Recently, the TV series "Nashan Nahai" has been on the air, and veteran actor He Zhengjun has returned to the public eye.
Who is He Zhengjun?
He is the frank and upright Zhao Gang in " Bright Sword ", he is Gu Weijun who sticks to his faith in "The Awakening Age", and he is also the enigmatic villain Zhou Mi in "大雪无 trace".
Despite his father's objections, He Zhengjun resolutely gave up his iron job and worked hard all the way to become a national first-class actor. Although he never became a big star, every role he played was praised.
He is passionate about filming, but in life he is dull and straightforward. Even because he is not good at words, he turns what should be a romantic and tender confession into a serious and solemn toast.
If everyone yearns for 100-point perfect love, then the 30-year marriage of He Zhengjun and his wife Fan Yu probably only has 80-point score. But it is precisely because of this that they are just happy.
Support each other and live together in a world of chickens
He Zhengjun’s classmate Ni Dahong once said in the program that He Zhengjun is a "big head".
When he was in the drama, He Zhengjun was the youngest in the class and had good looks. Many girls in the class often came to the dormitory to look for him, including Gong Li.
But he couldn't tell that the girls were interested in him.
The roommates were greedy for the hot sauce he brought from Chengdu, so they secretly finished the hot sauce and stuffed it back while he was away.
In the end, He Zhengjun never noticed anything was wrong, and thought it was the hot sauce that had evaporated on its own.
It was He Zhengjun's "silly energy" that made Fan Yu feel very safe.
In 1990, He Zhengjun was filming in Yunnan and fell in love with Fan Yu at first sight on the set.
When we first met, one of them was in Shanghai and the other in Yunnan.
In two years, He Zhengjun spent nearly 40,000 yuan in income on phone bills and round-trip fares.
This sincerity moved Fan Yu, and in 1992, the two entered the marriage hall hand in hand.
At that time, He Zhengjun often played supporting roles, but he didn't get many roles. He had no reputation and no money.
The two of them lived in a dormitory with only 9 square meters, and lived a rough life. As a result, this marriage was opposed by Fan Yu's parents.
But Fan Yu still had no hesitation. She once firmly said to He Zhengjun:
"You do what you want to do, and I guarantee it." I will prove that you will never regret marrying me, and that you will be happy every day because of me."
Later, the crew of "Bright Sword" found He Zhengjun, but the filming location was far away from home, and his daughter was still young. Just when he was hesitating, Fan Yu took over all the responsibility of taking care of the family without hesitation, allowing He Zhengjun to concentrate on filming.
The role of Zhao Gang in the drama made He Zhengjun an instant hit and brought more possibilities to his acting career.
It can be seen that marriage is just the beginning. If the marriage relationship is to be long-lasting and profound, both parties must maintain it together.
In their married life, He Zhengjun and Fan Yu always put each other first in their relationship and constantly conveyed positive energy to each other.
While husband and wife are lovers, they are also comrades-in-arms and need to support each other.
During the days spent together, both of them must give and receive in return, in order to satisfy the interdependence of the relationship and jointly fight against the triviality and exhaustion of life.
Flexibly change roles to strengthen the value and vitality of marriage
Li Songwei, a doctor of clinical psychology, proposed: Only a dynamically balanced marriage relationship is dynamic.
does not stick to the stereotype of "the male leads the outside and the female leads the inside" and knows how to flexibly change roles. This is how He Zhengjun and Fan Yu cherish each other.
After getting married, Fan Yu took care of all the household affairs: if the lights were broken, they could be repaired immediately, if the water pipes were clogged, they could be unclogged immediately, and it was easy to paint the walls.
After work, He Zhengjun would talk to his wife every day and share interesting things while filming. I will also feel sorry for my wife's hard work in running housework, learning to cook, and sewing, so that Fan Yu can have her own time and space.
Zhang Guangbei, who filmed "Bright Sword" with He Zhengjun, once "complained" on the show:
"A big man, he picked up wool and started knitting during the break of filming. Again It’s sleeves, a bib, and a small sweater. Can you believe that he can hook up woolen shoes?”
Fan Yu chose to spend most of his time on his family. It was originally a sacrifice in a certain sense, but He Zhengjun’s compassion made this sacrifice come true.
Their relationship model can change with changes in the external world and the needs of both parties.
Later, Fan Yu discovered the shortcomings of He Zhengjun's career: "He doesn't fight, doesn't ask for drama or roles, and when someone asks him to give in, he really gives in. How can this be possible?"
So she assessed the situation and carefully selected the script for He Zhengjun. With her blessing, He Zhengjun participated in the movie "National Anthem" and was nominated for the Hundred Flowers Award Best Actor for the role of Tian Han.
The essence of marriage itself is an exchange of "emotional value".
Faced with his wife who is busy taking care of the family, He Zhengjun said, "It is not easy for Fan Yu to run this family. I have nothing to repay except being nice to her."
Facing her husband who is working hard outside the home, Fan Yu said, "Don't worry, I am in this family."
In fact, in many long-term and stable marriages, both husband and wife are concerned about "loyalty".
Whether you can provide emotional value to the other party and whether you can have a positive effect in the relationship determines the quality of the marriage relationship.
Enter the other person's role, be aware of and meet the other person's needs, and then you can further satisfy your own needs, conserve each other's value, and truly form a beautiful two-way relationship.
Be willing to change and accept, enhance the preservation of marriage
A good marriage does not mean that both partners must be perfect lovers.
Fan Yu once complained about He Zhengjun in a variety show, saying that he may be a good husband, but he is definitely not a good lover.
recalled that when they first met, He Zhengjun fell in love with Fan Yu at first sight, but did not dare to reveal his feelings.
He didn't know how to speak, so he could only toast numbly at the dinner. His stiff language made Fan Yu think he was the leader:
"His tone was so strange. How did I know he was chasing me?"
Later, He Zhengjun said in an interview that he was learning to be interesting.
In fact, no relationship can remain static, and a truly good relationship starts with self-change.
But in many intimate relationships, "change" has become a minefield. In the eyes of many people, change seems to mean that they are at a disadvantage in the relationship.
But we need to recognize that the ultimate goal of change is to optimize the relationship.
He Zhengjun is very clear on this point.
Although he is not good at words, he will put a lot of sticky notes on the refrigerator at home, "Eat regularly, be sure to eat enough, eat whatever you want, and don't be afraid of gaining weight." "Be sure to go to bed before 12 o'clock in the evening."...
is meticulous in every aspect of life. This change is undoubtedly a romance for straight men.
Marriage is like a pas de deux . Only when both parties know how to advance and retreat and how to come and go can they dance gracefully.
When one party makes changes, the other party needs to respond promptly and softly.
Regarding He Zhengjun’s change, Fan Yu knew her husband’s good intentions.
When He Zhengjun hopes to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of the family, she will also put down the housework and give him space to experience the beauty of life's details together.
There is a subtle interplay between intimate relationships. Changes from the heart are improvements in relationships; appropriate responses are upgrades in relationships.
Changes and responses make relationships more flexible and feelings stronger. This is also the unique charm of intimate relationships.
There is no perfect marriage, but there is a frank and serious lover
It is easy to fall in love but difficult to stay together.
If entering into an intimate relationship is instinctive, managing an intimate relationship well is a kind of ability.
The book "The Love Trap" mentions five ways to drain all intimacy and vitality out of a relationship: Disconnection, automatic reactions, avoidance, self-obsession, and ignorance of values.
In their many years of marriage, the couple He Zhengjun and Fan Yu grew up in love together and fought against these behaviors that drained the relationship.
Last year, He Zhengjun posted a video produced by Fan Yu on social platforms. In the video, there were photos of the two of them together then and now. The text was: "Thank you to my Princess Yu for the video."
Fan Yu's narration in the video is: "I am lucky to have you and meet you all my life. It is just the right time to meet you."
This marriage has lasted for thirty years. They kept a low-key count of every detail of their lives, and they are still closely dependent on each other after they are over sixty.
Karen Horney, one of the earliest advocates of social psychology, once said: Among all relationships, only marriage is absolutely one-to-one, but it is also the most contradictory and complex.
The contradiction lies in the fact that two people in a marriage not only pursue perfection and absolute romance on the spiritual level, but also have to deal with the trivial matters of life on the practical level.
Countless people initially hope that their marriage will be 100 points when they get married, but because they are too obsessed with these 100 points, they get trapped in their marriage.
In fact, there is no perfect marriage, it is just honest and serious lovers working hand in hand.
A partner is a mirror, a playmate, and a teacher. It allows us to see ourselves, find where we belong, and also allows us to optimize ourselves.
Just like He Zhengjun and Fan Yu, even if life is not perfect, they can face it together; even if both parties are not perfect, they can always accept each other and improve themselves in love and tolerance.
Under their careful management, the marriage maintains the sweetness and fun of ordinary life.
Today, He Zhengjun is living a serious life with his wife and daughter while filming.
In order for his daughter to successfully complete the college entrance examination, he stopped working for a year to accompany her.
In his free time, he can go shopping with his wife or take his daughter to a museum in memory of his father.
Every flow of love in marriage combines two "I"s into "us".
Faced with the repetitive and trivial life, we support each other and spend time together;
Faced with the long and boring time, we do not stick to a single relationship model and inject vitality into the relationship;
Faced with the dullness day after day, we learn to change positively and respond softly. Small romance can also add color to life.
In fact, there has never been a perfect lover, let alone a perfect marriage.
Love should be moderate, 80 is enough. Marriage also needs space, and 80 points is just right.
Planning | Qiuqiu
Editing | Qiuqiu
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