at him directly. In the middle, Tang Shangjun went out, and the teacher talked about an article he reposted recently, "Youth should not only have the college entrance examination! "You can't be so stubborn and selfish" is about Tang Shangjun. He said that this student who graduated from Shangsi Second Middle School is often mentioned among teachers. This is also his attitude as a teacher.

After Tang Shangjun came back, Li Guang suggested that he could study while attending work or go to training institutions. The college entrance examination experience is a wealth of life and should be transformed into a value and a value to society. Reading is to ask for the main thing, and people must be able to realize the unity of personal value and social value. In the end, he concluded: "Don't fret, go to a university, Shenzhen training institutions are developed and relatively open, Shenzhen University can consider it."

Tang Shangjun smiled and repeated what the teacher said. "I'm going to a university now to give full play to my advantage in education." On the other hand, the teacher's advice to He Hanli was much simpler. He waved his hand: "Respond to the third child."

this year he volunteered to fill in Guangxi University, where he was admitted three years ago. These two days are the days when the admission letter is issued, and he still has not made a final decision.The question of "read or not" still tortured him. Inwardly, he was still unwilling and still wanted to "the last time next year." Even if it was a normal performance, he felt that he had reached the moment of "have to"-twelve years, he happened to be studying in elementary school alone. By the whole time of the third year of high school, he has artificially doubled this time, is he really going to continue? "Now it's very contradictory, very tangled."

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