Life is like a ruler, you must be moderate, and your feelings are like faces. Don’t go beyond the boundaries.
Some people say that when a person reaches a certain age, four things must be thrown away:
People who don’t love you, meaningless drinking parties, false friends, and colleagues who are more and more eager.
Getting along with colleagues is a science. If you go too far, your relationship will become weak. If you go too close, you will have more grudges and grudges.
No matter how good the relationship is, you must grasp the degree and don’t get too close to your colleagues, otherwise you will be the one who will be hurt.
1
"How much can your colleagues disgusted you?"
Recently browsing Zhihu, I saw this question
"How much can your colleagues disgusted you?" There is an answer below:
" to North America on a business trip. At two o'clock in the middle of the night, I was suddenly awakened by a long list of WeChat messages. A colleague who usually holds less than one meeting and has not been in touch with WeChat for a year sent me a bunch of cosmetic photos of Estee Lauder and Dior , with only two texts:
"When I returned to China and entered the customs, I brought me something at the duty-free shop in Beijing Airport."
" The same one, let the salesperson look carefully at the picture and check it correctly, don't get it wrong."
Although I was woken up, I didn't answer immediately...
at 5:30 in the morning, she sent another one:
"See if it is not, confirm it quickly."
I copied and pasted the above three items back, and replied:
"Who would give you a few thousand yuan to run errands? I'm not that cheap."
The other party was silent...
I met such a colleague, which was really annoying, but this situation was definitely not an isolated case:
Why did my car tell you?
Wang Meng and Zhigang's house were relatively close to each other, and they used to take the bus to work.
Some time ago, Wang Meng bought his own car, and Zhigang started to go to and from get off work by Wang Meng's car.
At the beginning, Zhigang expressed his gratitude to Wang Meng, and slowly regarded it as a habit to get rid of Wang Meng's car. He often asked Wang Meng to take him to a shopping mall or do some private matters after get off work.
Wang Meng is a colleague and it is hard to say anything, but something that happened last week made him angry.
Last week, Wang Meng drove away because he had something to go home early. As a result, Zhigang was very angry because he didn't see Wang Meng's car. He called and scolded Wang Meng for not being good enough for his friend. He didn't tell him when he drove away, and even hung up his phone.
Wang Meng was very depressed. It was obviously his own car, so why did he say to Zhigang if he drove away?
Too much involvement in the private life of colleagues
Some colleagues especially like to talk about private life with colleagues in private, and even take it as fun to inquire about other people's private lives.
Sister Wang is the gossip king in the unit. One of the things she likes to do the most is the private life of her gossip colleagues. XX quarreled with her wife yesterday. XX beat the child again on the way home. The leader of XX found a mistress. He heard that the official wife came to the door...
Once, a new colleague came to the unit. She was a single mother with a child. Sister Wang didn't know where to get the news. She learned about the situation of the colleague's single child, so she intentionally or unintentionally inquired about her marital status and the child's situation. The colleague couldn't avoid it, so she had to tell her situation to Sister Wang.
Unexpectedly, Sister Wang was even more reluctant and introduced her to someone over the past few days. Once, she introduced a male colleague from the company to her, which made her very embarrassed. Now, this colleague walked around when she saw Sister Wang and never said a word to her.
04
So, what exactly causes this situation?
Swedish Famous psychologist Jung said: When we get along with others, we are actually doing two things subtly. One is to maintain and correct our own interpersonal boundaries while maintaining, and the other is to understand and recognize the other person’s personal boundaries.When the two didn't know each other, there was only one line in the middle; when they first started dating, the line was broken and divided into two lines, one in front of you and one in front of me.
But it turns out that the line between you and me has not disappeared , has become a dotted line . The dotted line of is not defined by both of them, is defined by both of them in their hearts.
The lines you and him may be parallel and never cross, or they may overlap at one point. Whether the two lines merge into a line after overlapping one depends on whether both parties can understand each other's principles and reverse scales thoroughly, and actively and positively understand and respect each other.
has a famous psychological effect called "Foot In The Door Effect", which means : Once a person accepts a trivial requirement from others, in order to avoid cognitive inconsistency, or wants to give others a consistent impression, he or she may accept greater requirements.
可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以正可以
Fear of breaking up intimate relationships is actually the pot of flattery personality, which makes you dare not test others' bottom line in interpersonal communication and choose to give in to .
Interpersonal communication is like two people pulling ropes. Whoever uses the force is strong, tilts toward whoever is on the same side.
The repeated tolerance to others may be what we think is good to them, but every time our tolerance is like we take the initiative to retreat straight in front of ourselves.
. The other party pushed forward firmly, conquering the city without considering you at all. He naturally accepted your kindness and kindness, because you gave in silently, and he thought you could bear it. Once it exceeds the dotted line you think , you will feel that it has violated you , means that the other party is getting more and more aggressive .
Becoming more and more in a good position means that you feel that your interests have been violated, which means that you feel unfair! Yes, it is unfair, because if you show the bottom line, the other party doesn’t show it, the other party will appear even more greedy.
If you give in, he doesn’t give in, and this interpersonal relationship will be unbalanced because you feel that you are always giving, so this relationship will not go far and it is destined to have only one intersection.
There is a boundary between people. In layman's terms, people should maintain a safe distance, and there should be a scale and boundary to be good to people.
Be kind to others without principles and bottom line, and it is easy to attract the other party's kindness and revenge.
The relationship between people follows a high degree of adaptability and is also a reason
Whether it is human sensory stimulation or psychological feelings, they follow a similar rule - high degree of adaptability.
I think everyone has a very intuitive feeling. If we have been to a relatively broken shopping mall, we thought (answered the natural call) while walking around. As soon as we entered the toilet, we would feel that the whole environment was particularly smelly. But after a while, the feeling will not be obvious. The intuitive feeling of
reflects that our sensory stimulation (the sense of smell in the example just now) is highly adaptable.
Similarly, people's psychological feelings are also highly adaptable. Can you still recall the last time you cheered and even jumped up? Are you still so excited about that thing?
No matter how exciting, exciting, joyful, sad and painful, jealous and angry, sad and sad events, when time passes, everything will become dull.
The principle of high adaptability is also followed during the interaction between colleagues.
Back to the example of the first ride-sharing, it may feel good to get on the bus just by driving, but as time accumulates, the ability to get on the bus can no longer stimulate more dopamine. It requires deeper stimulation of , such as limited parking spaces, when is required to pick up people, etc.
So, high adaptability is also a very important reason.
06
What is a sense of boundary
In the definition of Wikipedia, personal boundaries refer to the guidelines, regulations or limits created by by , in order to distinguish what is reasonable and safe, how others treat themselves, and how others deal with when they cross these boundaries.
Personal boundaries are not only physical but also emotional. They can reflect individuals' understanding and requirements for their own physical and mental state.
When we say that A person has a clearer personal boundary, or that this person has a good sense of boundary awareness, it means that he is sensitive and firm enough to have his own understanding of what kind of person he is, what he thinks and feels, and can better protect himself and avoid being controlled, exploited or violated by others.
People with good boundary awareness know what can and cannot do, and they also know what treatments they can accept and what treatments they cannot accept. They respect others and protect themselves.
Personal boundaries mainly include two types, one is the physical level, and the other is the psychological level:
The physical level (Physical) boundaries mainly refer to personal space and contact considerations, and can be expressed through clothing, residence, noise tolerance, verbal indications and body language.
The boundary of psychological level (Psychological) is mainly independent of others in terms of beliefs, ideas and ideas. These boundaries protect your self-esteem and control over your emotions.
07
How to strengthen your sense of boundaries
①Find out where your bottom line is, and understand the signal that boundaries are violated
If you don’t know your position, don’t know where your bottom line is, and how much load-bearing capacity you have, you will not be able to set boundaries reasonably in your interactions with others.
So, the first thing we need to do is to clarify the limits of our physical, emotional, psychological and mental tolerance.
For example, you can experience how much you are tolerant of discomfort and stress when something happens, so as to help you find your bottom line.
Recognize the signal that boundary is violated
Psychologist Gionta found that if you have the following two feelings, it means that others have broken your boundary. The two types of signal lights are: discomfort and resentment.
Her two feelings change continuously. We can imagine in our minds that we measure our discomfort and dissatisfaction, and score from 1 to 10 points, of which 6-10 points mean that we feel this emotion higher.
is easy to understand. Let’s briefly explain the emotion of “resentment”: this kind of dissatisfaction usually occurs when “the other party suppresses you, uses you or makes you feel unappreciated and disrespectful” or “the other party ignores your feelings and keeps instilling his values, ideas, expectations, etc. with you.”
This kind of dissatisfaction in the heart is a clear signal light that tells you that the other party is challenging your bottom line and invading your boundaries.
But in order to maintain a certain character's image and unreasonable guilt (such as I have to be a good daughter, a good wife, and a good mother), you often endure it.
If you want to be a person with principles and boundaries, you must be alert to these times.If you are dealing with someone, or on a certain occasion, and feel that your feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction have reached more than 6 points, you should ask yourself: What causes me to feel so bad? What went wrong with my interaction with him? Do you have unrealistic expectations for me?
In short, when the other person's words and actions make you feel uncomfortable, you may have violated your boundaries. Learn to push the other person out, don't be kidnapped by guilt, you must learn to fight for your rights.
②Tell it directly
and some people are with them. If you want to maintain the boundaries, you don’t need to explain them directly. These people who you think are more comfortable and suitable for getting along with and do not need to "break up" are generally people who are more similar to you, whether in form, communication methods, or even living environment; similarly, they will also think that getting along with you is more comfortable and suitable for taking pictures.
On the contrary, if you encounter people who are completely different from your life philosophy, style of conduct and living environment (such as different cultural backgrounds), many times, you have to clearly and directly express where your boundaries are. For example, when many Chinese people have dinner, the host likes to pick up food for the guests to show care, but an American may feel uncomfortable or even disgusted when seeing this situation.
Not to mention it for a long time, these tiny discomforts accumulate and become more likely to ruin a good relationship.
③ Allow yourself to say "no"
"fear, guilt and self-doubt" are the culprits of our blurred sense of boundaries.
Many times the reason why we dare not refuse is because we are afraid of the other party’s reaction after seeing the rejection.
Many times, our rejection is not because of kindness, but because of cowardice. We would rather agree first and then procrastinate than just say that we don’t have unpleasantness or even conflict with each other.
Rejecting the people we love is something we are even more reluctant to see.
For example, if you say to your parents, "It's my business to get married, don't worry about me", we will have more or less guilty that hurts the loved ones, even though their expectations for you are not reasonable.
Many people agreed, thinking that they have an obligation to satisfy the other party’s expectations, such as “filial piety is the first of all virtues” and want to play the role of a good son and a good daughter;
also like unreasonable indulgence toward your wife and tolerance for your husband’s mental violence again and again;
Although facing them makes you feel depressed, controlled, blocked, dissatisfied, and uncomfortable, it is harder to say the word “no” than to endure these.
In fact, is because at the beginning you did not draw a clear boundary with them. Your consistent tolerance will make them feel that you are a person without bottom line and principles.
The longer you endure, the blurry the boundaries will be. The more difficult it is to change, the more unscrupulously others will invade. Moreover, the control from close people is often under the banner of love, which is the most terrifying.
In the long run, this imbalanced relationship will cause both parties to suffer.
So, to change this situation and establish a healthy boundary relationship, you must first learn to respect your own value, including your dignity, your time, and your energy.
breaks this vicious cycle and reveals your bottom line with a firm attitude. First, give yourself the power and courage to say no. No matter how difficult it is, you have to say the first time, and the road ahead will be much easier.
④ Continuously strengthening self-awareness
boundary sense This thing is very subjective, mainly based on your own feelings. Everyone has their own set of evaluation criteria.
In the process of trying to establish boundaries, some other people's dissatisfaction and unaccustomed reactions may make you feel that you are not going to be able to hold on, and if you accidentally slide into a "bad good person".
Whenever you feel that you can't help but want to "Holy Mother's Heart" again, stop and take three deep breaths, and wake up your brain and ask yourself: "Has something changed in essence?
or is it just that I am habitually afraid to say no? What am I doing now, what is the other party doing?" or "What is it that triggers my current dissatisfaction and depression?"
Then, calmly think about your own choice: "In this situation, what can I do?
What things can I control and what are beyond my ability? I can only accept things that I can control within my ability."
When my previous bad habits want to take you away, do such self-questioning, firmly change motivation, and strengthen self-awareness to fight against the previous bad habits.
So, at the end of the article, I would like to remind you that if you want to work comfortably, you must establish an appropriate sense of boundaries with your colleagues and don’t get too close to your colleagues!
