吞下一座城：大学申请文书的初稿、润色和定稿

2022年10月05日20:36:17 热门 1030

昨天在一个群里讲座，应大家要求，贴了几篇我修改过的申请文书。

今天，在这里，把其中一篇贴出来与大家分享。如果大家喜欢这样的实战文书分享，给我留言，那我就以后多贴点这样的文章。

公共号开了几个月了，总是怕自己的文字浪费别人的时间污染别人的眼睛。这些年，电脑上给学生润色的各式各样的文章应该好几千接近万篇了吧，大家喜欢，我可以贴一点在这里的。

必须要说明的是，这个学生的老SAT成绩大约是1800分，甚至不到（最后去了个40名左右的学校）。所以，面对这样的标化成绩，文书润色老师的重点是拧出来核心内容，尽量使用简单句及small word，在文章可读性上多下工夫。

甚至，要对整体结构大动干戈。

切忌，对于SAT分数一般的学生，文书润色老师要避免使用华丽辞藻复杂的一塌糊涂的句式。记住，文书最起码要给招生官感觉到真实吧。如果文风华丽，而自己的SAT分数一般，很容易给人造成一个印象，就是这篇文章不是申请者自己写的。

所以，对一个SAT分数不出众的学生，文书润色老师刻意保留点语法错误，和中式英文的痕迹，都是非常应该的。最少，显得真实（当然也有不同意见，因为会让招生官感觉申请者用心不够。不过，我的态度更倾向去前者）。

所以，作为一个优秀的文书润色老师，在拿到一个学生初稿时候，这些问题都是要认真考虑的。当然，我相信一个优秀的文书润色老师，上面这个，TA应该是懂的。

大家可以看下初稿，再看看我给这个学生润色后的稿件：通篇句式简单，用词简单，但还是看到一个吃货，她的吃的世界，和她在吃的世界的发现。

我根据内容给文章的标题定位Gulp down the Town，就是“吃下一座城”，down和town的押尾韵，作为标题也算是eye-catching。

让大家见笑了。

学生初稿：

Throughout my life, 对我而言最重要的一件事儿就是吃。

中国饮食文化博大精深，还在中国那会儿，外婆每天变着法子给我烧各种各样的菜，而我也是一味的坐享其成，过着饭来张口的日子。

来了美国之后，学校给我安排了美国的寄宿家庭，住家妈妈是个地道的美国人，却会做各个国家的美食，周一是Indian night, 周二是Chinese night，周三是Mexico food，周四是美国大餐etc.。住了一年下来，我不仅了解了美国当地的饮食，而且也尝到了别的不同国家的美味，可以说是大快朵颐。在欣赏和享受的过程中，我对cook逐渐产生兴趣，每到周末，我和住家妈妈就会一起按着料理书做各种cupcakes，按着instruction 一步一步往下做，最后看到一个个漂亮的cupcake出炉，此时我的成就感和欣喜是不可言喻的。

暑假回国后的一天，我自己一个人在家，突然心血来潮想尝试自己下厨。check了一下厨房，发现只有一包鸡翅和几株青菜。材料不够，这是个问题。突然灵光一闪，瞥见了角落里几瓶可乐：在美国的时候，经常喝可乐，那为什么不试着做一个可乐鸡翅呢。直接用可乐煮的话一不入味，二会太甜,于是我把鸡翅先用热水煮到半熟，然后取出晾干，等鸡翅冷下来之后，划开几道口子，让可乐容易入味。之后把鸡翅放进锅子，倒入可乐和酱油煮到鸡翅把汤汁都收进去。

It’s my first time try cooking, and I combined coke I usually drink in America and what I eat in china, I would say that it was the accomplishment in my life. During my study in US, I gradually developed my ardors for multi-cultural study. The dish I made was a combination of American and Chinese dishes.

学历史：

When I was in china, Chinese history class has been a tough class for me. Reasoning the exam-orientededucation, we have to memorize all the historicalevents happened: their year, main characters, origins and results. All the things teachers do is just asking us to height the key points and remember them. History really gave me big trouble in China.

Things start to change when I first time I walked in us history class in America. My history teacher Mr. Roe stood in front of the big map of United States. He pointed out a small spot in map: “This small place is Jamestown, where is the first permanent English settlement in the Americas.”Starting with the map,He talked about all the historical events happened there and how this small town had changed the history of United States. After a week’s study, he asked us to do a group project and make a timeline for things happened that period. While making the timeline, I did a lot of search and memorized both of the time and events spontaneously.

张一冰老师定稿：

Gulp Down the Town

I grew up in a traditional Chinese family. My grandma would cook for us daily. Probably because I was force fed at home, I have always been a picky eater. Brought up in the little town, I felt that the world was just as insipid as the rice I ate every day. The experience of food has been a part of my world for as long as I can remember, but only that of Chinese food.

In grade 10, when I came to America, I was lucky to have a host mom who loved to cook in every style possible. Chinese food, Japanese food, Mexican food; almost everything you would find on a menu could be our next dinner. I savored different foods, and I quickly began to love the experience I had with each meal. A sense of happiness came over me when the bell struck for dinner time.

I loved my new experience with my host family and the world of food that they introduced to me, but over time I was not content. I set out to explore on my own, looking for exotic foods while traveling across America. I placed flags on my traveling map, and decided to make my way across the country, literally eating my way through each town one by one. I planned and spent my vacations roaming several cities and relishing local foods.

My first stop was Boston. I went to Newbury Street and stopped at “Georgetown cupcake”, whose cupcakes were the best. After an enjoyable “duck tour” around the city, I asked for a “Sunshine Vanilla”, and the sunshine of Boston was etched on my memory. Then I came to the famous “Doughnut Planet” at NYC. I was so content sitting by the window, with a strawberry syrup donut in hand. Outside, the busy New Yorkers were walking to their destinations; inside, the soft muffin gave me a kiss that I would never forget. Later, I came to Philadelphia. “Philly Cheesesteak” was the one that I loved with all my soul. The grilled beef steak was wrapped with cheese, niched itself in the freshly baked bread, a treat for the stomach and mind.

One by one, the flags went down.

Day by day, I came to love the country more and more.

After each vacation traveling, I had a more profound understanding of the specialties of that city, and the historic events found their way into my memory. When I returned to school for the new semester, my American History course was not intimidating, but interesting.

My history teacher Mr. Roe stood in front of the big map of the United States. He pointed out a small spot in map: “This small place is Philadelphia, the birthplace of America”. He talked about the historical events that the small town had witnessed and how it had changed the history of United States. “In 1776, Founding Fathers of the United States signed the Declaration of Independence; in 1787, the Constitution.” I looked at the spot on his map, and I fondly recalled the flag that once stood there but recently went down with “Philly Cheesesteak”.

I gulped down all the historic events related to Philadelphia.

Now with a world map on the wall, I set my eyes on the little planet, on the little towns that seem to beckon me. I am burning with an urge to gulp down each town on the planet, to gulp down its food, and its culture.