says, "A hundred years of cultivation can make you cross the same boat, and a thousand years of cultivation can make you sleep together." For every couple, it is very difficult to meet, know each other from the sea of people, and enter the marriage hall together, especially for women, they regard marriage as a lifelong entrustment.
Every woman has great expectations when she enters the beginning of her marriage. The scenes of sweet life after marriage and the scenes of loving love have become their confidence and determination to continue in marriage.
But marriage is different from love. It requires not only romantic love, but more of the management of marriage. Those trivialities of food, food, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea, and one of them is inappropriately handled may become the initiator of the conflict in marriage.
The life of a marriage may be dull, because more than ten years will be the same as the trivial things every day, at home and outside, and will be repeated infinitely. However, a good marriage and a good partner will know how to add a little color to a dull marriage and add a little seasoning to a dull marriage, so that the dull marriage will have more flavor and warmth.
But many people, in the long river of marriage, cannot achieve a beginning and an end, and eventually turn marriage into a grave. The oath at the wedding turned into a beautiful memory, but here I really want to ask everyone, when we look back on the beauty of love and our determination to enter the marriage, are we really willing to end the marriage like this?
When the person next to him becomes the most familiar stranger, do we really have no regrets about marriage?
Ms. Zhao 32 years old, her first love became her husband, and her original heartbeat turned into disheartened.
She told me that my husband was a college classmate. When he was in school, his husband was very romantic. He had been in love for four years in college. After graduation, she gave up the opportunity to go home to find a job. She returned to her hometown with her husband and worked hard with her husband.
With the joint efforts of the two, she bought her first house and her husband also proposed to her. Because of the beauty of her first love, Ms. Zhao was full of beautiful expectations for her marriage, but things didn't go as they wished. Her life after marriage made Ms. Zhao extremely depressed.
In fact, the problem between them is the lack of communication. Ms. Zhao feels that her husband has not given too much consideration and care in terms of emotions, and her husband is indifferent to Ms. Zhao's grievances.
But as long as they can sit down and tell each other their thoughts, so that the other party can understand, the problem will be solved.
Mr. Sun is 41 years old because of drunken physical cheating, after returning to his family, he found that his marriage was broken.
When Mr. Sun consulted, the first sentence asked me was: "Teacher, is it really not worth forgiven for cheating once? Besides, I have realized that I was wrong, and I sincerely repent and promise not to make any more of it in the future."
It turned out that Mr. Sun had a relationship with his secretary at a drinking party that he was drunk, and later he was found out by his lover. The two started to quarrel and fight. In the end, everyone knew that the trouble was known. The mother-in-law was also disappointed with the man, and the mother-in-law even made a harsh statement: "If you divorce, you have to leave the house with nothing."
Although the two did not choose to divorce for the sake of their children in the end, their marriage is no longer what they used to be. The two began to quarrel frequently. As soon as they quarrel, their lover would bring up the incident of their cheating and say it, and they would not forgive them.
Mr. Zhao told me that he is physically and mentally exhausted now, but he does not want to divorce from the bottom of his heart, so he has this consultation.
In fact, whether it is a major event that violates the principles in marriage or trivial matters in life, it may become the fuse of conflict between two people, or it may become the root cause of the breakdown of marriage. A good marriage requires that the two people share the responsibility, be tolerant and honest with each other, in order to overcome the ups and downs in marriage.
1. Cold violence, nothing to say in life, and "no love" to say in marriage.
Even though there will be a lot of friction in marriage, couples who can communicate have a much higher chance of happiness than couples who cannot communicate.
This is the charm of communication, but many couples always pass on the problem perfunctory, one is unwilling to say it, the other does not want to listen at all, and cold violence often occurs in marriage.
You think his efforts are worthy; you think her sacrifice is worthy, but in an intimate relationship, how can there be so many people deserve to be worthy? The good or bad marriage depends on the joint efforts of the two people and rushing in both directions.
When there was love, you felt so distressed by the other person's tears. But now, no matter how wronged the other person is or how much cry, you have no feelings; when the other person came home drunk, you were always the champion of staying up late just to let the other person drink a glass of honey water, what about now? You don't know when he will come back.
So is it marriage that changed the two people? It's not necessarily true, it's just that in the "power struggle", they both want to be winners, and the two people who gradually lose communication push marriage conflicts to a higher concentration.
2. No longer tolerate each other, they quarrel in small matters.
The two people in the past will tolerate each other no matter how big it is. Even if the other person’s ideas are completely different from their own, they are willing to put the other person’s needs first for love and marriage, and even complain about everything just to make the other person happy.
But as the marriage lasted for a long time, the original intention was no longer there, and the enthusiasm for marriage was not much left, so it evolved into a small matter that was so exciting.
You no longer tolerate each other. From meeting each other's needs at the beginning to asking for it. Once the other party cannot satisfy themselves, they start to pick their bones. It seems that in marriage, there is only quarrel left except life.
The two people are getting along with each other and they are also gradually getting farther and farther away.
In fact, we say that in marriage, two people quarrel are inevitable, and the upper teeth are still hit by the lower teeth, let alone the couple who get along day and night? What we need to do is to solve problems step by step and resolve conflicts. If we cannot reflect on ourselves and only know how to push the problem to the other party, even if we divorce and remarry, you will still mess up the marriage process.
3. Trust is no longer there, and suspicion is a dark ghost.
Life gives people too many complex states. Whether it is a man or a woman, it is difficult to say firmly that I can reject temptations, after all, we are not saints.
At this time, what you need most is trust between each other and believe in the other party’s loyalty to the marriage. Only when the two people fully give trust can the quality of the marriage become higher and higher.
is like a female friend of mine. Every day, she checks her husband's mobile phone. Whenever she finds information about the opposite sex, she starts asking questions, what is this person doing, what is the matter in chatting, etc. At the beginning, my husband will answer one by one, but he doesn't agree. After a long time, the smell of gunpowder will come out.
The man began to be impatient, changed his mobile phone password, and even often came back late. In the face of the woman's doubts, he changed from the initial patient explanation to the indifference. At this time, the woman was furious and told the man confidently that the man had cheated on him and no longer loved him. He often came back late was hanging with other women. The conflicts continued to escalate and the constant suspicion in his heart made the sweet marriage a battlefield of gunpowder.
But in fact, men really didn't cheat, and returning late was just a normal social engagement, but marriages that lost trust gradually became fragile, and men and women began to become sensitive.
So, once there is distrust in marriage, the relationship will get worse and worse, and the adhesive in the intimate relationship will also lose its bonding ability, and there is no way to glue the two people together again.
For marriage, personally, I still prefer the old people who have been in the past. It’s like something is broken. They will think about how to repair it, but for us, we just want to throw it away quickly and I want to replace it with a new one.
In other words, people in the past tend to be patient and repair when facing marriage problems. For us, we always think that we will meet better people and better marriages in the future, so we will not waste time and youth in fragmented marriages.
But will we really meet better people in the future? Can we really have a better marriage? The answer is NO, because if you don’t know how to manage a marriage, no matter who you are, your marriage will not bear fruit, right?
Instead of fantasizing about the future, it is better to do a good job in the present and work hard to repair our marriage with problems.
1. Don’t amplify the other party’s shortcomings because of negative emotions.
I believe many couples will have such a scene. They obviously quarreled because of a very small problem, but in the end they rose to personal attacks.
Let me give you the simplest example. It was obviously because of this dish, and I added some salt, but the result of the argument was that the other party was unpalatable to cooking now and I didn’t understand life. , but in the final analysis, isn’t it because the dish is not suitable for your taste? Why do we raise the problem to the point of blaming the other party’s shortcomings?
In fact, after getting married, many people will take away the "rose glasses" they used to be. We no longer beautify each other. Maybe the other person used to be careless and generous in your eyes, but now in your eyes, the other person is too big and not careful.
When we constantly amplify the other person's shortcomings from our partner, this will lead to the increasingly tense relationship between you, because the more you amplify the other person's shortcomings, the more you will find that the other person is full of problems that you cannot tolerate. So, will marriage be happy?
So, instead of amplifying the other party’s shortcomings, it is better to think about the other party’s advantages and then enlarge the other party’s advantages. After all, no one is perfect. When you see the other party’s shortcomings, why don’t you have any shortcomings?
A good marriage relationship is to learn from others' strengths, integrate two-ways, and complement each other. In this case, you will gradually find that the other party's shortcomings seem to be far less than the beauty that the advantages bring to you.
2. Don’t care about the gains and losses in marriage. A good marriage relationship is mutual practice.
There is a phenomenon in economics called "surplus economy", which means that when an intimate relationship begins, the concentration of each other's efforts is very high, and the rewards received are surplus. That is to say, under the premise of getting full satisfaction, we will not care about the other party so much.
However, the longer the intimate relationship and the less effort you pay, both of them will feel that their satisfaction decreases, and they will feel that their satisfaction is lacking, so they start to care about the rewards they get from their efforts, and in the process of calculating, their happiness decreases accordingly.
is like, you were the one who cooked at the beginning, but after the marriage lasted for a long time, you started to complain about the man that the other party did not do housework or cook, and the burden of managing the house was too heavy; or you always knew that women were very spoiled and could not do anything, and you didn’t care about it, but now you dislike the other party for not doing anything and did not become a qualified wife.
So you see, the problem has come up, in fact, people themselves have not changed, what has changed is that your mentality of looking at people is different.
A good marriage means not caring about gains and losses. You should know that family belongs to two people, and marriage belongs to two people. Only the joint efforts of two people can create a happy and fulfilling marriage.
If you care too much, then the marriage will be in a mess. You care about his failure to give, and she cares about you being the boss. But in fact, the two people in the marriage perform their own duties. We just need to do our best to play our role and work hard for this family. 1+1 will be greater than 2.
Of course, there are many ways to manage a good marriage, such as communication. Many couples think that it is not too artificial to sit down and communicate well after so long?
This kind of idea is a big mistake. A good relationship is always based on effective communication. Only by speaking your inner thoughts frankly and letting the other party know that you can also patiently listen to the other party’s inner thoughts, the problems between you can be well solved.
The way to avoid quarrels is to communicate effectively. For example, you have frequently quarreled recently, and they are always because of small things. If you don’t know how to communicate, you will quarrel with the other party, which will increase conflicts. People who know how to communicate will say: "I think you are not very happy recently and are in a bad mood. You will quarrel with me for a small thing. Did you quarrel with me? You can talk to me, only if I know what happened to you can I understand you."
So you can see, communication is so important to two people. It can help you overcome many hidden dangers caused by quarrels and avoid unnecessary troubles in the marriage relationship because of quarrels.
Finally, what I want to say is that the happiness that marriage has ever thought is not as difficult as we imagined. As long as the goals are consistent, work hard together and manage together, no matter how difficult the marriage is, it can be "resurrected". And we cannot give up our expectations for marriage because of the current dilemma. Don't wait until we really lose it, and only then will we know that we regret it.
Psychological test: Test the words your ex wants to say to you most
1. Do you quarrel over trivial matters when you are together?
Yes, I often feel very tired —2
rarely argue about trivial matters —2
Occasionally, but it will be reconciled soon —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to reflect on yourself and is willing to correct your mistakes?
is —3
is not —4
3. Will TA take the initiative to tell you about your troubles?
often says - 5
doesn't say much - 4
4. Will you tell your parents about the process of your love?
There are very little things, and I often complain to my parents. —6
Occasionally they ask, just say it when they ask, —5
hardly say, there is nothing to say —5
5. How much energy are you willing to spend to get what you want?
Everything goes with the flow, it’s mine after all, it’s mine —7
Work hard, maybe it will succeed —6
Try your best, I have to get everything I want —B
6. Is it because you broke up because a third party appeared?
Yes—A
No—7
7. Has the other party actively contacted you after breaking up?
Yes—D
No—C
Full version test questions and answers can be sent privately to get
I am Yuchen, an emotional counselor, I know more than you think of. If you have emotional confusion, you can send a private message or comment and consult.
