The movie "Spring Tide" released on May 17 this year has sparked heated discussions about the "original family".
This movie starring Hao Lei, Jin Yanling , Qu Junxi, Li Wenbo, and special starring Huang Shanghe and is based on real life. It focuses on the Chinese-style mother-daughter relationship, focusing the conflict and contradictions on the three generations of women of grandparents and grandchildren. Once the
film was released, it won multiple awards - from the JJIA Photography Award at the 22nd Shanghai International Film Festival Golden Gogh Award, nominated for the JJIA Drama Film, to the shortlisted for the JIA Drama Feature Film at the 13th FIRST Youth Film Festival, and the main competition unit of the 15th Osaka Asian Film Festival. At the same time, it has been recognized by many movie fans, and everyone expressed their empathy and believed that this was a new breakthrough in female-themed films.
The original family in "Spring Tide" recreates the relationship difficulties among millions of families. In the film, the daughter Guo Jianbo was pregnant before marriage, gave birth to her daughter Guo Wanting, became a single mother, and lived together at the home of her mother Ji Minglan. Ji Minglan has not looked good at Guo Jianbo since she was a child and seems very strong. She always abuses, accuses, and even curses her daughter Guo Jianbo. Guo Jianbo grew up silently under the contempt and curse of her mother. The subtle and secret relationship between the mother and daughter made the grandson learn to observe his words and expressions at a young age and had to act as a mediator for his grandmother and mother. It was not until Guo Jianbo was 40 years old and his mother fell ill that this tense relationship was relieved, and Guo Jianbo found his life.
In contrast, in real life, it is not uncommon for mothers to curse children. There is a question on Zhihu: "I'm going crazy, I'm cursed by my mother to die soon? What should I do?" It turned out that because the questioner sprinkled the eggs while cooking, his mother wanted to chop him up with a knife. He was afraid and said sorry in his mouth. However, the irritable mother chased him from the kitchen to the bedroom. Finally, she slashed hard on his computer desk and cursed him: "Why don't you die? How great is you die." He was frightened and angry, and his whole body was trembling, and he cried like anger. He had the idea of dying. Finally, my mother also summarized: "I just raised a beast." There are many people who have the same feelings under the topic of . Some people in said: "I'm used to it." Some people replied: "I can only endure it silently and wait until the day they leave."
This is like "Spring Tide". Three generations of women are fighting each other, making the uneasy emotions like a turbulent tide, surging under the seemingly flat appearance. Only when everyone's emotions can gush out like water, can they get quiet. And how to flow out seems to be indescribable.
In fact, whether in the film or in real life, it is not difficult for us to find that in the original family, there is indeed a "toxic relative" relationship. is a common relationship between - many parents either interfere or are indifferent to their children. When they encounter unhappy in life, they usually curse their children to vent their dissatisfaction. What is the reason for ? What harm will it cause to the child? What exactly should we do to get out of this "toxic relative" relationship in our original family?
1. What is the "toxic relative" relationship in the original family?
Children are essential to get along with their parents while growing up. In this process, excessive interference and indifference of parents will lead to abnormal mental development of the child and will have different degrees of impact and poisoning on the child's future birth. is a "toxic relative" relationship.
In this regard, Japan has conducted a survey on the topic of "parents". The survey selected 1,477 men and women aged 20-60 nationwide. Among these people, 23.7% of the respondents believed that they were "a failure of parents' education." : In terms of gender and age, 20+ women account for the largest proportion.
In "Spring Tide", mother Ji Minglan and daughter Guo Jianbo are representative of this typical "toxic relative" relationship. Ji Minglan is both strong, cold and aggressive. She is used to venting her resentment towards Guo Jianbo and treating her with a bad attitude.This led to Guo Jianbo being able to compete with silence, and eventually becoming a "double-faced person" like his mother, pregnant before marriage, a single mother... Such an unfortunate life is completely a failed life caused by the curse of his mother. Just like Guo Jianbo's monologue: "How many nights do I want to lie in my mother's arms, but most of the time, I lie next to the man..."
The "poisonous relative" relationship in the original family is often manifested as using abuse and curse to control and bind children. There are many such scenes in the film.
① Ji Minglan scolded his daughter.
Guo Jianbo did nothing wrong in front of his mother, and he would be scolded no matter how he did it.
When she talks, she will be scolded by her mother: "I have never been a shameless person like you."
When she doesn't talk, she will be grabbed and scolded: "If you see if I'm happy, just throw cold water on me."
Guo Jianbo is a reporter who reports some negative news in society, but his mother sneered: "...You just say that he has a good personality when he does, isn't you a reporter? Why are you so fair and just?", "With the salary of the country, eat the food of the country, and you have to expose the shortcomings of the country, don't know how to be grateful and sting outside!"
②Ji Minglan will slander his daughter.
In order to steal the emotions of his daughter Guo Wanting, Ji Minglan even did not hide her contempt for her mother in front of her granddaughter Guo Wanting, and also accused Guo Jianbo's father, saying that Guo Jianbo once wanted to kill her biological daughter. She said to Guo Wanting: "I can't hand you over to someone who wants to kill you."
③ Ji Minglan even cursed her daughter.
My mother organized community activities at home. Guo Jianbo had nowhere to go home, so she had to go into the kitchen. As soon as she lit a cigarette, her mother came in: "I haven't seen so many people still smoke. You have something wrong with it."
My mother went home at a class reunion. Because she was still drunk, she began to tell the pain she suffered throughout her life and said that she would not be a slave for the rest of her life. She said, "I don't owe you Guo's family." She also scolded Guo Jianbo for being shameless!"
My mother could not live a comfortable and happy life. Once her mother found that her daughter was happy, she refused to give in. Her good life was a kind of disapproval of her hard work in the past.
④ Ji Minglan’s control over his daughter.
The mother acts as a devotee, but controls her daughter. When Guo Jianbo was a child, he went out with his father. His mother told her not to let his father touch or touch him, and if his father does this, he will resist.
Guo Jianbo missed his father and took out his father's photo. His mother took it over and burned it immediately because she thought it was a kind of betrayal.
2. The harm of "poisonous relatives" relationships in the original family to children.
The producer of the film, Li Yaping, once said: "We cannot choose who our parents are, nor can we cut off the connection with them, but this determines whether we are happy or not. We must respect the cognition of the emotional world of the closest people."
As a mother, Ji Minglan constantly abuses his daughter Guo Jianbo's heart. On the one hand, she transfers pessimism and disgust to her innocent daughter. On the other hand, I want to use this method to let my daughter share the suffering in her life and recognize her value. practice will at least bring three kinds of harm to the child.
①Compulsive repetition.
What is compulsive repetition?
Founder psychology master Freud explains this: a person stubbornly repeats certain seemingly meaningless activities, or repeatedly relives certain painful experiences and experiences. And compulsive repetitions not only occur in the same person, but also often occur intergenerational transmission in the family. A brief understanding: "Happy families are happy from generation to generation, and unhappy families are unfortunate from generation to generation." Among all parent-child relationships, mother-daughter relationships are most likely to experience compulsive repetition.
In "Spring Tide", Guo Jianbo is in a state of "aphasia". She tries to escape from the shadow of her mother, and does not want to repeat her life, nor does she want to be a person like her.
We probably thought that Guo Jianbo was different from Ji Minglan : she was silent, her mother was vicious; she was single, her mother got married and had children. However, from the bottom of my heart, she was on the same path as her mother: smoking, suffering criticism, double-faced, and wanted to change her destiny with the help of men. From the film, we can see that Ji Minglan also smoked before. Ji Minglan was kind and enthusiastic to outsiders, but was sarcastic to his biological daughter. Similarly, Guo Jianbo is a journalist who is the solemn reporter of , but he becomes a rebellious daughter at home. Ji Minglan committed to others changing her life; Guo Jianbo also used lying beside a man to fill in his mother's embrace.
②Depression and self-harm.
In "Spring Tide", when three generations live together, the atmosphere is tense and suffocating. The only time Guo Jianbo spoke at at home was to the old man who likes Ji Minglan . Guo Jianbo never talks about his mother's curse, and when his emotions explode, he shows depression. She will extinguish smoke on the dumpling skin, flood the living room, and even pinch cactus with bare hands, letting thorns pierce into her hands, and she doesn't feel pain when she is dripping blood...
From a psychological point of view, self-harm and self-harm behavior is based on Freud's "death instinct", that is, self-punishment and destruction. Therefore, self-harm and self-harm are equivalent to self-denial and self-indulgence.
In fact, Guo Jianbo's self-attack method is to vent his dissatisfaction. Generally speaking, people who choose to hurt themselves without expressing their depression are symptoms of depression.
③ Don’t understand what love is.
A person who has never received love has never been loved will lose the ability and judgment of his lover. Ji Minglan in the film
has an unhappy marriage and her husband cheats on her, so she has to take care of Guo Jianbo and live a difficult life. But in , in Guo Jianbo's memory, Ji Minglan controlled the atmosphere of the whole family. She and her father seemed redundant. When she first had her first menstruation, she quickly asked her mother. The mother thought it was troublesome and asked coldly: "Why are you here?" Obviously, Ji Minglan's love has dried up and she cannot input her love to her daughter.
As a result, Guo Jianbo did not receive normal care from his mother, so he threw himself into the man's arms to find warmth and care.
3. Change the "family coding" and get out of the "toxic relative" relationship.
Children cannot choose their parents, can they only let themselves repeat the same mistakes? How can we get out of the influence and harm caused by the original family and complete self-salvation?
Regarding the entanglement between mother and daughter, there is no answer to reconciliation in the film, but at the end of the film, Guo Jianbo's monologue in the 7 minutes before his mother's bedside, he has given us enlightenment: The curse of the mother is form, not essence, not essence, not the main cause. Instead of complaining, the child should try to change the "family coding" to complete self-salvation. Because waiting for a natural disease and death is too long and the cost is too high.
So, what is "home encoding"?
Relevant experts said, "To a certain extent, anyone is an individual driven by the joint driving of biological genes and cultural genes. Biological genes come from parents, while cultural genes come from the sum of the cultural heritage of the family ancestors of both parents and the surrounding social environment."
That is, the habits and ideas formed by a person during his growth become the cultural gene encoding of the person. These encodings are like computer programs, which automatically and long-term control of individual behaviors and choices, invisibly affecting people's choices in career, friendships, marriage partners, etc. - it seems that you are actively making choices, but in fact there are internal reasons to make decisions for you.
For example, between apples and pears, if you choose apples, you must be influenced by some habits and ideas. , and once this "coding" is loosened and changed, self-growth will occur. Whether it is parents or children, their attitudes, opinions and practices towards themselves, life, and even towards children will change. To achieve this change, resolve the harm caused by parents, and complete self-salvation, you can use the following two methods:
① Understand parents' experiences and understand parents' behaviors.
Parents’ life experience and limited cognition make it difficult for parents to achieve such changes. Therefore, it will be relatively easier to let children take the initiative to make changes.
Just like Guo Jianbo in "Spring Tide", she only understands one thing, knowing that her father is the source of all misfortunes in her mother's life, but she does not know that the reason why her mother often curses her and prevents her from having a good life is actually due to self-loathing and pessimism and world-weariness. Who would have thought that a community leader who can stand alone would hate him? Guo Jianbo would never have thought that his mother could not extricate herself from this pain. If Guo Jianbo understood and understood the internal factors under his mother's behavior, he would let his mother understand that she deserved to make her live a good life and a smooth life, maybe she wouldn't have to wait that long to get relief.
American psychologist Dr. Barry Groskopf told the story of his father being scolded by his father when he was in middle school. That day, he borrowed a pair of socks from his father because of an activity in school, but was scolded by his father for 2-3 hours. This made him feel hurt and thus alienated his father. Many years later, he realized the reason why his father got angry. It turned out that in the cold winter, his father sold his shoes and socks to spend the winter barefoot in order to change his stuttering, so he had an abnormal "sock complex". This led to a fierce reaction from my father to borrow socks. When Groskopf understood his father's experience, he understood his father's behavior of scolding him, which not only allowed the resentment to disappear, but also gave him more compassion and respect for such a father.
Therefore, children who are hurt by their parents can achieve self-salvation by understanding and understanding their parents.
② Only by understanding the "hurt" of parents can one complete self-salvation.
The form of distance from distance may make the child think that he is successful in "self-shaping". Once he gets angry or his emotions are out of control, the child will definitely look like his parents. Therefore, staying away from his parents cannot let the child be freed from the harm and influence of his parents' behavior.
Although children are independent individuals, they cannot be immune to their own family. has stagnated or distorted from the root, and the child's behavior pattern is closely linked to the parents' pattern. children are subjectively unwilling to become like their parents, but they involuntarily repeat the patterns of their parents' life, so that this "poisonous" family relationship will be passed down from generation to generation, just like the ancestral teachings.
To achieve change and heal the harm, only by forgiveing parents' behavior of hurting themselves and seeing the internal causes of their curse can one get real liberation. Just like in "Spring Tide", after a disease, Guo Jianbo saw that "father is a big gangster" was not a fact, but because of her mother's inner creations. So he reorganized his emotions and used a 7-minute monologue to "code" his concept again, which changed her attitude towards her mother. She helped her mother carefully wipe her body and stayed in front of her bed. Through this kind of understanding behavior, she not only walked out of the shadow of her mother cursing herself, but also helped her not to follow her mother's path in her future life.
is like the last spring tide in the film, moving forward freely. Guo Jianbo completed his self-salvation, and let his mother curse her daughter's family pattern come to an abrupt end, and she herself has gained the freedom to pursue her own life again.
Conclusion:
The relationship between Ji Minglan and Guo Jianbo in the movie "Spring Tide" is sad. At the same time, we are also reminded that the harm suffered by in the original family is not only to wait for a natural disease and death to be liberated and regain our own life. It is better to try to actively change the "family coding" and complete self-salvation.
Children have a deep understanding of their parents’ experiences and past, which will help change the tense parent-child relationship. They will accept the "curse" of their parents by understanding their parents’ past. On the basis of understanding and understanding, enter the code of "understanding" to truly get out of the shadow and hurt of the "pro-toxic" relationship, and ultimately let the emotions flow, return themselves, and gain a new life.
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