Sanmao is a legendary figure. She has traveled to 59 countries in her life and traveled all over the world. She once said to her sister Chen Tianxin: Sister, I live more than you live ten lives.

On the morning of January 4, 1991, the famous Taiwanese writer Sanmao was found hanging herself in the bathroom of the ward of Rong General Hospital.

Sanmao is a legendary figure. She has traveled to 59 countries in her life and has traveled all over the world. She once said to her sister Chen Tianxin: Sister, I live more than you live ten lives.

She repeatedly told her sister that she was not brave enough and always lived in the role that others expected.

ss sanmao in the Sahara Desert

She said:

I don’t, I want to be myself, I don’t care what others think.

It is this kind of self-doing that is different from others that leads to Sanmao's life tragedy , and the source of this tragedy was already hidden in Sanmao's famous work " The Story of the Sahara ".

Behind Sanmao's romantic legendary life is a lonely soul.

1. Sahara is beautiful, life is hard

Sanmao has always said that he has been seeking the olive tree in his dreams all his life.

Some people say that Sanmao pursues this kind of olive tree in her dreams because she is dissatisfied with reality, so she cannot stop wandering.

With such a dream, Sanmao traveled all over the world and then came to the Sahara.

In "From a Family in the Time of Hand", Sanmao said that Sahara is her second hometown and her lover in her dreams. This kind of feeling belongs to the nostalgia like memories of the previous life.

Then Sanmao came and handed himself unreservedly to this strange land.

Ideal is full and reality is skinny.

Sanmao just got off the plane and saw Hose coming to pick up the plane. In just three months, the bright and handsome Jose's appearance changed a lot:

Very dirty jeans, their hands were rough, their hair and beard were covered with yellow dust, the wind blew his face red, his lips were chapped, but his eyes seemed to have a hidden pain on the bed.

Sanmao was shocked and thrust in pain when he saw Jose like this.

Jose's appearance and facial expression have undergone such a drastic change in just three months of life in the desert. This made Sanmao realize that waiting for her desert life will not be an ideal utopia, but may be a cruel reality.

got off the plane, and Jose took Sanmao back to his rented home. As soon as he entered the door, he anxiously asked Sanmao about his first impression of the home.

Sanmao said:

I heard my almost artificial voice answering him nervously: Very good, I like it, really, let's take your time to arrange it.

Sanmao couldn't bear to express his disappointment, so he could only pretend to be happy in front of Jose.

After saying this, she sat on the big box, silently.

The feeling of loss in Sanmao's heart is unexpressible. This feeling of disappointment can no longer be concealed when buying something. Material poverty and the price is scary, Sanmao couldn't help but complain.

What can I choose? There is only one small refrigerator store, and the gas stove is the same. When I think of the dark home I rented, I have no interest.

That night, Sanmao shrank in her sleeping bag, Jose wrapped a thin blanket, and was frozen all night in the temperature near zero.

Reality did not favor her because Sanmao loved this land, but instead dealt a more severe blow to her.

During the day, Sanmao walked home alone with the handle of the heavy water tank in both hands. Under the scorching sun, sweating like rain, spine trembled with pain, red face and ears ~

Then, Sanmao often borrowed the neighbor's iron carbon stove, squatted outside the door and slapped the fire, choking and tears kept flowing.

The dream of that year gradually faded in the face of the cruelty of reality and turned into an ascetic suffering.

These hardships in the body can be overcome slowly.Just like what Sanmao didn't say in front of Jose, he still regarded me as a vanity woman without weight after wandering alone for so many years. Sanmao held his breath and wanted to prove his potential in life.

Physical torture can be eliminated in Jose's hug and comfort, but spiritual loneliness cannot be eliminated.

Dun is coming, and I look at the big hole in all directions and see the gray sand quietly sprinkled down like powder. The night is coming, and I light a candle to see what its tears are like.

Deep loneliness! It seems that there is only Sanmao in the world. The desert at night is unbearable, plus Jose's body temperature is not available. Because Jose has to go to work, this lonely boat-like home in the desert only has a male owner on weekends.

Whenever Jose left home to go to work, Sanmao would shed tears irrationally, then rushed to the rooftop to see, and saw him, she rushed down and chased him again.

Can you stay? Please, there is no electricity today, I am very lonely.

Sanmao begged to Jose in this way.

I think of the brave woman who was determined to be alone back then, and came to this barren land with longing and longing. Unexpectedly, she was defeated by loneliness and loneliness.

Jose's colleague sometimes drives a car to call her at night. But Sanmao knew that these kindnesses were all sympathy, so she would proudly refuse. She was like a wounded beast, and a little thing would anger her, and she would cry weakly.

Sanmao sometimes looks at the vast desert:

When I see the beautiful scenery of a group of antelope at sunrise and sunset, my heart forgets the boredom and hardship in real life.

The Sahara Desert is so beautiful, but the review here requires incomparable perseverance to adapt to yourself!
Sanmao emphasized that she did not hate the desert, she just suffered a small setback in the process of getting used to it.

Sanmao comforted himself and adapted hard. But whenever life falls into dissatisfaction, her sorrow and frustration will appear and become an indelible shadow in her heart.

Sanmao mentioned many times in his letter at home:

Life here is very lonely, and I hope to return to Spain in December.

When I thought about going back to the desert, I felt lost.

I am eager to leave the desert as soon as possible, otherwise there will be no future in the desert.

Such emotions have a concentrated outbreak in "Dead Fruit":

I mean - I mean - no matter how hard I try to adapt to the days of the desert, I have endured this lifestyle and environment.

When ideals conflict with reality, Sanmao tried hard to stick to their ideals and adapt to reality, but the ideals were slightly broken in the face of cruel reality.

The mysterious and mysterious beautiful Sahara, the second hometown of the dream lover, was gone forever.

The Sahara Desert has a very important significance in Sanmao's life. No place completely destroyed the olive tree in her dream like Sahara.

2. We are not them

so we still need to have furniture to live without being sad.

This is what Jose said when comforting Sanmao in "Free Hands".

Sanmao has always wanted to avoid the hustle and bustle of life in big cities, and even wants to find a paradise to live in seclusion. However, as a civilized person, she often analyzes that it is difficult to get rid of the class she was born with. For the Sahara people, nothing was necessary for her home, but for Sanmao, she could not escape this shackle and made the surrounding environment as complicated as before.

In fact, Sanmao's free and easy belongs to his own way of doing things beyond the norm within a controllable range, rather than being truly unruly. He can be a running water duckweed and hesitate as he goes.

With this concept of civilization, Sanmao's lifestyle in the Sahara has a clear distinction between the lives of the locals.

In Sanmao's eyes, the Saharawes is ignorant, backward, and barbaric, and belongs to an uneducated nation.

In "Fang Neighbor", Sanmao repeatedly wrote that Saharawei people often borrowed things but refused to return them. They were stingy, selfish, rude and rude. The Saharawei girls who came to play often messed up Sanmao's home.

Girl with a good relationship with Sanmao will take Sanmao's shoes without complaining. When Sanmao was scolded after wearing them, she would also be rude and angry.

"The Bride of the Doll" states that the local Saharavilian girls don't know how old they are. The marriage is entirely decided by their parents. When the little girl was ten years old, her father married Abudi, who was in her 20s.

At the wedding, when Abu Di walked out of the room with a blood-stained white cloth, his friend started to call, an ambiguousness that could not be described in his voice.

Sanmao felt disappointed and ridiculous. She stood up and strode out without saying goodbye to anyone.

In "Desert Bathing Record", those Saharawei women who live in tents only take a bath once every three or four years, so they have to scrape it with small stone pieces until the whole body is loose and then rinse it with water.

A woman had already scraped all over her body and had not washed away yet. A child outside cried. She ran out naked and carried the baby in to feed her. The sewage on her body flowed to her chest, and the child mixed with the sewage and sucked the milk.

Sanmao stared blankly at the scene with a terrifying dirty head, his stomach churned, and he couldn't bear it anymore, so he turned around and ran out of the room.

It can be seen that Sanmao is full of contempt for the dirty Saharavilian woman. The differences in regional habits, lifestyles and cultural differences made Sanmao unable to understand how the Saharaweis could continue in this kind of life and get happiness.

In "Mutual Slave", Sanmao expressed dissatisfaction with the phenomenon of slavery in the Saharavada, and was hated by the locals.

The backwardness, barbarity and vulgarity of slavery made Sanmao feel ridiculous and incomprehensible.

" Crying Camel " writes about the prejudice of the Saharawi people against women, which eventually led to the tragic ending of Shaida, which made Sanmao fall into grief.

As Sanmao said, this classification of classes is innate and cannot be changed in many cases. It has become a resistance for Sanmao to adapt to desert life.

3. In fact, Jose doesn't understand her

In Sanmao's life, loneliness can never be driven away, even after she has Jose.

"Hotel in the Desert ", Sanmao said this:

It's a pity that my husband is a foreigner, because Chinese and customs do have very different differences between countries, and our marriage life really has many things that cannot be shared.

Of course, as readers of Sanmao, we all know that Sanmao and Jose have a good relationship. Jose loves Sanmao very much, and Sanmao loves Jose too. This is correct.

But does Jose understand Sanmao? This question is worth thinking about.

In "Marriage Record", the two got married, and Jose gave Sanmao a complete camel skull that he had searched in the desert for a long time to find as a wedding gift. Sanmao was very excited and said that Jose was her soulmate, which was the best wedding gift.

Jose didn't say a word, and was pushing his huge rock like the deity in the Greek myth.

This is the appreciation and pride that Sanmao expressed for Jose's responsibility and fulfilling her husband's responsibilities in "From a Family" .

However, if you think carefully, Jose's care for Sanmao is mostly material help and the fulfillment of her husband's responsibilities, such as making furniture for Sanmao, giving her salary to Sanmao, and of course, she also has an understanding of Sanmao's own behavior. But there is only a lack of true understanding and understanding of Sanmao's mind.

Sanmao said this:

Sometimes when I think about Jose, I am stupid, so I feel a little sad.

Sanmao needs Jose more, which is greater than Ihose.

In the letter at home, Sanmao said this and his understanding of his marriage with Jose:

I can't say that I love Jose very much, but after following such a person, I shouldn't complain. He is a man like a man and cannot be considerate, but he doesn't say that he does and is willing to take responsibility, and I don't ask for more.

In another letter, he said:

It’s a pity that he doesn’t understand Chinese. This is the most lonely thing. He is a foreigner and cannot understand everything in my heart. He doesn’t even understand what I write. It’s really a pity.

Jose is not in a hurry at all. He is young and only knows how to drink soda and eat ice cream. He asks me to buy ice cream cake every day. He has bought vegetables these days and has cakes eaten every day, so he won’t save it.

Sanmao married Jose in 1973 and left the Sahara Desert in 1975. Sanmao's loneliness has not been relieved, so it is said that Sanmao and Jose cannot achieve spiritual communication is also one of the reasons for Sanmao's tragedy.

In addition, Sanmao is very superstitious and sees life and death very thoroughly.

As early as when Jose was alive, she said this in her letter at home: Jose goes diving, dive for him. If something happens, life will be like this. You have to go sooner or later, so there is no need to be too sad.

In "Dead Fruit", she said: I was thinking, maybe I always have the desire to end my life in my subconscious. So, the disease comes.

This emotion is even stronger in "How many flowers fall in dreams ":

A while ago, I talked to my parents late at night, and I suddenly said, if I chose the path of ending my life, you should also think clearly, because it will be a happier destination in me.

Sanmao is always mentally out of a state of homelessness. When Jose was alive, she felt unsatisfied. After Jose passed away, there was no one around him who could give body warmth, and the world became even more lonely.

So, Sanmao's tragedy is not temporary, but engraved in his bones. This clue already existed in the Sahara Desert. Later, with Jose's departure, this feeling of no conversion became stronger, so it became imperative to choose to end your life.

As my sister said: Everything is only in her heart, so no one can save her.

There is no savior in the world, only you can save yourself.

Actually, if you think about it carefully, this is true for each of us.

Dear friend, I wish you take care of yourself!

Healthy, safe and happy life!

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