(This article was first published on the "Liu Run" public account, subscribe to the "Liu Run" public account, and learn about the essence of business with me)
In life, there is a type of people -
They are very good at turning grief into strength, full of passion and high fighting spirit.
sounds great, doesn't it?
But at the same time, they can easily suppress others in their relationships -
They are full of positive energy, but the people around him feel powerless. This phenomenon is not uncommon for
, but why is this happening?
Today I share an article with you, also from [Wu Zhihong].
Teacher Wu Zhihong is my good friend for many years and a psychological counselor with more than 10 years of experience. I have recommended his official account more than once.
He has a lot of sharp insights. Many people who have read his texts say that they are becoming more and more "dare", dare to draw clear boundaries, dare to refuse, dare to fight for...
I personally benefit from it and I also want to share it with you. I hope you can gain some growth and progress!
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Today, I recommend to you the official account of Teacher Wu Zhihong with the same name [Wu Zhihong] , I hope you can gain some growth and progress!
Wu Zhihong Senior psychological counselor, saw the founder of psychology, got a popular columnist, and authored the best-selling books "Why does home hurt people", "Why does love hurt people", etc. Weibo: @Wu Zhihong. Now, Wu Zhihong Psychological Counseling Center has been opened in 11 cities including Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shenzhen, Hangzhou, Xiamen, Chengdu, Suzhou, Nanjing, Qingdao, Wuhan. 621 original content
official account
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The following is the main text
Once a live program was invited to share with a successful entrepreneur.
The entrepreneur talked passionately for 2 hours.
But as a result, the audience could not feel a trace of joy and encouragement.
On the contrary, they feel deep oppression, despair and powerlessness. Why is this happening to
?
Because entrepreneurs are conveying a feeling from beginning to end:
I am strong and optimistic, full of energy, and overcome all difficulties like a heroic warrior, and are impeccable.
But in the face of the confusion and powerlessness raised by the audience, he avoided talking throughout the whole process and refused to respond.
In layman's terms, this is a kind of "self-satisfaction".
In psychology, we call it:
Mania defense .
What is mania defense?
How did it form?
Let’s take a look at Ms. A’s story.
— 1 —
38-year-old Ms. A has had a rough life since childhood.
When she was 3 years old, her father passed away; when she was 4 years old, her mother remarried.
And she was also sent to her strange grandmother's house and was rejected and abused.
Even if she is sick and fever, her aunt will order her to work in the fields.
This is a very bad childhood. Children under this condition generally have various psychological problems.
But the young lady A is strong and optimistic.
is often ruthlessly made things difficult by my aunt in the last second, and the next second, she is like a ok person, playing with her cousin.
seems to be the cruelty of reality, and it has not affected her at all.
This is true in life and in learning.
Other children were complaining about the heavy schoolwork, but she was full of fighting spirit and had very good grades.
Since high school, I have supported myself alone through scholarships, scholarships and work-study. After graduating from university, she entered a well-known multinational group. In less than 7 years, she was promoted to the vice president of the group by the company.
When you come here, you may not be able to help but sigh: With such a powerful life as
, it is difficult for anything else to defeat her!
does not.
This is not the whole picture of Ms. A's life.
html When she was 231 years old, she gave birth to a daughter and officially became a mother.
Children are typical high-demand babies, crying, sensitive, and extremely unstable.
As soon as you leave your mother's arms, you will cry and you can't coax it well...
For most parents, this is a very hard and hard work.
But Ms. A is full of energy and energy -
Registered for a series of parenting courses without stopping, just like conquering barriers, constantly "treating" her daughter with various methods.
Even, she has become a "parenting expert" - often posting parenting posts online, attracting many fans.
But over the years, as the daughter becomes more and more "normal", the relationship between mother and daughter becomes more and more alienated.
Whenever I see my mother, my daughter will run away immediately like she is hiding from the plague god. During
, Ms. A tried every method but failed to ease the relationship. After a friend suggested that she took her daughter to a psychological hospital for evaluation.
— 2 —
Facing the doctor, Ms. A was still very positive and optimistic -
Constantly sharing her experiences and experiences in raising her daughter, full of sense of accomplishment.
At that time, the doctor asked her:
"Your daughter has many problems and is living such a painful life. I'm curious:
Why don't you feel a little negative emotions, it's all positive energy?" Why don't you feel a little negative emotions? ml5 She was stunned for a moment and immediately replied:
"I have always been like this."
Come here, I believe you have discovered:
A Ms.
Overyone encounters misfortune, they will inevitably feel sad, troubled, and even depression;
But in Ms. A, there is only positive energy and negative emotions do not exist.
This is typical mania defense .
It is a positive and optimistic and full of energy developed by people under trauma to avoid depression.
But its essence is not real happiness, but isolation of emotions and denying sadness -
is like a very hard shell, wrapping trauma and suffering layer by layer with positive energy.
For example, young lady A.
After the death of his father, his mother remarried, and was bullied and abused at his grandmother's house.
Any of these things is a major traumatic event for a young child and will cause deep sorrow and fear.
If there is a support behind it, the child may have been crying and making a big fuss.
But unfortunately, Ms. A is always alone and has no support.
Behind her strong and optimistic appearance, it is not "pleasure and enjoyment", but a deep "powerlessness and fear".
With the desire to escape from the cruel reality, bet on energy into learning, running and fighting constantly...
But under the layers of armor, the pain, fear and despair deep in her heart were never seen.
even, she herself couldn't feel it.
In the hospital, the doctor listened to her story and responded gently:
It sounds like you have always been like a warrior, fighting again and again, and you fight beautifully in every battle.
But you are getting more and more exhausted. There seem to be a lot of sad tears and sorrow behind this...
At that moment, Ms. A was suddenly stunned and could not come back to her senses for a long time...
— 3 —
Psychologist Bion said:
When a person experiences suffering, if he does not experience and feels it, he will not feel the pain.
In this way, he will project the pain to the other party in the relationship, or pass it on to the next generation.
A's story is like a magnified mirror, reflecting the shadow of the growth of many people.
We may not have such a miserable childhood, but we have mostly had similar emotional experiences, namely:
Pain is not seen, sadness is not accepted, a feeling of helplessness.
Some children are trapped in a swamp of depression, wrapped in deep weakness and despair;
Some children, like Ms. A, enter manic defense—
perform very positively, very energetic, and have great achievements in studying and working.
Sometimes, it is even regarded as a role model and role model for success by the outside world.
Once in the relationship, manic defenders tend to appear very isolated and indifferent.
cannot feel the pain of oneself or the pain of others.
is like Ms. A facing her daughter.
She was like a warrior, constantly solving various problems presented by her daughter;
But she couldn't feel the powerlessness and pain behind her daughter's series of symptoms at all.
On the surface, the problems have been solved one by one;
But in fact, what children need most may be a warm hug to establish a connection with their mothers.
And Ms. A's emotional neglect again and again, invisibly hurt her daughter, aggravating her daughter's pain. The same is true for entrepreneurs mentioned at the beginning of the article.
He told inspirational stories passionately.
tells how you overcome all obstacles, overcome all difficulties, and achieve success.
But I can't feel the dilemma of the audience at all.
All of this undoubtedly aggravates the audience's sense of powerlessness and is difficult to resonate with.
Perhaps what the audience needs most is just a sincere understanding and response.
Looking around, it is not difficult to find:
This is not a few special cases, but a microcosm common to many contemporary people.
When they were young, they were forced to learn to grow up before they could learn to cry.
When they grow up, they are very capable;
But in the relationship, they are like a baby, weak, full of isolation, and unable to establish connections with people.
— 4 —
Of course, not all strong and optimistic people have manic defense.
It is actually not difficult to truly identify it:
See if he dares to express his fragility and sadness.
For example, some "super academic masters" or "workaholics" in life.
They often encounter misfortune one second, break up with their lover, and their relatives get sick or die...
The next second, they can immediately devote themselves to study and work with passion, and there is no sign of emotional fluctuations. People like
mostly start manic defense.
The vitality he showed was just a kind of false optimism, not a joy from the heart.
usually works with this type of person, and it is difficult for you to feel the resonance between energy and passion;
On the contrary, you will feel deep despair and powerlessness, because they are like machines that never stop and never respond to your emotional needs.
If you often unconsciously use manic defense in your daily life, then I will sincerely invite you:
Try to stay in chaos for a while to be aware and feel your true existence.
Try to see your true emotions.
Whether it is fear, fear and panic;
is sadness, pain and despair...
When we were young, we often fantasized it as a horror monster, activated layers of defense, kept escaping, and avoiding being hurt by it.
But now, we have grown up and have enough maturity and wisdom to coexist with it.
From it you may find:
The monsters in our past illusions do not exist.
The true emotions in our hearts will rise and dissipate, and will not really cause harm to you.
We are safe.
Only when we truly realize this can we put aside our defense and stay safely in place -
The blue sky above our heads, rooted in the earth, connected with the people, things and things around us, and experience the relaxation and joy that arises in our hearts.
Last words
Last, I want to clarify one thing:
I wrote this article and did not deny or criticize the defense mechanism.
On the contrary, to a certain extent, I am glad that it exists -
It is a survival strategy that people have to choose in order to protect themselves in order to protect themselves.
But at the same time, it is also a kind of self-restriction.
is like a thick shell, wrapping the most real emotions and needs in a person's heart layer by layer.
After understanding the heavy sadness behind various defenses, I have a deep feeling:
Many times, we are not without tears, but we just dare not cry, or we do not know how to cry.
Nowadays, we have grown up and have the power to adulthood.
You can try to put down your defense little by little, reconnect and nourish the weak and helpless self in your heart, and empower him.
thus becomes more real, complete and calm.
Finally, I hope we can all become people who see our tears.
I would like to write this article to share with you.
Author: Tianya, majoring in psychology at South China Normal University, sheep confessor APP; Editor: Chen Chenchen.
The original public account of this article is Wu Zhihong (ID: wzhxlx).
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