01
A little monster suddenly appeared in my mind
It was eleven o'clock in the evening, and Xiaojiu was still awake. He was tossing and turning on the bed, hitting the wall with his feet, and kept asking me to hug him. I hugged him for three minutes, but he thought I was too hot. .
Ten minutes later, I asked him: Can you tell mom why you still don’t sleep?
Xiaojiu: Mom, there is a little monster in my mind, which makes me feel very scared, so I dare not close my eyes.
After listening to it, I tried to help him solve it: How about we put an Ultraman in it? Let Ultraman defeat it!
I'm a little proud because I think this idea is very good.
Unexpectedly, Xiaojiu shook his head: No, it can’t be put in.
I didn’t give up and tried to use the almighty Ultraman to solve the problem. I took a roundabout way and asked him: Which Ultraman do you like best now?
Xiaojiu suddenly became energetic: Ultraman Zero , Mom, let me tell you, the logo of Zero is an oval. said and waved his hand in the dark.
Me: Can’t you put Zero in to fight the little monsters?
Xiaojiu is still very determined: No.
I thought we should continue to explore the problem, so I asked him: What did the little monster do to scare you?
Xiaojiu: It is playing a picture, which makes me very scared.
Me: Is it the scene of talking loudly?
Xiaojiu shook his head: No.
Thinking of this, I suddenly thought of a trivial quarrel between his father and I a few days ago.
then asked him: Is this the scene of mom and dad quarreling?
Xiaojiu nodded and said in a low voice: Yes.
His father and I have been together for more than ten years. We are not a couple who never quarrel, but we rarely quarrel and never have a cold war, because when we were in love, we agreed not to quarrel overnight. Over the years, we only quarreled. They were not divorced at that time, and they woke up the next day as a happy couple again.
When we have a quarrel, we don’t deliberately avoid Xiaojiu. Because I want him to know that mom and dad will also have some bad moods, disagreements, and quarrels.
Quarreling may be a bad thing, but not only good things happen in life, bad things are also part of life. When bad things happen, how to face and deal with them is the skill we need to learn.
I asked Xiaojiu: What do parents need to do to make you no longer so afraid of little monsters?
Xiaojiu said: Just forgive Dad. If you say sorry to him, he will also say sorry to you.
I was very surprised at this moment. I suddenly realized clearly that the tacit understanding of adults and the rules of life of adults are very incomprehensible to children who have not yet fully established their self-awareness, and will make them fearful and at a loss. .
Although we wanted him to face some bad things in life, we did not handle it well from a perspective that he could understand and let him learn certain experiences.
I said: I have forgiven my father. We have been communicating well these days, as usual.
Xiaojiu shook his head: No, you must apologize to each other, and it doesn’t matter.
Me: Mom understands, it turns out this is what you want.
It was almost 11:30 at this time. He was a little sleepy and yawning. I was also a little sleepy, and his dad was still taking a shower. I quickly sent a message to my father and asked him to come out after washing and we apologized to each other in front of Xiaojiu.
While waiting, Xiaojiu seemed a little anxious and kept asking me: Why hasn’t dad come out yet? Is dad coming? When will dad come? You give dad a call!
At this moment, I really feel his urgency. This matter is very important to him.
As soon as my father came out, he deliberately acted exaggeratedly and threw himself on the bed and said: I want to apologize to my mother like a tiger, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I also hugged him and kissed him: It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Xiaojiu was smiling next to me, and suddenly he lay on me, with tears in his eyes, which made me feel a lot for a moment.
I asked him: Is the little monster in your mind still so scary?
Xiaojiu: A little less scary.
Dad said: Can we press a button to flush this picture away from the toilet.
Xiaojiu pointed to her head and said: Mom, click here.
I poked it gently and made a "swish" sound.
Xiaojiu laughed loudly: This picture is gone! Ultraman is playing in my head right now!
I hugged Xiaojiu and he fell asleep contentedly.
In the world of children, the correct answer is to apologize to each other, forgive each other, and then make up after a quarrel.
Otherwise, he can't understand why his parents quarreled all of a sudden and suddenly reconciled, as if nothing had happened.
Although he lives a peaceful life on the surface, he will hide some worries and anxieties, fearing that his parents will quarrel without warning in the next second.
You will gradually become insecure, and it is easy to attribute mistakes to yourself, resulting in guilt, self-loathing, low self-esteem, etc.
If the child is constantly pulled by these emotions for a long time, the child's cognition and emotion may become contradictory, or even create a sense of division.
02
It turns out that there are so many bad things in life
After more than ten days of this conversation, I thought this matter was over.
Who knew that one night, during a conversation before going to bed, he suddenly asked me: Mom, why do you and Dad quarrel?
To be honest, I was so excited that I immediately mobilized all the cells in my body to give him a good reply.
After thinking about it, I said: Originally, my parents wanted to solve some problems, but they were too excited and did not express them correctly.
Xiaojiu: Don’t quarrel, don’t quarrel.
I thought we might need to have a good talk again, so I asked him from another direction: So when mom and dad are quarreling, what are you thinking about?
Xiaojiu: I’m very scared. I feel like I don’t recognize my parents anymore.
I immediately pictured a child in my mind. Facing his quarreling parents, he huddled in a corner. The parents' mutual accusations and attacks made them look ugly and ugly, making the child feel scared.
Me: At that time, you couldn’t feel your parents’ love for you, could you?
Xiaojiu nodded: Yes.
Then he turned over and leaned against me closely, and I held him in my arms: Mom and Dad love you very much and love each other very much, but at that time, we were too excited and felt that we did not get the understanding and recognition of the other party, so There was a quarrel. I scared you. I'm sorry. Can you forgive mom?
Xiaojiu: I can forgive my mother, but no more quarrels are allowed.
Me: Do you think quarreling is a bad thing?
Xiaojiu: Yes, it is a bad thing.
I raised my hands: Can you and your mother list the bad things in life? Anything you have encountered or heard about is fine.
Me: For example, a child is lost.
Xiaojiu picked my fingers: quarreling, wrestling , children getting beaten, children fighting, being fined by the police, two cars crashing into each other, and adults fighting.
Me: Great, you have listed so many, which ones have you encountered?
Xiaojiu: There were quarrels, wrestling, and fights between children. I also saw children being beaten in the yard, by their father.
Me: So you see, it’s not just good things that happen in our lives, there are also some bad things that happen, right?
Xiaojiu looked like she didn’t want to admit it: Yes.
Me: Then let’s learn to deal with these bad things. For example, if you fell down today and your arm started to bleed, how did you deal with it?
Xiaojiu was very excited and immediately answered: I know, I know. If you fall, you will bleed. Then my parents will rub iodine on the wound, and the scab will slowly form on the wound. After a few days, it will fall off, and my skin will be fine. There will be nothing. , particularly magical!
Me: That’s great. Do you know what is the most important thing you do in this process?
Xiaojiu: Rub iodine!
Me: Awesome! It is important to apply iodine to prevent the wound from getting infected, but what is more important is that you wait patiently for the wound to heal and see the skin become smooth with your own eyes.
Xiaojiu: Yes!
Me: So when mom and dad quarrel, it’s just like when you’re wrestling. When the quarrel is serious, it’s when you’re injured and need to apply iodine. It’s a little scary and painful, but we may also need some time for the wound to heal. Become as smooth as your skin again.
Moreover, this is us solving our own problem, it has nothing to do with you, just like you need to wait for your wound to get better, and your parents can't participate, right?
Xiaojiu: Yes, because the wound is on my arm.
I felt that it would be too deep to continue the conversation, so I changed the topic: So do you think it’s scary for you children to quarrel?
Xiaojiu: It’s not scary!
Me: Have you ever had an argument with your friends.
Xiaojiu: Yes, XX and I had a fight.
I acted very exaggeratedly: Wow, when you five-and-a-half-year-old children quarreled, the three-year-old child was shocked and scared when he saw it. How could your five-and-a-half-year-old brother quarrel so fiercely?
Xiao Jiu burst out laughing.
Finally, I asked Xiaojiu if he could understand the quarrel. Xiaojiu said that he understood a little bit.
But I don’t think this matter will end here. I am intensively checking information, listening to the teacher’s lectures, and making full preparations for his next question.
And my dad and I also want to review how we can better resolve some of the trivial matters between us.
03
The meaning of traces
I believe that everything that has happened will definitely leave traces.
When we think things are over, they are over. Sometimes we forget it deliberately, and sometimes we hide it.
In short, it will always come out to remind you at some point: it has existed before, and it will affect you in the future.
These conscious or unconscious existences constitute the complete us.
I don’t regret not avoiding Xiaojiu’s quarrel, but there is no doubt that this incident left a deep mark on his heart. Maybe our understanding and seeing of his emotions will make these marks less important. . Complete the analysis from quarrel to reconciliation to let him know what the quarrel is about and how to deal with it after the quarrel.
If there is follow-up communication, maybe we will talk about some emotional processing, or something else. I am not sure yet.
I know that as time goes by, these marks will become lighter and lighter, but they will not completely disappear.
hopes that one day in the future, when this memory of his is awakened, he will say: Oh, my parents quarreled, what was the reason for their quarrel, how did they deal with it, and how did I feel.
instead of fear, worry, fear, and being overwhelmed, thus affecting the establishment of some intimate relationships.
I am not demanding that I be a perfect mother. It would be great if I can pass the test. If you do something wrong on the road to motherhood, you can correct it in time, get your child's forgiveness, and make a little progress next time.
and that's it.
This article is too long. It has been sitting in the draft box for a long time. I finally have time to sort it out.
If you have the patience to read it and have the same troubles as me, I hope the above will be helpful to you in dealing with parent-child relationships.
I am Nuo, see you in the next update~ Hehe.
