There is a saying that goes well, we all have two ears and a mouth, so we should listen twice as long as we say it. However, who among us listens more than we say? When listening to others, are we really listening, or are we just practicing what we plan to say when it’s our turn? Have we only heard a few words and ignored other content? It's like a process of "cutting and pasting" constantly, in fact, we only noticed the good parts of it. Can we often "listen" the emotions in other people's words and then consciously respond to those thoughts that have not been expressed yet? How should we listen? More importantly, how should we listen to empathize with ?
Listening seems so simple - just don't talk, focus on what others say. However, among all the skills required for empathy, the most important thing to focus when listening is that our attention is too easily distracted. Many people just listen with "half" ears, waiting for when it's their turn to speak, and are always preparing what they want to say. It is also easy for us to listen with a tendency and make a decision before listening to the entire story. We will also listen with compassion, relate everything others say to our own experience, and then say things that do not respect their own thoughts and feelings, such as "I understand your feelings very much" or "I know how you feel now." Finally, the voice in our own hearts will distract us and begin to judge and speculate on ourselves.
——"The Power of Empathy" by Arthur Joramikali and Arthur Lin Kexi, translated by Wang Chunguang
Pictures are from the Internet
I was very touched when I saw the content explained by the author Arthur Joramikali in "The Power of Empathy". Because no matter whether we are listening to others or listening to me by the people around us, we will make some mistakes, such as being absent-mindedly distracted, snatching words, responding perfunctorily, etc. In fact, this listening process did not bring the two closer together, let alone emotional nourishment. Sometimes, it will make the originally unharmonious relationship more rigid.
For example, the wife originally had an objection to the husband and planned to have a good chat with the other party, but the husband looked like he was absent from God, or responded to the phone. At this time, the wife felt a feeling of being disrespected and became more angry. Although some couples sit down and communicate together, they turn over old accounts to accuse each other of the wrong things. This communication is like a mess but it is impossible to communicate.
If we do not let go of our prejudice and listen to each other, it is actually difficult for the other party to be willing to join this communication. Understanding the other person from the other person's perspective is a key step to bringing the relationship closer. No one wants to be destined to be killed by others, how can people "live"?
So how can you truly achieve empathy listening?
The author told us that empathetic listening requires us to stop looking at the world of first with self-centeredness, so that we can fully devote ourselves to the experience of another person. Listening to in empathy requires us to concentrate all our attention , not only paying attention to what we say, but also gestures, general postures, body positions and facial expressions. When listening in empathically, you should consciously let go of your tendencies; should learn how to connect with other people's emotions, but you will not be taken away by them. You can go in first and then exit; then you should also go to to explore how to coexist with uncertainty, and allow yourself not to have the ability to find answers or solutions to all problems.
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