The word "mobile phone addiction" is no longer a hot word in modern society because it is very common.
I have been a tutor in two teenager Internet addiction quit training camps. But in fact, when I was a "tutor", my understanding of teenager mobile phone addiction was very shallow and single. With the contact and understanding of more teenagers and parents who are addicted to mobile phones, and as I continue to learn and research myself, I have been updating my understanding of the "addiction".
"Adolescent Brain Storm" author Daniel Siegel talked about the issue of teenagers' susceptibility to addiction twice in the book. In the second chapter, he talked about the reasons for teenagers' addiction: is related to the release of dopamine .
When talking about dopamine, Daniel Siegel said: "dopamine like a gambler". He believes: " During puberty, the neural circuits using dopamine become more active. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that produces a driving force for the pursuit of reward. The action of dopamine begins in the early stages of puberty and peaks in the middle, which makes teenagers easily attracted by stimulating experiences and joking feelings. Research even found that the baseline level of dopamine is relatively low, but in response to experiences, its levels will rise. This can explain why teenagers feel ‘bored’ unless they engage in some stimulating novel activities. Dopamine levels Elevation will make teenagers feel alive, and will make them only focus on positive returns without paying attention or paying attention to possible risks and disadvantages.
The problem is that in real life, how can there be so many exciting and novel activities? But there are on mobile phones. a large number of exciting, novel and fun games can greatly satisfy the dopamine release needs of teenagers.
plus the brain development of teenagers has not yet Mature, managing one's prefrontal lobe is still developing, so "addiction" happens naturally.
For example, when you are younger, children like to eat candy because eating can bring happiness to their children. Without the constraints of parents, some children will not eat it all-out - Because children don't know the disadvantages of too much sugar, and children are not able to manage themselves.
In Chapter 4, the author once again mentions the "addiction" behavior of teenagers: the release of dopamine in teenagers has been accelerated, and alcohol This acceleration will be directly increased, so it will lead to a tricky mixed state. is the increase in dopamine levels caused by mixing drugs on the dopamine system that adolescents have been activated. Reading this, I thought that a balloon has been filled with air, and the person who is pumping is still constantly rushing in. As a result, with a "bang", the balloon exploded!
The author said: "As we discussed in Chapter 2, the dopamine system in the brain of adolescents becomes more sensitive, and the increase in dopamine levels drives them to seek rewards and stimulation. That means teenagers are prone to ‘boring’ unless they keep pursuing novelty. The dopamine in adolescence is characterized by lower at lows and higher at peaks. This is the activated reward system in the brain of adolescents. It is one of the reasons for the ups and downs of the heart of adolescents. When we realize that many drugs contain chemicals that can release more dopamine, we can understand how these substances can attract teenagers to work hard to get rid of the boredom of dopamine in the trough. This is the essence of adolescence, which makes adolescents particularly inclined to use dopamine-enhancing substances during this period. ”
So, the main reason for teenagers to become addicted is the physiological cause - the rapid release of dopamine during adolescence.
The problem is: Since it is a physiological reason, why do some teenagers become addicted, and even jump off a building to commit suicide by robbing their mobile phones for their parents, why do some do not have the symptoms of "addiction"?
I want to talk about the second reason for "addiction": the parental environment.
If parents know enough about the world, the easier it is to see a fact that makes them feel heart-wrenching : the more parents care, the more they are, the more they are "addicted" the children will be. The more their parents care, the more they should play with them, and the more they should take the exam in prestigious schools.
This is also related to adolescence: puberty children must "I have the final say". The more you don't let them play, I must play because I have the final say!
A psychologist told an interesting story: He was picking his daughter up home, and his daughter bought a cup of coffee to drink in the car. He was afraid that his daughter would spill the coffee on the car, so he reminded his daughter to put the coffee on the car. Unexpectedly, his daughter was angry: Dad, I was going to put it in the cup, but this is mine or you? The meaning is very clear: If you don’t say it, I want to let it go, just listen to my own. If you say it, I will listen to yours, but I don’t want to listen to you, even if you say it is right.
If the parent-child relationship is not good, the child would rather choose the wrong one to tell the parents: I just don’t listen to you!
My 12-year-old daughter will often tell me: I was going to do that, so you just say I! I don't want to do it anymore!
In the teenager Internet addiction training camp I used to serve, there was a teenager who had always been very good at studying. He took the first place in the original school every time. However, when his parents ignored his opposition and forced him to transfer him to a key school, the child started playing games every day, and played for three years. In the past three years, the parents did not want to repair their relationship with their children, but instead beat and scolded the child every day. In the end, the child only got into one higher vocational college.
The teacher of the original school told the parents that if the child did not transfer to school, the child could have gone to Peking University and Tsinghua University. It's really a pity!
This is how teenagers are. They would rather make mistakes. has to prove one thing to you: I have the final say!
So those parents who respect their children, "no matter" their children, will give their children a feeling: child, you have the final say!
The nephew of the well-known entertainment host Xie Na was admitted to Tsinghua University, but the parents said: This child’s biggest interest is playing games!
You see, playing games really delays the child’s entrance exam for college?
is the bad parent-child relationship that "internal consumption" is too serious and consumes the child's energy.
well-known education expert and author of " Good Mom Better to Good Teacher " Yin Jianli . If her daughter doesn't play games, she will take the initiative to buy game CDs for her daughter (because there were no online games at that time), let her daughter play, let her daughter get addicted, and then get out of her addiction (I actually object to this point, and I will write this later). My daughter was finally admitted to a prestigious school.
Games are not the reason why children "miss their lives". The contradictions and conflicts between parents and their children are the ones.
The different attitudes of parents and children towards games have become another "game" that makes children enjoy it: cat and mouse games.
Finally, when the parents let go, the scene where playing games can make parents crazy disappears, and the child suddenly feels bored and no longer "exciting", but stops playing. Because he lost his opponent in the "game".
We focus on solving this situation in the parent growth camp; parents don’t care about it, but the children will sell their game accounts instead.
In the growth camp, more than one child did this. To be honest, this is something I didn’t expect at all.
What should parents do when facing their children's "addiction"?
The most important thing is: to find alternative fun to let children release dopamine in reality.
Such as exercise, challenge, and breaking through oneself.
This summer vacation I sent my daughter to DE summer school. Of course she was reluctant to go there: because there are many breakthroughs, of course she has to endure hardship. She knows that enjoying comfort is human nature, and of course she is not willing to "endure hardship".
I do have some "temptations", but even so, she cried and wanted to come back every day after the first three days of her trip. At that time, she still had urticaria on her body, and I had a lot of unbearableness and could hardly control myself and wanted to take her back.
Fortunately, because of the DE rules, after we, mother and daughter, had been through the painful three days with a heart-wrenching pain, she never called me again to come back.
21 days are here, I'll pick her up. Can you imagine what her first sentence was after seeing me?
She said, "Mom, do you know? I am still a 'society'! (She always said she was a 'society')"
Then she talked endlessly about her brilliant record: she made 12 friends, she ran her first half-marathon in her life, she won the "Color Genius Award"...
The huge breakthrough made my daughter excited to talk to me for a week. In the first week of returning home, she always mentioned summer school . Her father bought a grip exerciser. I said, "That was practiced by my father. You are still young and can't practice! She picked it up and practiced, saying: I have been to summer school!
A sense of pride comes naturally!
Is there anything more important than having children feel confident about themselves?
If a child continues to achieve such breakthroughs in the real world and experiences a full sense of accomplishment, the temptation of online games on him is really not worth mentioning!
Next I want to talk about why I object to your approach to learning from Teacher Yin Jianli?
I understand that Teacher Yin Jianli’s approach is probably: takes the initiative to make the child “sick” once, thereby producing “antibodies”.
I saw on the Internet that Teacher Yin’s daughter has been addicted to games for more than a year. According to an article, "My daughter has been playing games for more than a year, gradually learned to control herself, do everything she should do, and improve efficiency. Yin Jianli believes that this is the real gain of her daughter playing games, and it is more important than getting good grades alone - because children have learned to manage themselves!"
I admire Teacher Yin’s approach very much, but I don’t recommend that you learn this approach.
First is because everyone is different. You are not Teacher Yin Jianli, and your child is not her child.
We can learn from Teacher Yin, learn about her pattern and cultivation as a parent, and her philosophy of games. I fully agree with it.
But: Teacher Yin himself is engaged in education, and she encouraged her daughter to play games because she had the determination. She also believes that her daughter will eventually come out of the game. Even so, Teacher Yin herself is secretly anxious, but her determination is stronger, which can make her respect her daughter more and not destroy the parent-child relationship.
But if you are a mother with a strong sense of anxiety, your child has played games every day for a year, which has also affected his studies. I just say you are not in a hurry, right? I guess some parents are really going crazy!
So it’s good to let it go. I especially agree with what Teacher Yin said: “Game is not a disaster”, there is no need to be demonized, but there is really no need to “encourage” children to play games, I’m afraid that you can’t afford to play in the end.
With a normal mind, if the child wants to play, he can play with him, even if he lets him "satisfied", there is no need to take the initiative to "persuade" the child to play when he is not playing.
Respect the places you can only go to at the moment. Too far away, let you arrive in one day. Apart from driving yourself and your children crazy, you will not let you grow more and faster.
Second, in my opinion, for temptation, there is not only the path of "accept first, then come out".
For temptation, it may be better to accept it later. Or it’s nothing wrong to avoid it actively. It is not necessary to go through the "baptism" of temptation to grow.
"Adolescent Brain Storm" author Daniel Siegel also mentioned in this book that the children of his two friends lost their lives due to overdose of drugs. One died in a traffic accident, the other died of inhaling his own vomit, and died alone in a college dormitory. "So, when parents are anxious about the problem of using drugs, teenagers should understand that parents are very worried about their safety and one approach they should insist on is to avoid such substances altogether".
"At this time, parents need to deal with the possible alcohol addiction of their children, which is very important. Children in adolescence are likely to become addicted by drug abuse. The earlier adolescents are exposed to alcohol and drugs, the more likely they are to become addicted. In fact, the simple definition of addiction is to continue to do this behavior after people know that a certain behavior will harm their lives. The boundary between drug abuse and addiction is very blurred."
Although Daniel Siegel talks about alcohol and drug addiction in this chapter, I think it is also interoperable when using it in games.
Because the brain of adolescents has not yet developed to the point where they can manage themselves well, A child who has been playing with mobile phones every day since he was two or three years old, and a child who has been playing with mobile phones since he was in his teens, which child is more likely to become addicted?
The answer is self-evident.
Adults will also be addicted to games, but adults will come out by themselves, just like Teacher Yin Jianli’s daughter, they are addicted to themselves and come out by themselves.
When I was in the second grade of graduate school, I was also obsessed with playing games. After playing crazy for a month, I came out of the crazy. Fortunately, I had left home at that time. If my parents were in charge of me, I would probably have been able to get out for a longer time, or it is unknown if I couldn’t get out in order to fight against my parents.
More importantly, when I was in graduate school, I was almost 30. I had enough ability to manage myself. Even if I had never played it before, I could still get out of my addiction.
can also stay away from temptation.
My niece, because I felt that mobile games were a temptation for her, she simply did not use her mobile phone when she was in junior high school, and she became the only student in the class who did not use a mobile phone.
When she was in high school, she was admitted to Beijing No. 4 Middle School . Now she uses her mobile phone and finds that she can resist temptation.
Her method is: When you consciously cannot resist temptation, stay away from your phone until that temptation is no longer a temptation.
As a parent, it will not simply learn the "method", it will make you more helpless and collapsed, because you find that the good methods used on others will all fail with your children.
Teacher Yin Jianli can take the initiative to let her children play games because she has a big enough pattern and a high level of cultivation. What we want to learn is actually her pattern and cultivation, not her method.
Former First Lady of the United States Rosalyn Carter said: "Excellent leaders can bring people where they want to go; and outstanding leaders can bring people where they should go but have not thought about going."
Let me apply the words of the first lady: Excellent parents can bring children where they want to go; and outstanding parents can bring children where they should go but have not thought about going.
How big is your pattern and how far you can go, and you can lead your children to go.
Welcome to leave messages and ask questions, let’s discuss together!
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