"Do you think your parents love you?"
"No, they only love me if I have good achievements. Once my achievements are not good, they will stop loving me."
"Boldly express your love for your parents in the day care class" Love!" Maomao made such a sound during this good habits lesson.
"Since their love for me is conditional, then I don't want to love them anymore."
best-selling author Daniel Pink said -
"Rewards can only bring short-term bursts, but their effects will last. Gradually disappear. What's worse is that it reduces the long-term motivation required for people to continue this project."
Psychology believes that various human behaviors have their own internal driving forces, such as wanting to eat when they are hungry and wanting to drink water when they are thirsty. These internal motivations will make people do things spontaneously. It is proactive.
However, external motivations, such as the coercion of the environment, the urging of others, and the temptation of interests, will reduce "I want" to the mode of "I should want".
It will form a cyclic pattern of "external motivation-behavior-external motivation-behavior", causing our behavior to be controlled by external factors and eventually becoming a slave to external forces.
· When you link labor with rewards, children will put a clear price on each chore;
· When you link results with rewards, children will only look at results and lack motivation;
· When you link efforts with rewards, Children will hold grudges and fight for every cent;
· When you link your life goals to houses and cars, the child's spiritual world becomes material and worldly.
The most important harm is that when rewards become conditions, children cannot see the true love of their parents.
This kind of conditional love will make children feel that their family's love and dedication to them are "earned in exchange for my efforts." The damage caused by
trading kidnapping is not only the child's sense of right and wrong, but more importantly, it jeopardizes the sense of security in the parent-child relationship.
Elfie Cohen, a well-known American parenting writer, proposed "unconditional parenting". He believes that: Conditional parenting is based on punishment and rewards. "I love you when you do this."
and unconditional nurturing, refusing to manipulate, advocating acceptance: "No matter what you are, I love you."
Although we often say that we are willing to pay unconditionally for our children.
But in the real parenting process, our love often comes with presuppositions, or expectations, and these expectations and presuppositions are actually the projection of parents' inner sense of lack.
When rewards become conditions, children are not truly recognized and appreciated. Children who are burdened with "conditional love" will be under heavy pressure every step of their growth, and will naturally struggle.
