I will leave you gently, please wipe away the tears from the corners of your eyes;
In the long night and in the days to come, my dear, don’t cry for me...
Whenever I have free time, Li Yanxia will always listen to the recording of this The song "About Winter".
The familiar voice coming from the recorder was a person she could not forget.
This person is ’s son Jin Ning. He likes to sing this song the most.
In June 2003, my son who was a street singer in Beijing called me and said that he would go to Sanlitun to develop his career, and in the future he would sing on CCTV to surprise his parents.
After that, he never called again and completely lost contact with his family.
In April 2004, Li Yanxia embarked on a long journey to find her son.
In order to find her son, she lived in the open air, was looked down upon by others, and tasted all the warmth and coldness of the world.
In April 2019, Li Yanxia appeared on the stage of CCTV's " The more you fight, the more you fight ".
She sang the song "About Winter" affectionately, fulfilling her son's wish to be on CCTV.
Also in that year, she bought 417 tickets to find her son, and traveled to more than 30 cities across the country, covering a distance of 112,000 kilometers.
Now, she has been looking for a son for 18 years, and she is already exhausted mentally and physically.
She does not need her son to honor her ancestors and return to her hometown with honor.
Even if he accomplishes nothing, it will be the biggest surprise as long as he comes home to reunite.
But her son never brought her a surprise, as if he had disappeared from the world and there was no news.
This hopeless misery, I don’t know how long it will last.
Life is miserable, but with hope, it is no longer gloomy and boundless.
Li Yanxia said that the door to her home is always open to her son, and she is waiting for the day when her son comes back.
The sunny life will continue with waiting and hope.
(Li Yanxia and her son Jin Ning)
The happiness of having both children
html Li Yanxia before the age of 45 can be said to be a happy woman.
She is an authentic Qinghai native, warm and outgoing.
She and her husband met in the Huatugou Oil Field and got married soon after.
At that time, she was a nurse in the petroleum system, saving lives and healing the wounded, and was respected by everyone.
Her husband Jin Zhenbin is a teacher. He lost his mother when he was 1 year old and his father when he was 5 years old. He is a miserable orphan.
His uncle raised him. He joined the army at the age of 18 and later transferred to the Petroleum Bureau.
Li Yanxia has a good voice and sings as beautifully as a lark;
Her husband also likes music and is proficient in playing, playing and singing, and especially loves to sing Qin Opera .
As dual-employees, their workplaces share housing. Their income is stable and they have no worries about food and clothing.
In 1981, his son Jin Ning was born.
In 1988, daughter Jin Xin was also born.
has two children, a dragon and a phoenix, and their life is the envy of many people around them.
The two children are very well-behaved. They never cause trouble and never let their parents worry.
They are proactive in learning and know how to be frugal in life.
The teacher commented on them that these two children are so good!
(A photo of Jin Ning’s family when he was a child)
In 1996, their family moved to Dunhuang with their work unit.
In Dunhuang, which has a pleasant climate, the family lives happily.
Husband Jin Zhenbin often takes his colleagues home to hold family concerts.
Some played the erhu, some played the dulcimer, and some played the flute. Everyone was immersed in the ocean of music, and the home was filled with laughter and laughter.
In such an environment, the Jin Ning brothers and sisters became interested in music.
Especially Jin Ning, he likes to play the piano and guitar, and likes to imitate Luosang. He is very savvy in learning and has some similarities.
Qi Qin is his idol. He often records Qi Qin's songs on tape and listens to them repeatedly.
When he was in school, he was riding his bicycle and singing loudly and enthusiastically, like a singer.
Li Yanxia was also very happy to see her son loving music so much.
She bought a guitar for her son, which was the gift he had always wanted.
After receiving this gift, my son was filled with joy and couldn't put it down.
In Li Yanxia's eyes, her son Jin Ning is not only well-behaved and sensible, but also repays her kindness.
One time when he came home from school, someone bullied him, and a classmate helped him out.
He started practicing martial arts, saying that he wanted to become stronger and show mercy to others when they were in trouble.
One day, Li Yanxia came home from get off work and found cooked food on the table. She thought it was cooked by her husband.
When she asked her daughter about it, she told her that her brother Jin Ning did it.
Just when Li Yanxia was puzzled, her son came out of the house, holding a card in both hands, congratulating her on her happy wedding anniversary.
Li Yanxia suddenly remembered that that day was her wedding anniversary, but she had completely forgotten about it.
She was both surprised and touched that her young son was so thoughtful.
The family sat together and finished the meal prepared by their son.
Many years later, the dishes my son cooked - shredded potato , lotus white , patted cucumbers and scrambled eggs - are still vivid in my mind.
This is the most delicious meal Li Yanxia has ever eaten.
As time goes by, the refreshing fragrance has not diminished at all.
What she didn't expect was that such a sensible son would one day disappear into the vast sea of people.
never had contact with her again, leaving her heartbroken.
I am afraid I will never experience the excitement and joy brought by my son again in this life.
(Photos of Li Yanxia when she was young)
The son abducted by art
In 1997, when Jinning was a sophomore in high school, the school organized a summer camp in Beijing to broaden students’ horizons, and Jinning wanted to participate.
In order to support her son, Li Yanxia gritted her teeth and borrowed money to raise the 2,000 yuan registration fee.
She didn’t want her son to see only the isolation of the desert and not see the splendor of the outside world.
After returning from Beijing, Jin Ning was very excited. He took photos in Beijing and felt that Beijing was very big and nice, with many cars.
He also specifically said that he would go to Beijing to attend a music conservatory in the future to fulfill his dream.
’s words are full of envy and yearning for Beijing, which are also the unique feelings of many people in their youth.
The speaker is intentional, but the listener is unintentional.
Li Yanxia thought it was what her son said casually and didn't take it seriously.
She felt that she knew her son very well and that her son would follow the route planned by his parents.
As it turns out, she couldn't be more wrong.
In 2000, Jinning failed in the college entrance examination and had no chance to attend the Central Conservatory of Music.
In desperation, he went to a petroleum college in Hubei to study computer science.
On July 4, 2002, 21-year-old Jin Ning suddenly returned home. Before that, he called his family for help and said he had no money to buy a ticket home.
After returning home, Jin Ning's image changed drastically. She had long flowing hair, wore a black T-shirt and a cross necklace. She was not a student at all.
This is difficult for Li Yanxia and his wife to accept, especially her husband Jin Zhenbin, who feels that their son is like a second-rate son.
Jin Ning told his parents that he had dropped out of school and was working as a street singer in Beijing.
Li Yanxia and his wife were very angry when they heard the news.
For such a big matter, their son actually made the decision privately, which was beyond their expectations.
Although the ship is finished, they do not want the ship to deviate from the course.
At that time, the petroleum system was recruiting people, and they wanted their son to be an apprentice, with a monthly salary of 1,800 yuan, so that he would be able to find a job in the future.
As a result, Jin Ning strongly resisted: I won’t go even if you give me 10,000 yuan.
He was very ambitious, saying that he liked music and wanted to develop in Beijing. He could make money in anything he did in Beijing!
It seems that gold is everywhere in Beijing, and you can grab a lot of it.
Everyone has been young, and everyone has had their youthful and frivolous days.
And it is precisely because of this youthful frivolity that many people ignore their parents’ good intentions.
The couple could not resist their son. Seeing that the situation could not be saved, they had to accept the reality.
During that time, Jin Ning locked himself in his room, played guitar and sang.
"About Winter" is the song he sings the most, and he often practices it to the point where he forgets to eat and sleep.
In October, Jin Ning proposed to go to Beijing and continue to be a street singer.
Seeing that her son loved music so much, Li Yanxia felt soft and decided to support him.
At that time, her monthly salary was less than 600 yuan, and she spent 3,680 yuan just to buy the Yamaha electronic keyboard, and she also borrowed more than 1,000 yuan.
On October 5, Jin Ning got on the train heading north with the dream of dedicating himself to art.
When he first arrived in Beijing, Jin Ning talked on the phone with his parents at least once a month.
At that time, he sang in the underground passage at the root of the city wall in Dongcheng District.
In June 2003, during the SARS period, Beijing strengthened management and restricted the entry and exit of people.
Jin Ning called and said that he planned to go to Sanlitun to develop and make a name for himself to surprise his parents. The call
became the last call Jin Ning made to home.
The surprise he mentioned has not yet arrived.
Instead, it became a thorn, piercing deeply into the hearts of Li Yanxia and his wife, causing them pain all the time.
The peaceful days and the happiness of having a son and a daughter came to an abrupt end after his son lost contact.
From then on, missing her son who was abducted by art became the main theme of Li Yanxia's life.
Missing is invisible and intangible, but it hurts the most.
Along with longing for her, Li Yanxia embarked on the difficult and sad road of finding her son.
(Photo before Jin Ning’s disappearance)
The 18-year search for her son began.
At the beginning, Li Yanxia still had illusions, thinking that Beijing should be very safe. What could happen?
But during the Spring Festival of 2004, Jin Ning did not go home or call home, and she realized the seriousness of the problem.
html In April, she took a month's leave to look for her son in Beijing.
Who knew that this search would last 18 years.
Every time, she always came with high hopes, but always came back with disappointment.
When she first came to Beijing, she felt scared. She felt like a timid child who had done something wrong.
During the day, she took photos with her son's face on them and sent them to people one by one.
On the back of the photo, Jin Ning’s basic information and contact number are written.
At night, she began writing messages on the backs of the photos.
Because I often stay up late, my eyes often feel achy when I write, so I have to drop eye drops to relieve it.
Every year, she would choose to go to Beijing in the summer.
As long as you bring sheets and thin quilts with you this season, you can sleep under the bridge or beside the street and save a lot of money.
In 2007, Li Yanxia called the landline from which Jinning made her last call.
That was the public phone number in Baochao Hutong, Beijing. Li Yanxia used to call it every year, but she could never get through.
Li Yanxia was very excited. This was undoubtedly a valuable clue.
Without any hesitation, she immediately arrived in Beijing by train.
As soon as she got off the train, she went straight to Baochao Hutong, asking around like crazy, asking everyone she met.
Whenever she gets the chance, she tells the story of her lost son, and becomes a modern version of Xianglin's wife.
(The missing person information handwritten by Li Yanxia on the back of the photo)
She can tolerate living in plain clothes and living in the open, but she cannot bear the insults of others.
One rainy night, Li Yanxia handed Jin Ning's photo to a young couple.
The other party was extremely impatient and scolded:
Get lost, do you have a problem? Who has seen your son?
The other party immediately threw the photo on the ground, and Li Yanxia hurriedly picked it up.
She broke down and cried bitterly while wiping the muddy water on it:
Ning Ning, others don’t want you, mother wants you.
A few years later, when she appeared on a TV show and talked about the incident, she would always take out the photo and burst into tears.
She also bought a map of Beijing and carried it with her, drawing circles on the places she had found.
Due to long-term turning over and over, the map has become fragmented.
Of course, there are also many enthusiastic people who lend a helping hand and provide voluntary services to find Jinning.
When there were no clues in Beijing, she followed the instructions of other wandering singers and went to Shanghai, Nanjing, Zhengzhou and other places to search.
Several times, she was only a few steps away from finding Jinning.
Some people say that Jin Ning may be singing in a bar next to the zoo.
She rushed there early in the morning, and the bar staff told her that there was no singing here.
She looked inside and saw several people sleeping with their heads covered in the dark, and felt that Jin Ning was inside.
But when people asked her to leave, she left honestly.
Afterwards, she reflected and when she went to the bar again, the bar had been demolished.
Another time, Shunyi Rescue Station called her and told her that a homeless man looked very much like his son.
After she carefully identified it, she found that the face shape was wrong and it was not her son.
The excitement she felt when she first learned the news brought a glimmer of beauty to her dark life and gave her endless motivation.
Sometimes, even though she knew it was not her son Jin Ning, she would go take a look after others provided clues.
In the past ten years, she has experienced too many expectations and disappointments, and her emotions have been ups and downs, like a roller coaster.
She has seen many homeless people sleeping together on overpasses and underground passages.
As a former member of the family, she is well aware of the pain;
She has heard the reasons why they do not want to go home: some of them have no parents, some of them have not made money, and some of them have become famous...
As The mother felt even worse when she thought that her son was unwilling to go home because of a similar mentality.
After all the hardships, she never found her son.
When she heard others say that she looked old, she suddenly had an idea and decided to let her son "find" her.
In 2018, she endured the pain and pressure and underwent nine hours of full-face plastic surgery.
did this because she was afraid that her son would one day forget what his mother was like.
In this world, even if everyone forgets their son, a mother will never forget her son.
Even if she goes through fire and water and sacrifices everything, the mother will never look back, pave the way for her son to go home, and light the light for her son to come in.
(Li Yanxia is looking for her son in an alley in Beijing)
The neglected daughter
From 2004 onwards, Li Yanxia only had her son in her heart, and searching for her son became her whole life.
She had no idea of the harm and injustice caused to her daughter.
’s daughter Jin Xin was already 16 years old at that time.
She was dissatisfied with her mother for only looking for her brother. Her mother missed the opportunity to grow up and neglected her as a daughter.
At that time, she was in high school, and her parents were often absent during this critical period of her life.
My father is busy working all day long, and my mother is busy looking for her brother.
No one took care of her for a long time. She cooked and did housework by herself, and her academic performance plummeted.
The school arranges seats according to grades. As a result, she gradually sat from the first row to the last few rows.
In fact, she has a very good relationship with her brother Jin Ning.
Since she was a child, her father was strict and harsh on her and her brother, and she rarely felt her father's love.
But her brother gave her fatherly warmth, which she will never forget.
When she went to kindergarten, her brother picked her up and dropped her off; when she did her homework, he helped her; when she ate, her brother fed her.
The two of them piled quilts high in the room and ran wildly from room to room.
uses benches to build a house in the yard and dreams of becoming an engineer.
She was her brother's follower. When he went out to play, she couldn't bear to leave him, hugging his thigh and clinging to him.
Regarding childhood memories, everything seems to be related to my brother.
During the Chinese New Year, she and her brother went out to eat hot pot with their parents. This was the happiest moment for the family.
During the rest of the time, the family often spends less time together and more time apart.
(Photos of Jin Xin and Jin Ning when they were children)
In 2013, her parents called her to go home and guard the house to leave a door open for her brother.
At that time, she was living well in Anhui and was engaged.
Her boyfriend has a decent job, and the two have reached the stage of discussing marriage.
At first, she was unwilling, but her parents called several times and she relented.
In the end, she reluctantly broke up with her boyfriend and returned to Dunhuang.
She followed her parents' wishes and entered the oil system.
In 2016, she and her mother appeared on CCTV's " Waiting for Me " program.
She said emotionally:
Brother, I don’t hate you. Even if you don’t come back, I will wait for you at home and leave a door open for you.
I will get married in Dunhuang and take care of your parents. I will always wait for you!
Later, she fulfilled her promise, got married and had children in Dunhuang.
Gradually, she began to understand her parents' difficulties and concerns.
No one can accept that the son who has been raised through all kinds of hardships suddenly disappears from the world.
After feeling the same, she supported her mother in going out to find Jin Ning.
She felt sorry for her mother and told her to take it easy and not to tire her body.
In 2018, my mother wanted plastic surgery. She didn’t agree at first because she felt sorry for her mother.
In order to find my brother, my mother has suffered so much.
Now, she has to face the pain of surgery and the criticism of others. Why bother?
During the recovery period, she saw her mother's "face swollen like a pig's head" and wanted to say something several times.
But my mother was very happy, so she held back and said nothing more.
She took over the baton handed to her by her parents and spent these years waiting at home, waiting for her brother to come back.
My brother’s room has not been changed, and his wire bed and desk have been kept.
The house was kept spotless, and my brother could stay there whenever he came home.
She hoped that her brother would be so happy to see his little nephew who was somewhat similar to him.
Some netizens defended her, thinking that her parents were cruel and selfish, sacrificing her happiness in exchange for her brother's hopeless return.
But she was very calm. She had suffered years of being ignored, forgotten, and even self-sacrificing. Compared with the pain of her brother coming home, it was nothing.
(The table in Jinning’s room remains the same)
Living the present moment is the most real
Over the years, people have been advising Li Yanxia not to be too obsessed with finding a son.
After all, life must go on, and living the present moment is the most authentic.
Professor Guo Shuzhong, who performed plastic surgery on her, advised her:
Maybe Jin Ning is living a good life now. You should live a better life and remember that you still have relatives such as grandchildren, wife, daughter and son-in-law.
htmlThe 492-year-old mother also advised her:
You have been looking for him for so many years. He may be living a good life outside, so don't worry.
Although these are words of comfort and may not be entirely true, they are also very reasonable.
Of course, there are also some sharp criticisms.
A neighbor once said to her:
You are always looking for children all day long. How do you manage your house?
Someone also left a message online:
I would rather hide than see my parents, so why insist on finding them.
After careful reflection, Li Yanxia decided to reconcile with herself. She wanted to return to a normal life.
She changed her Weibo avatar to a photo of herself. The previous avatar was a photo of Jin Ning holding a guitar.
(Li Yanxia, first from the left, gathering with friends)
In 2018, her grandson was born. Her nose and eyes are very similar to Jin Ning's, but she is a little fatter.
Li Yanxia was very happy to see the shadow of her son in her grandson.
She played the audio tape of Jin Ning singing to her grandson, and looked through Jin Ning's photos to let her grandson recognize it.
In her grandson, she found a long-lost spiritual sustenance.
In 2019, Li Yanxia, her wife and her daughter took a family portrait.
In the photo, the little grandson is smiling brightly, and Li Yanxia is also in high spirits. The previous sluggishness has been swept away, as if she has returned to her youth.
She became cheerful, determined to spend her old age with her husband, and even proposed to travel.
In order to find her son, she gave up too much and owed her family too much.
Especially her daughter, she wants to help her daughter reduce her burden as much as possible and make up for her debt.
Nowadays, Li Yanxia likes to take photos, walking on the street, taking photos at scenic spots, taking photos with relatives and meeting friends at any time.
After taking the photo, she posted it online, leaving no one behind.
Li Yanxia once wrote a diary after plastic surgery.
She said that she would live out her life positively and optimistically.
At the same time, she also sang a song "Live a different way for yourself", hoping to sing it to her son when he comes back.
Due to physical reasons, Li Yanxia began to have leg pain and could no longer run out like she had done more than ten years ago.
Her biggest wish is to live a happy life in the present.
In September 2021, she couldn't help but go to Beijing again.
It's just that her mentality is much calmer. She can find the best, and she won't put pressure on herself if she can't find it.
Once, she dreamed about her son Jin Ning. She dreamed that he was drunk at home, sitting on the floor, holding the guitar, and saying, I am still here, I am alive.
She firmly believed that her son was still alive and would come back sooner or later.
Seeing Li Yanxia’s persistent look, I couldn’t help but think of the two old people in our village.
The two old men have both experienced the pain of losing a child.
An old man’s son went out to work after graduating from college, but he never came back. He had no contact with his family for more than 20 years.
Some people say that the child may be gone. Although most people don't say it with their mouths, they have already acquiesced in this statement in their hearts.
Such an ending may be a bit cruel to Li Yanxia when applied to Jinning.
But sometimes, people must learn to face and accept it.
There is also an old man. His son was buried under a collapsed mound of soil many years ago and died on the spot.
After that, every Qingming Festival, she would go to her son’s grave and cry bitterly, telling her the pain of missing her.
persisted for 20 years until her death.
The old man's longing for his son suddenly reminded me of a sentence:
We all thought that our mother was the tears of our life, but in fact we are the tears of our mother's life.
As parents, sometimes you really shouldn’t be too obsessed with things.
Children and grandchildren will have their own blessings. If they are destined to be separated, don't lose yourself for them.
Otherwise, you will be hurt in the end.
(Li Yanxia and her daughter’s family)
Summary
In total, Jin Ning is now 41 years old and has lost contact with his family for 19 years.
His family's hard search and lack of news from him are just like the lyrics of "About Winter".
In the days without you, I will cherish myself more; in the days without me, you must take care of yourself.
You asked me when I would return to my hometown. It’s not at this time. I don’t know when. I think it will be around winter.
The artistic conception can only be savored slowly.
When you leave home, you may be full of pride and confidence, but when you go out, there are too many people who are better than you.
If your tempering, talent, and accumulation are not enough, no matter you choose to compromise with life, or you choose to fall and get up again.
Please remember that home is the most important thing. Never forget the way home at any time.
If you only regard art as your parents and forget that your parents are your art.
Such an artistic path will never go very far.
For every wanderer, it is never too late to go home.
"If your parents are not traveling far away, they will find a way to travel far away." Please be grateful and report to your parents in time that they are safe so that they can feel at ease.
Because when parents are there, home is there.
There will always be a door open there, waiting for the return of wanderers, whether you have a lot of money or nothing.
(Li Yanxia and his wife entertain themselves)
Author: Zhu Xiaolu & Calm
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