The woman stood high on the chair, with one hand on her waist and the other pointed at me, with a look of hatred on her face: "How many times have I told you? You just don't listen. "You're so old and you can't do anything. What else can you do?" "The teacher came to see me again

The woman stood high on the chair, with one hand on her waist and the other pointed at me, with a look of hatred on her face:

"How many times have I said this? You are the one Don't listen! "

" I'm so old and can't do anything. What else can you do? "

" The teacher came to see me again today, and the whole class was at the bottom of the exam. Where do you want me to put my face? "

" Can't you give me some encouragement? "

" Are you still shameless? "

...

I squatted on the ground and looked up at her, watching her mouth open and close, and her hands touching me. Pointing and prodding.

I felt like I was thrown into a violent storm, and those words were like hailstones, pitter-patter hitting me. I had no place to hide, so I could only endure it motionless.

I thought I was numb, but the derogatory words that came out from time to time were so harsh, like a small whip, that it made my heart tighten.

I want to cry.

I kept telling myself that this is in class, this is just a small exercise, this is not true.

I tried to maintain a calm exterior and even smiled to show that I knew it was an act.

But I know that this smile must be ugly, because I feel like I am about to cry.

This is a small activity in the positive discipline class I participated in some time ago. In pairs, they take turns playing the role of the angry mother and the scolded child. All I can say is that my co-star acted so realistically.

After the activity, I asked her: "Do you yell at your children like this at home?" She said that she almost never yelled at children, but she was a teacher and had seen too many parents yell at their children like this.

This little exercise touched me deeply.

Studying psychology in the past few years has taught me that it is wrong to yell at children. I can go on and on about the psychological impact that yelling and scolding will have on children.

Well, I understand the truth, and I try to do so.

However, this time, when I was in the perspective of a child and personally experienced the yelling and scolding of "mother", I truly understood how a child felt at that moment.

Helplessness, shame, grievance, anger, self-blame...

I can no longer figure out what "Mom" is talking about. I just feel that her words are like a barrage of firecrackers, hitting me dizzy and bruised all over.

I didn’t want to figure out what she was talking about, so I subconsciously wanted to block her words. Only by becoming numb can I suffer less damage and feel less pain in my heart.

I stood next to her in silence, feeling like I had shrunk into a small ball, getting smaller and smaller. It was best to shrink so that "mom" couldn't see me. I just hoped that this yelling would end soon.

At that moment, I realized that this is how children feel when we yell at them.

I thought this was very touching. Unexpectedly, there was an even more shocking event the next day.

Two people play the role of children, and six people play the role of mother. The "moms" stood on chairs, facing the outside in a circle. The "child" walked up to each "mother" in turn and said to the "mother": "I am just a child. I just want a sense of worth and belonging."

"Mother" responded with a roar. You can yell anything, and mothers can freely express themselves according to daily situations.

finished yelling, and the "child" went to the next "mother" and continued to be yelled at.

The content of those mothers yelling is really familiar. They are all reenactments of the usual scenes of yelling at their children - their expressions, intonations, and word choices. Almost every mother is "acting in her true colors."

When we yell at our children, we don't realize what we are doing.

As a bystander, seeing different mothers yelling in the same way at the same time is really shocking to my heart - it turns out that I am so fierce!

As a "child", being yelled at so intensively by "mothers" one after another, the shock in my heart is probably dozens of times greater than that of us bystanders.

One of the "children" couldn't bear it even before he finished walking around, so he stepped aside and cried.

The other "child" would raise her head unruly at first and look directly at her "mom", her eyes full of stubbornness and rebellion. However, after walking around, she couldn't hold back any longer and burst into tears.

Six "mothers" also cried. Some cried because of self-blame, some cried because of distress, and some evoked the feeling of being yelled at by their parents when they were children, and burst into tears.

The teacher took advantage of the situation and hugged the two "children": "You are so sad. I have a lot of good wine at home. Let's go have some wine together and have fun, okay?"

The two "children" agreed without hesitation. .

For a moment, there was silence both inside and outside the venue.

After seeing this, are you also touched, lost in thought, or blaming yourself?

If you want, after yelling, you can have another ending.

In the first activity session, after "Mom" finished yelling, the teacher asked "Mom" to apologize to the child for the behavior of yelling just now, tell the child her inner feelings, and discuss it with the child before encountering a similar situation again. How to resolve the situation.

This time, "Mom" and I sat face to face. She held my hand, looked into my eyes, and said gently: "Baby, Mom just yelled at you. Mom shouldn't have done this. I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" Mom? ..."

My heart suddenly softened, as if something had been touched. It felt soft and sour. I felt like crying again, so I nodded involuntarily: "Yeah, okay."

This time I used more strength to hold back from crying.

It turns out that gentleness is more powerful than roughness, and can go straight to a person's heart.

second activity.

The teacher asked the two "children" to walk around again. This time, every "mother" said words of encouragement, respect and warmth to the "child".

This time, every "mother" couldn't help but hug her "child" after finishing speaking.

"Mother and son" hugged each other for a long time.

Understanding, calm, warm and soft, everyone present felt it.

The emotional bond between mother and child is connected again. This kind of connection gives children peace of mind and a sense of belonging. Nothing can compare with the warmth of home or the embrace of their mother.

The teacher invited the "children" to drink again. The two "children" shook their heads: "I won't go, I want to go home."

This is not a prescribed line, this is their heartfelt answer.

We have been adults for so long that we have forgotten what it is like to be children.

You may think that the words are just harsher and the tone is stronger, but in the child's heart, it is a violent storm.

As an adult, no one can stand such verbal attacks, let alone a weak child. Every yelling and scolding destroys the child's will.

Adults can't stand it and can hide far away, but as for the child, the mother he is most attached to has turned into a volcano that can erupt at any time, with nowhere to hide. This is such a desperate and helpless situation.

What he can do is nothing more than this:

• Surrender, be swallowed up by his mother's emotions, and become weak. You'll get a good kid, well, but he'll be a little timid and have low self-esteem.
• has become self-defeating, mischievous, and refuses to eat hard or soft things. As the saying goes, it is like meat on a hob. You are helpless with him and lament: How could I have raised such a child?
• Or, he becomes violent and rebellious, and when he has enough strength, he will fight against you. You will get a child who hates you.

Many mothers said: I understand the principles of , but I can’t help it when my emotions come up.

Well, this is a tough question indeed.

However, now I have a solution:

Maybe, we need to spend a few minutes and be children again.

When you experience firsthand what it feels like to be yelled at by your mother, you may restrain yourself the next time you can't help it.

Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you.

Some people may ask: I have yelled at my child, what should I do? I can’t yell at my child, how should I take care of him?

In fact, the above two exercises have already given the answers.

The child is so willing to forgive his mother and so eager to connect emotionally with his mother.

You can give a completely different ending if you want.

When you don’t know what to do, think about it: If you are a child and how do you want others to treat you, then please treat your child the same way!

Source: Lingxiang Parent-child Psychology