Whether facing colleagues or patients, Jiang Shan has always been patient. Her maturity and tenderness are like the "live sign" of the emergency department.
But even such a head nurse who acts almost perfectly in front of others always has a sad face.
The sorrow that cannot be twisted is like a dark cloud, pressing heavily between her eyebrows. It made her look particularly tired and older.
What overwhelmed her?
All this starts with her husband.
Eighty or nine years ago, Jiang Shan and his fiancé Jiang Xianyun were preparing to get married. All the wedding photos were taken and the children were also there, but a car accident almost destroyed everything.
Jiang Xianyun fell hemiplegia , and the child in Jiang Shan's belly was not saved. Everyone advised Jiang Shan to give up getting married.
After all, with Jiang Xianyun's body, if the two get married, Jiang Shan will not only support him for the rest of his life, but also take care of him for the rest of his life.
This is not easy for a man, let alone Jiang Shan and a woman.
But the kind Jiang Shan insisted on getting married. Moreover, this marriage lasted for eight years.
01: The marriage between Jiang Shan and Jiang Xianyun is about "mutual internal friction" and "mutual torture"
In the eight-year marriage between Jiang Shan and Jiang Xianyun, Jiang Shan was coping with the busy work in the emergency department while taking care of Jiang Xianyun who was paralyzed in bed.
For other colleagues, getting off work is just a break. But for Jiang Shan, it was another busy life.
Buy groceries and cook, wash clothes, clean and help Jiang Xianyun wipe his body. All the things were waiting for her to go home to do.
After years of "continuous progress", Jiang Shan is so old that she looks older than her peers.
Jiang Shan never complains about the hardships of life in front of Jiang Xianyun, and Jiang Xianyun rarely complains about the pain in her body and her incompetent and hopeless life in front of her.
Although their marriage doesn't seem to be very happy, it is not shrouded in "unfortunate". Everything looks so dull and so precious.
but that's just "look".
Most of the hard-won peaceful marriage life of Jiang Shan and Jiang Xianyun is an illusion created by the two of them carefully.
Both of them are trying hard to maintain this marriage and not touch each other's pain points.
In order to make the other party happy, one hides his fatigue and power, and the other hides his illness and despair.
Once upon a time, they married without hesitation for love.
Now for love, they not only hide each other's despair and powerlessness, but also hide each other's real needs.
Jiang Shan wants a child and a complete home. Jiang Xianyun wants dignity, a sense of value, and a relief.
But all this demand is drowned in this marriage in the name of love.
There is no problem with love, nor does Jiang Shan and Jiang Xianyun. But marriages that seem to have no problems are full of problems.
Jiang Shan exhausted her physical strength, mental energy, and her youth in this marriage.
And Jiang Xianyun is also constantly consuming internally in this marriage, but he is consuming his only remaining dignity.
is so painful that is incontinence dare not say anything. This is Jiang Xianyun's difficult struggle in the face of suffering and the deprivation of dignity by illness.
Jiang Shan is extremely miserable, but the most painful thing is Jiang Xianyun.
For Jiang Shan, Jiang Xianyun has been suffering from illness. I dare not say I give up, let alone divorce. Even if it hurts, I have to welcome her off work with a smile.
Yu Hua said "a critical moment". If you use a hair to bear a weight of tens of millions of pounds, it will bear it. This is "living".
So, behind Jiang Xianyun's life is the tense life string.
It is precisely because of this that the sudden advanced stage of pancreatic cancer became the last straw that broke Jiang Xianyun.
02: Symptom is Jiang Xianyun’s true fragility
If the advanced stage of pancreatic cancer is not diagnosed, then Jiang Xianyun’s life will be long.
Despite the weight-bearing state of life, Jiang Xianyun was in pain. But for Jiang Shan, he was willing to bear the hardships of living and was willing to take on the "critical" difficulty.
However, the diagnosis of advanced pancreatic cancer undoubtedly ruined Jiang Xianyun's last thoughts and made him completely fall into darkness.
Desperate Jiang Xianyun chose to commit suicide.
Jiang Xianyun must have always had the idea of committing suicide, but he has never been as firm as he is now.
Jiang Xianyun can burn a pot of water, and he can burn himself. But this time he was able to climb up the window and jump down from the fourth floor smoothly, which was enough to show his determination to commit suicide.
His suicide, on the surface, was to avoid dragging Jiang Shan, but more so, he still wanted to be relieved.
This kind of liberation is reflected in two aspects, one is the body and the other is the spirit.
Jiang Xianyun's body has always been in pain. At the beginning, it was the pain of a car accident, and then it was the pain of central nerve . Now, there is another pain of pancreatic cancer .
How painful is it in advanced stages of pancreatic cancer?
In episode 8, Jiang Xianyun, who was alone at home, suffered from urinary incontinence. But at that time, everyone thought he was suffering from the central nervous system.
The pain in advanced pancreatic cancer will continue to worsen as the condition worsens.
On the one hand, there is advanced cancer , which was sentenced to death by the doctor, and on the other hand, there is unbearable pain in the body. Anyone will want to be relieved.
The physical pain certainly made Jiang Xianyun feel in pain. But what he couldn't accept the most was the unspeakable "shaming".
Before there was a car accident, Jiang Xianyun was a teacher. Decent and talented. But after the car accident, everything changed.
He lost his ability to work, and even taking care of himself is a big problem.
A man needs to be raised by women and taken care of by women. The first thing Jiang Xianyun lost is his self-esteem as a man.
Immediately afterwards, it is the dignity and dignity of being a human being.
is still the plot of episode 8. Jiang Xianyun, who was alone at home, wanted to cook a pot of water for Jiang Shan to drink after get off work, but the water was not boiled, but instead burned himself.
It was also at this time that Jiang Xianyun had pancreatic cancer attacks and had urinary incontinence.
and Jiang Shan took Lu Ping'an back home. What he saw was Jiang Xianyun lying on the ground, with a large piece of crotch wet and a messy scene of urine stains on the ground.
Writer's male colleague caught him "pissed his pants". At this time, Jiang Xianyun said that he would be as embarrassed as he would be.
Stop Lu Ping'an from touching him is the only act of regaining respect this man can do. But this behavior seems so pale in front of your paralyzed body.
Looking at Lu Ping'an's clothes wet with urine, Jiang Xianyun was ashamed of shame.
while saying self-giving words, he was swept away by a deep sense of powerlessness. In the face of illness, Jiang Xianyun lost the decency and dignity he deserved.
When cancer was not diagnosed, Jiang Xianyun lived so much as "human".
If the pancreatic cancer condition worsens later, will Jiang Xianyun still have decent and dignity at the last moment of his life?
, a deep-seated and helpless sense of shame, is the root cause of Jiang Xianyun's complete loss of confidence in life.
03: Love is giving, and respect
Jiang Shan’s love for Jiang Xianyun is sincere.
Knowing that Jiang Xianyun was paralyzed, he still married him without hesitation. For eight years, I have taken good care of myself and had no regrets. Anyone who sees it will be moved.
But at the same time, Jiang Shan’s love is also heavy. It trapped Jiang Xianyun and herself. Let the two of them keep fighting in this marriage.
Jiang Shan couldn't understand Jiang Xianyun's suicide and didn't understand how he could leave himself behind.
Seeing Jiang Xianyun being tortured by illness and having no will to live, she cried over and over again, begged, "Just just for me to persevere."
But does this "persistence" make sense?
Sometimes, love is giving. But more often, love is a kind of respect. Since Jiang Xianyun's condition is powerless to recover, why not let him go through the last journey with dignity?
is the nature of love and human nature. But letting go with a choice and letting him leave with dignity is the true meaning of love.
Jiang Shan’s bondage in the name of love, in the end, she was the only one who moved herself.
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